DSS (10) went to thump DS (4 and disabled)

[TemporaryChange1]

My DS can be incredibly challenging and you would never hear me pretend otherwise but what happened this evening has really upset me. DS is severely autistic, has LD's and suspected ADHD. His level of understanding is more comparable to a very young toddler.

DSC are round today. I left all of them with OH (father to all of them) whilst I nipped to the shop. DS began having a meltdown when I got home as he struggles with transitions and gets upset when people come in and out as he automatically wants to go outside himself.

As I come in DS begins crying and throwing himself on the floor. He threw one of his car toys which landed near DSD but not at her. It landed about a metre away from where she was sitting. DSS (10) jumped up, grabbed DS by the jumper and raised his fist ready to thump him in the face.

OH shouted for him to stop right there and don't you dare punch him, so he didn't, but he certainly intended to.

When DSS (10) went back to sit down DS (4) then threw another toy which landed near him this time. OH made DS apologise for throwing the toy. No apology forthcoming from DSS for going to thump DS.

Admittedly, DS is my weakness. I'm incredibly protective of him as he's just so vulnerable so I want to know whether you think I'm being unreasonable so be absolutely furious about this.

I got DS shoes on and took him out the house to the greenery down the road where we're now sitting.

DS is routinely supervised, the ball was dropped yesterday granted.

When it's OH who is due to come home I tend to stick close to DS, remove his tablet etc when I see OH coming up the path so he doesn't throw it when he starts getting stressed. OH was preoccupied and didn't think so. These things happen.

DSS doesn't have to worry about DS and his inconvenient meltdowns as I'll be keeping them apart for the foreseeable and taking DS out of the house.

There were a dozen or so toy cars strewn across the carpet..

@TemporaryChange1

I grew up with my three cousins, because my siblings were very much older than me.
My cousins, though, fought physically all the time. They were violent. It was quite normal for them to have huge fights, punching and biting and kicking.
One evening when I was spending the night, my girl-cousin and I were in the den when her two younger brothers arrived and immediately started a dust-up. They kicked, punched, socked - while I sat there in shock. Then, one brother shoved his sister as hard as he could, and she fell back into a glass coffee table.
She was cut severely and had to be taken to the E.R. In all, she had over 35 stitches to her arm and leg.
As grownups, they get along beautifully, but I remember those fighting days.
And fifty years later, their mother has re-written history about how her daughter “fell into” the glass coffee table. Bullshit. I watched her brother shove her.
My point is, they’re grownups now and their childhoods are long ago. They’re very close and would do anything for one another and their love for each other is strong. I wish this for your own child and step-children and for you.

Are they actually half-brothers? You refer to them as step-brothers so I’m unclear.

There were a dozen or so toy cars strewn across the carpet..

Very unwise given your DSs unpredictable behaviour. After the first throwing incident all the cars should have been removed. He could have caused serious injury to one of his siblings, albeit unintentionally.

I've also never heard a 4 year old referred to as an infant. He's not even a toddler.

While of course there will always be posters who say their kids have never squabbles or touched each other. The vast majority of siblings do squabble and fight with each other. They get irritated and frustrated and they grab each other or push or poke or hit.

A ten year old getting frustrated and grabbing a sibling by the jumper after having toys thrown happens in millions of homes every day.

It is hard for kids to have a sibling with a disability as 100%. The other kids are the ones expected to always have restraint, never show frustration and to alway defer and cater to the ‘vulnerable’ child.

The language you are using shows you clearly have some seething underlying distaste for your DSS. Throwing things is also aggressive and could be seen as assault but you aren’t using those words for your child. Your lack of understanding of child development and your need to defend / protect your son is skewing your view to seeing your DSS as a potentially criminal rather than as a normal frustrated 10 year old.

given your husband’s reaction, there is a lot of resentment building up about a lot more than this one incident. Sounds like some couples and family therapy might be useful.

Ah the old drama triangle.

Your son isn't an infant. He's four and old enough to be in school.

Yes, he's also severely disabled but you're not doing anyone any favours by using language that implies he's only a baby.

He's not a baby anymore.

Did you miss the part about him being developmentally a toddler? Because that does make him a toddler, regardless of the fact that he is actually 4.

Your 10 year old dss acted how the majority of children I know his age would behave

You know multiple 10 year olds who would pull a disabled four year old up by the collar and go to punch their face? Seriously?

I know ten year olds who would push or shove, but punch in the face? And it's all very well saying that he was stopped in time to stop the punch landing, but what if the dad hadn't seen it in time?

OP I think you need to dig deeper into your relationship if I’m being honest, because I’m suspecting emotional abuse.

@WhatsAVideo - but he's still a four year old child. His age doesn't change just because he has disabilities.

He may have the developmental age of a toddler but that doesn't mean he is a toddler.

This is very nicely put. OP you don’t seem to have any intention on hearing anybody who is saying your DSS is anything but a monster in the making.

There is a sense of ‘DSS has life easy because he isn’t disabled’ and possibly a bit of resentment of that? It sounds like everyone involved is totally wrung out generally.

There were a dozen or so toy cars strewn across the carpet..

So dss and dsd have maybe had more than a dozen metal toy cars thrown at/around them in the time leading up to the incident?
Again agree absolutely unacceptable dss grabbing him, but as pp have said you appear intent with seeing his behaviour as malicious, aggressive and as a criminal in the making towards your 'tiny baby'
It absolutely cannot be a positive environment for any of the children as l can imagine there's a significant atmosphere.
Is there a young carers group locally for the children that may be a way to get help for everyone?

