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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband insults me in a way he thinks is funny

172 replies

Pastkeepsrepeating · 10/10/2022 04:40

Hi

I’ve changed my user namer for this in case my children, their partners read MN

My husband has this habit of saying things in front of my children and their partners in regard to me that are supposed to be funny but aren’t, they are actually little insults and digs, and when I ask him not to do it (in front of them or later) he says that the thing he used to like about me is that I could always have a laugh about myself.

he’s actually being snarky and the jokes aren’t funny, and I can still laugh at myself when jokes are made with true affection and I’m good at joking about silly things I can do and can have everyone laughing. I can be funny and can tell a good story about myself. I don’t make fun of other people.

But what he does to me is different - it has a mean snarky edge to it - small things but always in front of our family and every freaking time they visit.( He willdo it too when it’s just us - he waits for me to say something he thinks is stupid then denigrates me). I don’t exaggerate the frequency. They are put downs in the disguise of ‘jokes:’ They aren’t even good jokes or well disguised. Not sure why my kids laugh. As really, it’s nasty and probably passive aggressive -so very difficult to counteract.

He also talks over me, dismisses me in front of my kids and grandkids, but I can see my kids silently imploring me not to react. If I do, Husband will say ‘don’t be so sensitive’’. I’m supposed to accept all the small put downs with good grace. In essence he’s silencing me, or if I respond I look like a bad sport. What I really want to say to him , is ‘stop being a fucking dick’ , but he knows I’m not going to forcefully call him on it while family/little grandchildren are there. He’s effectively silenced me.

I even caught him quietly telling my 3 year old grandson that I was a witch. He didn’t mean to be overheard. He said he was just joking. No, he was not. I adore my grandchildren and that particular grandchild really loves to spend time with me. I think he might be jealous. He does seem to have a strong need to be everyone’s favourite grandfather. Always giving them money, ice creams - he’s a bit like Santa Claus in that way.

How can I shut down these put downs/jokes. if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff. I will respond then, and I can say nasty things in response. But I’ve always hated conflict, So it’s a lose lose result for me. And those scenes really distress me. Mostly I retreat to my space and don’t say anything about it.

Any suggestions? Something funny, witty I can say to turn the joke back on him. Play the game in a way that is not allowing myself to be out down?

OP posts:
Badger1970 · 10/10/2022 13:35

You're very right to look to the future OP.

You don't want a bully to be looking after you - if he's upsetting you now, imagine a future where you are reliant on him ...

There is always a better option Flowers

XmasElf10 · 10/10/2022 13:41

How about “please don’t be rude to me, I don’t like it” said in a calm tone everytime he does it… no matter who is there.

If he says “aww, it’s a joke, you can’t take a joke.” You go with “I don’t find it funny, I find it hurtful, please don’t do it”. Keep repeating this. Even if it were a joke (which it’s clear it isn’t) a nice loving person would stop doing it if you said it hurt your feelings. Eventually you’ll embarrass him with your repeated calm requests for him to treat you decently and maybe he’ll stop being an arse.

Alcemeg · 10/10/2022 13:41

That is absolutely brilliant news, OP, how wonderful that you're seizing your life with both hands. Your plan is brave and clever and clear-sighted.

Unfortunately I don't think any of the well-meant suggestions for improving his behaviour are ever going to change the fact that this is a man who enjoys belittling you in order to make himself feel big. It's not just that it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks, and you're both deeply entrenched in patterns of behaviour that seem set in stone. It's also that if you somehow managed to work the miracle of persuading him to change this aspect of the way he treats you, his inner poison would need to find some other way of seeping out in your direction.

Good luck, and I hope you relish your newfound tranquillity. I'm pretty sure your sister is one in a whole army of friends and family who will rally to your support, relieved that they no longer have to witness his cruelty to the woman they love.

MatildaTheCat · 10/10/2022 13:44

Excellent idea to go to your sister to have a clear think. Do take with you all and any important documents you have. Passport, birth and marriage certificates, banking details and, if you can get them, copies of his finances and pensions.

If you have items of personal importance like jewellery or photos take them or lock them away. He sounds like a very spiteful man.

Good luck.

Bestcatmum · 10/10/2022 13:45

I would let him have it in front of everyone.

