My husband insults me in a way he thinks is funny

[Pastkeepsrepeating]

Hi

I’ve changed my user namer for this in case my children, their partners read MN

My husband has this habit of saying things in front of my children and their partners in regard to me that are supposed to be funny but aren’t, they are actually little insults and digs, and when I ask him not to do it (in front of them or later) he says that the thing he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself.

he’s actually being snarky and the jokes aren’t funny, and I can still laugh at myself when jokes are made with true affection and I’m good at joking about silly things I can do and can have everyone laughing. I can be funny and can tell a good story about myself. I don’t make fun of other people.

But what he does to me is different - it has a mean snarky edge to it - small things but always in front of our family and every freaking time they visit.( He willdo it too when it’s just us - he waits for me to say something he thinks is stupid then denigrates me). I don’t exaggerate the frequency. They are put downs in the disguise of ‘jokes:’ They aren’t even good jokes or well disguised. Not sure why my kids laugh. As really, it’s nasty and probably passive aggressive -so very difficult to counteract.

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react. If I do, Husband will say ‘don’t be so sensitive’’. I’m supposed to accept all the small put downs with good grace. In essence he’s silencing me, or if I respond I look like a bad sport. What I really want to say to him , is ‘stop being a fucking dick’ , but he knows I’m not going to forcefully call him on it while family/little grandchildren are there. He’s effectively silenced me.

I even caught him quietly telling my 3 year old grandson that I was a witch. He didn’t mean to be overheard. He said he was just joking. No, he was not. I adore my grandchildren and that particular grandchild really loves to spend time with me. I think he might be jealous. He does seem to have a strong need to be everyone’s favourite grandfather. Always giving them money, ice creams - he’s a bit like Santa Claus in that way.

How can I shut down these put downs/jokes. if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff. I will respond then, and I can say nasty things in response. But I’ve always hated conflict, So it’s a lose lose result for me. And those scenes really distress me. Mostly I retreat to my space and don’t say anything about it.

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him. Play the game in a way that is not allowing myself to be out down?

Sorry Gruach! my auto correct kicked in

I'm actually really sad for you and for family. Your dh is teaching his children and grandchildren how to behave towards others and teaching the women and girls in the family what they should accept. I don't think funny come backs or one liners said with fun are appropriate here, because that means you are appeasing the bully. I think its time to be real. If the comments are upsetting you, let people see you are upset. Don't think you have to hide your feelings to protect everyone else.

My Dad and siblings used to do this to my dm, constantly belittle her, imply she was stupid, insult what she wore etc. She's generally known as someone who has banter and a lot of people take this approach to her as they think she can "take it" and it is "just a joke" but it deeply hurt her. It only stopped when she publicly called them out on their behaviour and explained how much they were hurting her.

I'm not sure why they did it. It started as good natured banter between my parents but my siblings started joining in and it suddenly changed from banter to bullying. The line is crossed when the person doesn't find it funny anymore.

I'm not sure what to suggest but I would recommend publically calling him out for how he is talking to you. State that it upsets you and ensure your children know this too. Once they are aware of this then they can no longer state it is just a joke anymore.💐

Were your siblings your brothers?

Firstly is there any chance you could go to counseling either as a couple or you yourself? I would be surprised if he would be up for it.
You mention after your original post that you should have left him years ago and that you feel you can't now for various reasons. I wonder if you felt more supported or financially secure that would change your perspective. A good place to start is having an appointment with a solicitor. Money can mean that you can pay for some support. I also wonder if you are so ground down by a man who is disrespectful and unloving that you are thinking no-one will support you. I can bet you that he is not supportive now and I can imagine that will get worse.
Having some rehearsed comeback phrases will definitely help you feel more empowered to stand up for yourself.... you've had lots of suggestions. It takes some practice but can be done. Say it slowly and directly if you can

One of each

Posted a bit earlier, but just want to add that your kids probably have rescue fantasies about you.

I constantly worried about mum and what I could do or say to help, what I should have done or said, the life she might have had, etc etc etc.

It's misery all round I'm afraid, so please don't entertain any notions that you're somehow keeping the peace by staying put.

