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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband insults me in a way he thinks is funny

172 replies

Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 04:40

Hi

I’ve changed my user namer for this in case my children, their partners read MN

My husband has this habit of saying things in front of my children and their partners in regard to me that are supposed to be funny but aren’t, they are actually little insults and digs, and when I ask him not to do it (in front of them or later) he says that the thing he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself.

he’s actually being snarky and the jokes aren’t funny, and I can still laugh at myself when jokes are made with true affection and I’m good at joking about silly things I can do and can have everyone laughing. I can be funny and can tell a good story about myself. I don’t make fun of other people.

But what he does to me is different - it has a mean snarky edge to it - small things but always in front of our family and every freaking time they visit.( He willdo it too when it’s just us - he waits for me to say something he thinks is stupid then denigrates me). I don’t exaggerate the frequency. They are put downs in the disguise of ‘jokes:’ They aren’t even good jokes or well disguised. Not sure why my kids laugh. As really, it’s nasty and probably passive aggressive -so very difficult to counteract.

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react. If I do, Husband will say ‘don’t be so sensitive’’. I’m supposed to accept all the small put downs with good grace. In essence he’s silencing me, or if I respond I look like a bad sport. What I really want to say to him , is ‘stop being a fucking dick’ , but he knows I’m not going to forcefully call him on it while family/little grandchildren are there. He’s effectively silenced me.

I even caught him quietly telling my 3 year old grandson that I was a witch. He didn’t mean to be overheard. He said he was just joking. No, he was not. I adore my grandchildren and that particular grandchild really loves to spend time with me. I think he might be jealous. He does seem to have a strong need to be everyone’s favourite grandfather. Always giving them money, ice creams - he’s a bit like Santa Claus in that way.

How can I shut down these put downs/jokes. if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff. I will respond then, and I can say nasty things in response. But I’ve always hated conflict, So it’s a lose lose result for me. And those scenes really distress me. Mostly I retreat to my space and don’t say anything about it.

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him. Play the game in a way that is not allowing myself to be out down?

OP posts:
erinaceus · 10/10/2022 06:44

Do you think that he loves and cares about you? I think the question is, what does it take to change his view from "my digs are funny and the problem is that Pastkeepsrepeating cannot laugh at herself" to "oh my gosh, I am chronically hurting someone I love and that is very mean".

In a way I think you have a sort of, I don't wanna say duty, but more, justify it to you because you don't want to call him out in front of your kids, but you do need to get across to him that this isn't reasonable in front of your kids and especially your grandkids because otherwise they will learn that this is a normal pattern of behaving, and it really isn't. I don't know if the right comeback is "don't be a fucking dick" but "Don't make jokes at my expense. It hurts my feelings, makes me feel like shit, and is cruel. I don't like it" is a reasonable refrain.

Fraaahnces · 10/10/2022 06:47

I’d be calling him “Victor Meldrew” and referring to him as this as well - to everyone. Nasty, nasty man.

LesLavandes · 10/10/2022 06:49

I was married to someone like that. It is soul destroying. Your husband is bullying and controlling. You are being abused. My exhusband also used to undermine me in front of our children. This has caused a lot of damage between myself and my children which I am slowly repairing. I have had tonnes of therapy but scars have been left. Can you see a therapist? Try to spend as little time with him as possible. Join clubs, groups, there is an organisation calked 'meetup'. You will find a group in your area. It's fantastic and helped me. ☘️

cantley · 10/10/2022 06:49

I'm so sorry OP, he's nasty.
My brother can be goady when he's had a few drinks. Sometimes I ignore him completely if he has a dig, like he's not there and hasn't spoken.
He's waiting for a reaction and he doesn't get it.
Other times I'll say out loud " oh it's time to pick on Cantley! " and roll my eyes around and immediately change the subject.
Most of the time my brother is not nasty but he does have this "side" - not all the time - and thank God he's not my husband.

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 10/10/2022 06:49

The thing is that he is teaching your little grandchildren how to behave in a bullying and disrespectful way. I think for now all you can say is I'm not going to put up with being talked to like that and literally leaving the house. I would definitely be planning my exit now. You will be as broke as he will. He's not going to keep all the money no matter what he says. If you post in the money matters section you will get some really good advice about what you are entitled to. Knowledge is Power.

Aishah231 · 10/10/2022 06:50

Hi OP - how about using the standard Mumsnet response - sorry did you mean to be so rude?

If that doesn't work - 'stop being such a dick' and follow it up by calling him out on his put downs if he claims he's only joking.say you know he's only saying these things to hurt you and it needs to stop. Yes it'll be unpleasant but hopefully you'll only have to do it once

Paq · 10/10/2022 06:51

Pull him up on it every single time. So what if he accuses you of "being sensitive"? Your children should be sticking up for you as well. You're 60, you potentially have another 30 years of this!

Don't get emotional. Just say "please don't make digs at me in front of others, I don't like it. I'm your wife, and you are supposed to care about my feelings."

AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/10/2022 06:55

No obstacle to leaving is ultimately insurmountable and I would also think your adult children would be happy for you. They’ve seen all too clearly how their dad acts towards you as their mum and perhaps wonder why you’re still with him.

You are in your 60’s so not that old. You are also entitled to a divorce settlement.

I would urge you to contact both Womens Aid and seek legal advice asap re divorcing your abuser. You can and should rebuild your life without him in it. Remember too that the only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

FreudayNight · 10/10/2022 06:56

“Aren’t you the gem” is a good one.
”Tumbleweed for that attempt.”
”Can’t you just eat your dinner rather than be rude about me.”
“Try not to make a show of yourself today dear”
”That’s not very nice, didn’t your Mother teach you.”