EnjoythemoneyJane · 10/10/2022 13:53

That’s amazing, OP, great plan to get some thinking time away from him.

You describe so perfectly that moment when you finally allow the scales to fall from your eyes and realise everything needs to change, when the prospect of a future with him in it is more scary than the alternative. And once you start thinking that way, you won’t go back, and nor will you allow yourself to tolerate his shit for a moment longer - in fact, I’m willing to bet that by the time you leave your sister’s you’ll not just be resigned to a very different future, but actually excited about it. Imagine not having to live with his negativity and spitefulness - you’ll be a new woman!

Wishing you all the best x

sevenbyseven · 10/10/2022 14:01

Good luck OP. It won't be easy but it's got to be better than continuing as you have been. Flowers

Badbaddogagain · 10/10/2022 14:16

Fabulous OP, I’m chuffed to bits to read this plan! Wishing you the very very best of luck 💐

EndlessMagpies · 10/10/2022 14:28

You are a strong, brave woman, and I wish you all the very best. Flowers

UniversalAunt · 10/10/2022 15:39

@Pastkeepsrepeating that sounds like one hellluva plan.
I wish you all the best.

ChocChipOwl · 10/10/2022 15:58

Good for you you brave woman.

Rosehugger · 10/10/2022 15:59

Oh, that's amazing to read, OP. I'm so pleased for you.

Whiskeypowers · 10/10/2022 16:50

You are absolutely doing the best thing for YOU. Well done, it is not easy when that realisation kicks in and you know you have no choice but to make this decision but it will lead you to a far better place and life in the long run

Hopefully you can let us all know how you are getting on and we are all here for moral support 💪🏻

Ontobetterthings · 10/10/2022 17:18

He sounds like a real bully. Everytime he has a dig you could just say "how rude " and turn away and talk to someone else. Don't put up with this shit.

Frith2013 · 10/10/2022 17:31

That's excellent news. Good luck!

Mandy1010 · 10/10/2022 18:37

I can so empathise with this. You could have been describing how I my other half is with me. I can’t offer any advise though as I am useless with the comebacks. I would love to be able to put him back in his place but most of the time if you do retort back you come across as defensive. I’m sorry for you predicament. I’m following for any helpful suggestions.

OldFan · 10/10/2022 20:00

Great plan @Pastkeepsrepeating . Do you claim DLA/PIP?

I just claimed everything for my uncle (62) as he's had to give up work due to a disability, and he's going to end up on £18,000 a year towards all his stuff all told, when he only had £11,000 take home pay when in work.

Over state pension age there are different rules for PIP but you'll still be ok I promise. Money isn't everything and being free of his antics will be great.

Felicity42 · 10/10/2022 20:14

Don't defend yourself but draw attention to his own behavior such as 'it seems you think I've done something wrong'.

Huntswomanonthemove · 10/10/2022 21:22

Brilliant @Pastkeepsrepeating all the very best for a much happier future. 🌺🌺🌺

Neome · 10/10/2022 21:29

So glad you have found a way forward, good luck , happy days ahead.

WindowsSmindows · 10/10/2022 21:29

Best of luck. Aren't sisters great to have, I hope that your family will be delighted for you. Xxx

Oblahdeeoblahdoe · 10/10/2022 22:07

That’s a great update! All the very best, be sure to share with your sister

comingintomyown · 10/10/2022 22:30

My XH used to do this and I once calmly explained it wasn’t funny and upset me,didn’t make a jot of difference.
After we split courtesy of Mumsnet I read a book by Lundy Bancroft Why does he do that and realised this behaviour is typical of narcissistic behaviour, I recommend the book to help you unpick this

olympicsrock · 10/10/2022 23:02

Well done. You are doing the right thing .

Ofcourseshecan · 10/10/2022 23:57

if I bring this stuff up later, after the kids are gone, it’s an excuse for him to explode and say very nasty stuff

This is very revealing. He’s not joking at all. It’s all an attack on you. Are you sure your DC are silently imploring me not to react? They may dread embarrassment, but surely he’s the one they want to shut up, not you.

Do you have any reason to stay with him apart from fear of the future alone?

—

I’ve just read your update, OP, and I’m cheering you on! Your future would be far more frightening living with a bully who would gain more power over you if your health deteriorated. Best of luck in your new life out of this horrible man’s grasp.