These are good responses. @XJerseyGirlX Said with humour and a laugh- it’s certainly better than a sour response - they don’t work.

A sour response doesn't work - oooo, that's bad. So everyone is ganging up on you in this pretence that taking the mickey out of you, making you look bad is 'fun'.

I always say on these threads to contact Citizens Advice or a Solicitor to find out how things would be if you separated. If you have the knowledge of how you would manage, who would live where, how much money you would have it makes a BIG difference when you are discussing the problem. It makes you confident and strong. It makes a life without out this nasty piece of work in it a genuine option.

Also can you discuss your feelings of sadness when people mock you with your DCs, individually if possible. It might be worth letting them know you are not happy with the present set up. Their going along with DF might reduce. But really you need to stand up to him and it needs to stop entirely.

You need to go and see a solicitor.

You will not be anywhere near as poor as you suspect.

Seeing a lawyer does not mean you need to divorce. It does however give you knowledge and knowledge gives you power of agency over your decisions going forward.

At the moment you are trapped by the unknown. You assume this is your life because you are unaware of your financial position as a 50% owner of ALL marital assets and that includes your home, his private pensions , your joint savings , his savings .. etc.

Yet some knowledge. Then make decisions.

You've had some great responses @Pastkeepsrepeating . I grew up in a home like this and it took until my own middle age for me to realise what was going on. My own adult son pointed out that he didn't like the way grandad talked to granny. I wish I'd called it out as a teenager. You need to call this out to stop your grandchildren and children thinking this is acceptable behaviour. Nowadays I'm much better at stopping these things in a matter-of-fact way, partly because I have a large family of mostly adult kids and I want is all to have good relationships in future.

I've attached a printable on "Is it bullying?" which I found very helpful with my family. It's about defining bullying and is commonly used in UK schools.
RUDE - Saying something which hurts someone when you didn't intend that.
MEAN - Deliberately saying something to hurt someone.
BULLYING - repeatedly saying things which hurt someone when you know they don't like it.

With my family, this has been helpful in managing relationships between the children eg "OK, he's told you he doesn't like you saying / doing that. You know he doesn't like it. So if you carry on, that's bullying."
Something else which has worked for me with my adult children, and which might help with your husband :
"I didn't like it when you said that. Can I just check whether you realised it was offensive? Because if you said it not realising it was rude, we have one issue. But if you said it deliberately to be rude, that's a different issue that we have to discuss. I just want to be clear on which one it is that we need to sort out."

How about holding a hand up in a "stop" gesture, and saying in a businesslike tone :
"Don't say things like that in front of the children. I don't want them thinking it's acceptable to talk to people like that."
You could add "They'll get into trouble if they do that at school" , but I think that would possibly weaken the force of it, suggesting that school is unreasonable and too PC.

If he replies 'it's only a joke' ask him to explain the joke as you don't understand it, it takes the wind out of sails as they have to reflect on the fact it wasn't really funny. Without you having to say 'that's mean' on repeat.

Look it’s bad enough that he’s doing this to you during family visits, but he is doing it when you are alone as well.

It’s cruel and unkind.

I obviously don’t know what the rest of your relationship is like but this would be a deal breaker for me.

Have you sought proper financial or legal
advice about your situation and what benefits you would be entitled to if you left? Please contact women’s aid and get some support. Bullying doesn’t have to be physical to be harmful and abuse often starts with verbal nastiness. Please take this seriously. I worry about you as you get older and become more even more physically dependent on this man. It makes you very vulnerable.

If you are really not in a position to leave though then I think I would get your sils or dils on side and request their help in calling him out then and there every time. “Come on kids it’s not nice to say nasty things about others” or “grandad is being unkind again let’s go elsewhere” .

Best advice.

Do this exactly. Keep the comebacks
short.

When you say “that was rude” don’t be tempted to fill the silence. Just let it sit.

”Are you insulting me again?”
”That was a mean thing to say”.
”That was unkind”.
Etc.

My dad was like this. It is awful. And your kids are imploring with you with their eyes -not for you to respond but for you to indicate that you no longer will accept it.

