DSS (10) went to thump DS (4 and disabled)

[TemporaryChange1]

My DS can be incredibly challenging and you would never hear me pretend otherwise but what happened this evening has really upset me. DS is severely autistic, has LD's and suspected ADHD. His level of understanding is more comparable to a very young toddler.

DSC are round today. I left all of them with OH (father to all of them) whilst I nipped to the shop. DS began having a meltdown when I got home as he struggles with transitions and gets upset when people come in and out as he automatically wants to go outside himself.

As I come in DS begins crying and throwing himself on the floor. He threw one of his car toys which landed near DSD but not at her. It landed about a metre away from where she was sitting. DSS (10) jumped up, grabbed DS by the jumper and raised his fist ready to thump him in the face.

OH shouted for him to stop right there and don't you dare punch him, so he didn't, but he certainly intended to.

When DSS (10) went back to sit down DS (4) then threw another toy which landed near him this time. OH made DS apologise for throwing the toy. No apology forthcoming from DSS for going to thump DS.

Admittedly, DS is my weakness. I'm incredibly protective of him as he's just so vulnerable so I want to know whether you think I'm being unreasonable so be absolutely furious about this.

I got DS shoes on and took him out the house to the greenery down the road where we're now sitting.

I don't think Sara has disclosed how old her DD is, it may well be that she was dx back at such a time that aspergers was recognised and accepted as a dx in its own right.

I find it very sad that she is now under attack for simply posting to corroborate points I've made. All of this is most definitely not in the spirit of mumsnet.

There is some downright nastiness coming through these past few pages and lunacy to boot. Nobody has the right or knowledge to cast doubt on somebodies explanation of their child's needs. The parents know better than a stranger on the Internet who gets not but a snippet of information.

I notice people (in their made up narrative of @TemporaryChange1 as the wicked stepmother) have totally missed this:

Is there something going on to make him react like this?
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I've thought about this throughout the day and the single biggest change going on in his life is that his DM has moved a new partner in a few months ago and they're expecting a baby. It's possible he has some complicated feelings about that (he hasn't mentioned anything I'm just thinking of possible triggers for the violence)

This might be worth mentioning to your DH when you have your planned calmer conversation. It could be significant and might be worth DH and DSS talking through.

I would focus on the good advice on this thread. Maybe some boundaries around your DSD and DSS being expected to go to a quieter room, as part of agreed coping strategies when DS is having a meltdown. And your suggestion of sometimes taking your son out of the situation when DSS and DSD come and visit so they get more quality time with DH too is a good one. It would be worth you and DH reiterating to DSS how much you love having him round, and that you want him to feel safe and loved in his home. All of that is the context for a follow up chat with DSS about how you can help him with a difficult situation that is not of his making.

I really dont get all the nastiness. As far as I can see @TemporaryChange1 has been piled upon and I am not sure why? I would ask for it to be deleted as I dont think anything else can be added.

Hopefully you can talk to your OH about getting to the bottom of this and why he reacted and take it from there

I'm sorry you're feeling piled on. Would it be helpful to see if we can suggest ways to help build relationships between the three and how to manage when they're at home together?

I can assure you that I am a genuine and very longstanding poster - MNHQ will be able to confirm I’ve written about my autistic child under different names for years.

My point about the other poster’s child’s diagnosis, and countering the OP’s speculation about it, was based on that poster’s own past posts. I did a search to check rather than speculate, but I didn’t think it was fair to say what they’d said there so I reduced it to “I suspect”. I see in hindsight that sounded snarky but it wasn’t my intention.

I said in my first post on here that the DSS shouldn’t have acted as he did, needs to assure his father and the OP that he won’t do this again. So it’s not like I didn’t advise and try and support the OP.

But a large selection of parents of autistic children, including me, also had constructive criticism. The OP’s son is only 4 and most of us are coming from a (very battle worn) place of being many years on. Many of us have other children, even step children, as well as our autistic child. We know that while it may seem like a 10 year old should understand, they don’t fully and can harbour resentment. We know that ultimately it’s up to us to manage the behaviour of our autistic child and that while it may not seem too bad to us as an isolated incident, it may look threatening or intentional to a child.

None of the para above means the OP shouldn’t ensure the DSS is spoken to, and I would suggest doing it calmly in an “what happened there?” way over a drink or snack and not in a punitive way. Not because his wasn’t a punishable offence, but because the time has passed and he’ll take it in better and be far less likely to be defensive this way. IMO,