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Original poster

DSS (10) went to thump DS (4 and disabled)

309 replies

TemporaryChange1 · 07/10/2022 18:37

My DS can be incredibly challenging and you would never hear me pretend otherwise but what happened this evening has really upset me. DS is severely autistic, has LD's and suspected ADHD. His level of understanding is more comparable to a very young toddler.

DSC are round today. I left all of them with OH (father to all of them) whilst I nipped to the shop. DS began having a meltdown when I got home as he struggles with transitions and gets upset when people come in and out as he automatically wants to go outside himself.

As I come in DS begins crying and throwing himself on the floor. He threw one of his car toys which landed near DSD but not at her. It landed about a metre away from where she was sitting. DSS (10) jumped up, grabbed DS by the jumper and raised his fist ready to thump him in the face.

OH shouted for him to stop right there and don't you dare punch him, so he didn't, but he certainly intended to.

When DSS (10) went back to sit down DS (4) then threw another toy which landed near him this time. OH made DS apologise for throwing the toy. No apology forthcoming from DSS for going to thump DS.

Admittedly, DS is my weakness. I'm incredibly protective of him as he's just so vulnerable so I want to know whether you think I'm being unreasonable so be absolutely furious about this.

I got DS shoes on and took him out the house to the greenery down the road where we're now sitting.

OP posts:
Original poster
TemporaryChange1 · 09/10/2022 14:13

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2022 14:11

A lot here though is about your OH.

And whilst yes that level of losing control is possible in a 10 year old boy if certain factors are at play and whilst it isnt every child I imagine most schools deal with some kind of incident each day.

Factors are

Developmental Growth Spurt
Anxiety
Loss of Control
Feeling Disconnected
Big life changes/transitions/trauma
Temperament and personality
Anger is Modeled
Physical causes

Anger is modelled and a loss of control (possibly coupled with a developmental growth spurt and some life changes)

Given that you have more than once said your OH exploded at you and did not make him apologise means I would say he is very much the centre of your issues

Show quote history

I think you may well be right.

OP posts:
PearlLennox · 09/10/2022 14:25

I imagine your husband, rightly or wrongly, is worried his kids will simply stop coming round. I know a few separated couples and once the kids are 10+ this seems to become quite a real concern (eg once they have friendship groups they’d rather see at the weekends, or they don’t enjoy being at the NRP’s house for whatever reason).

What your stepson did was shitty and no, I don’t think it’s ok or typical, but I also think he’s a wee boy that’s struggling with his own stuff too. Going between two houses and new siblings on the way and feeling like you don’t quite fit in anywhere any more can be very difficult to process. That’s without the fact that one sibling has a severe disability factored in. Doesn’t excuse it but i think his parents should be checking he’s ok.

Quartz2208 · 09/10/2022 14:26

I take it as well there has been no discussion as to what happened before you got it because that may well give some clues

Excusess · 09/10/2022 14:32

@TemporaryChange1 You are turning your DS into the golden child who can do no wrong whilst punishing the DSC left and right.
SN or not, bad behaviour should not be tolerated.
Please don't impose your kid and your bad parenting on the rest of your family.

ldontWanna · 09/10/2022 14:42

Excusess · 09/10/2022 14:32

@TemporaryChange1 You are turning your DS into the golden child who can do no wrong whilst punishing the DSC left and right.
SN or not, bad behaviour should not be tolerated.
Please don't impose your kid and your bad parenting on the rest of your family.

Where did you get your info from exactly?

How is she punishing left right and centre when she wasn't even involved in the telling off,much less any punishment (of which there was none).

Not just that ,but she is doing her best in managing her son's behaviour,she disapproves of it, she's even considering ABA therapy ffs. She allowed her husband make her child apologise,despite him not actually hurting anyone.

So really curious where is your narrative coming from?

saraclara · 09/10/2022 14:46

Excusess · 09/10/2022 14:32

@TemporaryChange1 You are turning your DS into the golden child who can do no wrong whilst punishing the DSC left and right.
SN or not, bad behaviour should not be tolerated.
Please don't impose your kid and your bad parenting on the rest of your family.

I don't know what you've been reading, but it's clearly not the OP's posts.

Original poster
TemporaryChange1 · 09/10/2022 14:47

Is that Purple with a name change 🤔😂

OP posts:
AmayaGirl · 09/10/2022 14:48

If your husband/partner is "father to all of them" are they not half-siblings not step? Someone asked you this question, but you have not responded.

Original poster
TemporaryChange1 · 09/10/2022 14:50

I must have missed the question, yes they are half siblings.

