My husband insults me in a way he thinks is funny

[Pastkeepsrepeating]

Hi

I’ve changed my user namer for this in case my children, their partners read MN

My husband has this habit of saying things in front of my children and their partners in regard to me that are supposed to be funny but aren’t, they are actually little insults and digs, and when I ask him not to do it (in front of them or later) he says that the thing he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself.

he’s actually being snarky and the jokes aren’t funny, and I can still laugh at myself when jokes are made with true affection and I’m good at joking about silly things I can do and can have everyone laughing. I can be funny and can tell a good story about myself. I don’t make fun of other people.

But what he does to me is different - it has a mean snarky edge to it - small things but always in front of our family and every freaking time they visit.( He willdo it too when it’s just us - he waits for me to say something he thinks is stupid then denigrates me). I don’t exaggerate the frequency. They are put downs in the disguise of ‘jokes:’ They aren’t even good jokes or well disguised. Not sure why my kids laugh. As really, it’s nasty and probably passive aggressive -so very difficult to counteract.

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react. If I do, Husband will say ‘don’t be so sensitive’’. I’m supposed to accept all the small put downs with good grace. In essence he’s silencing me, or if I respond I look like a bad sport. What I really want to say to him , is ‘stop being a fucking dick’ , but he knows I’m not going to forcefully call him on it while family/little grandchildren are there. He’s effectively silenced me.

I even caught him quietly telling my 3 year old grandson that I was a witch. He didn’t mean to be overheard. He said he was just joking. No, he was not. I adore my grandchildren and that particular grandchild really loves to spend time with me. I think he might be jealous. He does seem to have a strong need to be everyone’s favourite grandfather. Always giving them money, ice creams - he’s a bit like Santa Claus in that way.

How can I shut down these put downs/jokes. if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff. I will respond then, and I can say nasty things in response. But I’ve always hated conflict, So it’s a lose lose result for me. And those scenes really distress me. Mostly I retreat to my space and don’t say anything about it.

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him. Play the game in a way that is not allowing myself to be out down?

I have found my clone.

If the house isn't worth that much and he has only a small pension you're up shit creek without a paddle.

Well done.
Try and bring any financial paperwork you have with you.

You clearly have been in an abusive relationship for years.

Women's aid will have great advice.

This is not a man to be incapacitated around.

He is a nasty abuser.

What a shame your children facilitate him.

Do not be guilted by them.

You are leaving him because he is an abusive man and you can risk being unwell around him.

Tell your sister and friends the truth and take all the suppory you can.

Living near your sister would be great for you.

Also look into assisted living.

Wishing you strength and continued bravery.

But still in a better position than staying with him.

So she should just stay and put up with this?

Well done for seeking help at your sisters that's fantastic that you have her support. You can do this we are all willing you on. Sell the house and take half of everything even his pension. And you will at some point have to tell your children how unhappy you have been and ask for their support too If they are decent people they will want their mum to be happy Good luck 🤞

Pack more that you think you will need.

I think an extended break at your sister's is such a wise plan.

Don't speak to him.

Send the odd text that you are fine.

Let the nasty bastard fend for himself and dont leave a shop done for him either.

Leave your children to deal with him.

Moving far enough away that is closer to your sister is the way to go.

@been and done it. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate too. Are you anywhere near being able to apply for PIP/AA?

I think this is good advice
my elderly mother has moved into a complex of flats
Over 55s
There is an in-house care service if needed
but many do not
Mum pays some rent but is supported with Housing and Council Tax benefit

Just read your update. Bravo, that’s exactly what you need to do. I can imagine how horrible it must have been for you putting up with this corrosive behaviour for so long. As you’ve realised, it won’t get any better and you’ll be miserable for the rest of your days with him. I hope you come back from your sister’s with the courage to kick this awful excuse for a husband into touch permanently.

He doesn’t respect you and the pithiest of retorts isn’t going to stop him. It is futile trying to change the mindset of someone who doesn’t want to change.

His contempt is corrosive and your grandchildren are the second generation, that are being exposed to his toxicity.

Telling him that you plan on consulting a divorce lawyer will give him a jolt. Or you can actually do this, which is preferable. People with your husband’s problem depend on a woman being consensual, secretive and subservient. Demonstrating that you will not accept being used as his perpetual personal doormat will send a strong message. In actuality he is (as most men are) helpless without his mate; his knowing this is likely part of the reason for his abuse - and he definitely will not want to find himself alone in his 60s. The threat of losing you will likely give him a much needed reality check and inspire him to change his unacceptable behaviour. Certainly he should not be permitted to deprecate you in front of your children or grandchildren - he is teaching them that cruel, unkind and disrespectful behaviour towards one’s spouse is acceptable and ok to do to their future partners. It’s best not to allow this to continue. And rather than silently ask for your compliance, your grown children should be standing up for you.
Sadly in cases like this, clever comebacks are rarely the answer. Better to pull up your trousers, be proactive, set boundaries and clarify to your husband exactly the way you wish to be treated. Good luck.

I’d go spend more time with the kids and grandkids in their own homes or outside mine on my own op. If they did ask why I would simply say I did not wish that my spouse’s belittling behaviour become a model for the young ones. I’d say I did not wish to call my DH up on it in front of everyone, but that I was fully aware how this dynamic might impact them later on in life. I do believe that your children might have something to say to their dad afterwards.

This is an old thread but would be interesting to hear back from the op.

@Pastkeepsrepeating I’m really glad to read your update and that you’re going to get away from this nasty, bitter man.

Re name changing back… lately MN has changed (at least on my iPad) so that whatever name you posted on a thread as, comes up in the username box when you’re on that thread. It’s really useful and should eliminate name change fails. So change your name back, and you can still post on here (the name you created this under will auto-appear, and anyway if it doesn’t you can just type it in the username box - no need to go and name change under settings).

Best of luck with your future!

Oh FFS it’s a zombie thread.

Dear God this is my life!!
Get out of my head 🤯

Yes that will go down well with children and grandchildren!

Oh dear Zombie!

Depends, of course, on what he’s saying but I always, look slightly puzzled and say ‘sorry? I’m not with you…’ when they repeat it, ‘no, you’ve lost me 🤷‍♀️, not sure what you mean?’ Look around at the others ‘anyone??’ Make him feel stupid…when he talks over you ‘a minute please Brian, I’m still speaking’ and keep talking. I wouldn’t give him an inch, I’d also think about leaving him if that’s possible for you…

The only thing that will work with this nasty man is to tell him to shut the fucking hell up with his insults and put downs, enough is enough and leave it at that.
How you put up with this I do not know. He is not a nice man at all.
I am sure everyone sees through him though and knows how nasty he is.
I really hope you find a way to sort this out as no way to live at all and he is gas lighting you by saying you used to have a sense of humour, tell him that was when you used to be funny instead of being a dickhead.