My husband insults me in a way he thinks is funny

[Pastkeepsrepeating]

Hi

I’ve changed my user namer for this in case my children, their partners read MN

My husband has this habit of saying things in front of my children and their partners in regard to me that are supposed to be funny but aren’t, they are actually little insults and digs, and when I ask him not to do it (in front of them or later) he says that the thing he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself.

he’s actually being snarky and the jokes aren’t funny, and I can still laugh at myself when jokes are made with true affection and I’m good at joking about silly things I can do and can have everyone laughing. I can be funny and can tell a good story about myself. I don’t make fun of other people.

But what he does to me is different - it has a mean snarky edge to it - small things but always in front of our family and every freaking time they visit.( He willdo it too when it’s just us - he waits for me to say something he thinks is stupid then denigrates me). I don’t exaggerate the frequency. They are put downs in the disguise of ‘jokes:’ They aren’t even good jokes or well disguised. Not sure why my kids laugh. As really, it’s nasty and probably passive aggressive -so very difficult to counteract.

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react. If I do, Husband will say ‘don’t be so sensitive’’. I’m supposed to accept all the small put downs with good grace. In essence he’s silencing me, or if I respond I look like a bad sport. What I really want to say to him , is ‘stop being a fucking dick’ , but he knows I’m not going to forcefully call him on it while family/little grandchildren are there. He’s effectively silenced me.

I even caught him quietly telling my 3 year old grandson that I was a witch. He didn’t mean to be overheard. He said he was just joking. No, he was not. I adore my grandchildren and that particular grandchild really loves to spend time with me. I think he might be jealous. He does seem to have a strong need to be everyone’s favourite grandfather. Always giving them money, ice creams - he’s a bit like Santa Claus in that way.

How can I shut down these put downs/jokes. if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff. I will respond then, and I can say nasty things in response. But I’ve always hated conflict, So it’s a lose lose result for me. And those scenes really distress me. Mostly I retreat to my space and don’t say anything about it.

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him. Play the game in a way that is not allowing myself to be out down?

I think the fact that your kids are willing you not to respond means you need to model a no bullshit response to this as their expectations of how to be treated in a relationship aren’t great.

‘Jokes are supposed to be funny and yours aren’t, they’re pathetic.’

in your shoes I would talk to your DC. I can’t believe they want their mother disrespected. I would explain to them that you want to change this behaviour. Then talk to him. If he slips back, consider only seeing your DC and DGC away from him

the witch thing is outrageous. Tell the DC whose child was involved and work with them to make sure no damage has been done.

response to ‘You’re too sensitive’: ‘Good job one of us is sensitive, you’re just rude and unkind’

He’s disrespecting you in front of your kids, what a vile human.

I'd say "starting a bit early today aren't you!" At the first one and make sure to make a comment like "isn't that lovely" or "aren't you polite" or "thanks for those kind words" Every. Single. Time. It means everyone will pick up on it, and hopefully it will embarrass him into stopping.

Just a little comment in response every time, so you flag it to everyone present. That's all it needs.

I’m in my 60s and absolutely could not stand this. You should be looking forward to your retirement and being with someone who cares for you. Talk to your children and look into an over 55s place. You could easily start a new life for yourself. I know people who do and they have a whale of a time. Just imagine spending time with your DC and GDC without that horrible man.

Sounds awful OP. Please check with a solicitor what you'd get in a divorce.

Can you find a nickname that sounds ok but you know he will secretly hate and when he says something nasty say 'oh here comes XXXX

Kenny Everett
Rod Hull
Victor Meldrew
Dolores Umbridge
silly Chicken - with the intonation of 'stupid fucker'

Maybe practise in front of the mirror so you look bored too when you say it.

'Or OH moving swiftly on from that HILARIOUS COMMENT'

Or after he makes some comment then 'accidentally' drop something on him, or on his food, or forget to make him a cup of tea. Every crap comment, extract a petty revenge later.

But he's trying to destroy you, so fight back whoever you can.

Your life isnt over at 60 op. You have so much life left, dont give up on yourself. There are worse things than being poor, namely, living with someome who doesnt like or love you and is horrible to you. Im so sad reading your post.