I'm not sure where step came from but if I said that it was a mistake.

OP posts:
Excusess · 09/10/2022 15:04

@AmayaGirl Sounds more like a freudian slip. No wonder she doesn't consider those children as part of her family...

Original poster
TemporaryChange1 · 09/10/2022 15:07

Excusess · 09/10/2022 15:04

@AmayaGirl Sounds more like a freudian slip. No wonder she doesn't consider those children as part of her family...

Ah balls, you got me 🙄

OP posts:
Excusess · 09/10/2022 15:10

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ldontWanna · 09/10/2022 15:14

Excusess · 09/10/2022 15:04

@AmayaGirl Sounds more like a freudian slip. No wonder she doesn't consider those children as part of her family...

Except OP never used half siblings. In all her post she says sibling/siblings. Except for this one where it sounds it's more about her being a step mother, him a step child rather than a step children.

I'm sure that if I left out the part about DSS being step, and instead said they were full siblings, fewer people would jump to the defence of a 10 year old going to assault a disabled 4 year old.

You're not as witty or insightful as you think you are.

saraclara · 09/10/2022 15:29

This has become a truly sickening thread. People are just making things up in order to be spiteful. It's also astonishingly ableist.

If you're still here, OP, I'd advise that you walk away from it. The best of luck with all the actions that you're taking, and I hope things can be resolved without too much pain.

TemporaryChange1 · 09/10/2022 15:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
TemporaryChange1 · 09/10/2022 15:40

saraclara · 09/10/2022 15:29

This has become a truly sickening thread. People are just making things up in order to be spiteful. It's also astonishingly ableist.

If you're still here, OP, I'd advise that you walk away from it. The best of luck with all the actions that you're taking, and I hope things can be resolved without too much pain.

Thank you 😊

I really appreciate your input on the thread. You and a dozen or so other posters have really helped.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 09/10/2022 15:53

It's funny, not once did the OP refer to her stepson as her son's step-brother or step-sibling. Not once. But plenty of other people kept calling them step-brothers and step-siblings. Mostly the people slating her. So maybe that is other people's Freudian slip/bias talking eh? 🤔

HeddaGarbeld · 09/10/2022 16:03

It was me who asked for confirmation that they are half-siblings.

@TemporaryChange1 I'm a stepmum and mother of an autistic boy. So what I say is on that basis. I have sympathy with you about your DSS being threatened by your DS but I also don't have sympathy with you on some of the things you believe.

I've read back through everything and I agree with what one PP said about being "step" clouding the issue and how people are so quick to explain away poor behaviour when a child is a step child as they've had it so hard, parents divorced so it's no wonder they lash out etc.

Sorry but this is you being childish. You got a lot of comments and instead you fixate on one poster? You also mentioned even before that the responses were step-parenting bias at its finest. You seem primed to expect an anti-SM response, wanting it even. By doing that you're 'othering' your DSS and DSD when they are your son's siblings.

As your son's siblings, your DSS will be more likely to cross boundaries and to hit your DS. than if they were step-siblings. It's not nice, but it's facts. It's a perverse form of closeness and family. I also absolutely believe that your DSS was partly protecting his sister as I've seen this in my own blended family. There is something instinctive in some boys to protect their sisters.

This is sensitive but I think it's important. You repeatedly refer to your DS as severely disabled and severely autistic but as the mother of an autistic child I must admit I was reading with surprise that your DS has never hit or thrown things at his siblings and parents. That sounds like he's not 'severely' autistic as that is a common behaviour of autistic children as they can't express their needs and react physically. My own son has done this and he's described by professionals as high functioning.

My point is with respect, you may need to think more realistically about your son. He might not be as disabled as you think, and that's a good thing. By thinking of him as severely autistic you are limiting him and perhaps may even use this as an excuse in the future.

Your DSS should not have gone to punch him. He did get severely told off by his father so that is something. But it needs to be made clear to him he can't do it again.

musingsinmidlife · 09/10/2022 16:11

There is probably a build up of frustration for the 10 year old beyond this one thrown toy. He hasn't had an easy life and he has no control over this life. It might be an idea to get him and his sister some psychological support as well. He clearly has frustration, maybe anger, maybe helplessness, maybe more brewing underneath. Especially given he is a sensitive child - this may be too much for him to handle right now on his own.

SleepWhenAmDead · 09/10/2022 16:15

Hi, I haven't read the full thread, but I'm the mum of two kids with ASD (one who was horribly "aggressive" at that age) and I looked after another who was a thrower.