Have you ever thought about just getting up and leaving the room. Or quietly saying to him “Just so you know, when you start on that shit I fucking hate you.”

PotatoFamily · 10/10/2022 06:59

I always find that a constant response of “are you threatened by me” in front of everyone does the trick

OnTheBrinkOfChange · 10/10/2022 07:01

Isn't there anyone amongst your children and in-laws that would back you up? Surely they wouldn't want to be treated like that?

Iwonder08 · 10/10/2022 07:03

If you insist on not divorcing this man I would threaten him before the guests arrive. One more joke in front of others and you will respond and he won't enjoy it. If he does joke do respond. I would say something like 'we have discussed it, your compulsive need for these pathetic digs badly masked as jokes on daily basis need to be better controlled. Try talking it over with a therapist or a divorce lawyer'. If your extended family expresse their displeasure or take his side do explain to them you live with a verbally abusive man and perhaps it is time we all stopped pretending it is not the case.

iRun2eatCake · 10/10/2022 07:08

My XH was the same. If l said anything l was told it's "just a joke" etc etc. DC started with the "jokes" too actively encouraged by XH.

I was so so unhappy. Miserable but couldn't see a way out.

Thankfully he left me for OW and l got my happiness back.

Silly man thought he'd walk all over me in the divorce and would get most of the money for the house.... he didn't.

OP - you say you'll be poor, but it would be split 50/50.... including pensions etc. Don't dismiss splitting up and look into it.

TooHotToTangoToo · 10/10/2022 07:11

Sounds like your dh was a bully towards your dc too which is why they don't want you to react.

I'd simply start with
'Oh that's a 7 for that insult'
'Tick, that's another one off grandads insult bingo card'
If he tells you you're being sensitive, respond with 'I find Peter Kay funny, you not so much'
'Oh we're changing to insults now rather than humour'
If he ever makes a 'funny comment about your appearance then it's said Brad Pitt over there' or if it's about your food 'says Gordan Ramsey' with a laugh (you get the picture)

When he talks over you, say 'oh I'm sorry grandad, did I talk whilst you were interrupting'

All said with a little tinkly laugh and then change the subject.

sevenbyseven · 10/10/2022 07:12

I understand why you feel you can't leave him, but can you really put up with another 10 or 20+ years of this? He's so awful to you Sad

Do you think he'd ever be physically violent to you?

Do you have a friend or relative you could talk to about this in real life who might offer support?

Snowberry3 · 10/10/2022 07:13

The fact the DCs shut you down and don't want you to rock the boat means they have bought in to this nastiness because it has gone on so long.

I suggest yelling extremely loudly at him the next time eg will you shut up you always want to put me down -making sure everyone hears, the embarrassed silence will probably last until your DCs leave but he won't keep doing it.

Snowberry3 · 10/10/2022 07:14

I should have also said look into divorce and how much you will get - you prob can live alone. Speak to Citiziens Advice, CAB.

ShandaLear · 10/10/2022 07:16

I apologise for my husband. He can’t help being a twat.
Oh, well done you. Been reading the joke book again, have you?
Could be worse. At least I’m not an embarrassing arse.
You’re one to talk. Have you seen the state of your…
Of course I’m not a witch. If I was I’d have turned you into a handsome prince, but look, you’re still a toad.

All of these would work, but the reality is that I shouldn’t have to put up with it at all. It is abuse and you should explore ways of leaving him.

Wallywobbles · 10/10/2022 07:17

If you leave you will not be as poor as you think. You'll get half the house and half his pension whatever he might think.

buttons123456 · 10/10/2022 07:17

My friends husband is like this ! It's abusive !

He will say look how funny mummy's big bum looks kids etc ..

It's just mean and she has zero self esteem now !!

My dh never does this and not do I ! It's not normal in a loving relationship!

Banana2079 · 10/10/2022 07:19

You Just need to call him out Quite firmly when he does it -the embarrassment of it all should hopefully stop him next time -it will be a shock to hear you in front of other people tell him to stop and hopefully it will stop because he knows that you will tell him off again in front of them If he ever try this again

Also talk to him afterwards and tell him how this makes you feel. In future if you ever wanted to leave him don’t think that you would be poor and un supported -There is a lot of support in the way of benefits and services

Gruach · 10/10/2022 07:21

What is the point of marriage if either party is too scared to leave?

It really does not sound as if your husband likes or respects you. How will your situation be better if (or when) he decides to leave you? This is something you should be racing to pre-empt.

I am a similar age to you. I have seen terrible, wounding behaviour towards one member of a family passed from one generation to the next. PP are correct - your husband is teaching your grandchildren to despise you. If you don’t take decisive steps they will be behaving exactly like him in twenty years. Imagine that.

I really would urge you to get some proper, professional advice on how to separate yourself from this man.

Autumflower · 10/10/2022 07:26

Why are u with him ,nasty fucker

Bouledeneige · 10/10/2022 07:30

Both me and my XH got a bit into this style of 'humour'. It hurt me so I stopped after sone reflection about who I wanted to be. He never did.

I think you should talk about it when he's not doing it and you are on your own. Ask him why he does it and tell him that it hurts you and doesn't feel kind. If he dismisses it ask him to go for counselling to address the issue. I didn't mange to get my XH to and in the end we divorced for other reasons - he had affairs. But it's a sign as you say of disrespect which my ex betrayed, in the end, in words and deeds.

As you grow old together the one thing you do want to be able to expect is kindness surely. And if you have a disability being treated with kindness and respect matters even more.

Autumflower · 10/10/2022 07:30

I hope your family do see this and realise it’s you
because instead of quietly imploring you to to not react
they should be shutting him down
with ,dad ,enough,stop upsetting mum .
every fucking time