‘I’m in my 60s, if I leave I will be very poor and I have a disabling illness. I should have left years ago. But realistically, I can’t see a way of doing it now.’

It is now time for you to test this assumption.
Book an appointment to see a Solicitor who specialises in family law.
Before the planned appointment, collate as much information as you can about all income streams into the household, tax payments, value of house & other assets, pensions & investments - all information about both.

The Solicitor will open you eyes with facts so that you may see the future clearly.

What state benefits do you receive? Personal Independence Payments?
Look at benefit calculators in Citizen Advice Bureau & Turn2Us. When you leave to live independently, you may find that if your income is low, benefits may help. PIP may help you budget for home support.

The time has come for you to be far better informed about how you might live independently if or when you leave this abusive marriage. He is only going to get meaner & nastier as you both age & you become more dependent. The writing is on the wall for you all as a family.

By being better informed, you will have greater self-confidence.

Why do none of you family stand up for you? Partly because you don’t, partly because they are far too used to his nasty digs & partly because he has been getting at them for years already.

By chance, you heard him poisoning the trust of your young grandchild, to undermine the love & security he feels with you - what a spiteful nasty man.
He has form, he has done this before, ask your children.

The time has come to look for change in how you live together, otherwise why would you be here on MN?

‘I was only joking’

‘No, you were not, you are a small minded nasty man, we all know that’

@Pastkeepsrepeating you only need to respond a few times in front of everyone and he will get the message. Things like ‘I’m the first person to enjoy a good joke, but that’s not kind or funny’. Also have a word with your kids and say it’s not a good example for grand kids. Just say to them you should have dealt with it sooner/didn’t want a scene but have realised that was the wrong approach. You don’t need to be confrontational with him either when alone - use a similar tactic ‘what an unkind thing to say. How would you like it if I said x, y, z? Fortunately we don’t need to find out because I don’t have to make myself feel better by putting you down’. Say that one in front of everyone as well so they know you are ok with jokes but not veiled insults. If you overhear him feeding the grandkids nonsense you can even say something like ‘what did you just say?’ And when he tries to cover it up, say ‘oh, there was I thinking you told Y I’m a witch’

A counsellor said to me once ‘it takes two to argue’ and she is right. You can control this by not engaging and showing him you won’t tolerate it anymore.

I agree with the poster who suggested you first talk to your children (adult, I imagine) about this. Just quietly and without rancour point out how hurt you are by their dad's behaviour to you. If he then came to realise that they think it's unacceptable too, maybe he'd stop. But it has become a family habit, it seems, this 'poking fun at Mum' and one that occurs in lots of families. If you don't speak up - losing your temper would be counterproductive I think - and make your feelings plain, it'll go on for ever.

Why are your kids silently imploring you not to react rather than calling out their pathetic excuse for a father on his awful behaviour?

Are they worried they'll be next?

Either way they're condoning his abuse. Not good.

You need to leave.

But in the mean time I'd call him out on every single comment. Dont laugh. Don't go along with it.

Every time say, why are you being abusive to me? Don't pretend it's a joke we all know its not.

I’ll just add to my previous comment - my great aunt was in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship similar to this her whole life, and divorced her husband a few years ago.

She’s in her late 70s, legally blind and has difficulty walking. She has never worked.

Family helped her find an assisted living accommodation and she’s like a different person.

So in terms of it being too late or too difficult if you want to leave - I think it’s always worth it if you’re with an abusive partner, and there are more options out there than it may first appear.

"Well there go, straight from the horse's arse. Tea anyone?"

"Thank goodness dementia isn't catching. Let's go check your pills dear"

"Doctor did say new confusion comes with water infections. You don't seem your kind, gentlemen self. Do you need a break from being socially inept?"

I agree with pp that you don't need witty comebacks. It will only make you look bad if they fall flat or seem nasty.

Instead, just respond to every comment along the lines of, "that's hurtful," "I don't find that funny," "that's a cruel thing to say," "that's mean," "don't speak to/about me like that," "I've asked you before to stop making these unkind jokes," etc.

But also, maybe talk to Women's Aid and/or a solicitor. You don't have to stay with this horrible man forever. You could get free.