I can tell you that, as an adult, it is not at all relaxing to have a small child throwing hard things like wooden blocks and toy cars at you/in your direction. They might hit you, they might not. It does feel like being under attack.

You also don't say what happened prior to your return home and whether DS had been throwing things or showing other behaviours that were difficult for the older children to cope with.

It's hard to see when you have a younger child but a ten year old is still very young. An adult should stop other children throwing things at him. I think you said that when he does this, you take him to his safe place. However, that's not what happened on this occasion. DS threw something at/in direction of his sister and he wasn't removed. He then threw something at/in direction of his brother. You say the adults were unable to help as your hands were full of shopping and DP had hot dishes. How long are the older children supposed to sit and let him throw things at them/in their direction. Adults managed to intervene quickly enough when the older boy took action himself.

As you say that your younger son is "extremely challenging" both adults need to ensure that all the children are safe and this includes not having things thrown at them/in their direction. You seem to think the issue is that he is four and the older boy is ten. What if your son is still continuing this behaviour aged 6...10...14...? You need a better plan to support all the children at home. It might be that at this time you can't leave all three with one adult. If you go shopping, some children will have to stay at home with DP and some have to go shopping with you, for example. If you know DS has difficulty with transition then you need to have a plan for how to help him regulate/keep him away from the older children when you come back in the house. This should be for the adults to put in place. It should not be left to the 10 year old to take action himself because the adults cannot be seen to be doing anything.

I appreciate it's not easy, I really do. However, it is the adults, not the 10 year old who are responsible here.

ThreeBrittany · 09/10/2022 16:15

You have articulated everything I've been thinking.

My eldest ds is 8 and was diagnosed Autistic at 5, developmentally delayed (by several years) and also has sensory processing disorder.

Pediatricians and professionals of which he's seen hundreds of times over the years, have never once classed or described him as severely disabled or even disabled for that matter and neither would I.

Neuro diverse / additional needs / special educational needs, yes, but not disabled.

ThreeBrittany · 09/10/2022 16:16

@HeddaGarbeld

HeddaGarbeld · 09/10/2022 16:17

Is it me you’re saying articulated what you wanted to @ThreeBrittany ?

HeddaGarbeld · 09/10/2022 16:17

😁Posted at the same time!

Original poster
TemporaryChange1 · 09/10/2022 16:20

HeddaGarbeld · 09/10/2022 16:03

It was me who asked for confirmation that they are half-siblings.

@TemporaryChange1 I'm a stepmum and mother of an autistic boy. So what I say is on that basis. I have sympathy with you about your DSS being threatened by your DS but I also don't have sympathy with you on some of the things you believe.

I've read back through everything and I agree with what one PP said about being "step" clouding the issue and how people are so quick to explain away poor behaviour when a child is a step child as they've had it so hard, parents divorced so it's no wonder they lash out etc.

Sorry but this is you being childish. You got a lot of comments and instead you fixate on one poster? You also mentioned even before that the responses were step-parenting bias at its finest. You seem primed to expect an anti-SM response, wanting it even. By doing that you're 'othering' your DSS and DSD when they are your son's siblings.

As your son's siblings, your DSS will be more likely to cross boundaries and to hit your DS. than if they were step-siblings. It's not nice, but it's facts. It's a perverse form of closeness and family. I also absolutely believe that your DSS was partly protecting his sister as I've seen this in my own blended family. There is something instinctive in some boys to protect their sisters.

This is sensitive but I think it's important. You repeatedly refer to your DS as severely disabled and severely autistic but as the mother of an autistic child I must admit I was reading with surprise that your DS has never hit or thrown things at his siblings and parents. That sounds like he's not 'severely' autistic as that is a common behaviour of autistic children as they can't express their needs and react physically. My own son has done this and he's described by professionals as high functioning.

My point is with respect, you may need to think more realistically about your son. He might not be as disabled as you think, and that's a good thing. By thinking of him as severely autistic you are limiting him and perhaps may even use this as an excuse in the future.

Your DSS should not have gone to punch him. He did get severely told off by his father so that is something. But it needs to be made clear to him he can't do it again.

I wasn't fixating on one poster, the ones being spiteful stood out. Those who shout the loudest and all of that.

With respect, the extent of DS' disability has been assessed by professionals and the conclusion is that he is severely autistic with LD's. He is doubly incontinent, can't communicate beyond a couple of words which are echolalia more than functional speech. He will need a high level of care his whole life. He's enrolled in a SEN school because no other school would be able to meet his needs. He receives the highest rate of DLA. He is very disabled.

I'm sure you realise that every autistic child is different.

DS hurts himself not other people.

OP posts: