My husband insults me in a way he thinks is funny

[Pastkeepsrepeating]

Hi

I’ve changed my user namer for this in case my children, their partners read MN

My husband has this habit of saying things in front of my children and their partners in regard to me that are supposed to be funny but aren’t, they are actually little insults and digs, and when I ask him not to do it (in front of them or later) he says that the thing he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself.

he’s actually being snarky and the jokes aren’t funny, and I can still laugh at myself when jokes are made with true affection and I’m good at joking about silly things I can do and can have everyone laughing. I can be funny and can tell a good story about myself. I don’t make fun of other people.

But what he does to me is different - it has a mean snarky edge to it - small things but always in front of our family and every freaking time they visit.( He willdo it too when it’s just us - he waits for me to say something he thinks is stupid then denigrates me). I don’t exaggerate the frequency. They are put downs in the disguise of ‘jokes:’ They aren’t even good jokes or well disguised. Not sure why my kids laugh. As really, it’s nasty and probably passive aggressive -so very difficult to counteract.

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react. If I do, Husband will say ‘don’t be so sensitive’’. I’m supposed to accept all the small put downs with good grace. In essence he’s silencing me, or if I respond I look like a bad sport. What I really want to say to him , is ‘stop being a fucking dick’ , but he knows I’m not going to forcefully call him on it while family/little grandchildren are there. He’s effectively silenced me.

I even caught him quietly telling my 3 year old grandson that I was a witch. He didn’t mean to be overheard. He said he was just joking. No, he was not. I adore my grandchildren and that particular grandchild really loves to spend time with me. I think he might be jealous. He does seem to have a strong need to be everyone’s favourite grandfather. Always giving them money, ice creams - he’s a bit like Santa Claus in that way.

How can I shut down these put downs/jokes. if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff. I will respond then, and I can say nasty things in response. But I’ve always hated conflict, So it’s a lose lose result for me. And those scenes really distress me. Mostly I retreat to my space and don’t say anything about it.

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him. Play the game in a way that is not allowing myself to be out down?

The thing is, if he is a big bully, they might be frightened of standing up to him. It’s obviously the dynamic of the family to keep on the right side of dad.

This is so true.

Have you spoken to any of your children about it privately? You need someone in your corner who will stick up for you.

Instead of witty comebacks, which might end up sounding mean themselves, how about just saying truthful things like "stop being unkind" or "that's hurtful" every single time he does it?

I worry that if you try the "comebacks" idea you might just end up trading insults and sinking to his level.

This is abuse and the fact that you feel you can’t manage on your own, is due to him abusing you. Every nasty comment and how he reacts if you raise it with him, drags you down further.

Speak to Women’s Aid, they will give you perspective on what’s happening here. Tell them what you have told us. They will help you to see that you do in fact have choices. No one has to stay with someone who abuses them. 💐

I wonder what's made you recognise this just now, when you've put up with it for years ? Whatever it is that's your catalyst to get this resolved- be that by him stopping or you leaving.

If you've never talked to him about it before, now is the time. Sit him down before you have visitors and say that he has been making put down remarks which you find really upsetting, and you want him to stop. Then when he does make a remark in public you can say - we discussed this, don't make remarks like that about me.

See how that goes - he may just be unaware he's being so nasty and mean - unlikely but worth a shot.

I think you're going to have to make him feel awkward.

Stare, blank face - "that's just rude". Silence.

He has absolutely no bother making you feel awkward, so do the same right back.

It may be that your children are laughing out of awkwardness/embarrassment but in doing so they’re perpetuating the problem as your husband is getting a laugh and thinks he’s amusing. The first thing I’d do is speak to the children, explain how you feel, ask them to not laugh and encourage him and support you when you pull him up on his mean remarks.

Once you’ve done that, you need to pull him up on his remarks every single time. Don’t let him get away with it even once. If you then get support from your family, hopefully he’ll get the message quickly.

It is one of my pet hates when people think they can say what they want and then justify it with “oh I was only joking”. It’s mean and it’s bullying. I’ve also found that these people can dish it out but can’t take it themselves and are very quickly offended when you say something to them.

I would just calmly deadpan him every single time he does it.

Very very calmly. If he is making digs, call his bluff, take the wind out of his sails and in a direct way invite him to justify.

“Haha, (creature on nature programme) looks like OP”
”Does it?”

”haha typical OP”
”Is it? Tell us more”

He will look stupid and the cruelty of his comments will be laid bare.
Whatever he then says, nod and say ‘I see’.

And I agree with telling your children that you have had enough of it.

However. I would be very uncomfortable living with someone who resents me to the extent that they make passive aggressive attacks all the time.

I would explore your options. You might not be as poor as you think if you divorce.

I was married to someone like that for twenty years. He recently visited and my now DH couldn't believe how snide his 'jokes' were. I had mentioned that this is what he does but seeing is believing.
What is really hideous is that people around hear it and say nothing. Now my kids have seen it for what it is as now DH has pulled him up on it in front of them - I'd gone off to the toilet and overhead some of the conversation.

See the CAB if you can. See the council. Tell him you want a divorce. You have another 20 years of living maybe more, maybe less, but you don't want to waste them on a man like this!!!!!!

Shame on your family. No one deserves this OP.

I can think of some petty things to say in return but feel mean even typing them out! Whatever you say you're best off eith a breezy sort of patronizing response, like you're humoring him. If he says you can't take a joke, maybe something like, "oh yes darling, let me know if you tell one and I'll be sure to laugh" with a twinkle. What a nasty person. I hope you're able to leave him someday OP.