Is it ‘Life’ where Alison Streadman is in this exact scenario? There are obviously enough men doing nasty ‘jokey’ put downs across the country for them to be able to write a script about it.

Honestly?

All these ‘witty’ retorts will just read as a bickering couple. “Oh well, she gives as good as she gets.” And if you wanted to be that person you already would be.

Get some professional advice. Then leave him.

Make him repeat it. "Sorry, I missed that. What did you say?"

Then just roll your eyes when he does.

"Yes, dear."

Roll eyes again.

He will come to hate you even more but this isn't a life that you deserve.

That you feel you shouldn't say 'stop being a fucking dick' in front of the children speaks well of you, but it's worth considering the relative harm of 'kids hear a swear word' vs. 'grannie sits silently and lets grandpa belittle her'. I think the latter is going to do more damage in the long run.

I wonder if your children tolerate/don't challenge the behaviour as they have experienced it too. I have a family member who sounds a bit like your husband and the pleading looks/silence and colluding in the mean 'jokes' by laughing at them does sound familiar. It feels pretty shit when they're effectively saying 'let her soak up the abuse, not me', but I think it is often an instinctive fear response as they've had the same treatment growing up. If they're adults and you have that kind of relationship, maybe worth talking to them about his behaviour, when he's not around.

I've heard something recently about people who divorce later in life, the women typically thrive!

It's death by a million cuts. You can leave, this cannot be the rest of your life.

I definitely think you should talk to your kids about it. Tell them how it makes you feel and that you'd like their support if it happens again. Tell the parent of the 3 year old what you heard.

The alternative is, I would see the kids and grandkids by yourself. Go and see them, instead of them coming to you.

I think he's jealous and abusive.

I could give a lot of comebacks too.
Buy a joke book and when he starts leave the room and give him the book...Tell him these are jokes, insulting your wife isn't.

Or... even he starts say hold on...let me just record this, so we can play ot back and if it's really funny. I can also post in on an online forum and get opinions from neutral parties about it.

Or turn to your kids partners and say you hope they never do what your husband is doing to your kids/their partners, because it's so hurtful and you'd hate them your kids to feel the way you do when he insults you with his jokes. It also wouldn't be nice for your beautiful grandkids to see this.

I bet anyone of these comebacks would embarrass him and he'd stop...because it makes him look like an idiot.

Dad did this to mum all his life. I felt tongue-tied and helpless and so did she. I'm not sure why. I think it was because it wasn't worth upsetting him, and retaliation of any kind would backfire. Not that he would get violent; it was more subtle than that, some kind of fragile ego game that had to be allowed to play itself out for everyone's sake (or so we all believed).

He lived well into his 90s and by the time he died, mum was almost dead herself. She certainly had no time to enjoy the new lease of life I suspect she had looked forward to for years, waiting patiently for him to "leave" her.

Being poor and disabled is no joke, but you are still relatively young, and compared with your future self, relatively able.

I don't think there are any successful ways of dealing with a man who enjoys showing his disrespect for you.

I’m in my 60s, if I leave I will be very poor and I have a disabling illness. I should have left years ago. But realistically, I can’t see a way of doing it now.

When you're 80 you'll look back and wish you did it years ago, in your 60's.

Good god why on earth would you want to incorporate humour into a situation where you are being abused?
I would also not bother talking to your children you don’t need the ri approval or protection you just need to tell him you’ve had enough of him speaking to you and treating you this way and you want a divorce.

fuck living your life with this level of insidious mental cruelty and downright nastiness. Get rid of him he is atrocious

I'm with Grouch, I think the witty retorts might make you feel better in the short term but ultimately play into a "gives as good as she gets" mentality.

When he makes the snide jokes I'd simply say "that's not funny". On repeat for each dig. And then change the subject, ask someone else a question etc. Give him no airtime.

If he interrupts, it would be "I'm speaking" and then continue.

I'd also speak to your kids. Let them know you don't like the digs and it's hurtful when they laugh along. As a poster says above, they'd rather you absorb the abuse than have the discomfort of addressing it. That's not on.

Long term, look at options to leave. Contact the council about housing, consider what financial support you might get. Your life is far to short to be drained by that man.