Yes both parents were there both had there hands full at that instant

To be fair he probably seems less tiny to a 10 year old who are pretty small themselves.

I'm going to go against the grain here.

A 10 yo, grabbing a 4 yo and wanting to punch him is not acceptable regardless of the situation. It's definitely not normal or expected.

10 yos can and do understand about disabilities and autism.

10 yos do know what's right and wrong and have some self control.

That doesn't make your DSS a monster. It means some talk should be had around anger and coping mechanisms. His feelings. Why does he feel he has to protect his sister? And work on any issues that might arise from those chats. However clear boundaries must be vocalised. He is not to hit his much younger brother. Definitely make sure they have some alone weekends for everyone's sake. No point in pretending to play happy families when everyone gets hurt (physically or emotionally) in the process. He did fuck up , but it's worth exploring why and how it got to that point.

DSD's feelings should also be explored. Did she need/want protection. Does she feel unable to express her fear /worry at your house and it all comes out at home ,which fuels her brother's feelings? She counts too .

With DS keep doing what you are doing. Supervision,distraction, trying to avoid triggers etc. it's exhausting and never ending and it will go wrong at times because that's how it is. How is he feeling now? Can he express that? How did the incident affect him? How does he see his brother now?

Your husband... it's likely he's angry at himself for dropping the ball,at what his son did etc. and since he doesn't like that he's turning it all on you. Which is not fair or constructive and ruining relationships all around. Talk to him when he is calmer,agree to a way forward,how to deal with incidents like these, what plans you can put in place to avoid them etc. If he's not willing to take anything on board, or expect this to happen again, with you always being his emotional punching bag when he doesn't want to deal with his feelings. Think very carefully about that.

As for you, you will have to develop a REALLY thick skin. Both as a step mother and the mother of a disabled child,your place will always be in the wrong and will face a lot of judgement,stupid comments,prejudice,people twisting facts to suit their narrative and magic solutions that are easy to come up with when you're not in the moment. Don't take it personally, pick anything that seems sensible /reasonable/feasible and ignore the rest.

Are they? Not particularly in my experience, 10 year old's vary a lot and some are pretty large and strong.

I can imagine a 10 year old thinking it was acceptable to hit a child of maybe 6 upwards, but 4 is way too much of a power imbalance.

I think the step issue is intrinsic to DSS's behaviour, actually. In his short life he's seen his parents split up, his father find a new partner, and a step sibling be born who takes everyone's time and focus and can (in his eyes) do what he wants with no consequences, because he's got extra needs. That must be very very difficult for a young child to process and I don't blame him for being frustrated.

But a 10yo likely won't see it as a power-imbalance in the same way an adult would. The 10yo saw their 4yo sibling getting away with chucking metal toy cars at them, got pissed off and reacted in the heat of the moment.

Ideal? No. Appropriate? Of course not. But he's 10. He's not an adult with the ability to rationalise and act maturely all the time.

The adults shouldn't have allowed the 4yo to throw a car a second time - someone should have intervened and removed the 4yo from the room, but as both adults were busy, this didn't happen and that's the problem here.

As for you, you will have to develop a REALLY thick skin. Both as a step mother and the mother of a disabled child,your place will always be in the wrong and will face a lot of judgement,stupid comments,prejudice,people twisting facts to suit their narrative and magic solutions that are easy to come up with when you're not in the moment. Don't take it personally, pick anything that seems sensible /reasonable/feasible and ignore the rest

Thank you, you have echoed my thoughts this morning as I reflect over the thread. As the parent of an Autistic child I'm used to the stares and the tutting and the people thinking the behaviour is down to poor parenting. Prior to the past couple of days I thought that there was a general solidarity among other SN parents and we would be the last to tear another SN parent down. I'm really disappointed to have been bashed by other SN parents about how I failed by not doing X Y Z when the general consensus is that we are doing the very best we can.

That must be very very difficult for a young child to process and I don't blame him for being frustrated.

I don't blame him for being frustrated. I was blaming him for how he responded to DS.

So dss and dsd have maybe had more than a dozen metal toy cars thrown at/around them in the time leading up to the incident

No.

@mountainsunsets DS threw one toy, that landed near DSD. He only threw the second one AFTER his step brother grabbed him by his jumper and nearly punched him. He was made to apologise, as a 4 yo with autism,after a meltdown. His 10 yo brother wasn't. Even if they were the same age and no neurodiversity, it's still double standards.

Exactly this. Thank you for summarising so concisely. They're choosing not to listen to me when I say it.

I missed that, apologies.

But even so, after the first car was thrown, someone should have intervened. If a metal toy car hit someone in the eye, it could do permanent damage. Either someone needs to be there supervising all the time, or the 4yo needs not to have access to metal cars - soft toys only to minimise the risk of injury.

I agree the 10yo should have been made to apologise too, by the way.

OH said something quite telling to me when we were having that argument.

In the midst of his rant about how DSS would never go around beating up other children I pointed out that's exactly what he went to do to DS therefore he shouldn't be so confident that he wouldn't do the same in school.

He replied "well DSS wouldn't do it to a child in school because they'd be the same size as him"

There we go then.