The first few times be prepared for him to go off at you madly as soon as everyone leaves. But I firmly believe if you calmly and consistently pull him up
on it every time it will make him look like the idiot.

Your children will be proud of you.

OP

You do need to stand up for yourself! You shouldn't have too, but they way he dismisses you, you are going to have to play him at his own game!

Use a constant reply going forward - something that you know he will hate -

"Oh! Rude little Grand-dad is coming out today!"
" Here's the little rude man again"

Us the word "Little" every time - he will hate it - Then smile when he reacts - Only joking! See how he likes it - But, you need to use the same term every time - one the kids will start to use - if he keeps up his bullshit.

@DivorcedAndDelighted

I love the print out you attached. It's really useful.

I would just cry. Cry and let other people see how much this upsets you. Let him see other people seeing it. He is a dick and your children are too if they stand by him treating you this way.

Ask him why he feels the need to put you down in front of other people. And ask him in front of other people.

Say that you don't find it funny, you find it rude and hurtful. Tell your children that it is upsetting you and ask them to pull him up on it if he does it in front of them.

However, if he is the arse hole type that he sounds and that doesn't work then go on strike. No cooking for him, no washing, no chit chat, no help, no conversations, no cups of tea, nothing. Go out and have some fun or some space and leave him to his own devices.

He doesn't sound like a nice person.

Alternatively, let him read this thread.

He's a bully. What right does he have to talk to you that way? I wonder what would happen if next time you said, in front of everyone, 'when you say things like that you are just showing everyone that you're a bully. Stop with the insults unless you want me to insult you back and humiliate you in front of your family - because that's what you do to me. It stops right now'.

I think you also need to let your family know how he makes you feel. They should be ashamed of themselves, smiling away while he belittles you. You need to shock them into supporting you.

Your dh sounds deeply unpleasant. He is using you as his sop to make him seem like the fun guy in front of the family. It’s pathetic and destructive. The next time your family come, warn him beforehand that if he belittles you again you will challenge him in front of the others.

The obvious stand out here is to tell your children and tell them how it makes you feel.

There is safety in numbers and no one visiting your house should be colluding with him in this bullying - whether they mean it or not

So something along the lines of 'dad, don't please, it's not funny' each and every time he tries this shit, is probably more effective than anything else

Longer term? Leaving him of course but that I appreciate isn't easy

“Sorry about Dad/Grandad darling, he struggles to find anything interesting to say."
“It was just a joke/you're being sensitive."
“yes dear" big eye roll to whoever he is trying to impress.

Thank you everyone.

About an hour after my writing and posting my op I realised that I had to do something. It was actually writing it all down on here, being able to write out what’s been happening that bought home to me, in full, exactly what I’ve been living with. And that I really can’t put up with it anymore. Your replies have reinforced that.

I’ve made a plan.

Im going to go stay with my sister in the city. She is always offering invitations.

Being in the city it will be easier for me to access the professional advice & the help I need to leave him. I can get financial advice more easily, I will be able to find out what benefits I would be entitled to, as well as possible housing I might qualify for.

I’m just going to tell my husband that I’m going to visit my sister. I’m not going to tell him I leaving or even thinking about leaving.

Reading all your replies has really bought home to me that I can no longer live like this. Leaving is a scarey prospect but as so many posters pointed out, and as I really already knew, but was trying not to think about, I really am living joylessly with this man now. He was always difficult but in these last years he has become quite nasty and intolerant of me.

He isn’t my carer - I still manage to look after myself. But there very well might come a day when I become physically reliant on him and I just know this will not make him any kinder. Now I’ve admitted it to myself I’m actually fearing a future with him more than I fear the unknowns of leaving.

Thank you all again for taking the time to reply and also for sharing your experiences or things your parent experienced.

I’m going to change my user name back to the original. I am a bit anxious that he could find this post. It’s not really possible, he’s not remotely internet savvy, but he does use my computer for his emails. I just don’t want any arguments before I leave.

again, thank you all.

Good luck, OP. You really are doing the right thing.