It sounds like you care more about his feelings than your own, you need to call him out on it every single time so that your children and grandchildren don't fall trap to the same kind of abuse. Do it for them and for you.

I would call him out on it each and every time regardless of your childrens feelings. It is nasty bullying and your grandchildren should not be witness to it. Show them how to stand up to a bully. Just say it is not a kind thing to say and it upsets you so can he stop it.

It's horrible being around couples who have no respect in their relationship. That sniping is nasty & destructive. Also tedious to listen too.

I would have called him out on it publicly when it was lower level but it is too ingrained now.

I'd leave now as you may get more dependant as you get older & he will be even more controlling/abusive.

Supercamp's response is similar to how I would deal with it. If you use the same response every single time, then it is clear to everyone how often it's happening. So respond with something like 'is that a joke' or 'is that supposed to be funny ' will draw attention to the frequency.

But mainly, start planning to leave. Find out what you'd be due (50% of marital assets for a start), benefits, help with your disability, housing etc. He's ground you down to the extent you don't think you'd be able to manage without him. You so will.

I'm afraid I'm also in the leave him camp. I was with a man who put me down under the guise of jokes. Most of the time I'd actually convinced myself that I didn't mind and it was funny. But my Mum did express concern to me, and so did one friend. I didn't listen to them, but after we broke up I realised they were right. His "jokes" over only five years really really damaged my self-confidence.

Once he called me a cow in front of all his friends (we were all playing a game where we could choose which animal to be and he loudly said I should be a cow). The entire group went silent. I wish I'd called him out on it right then, but I didn't. It was so mortifying.

I couldn't live like that for 30+ years.

The worrying thing, OP is that you, with a disabling illness (which is unlikely to improve with age) are planning to become more and more dependent on your abuser.

Why would you do this to yourself?

I have heard of relationships where one partner is verbally abusive but punctilious with regard to physical care of their partner. But what a miserable situation to live in!

And I’m laughing (mirthlessly) at posts effectively killing you off in 10 or 20 years. I have one parent left - they’re over 90 and in fine fettle. You don’t say what your illness is - but you, or someone like you in good health, could live to be 100.

It is sobering, at 60 odd, to examine one’s life and think - “Is this what I want for the next 40 years?”.

"he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself."

Oh I still can. It's you I don't find funny.

Honestly, it's over. You can't train this man not to be a nasty abusive piece of work.

What you can do is arrange your life so it suits you. Go and see your family (kids, grandkids) without him. See your friends.

Stop playing the 'happily married' game, as he isn't playing it.

Stop running around after him, organising your life taking him into account. Rebuild your life from the bottom up.

He may actually twig that he's damaged something that actually suits him very well, and step up.

But basically, drop the rope. Do your own thing. Stop listening to him.

What a horrible thing to say to a 3 year old. He really is a nasty piece of work.

Whatever about your own dc not rocking the boat (family abuse dynamics), I’m shocked the in laws aren’t calling it out. I wouldn’t want my dc caught up in that. I’d be furious if someone said this to one of mine as a toddler.

You poor, poor woman. I wish I knew you so I could listen to him and tell him exactly what I thought of him. Though I daresay that would make him worse.

He’s a truly nasty, abusive piece of shit.

I think it's a bit unfair to call other people out for not responding to this.

They may be worried that if they do the verbal abuse may escalate to physical or - more likely- are taking their lead from OP.

The pleading looks are probably saying- please get DF to stop behaving like this, instead of please don't escalate it.

I think you should try positive assertion.

eg:’ l find your ‘jokes’ demeaning and upsetting and feel they don’t show that you respect me. I have the right not to feel belittled and want you to stop speaking to me like this’

Re comebacks, I’d just try to highlight his shitty actions every time. It will show a shift in your tolerance of his awful actions, though this may come with an escalation of his abuse.

“Why do you think your funny?”
”Why do you always put me down in front of the kids?”
“Why are you so desperate to try to embarrass me?”
”Whats sadder than someone who thinks they’re funny when they’re not?”
“Do you really believe the horrible things you say to me?”

God, this is so awful. I’m sorry, OP, but he despises you. Or hates himself enough to need an easy displacement target for his bile. It’s bullying and abusive and it will never change, regardless of how many pithy comebacks you muster up.

I know it must feel impossible at your age and in your situation to fundamentally change things, but there have been some suggestions here you could think about. You still have many years of your one and only life ahead of you. Don’t waste them on this man.

Call him out on it. My parents are the same, my sisters and I have no clue why they stay together as they seem to dislike each other. I call my Dad out on it and when they start whining at each other I have told them forcefully to stop bickering in front of my kids numerous times. It's not going to stop until my mother stands up for herself though and tells him to just stop being a twat. I wouldn't mind forceful language in front of my kids in this scenario!

I'd say;
"Oh, yet another insult disguised as a joke!"

I think if you don't leave him you might regret a life half lived, if you do you might find a new freedom and joy in life. I don't know of course, but in your position I'd be taking the risk and leaving him.

Really feel for you, hope things work out for the best for you.

Tell him that he comes across to the family and friends as very insecure that he has to belittle you all the time to feel better about himself.
if he does it again, just look at him and tell him firmly that you've mentioned to him already that he's embarassing himself in front of the family with these repetitive hurtful comments. And walk away.

If he wont change his behaviour and you really wouldn't want another 30 years of this, start lining up your ducks.