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Original poster

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
CourtneeLuv · 07/10/2022 07:08

I'd tell her to grow up. And I wouldn't be removing any photos.

namechangedembarrassing · 07/10/2022 07:11

Omfg please don’t hide the photos!!
I grew up with a picture of my mums first fiancé on our wall. He had died suddenly in their twenties. I remember my dad telling me he was a friend of mums who she loved very much and we always loved looking at the photo and dad was always lovely about it and engaging.
I know it’s not the same but I do think my dads attitude about it was healthy and even more so if this is the mother of children I think it’s so important her photos are up mixed in with your blended family.

namechangedembarrassing · 07/10/2022 07:15

I also do not understand her discomfort? Would someone really be that insecure? Surely she can see how important it would be for the children? That would concern me more that they would be willing to even think about taking pictures of the childrens mother down

BarrelOfOtters · 07/10/2022 07:15

Families often have complicated histories. The stories of ex wives, deceased spouses, parents, children….they all have their place. If you like having photos up. That’s normal. Keep them. Gradually add more, change and add different ones. But they are all relevant.

Brealinr · 07/10/2022 07:20

Newusernameaug · 06/10/2022 22:09

A new partner not wanting photos of the deceased parent would be a huge red flag for me sorry. It’s so important for your children that their dm is still acknowledged and remembered

Ditto

Blueblell · 07/10/2022 07:20

I think you should definitely keep the photos of your children and their mother out on display. I could understand how photos with you both as a couple may make your partner feel insecure. It sounds like you are doing the right thing by having pictures of you current blended family up too. As someone else said maybe the more sensitive pictures could be in the childrens rooms.

Idyllicidealist · 07/10/2022 07:25

God, imagine being an adult putting your own insecurities in front of a child's emotional wellbeing.
Your new partner needs to learn to accept that you had a wife that you loved and she gave birth to your dc. What if one of your dc looks like their mum, are you supposed to hide that fact as well?

MrsMitford3 · 07/10/2022 07:26

I was widowed age 29.

I agree with PP who said you need someone with enough security and emotional intelligence to see why you'd have these pictures up.

A few years after my husband died I was on a date with my now husband. Something triggered me and I started to cry-even then as I was crying thinking I was sabotaging any chance with this lovely man-
he said "It's fine-I understand. I love you and this is part of you and who you are"
That's the kind of partner you next need-especially with children involved.

Dammitthisisshit · 07/10/2022 07:27

I have stage 4 cancer and don’t know what the future holds. But I have to accept that within a year or two the chances are I will no longer be part of my childrens or husbands lives. It pains me hugely. But my fight is a long way from over yet.

If the worst happens I would love to think that my husband will find a way to find happiness again, and I think for him that means a new relationship. I’d love to think that my children could have another mother figure in their life, someone who cared for them and maybe who one day they even trusted enough to call mum. But at no point in this image am I removed. I believe I will remain a very important part of their early lives and that should be acknowledged, not covered up.

slo · 07/10/2022 07:27

All actions have consequences. My mother died and my father has a new partner. I'm happy for him. But realistically, if my father had removed the photos of my mother from our family home I would have removed him from our family life. You make your bed.

AgentJohnson · 07/10/2022 07:27

After 8 years the pictures should only be within children's rooms or photo albums etc. All over the house is abit excessive regardless of the progressing relationship. How are the children supposed to move on if you have constant reminders everywhere and haven't transitioned them to move on slowly.

WTAF! I have seen some batshit on MN but the winner goes to this.

OP this should have really been thrashed out long ago. Your current partner’s discomfort doesn’t trump the emotional well being of your children. Your late wife existed and her children should still be able to see her in their home, not confined to photo albums and their bedrooms.

A very good friend was horrified when her partner removed all photos of his children’s late mother when she moved in. She sat him down and told him that it wasn’t ok and why it was important that for the pictures to stay up. My friend loves a gallery wall and together with the children and their late mother’s parents, she made a gallery wall which included photos of the children’s mother. The children (now late teens) credit my friend for ensuring that their mother was still an important part of their present.

WahineToa · 07/10/2022 07:31

From personal experience, you absolutely should keep up any photos you and your children want. Their mother will always be part of your family and that should be reflected in their home. The new wife not being comfortable with that does raise alarm for me, a photo shouldn’t make her uncomfortable. In my experience, it just gets worse and the discomfort with memories of the first mother and wife get worse too and the requests and demands increase.

ThirtyThreeTrees · 07/10/2022 07:33

A partner who cannot accept that this woman was a huge part of your children's lives and wants to erase all trace of her in their home, is selfish, jealous and emotionally immature.

Your children are priority. They are grieving. Her photos will mean a lot to them. Don't erase her presence in your house. It will damage your relationship with them. Most adult women will understand this. She sounds good and devoid of empathy.

WahineToa · 07/10/2022 07:33

How are the children supposed to move on

You don’t ‘move on’ from the person who brought you into the world. Ever. You move on with life, but their mother will always be part of it, just not physically anymore. Photos and memories are positives and remind them of the person who loved them the most. Taking that away would do the opposite of helping them grieve.

Lovemusic33 · 07/10/2022 07:34

Your children come first and they need to have photos of their mother around, your partner should understand this. She knew you were a widow when she got with you? Your partner is being unreasonable expecting you to remove them.

TwoWrightFeet · 07/10/2022 07:35

The photos of your children's deceased mother must stay. I’d be conserved about letting someone in their life that wants to erase her form their home.

wishing3 · 07/10/2022 07:36

Instinctively I think that your partner is being unreasonable but when I think about it more I think it depends on how many photos there are. I hope you can resolve this.

WahineToa · 07/10/2022 07:36

@AgentJohnson your friends response was emotionally mature and exactly what should happen. I’ve had experience with this kind of thing and my DH wasn’t even allowed photos of his beautiful mother who passed when he was young, in our own house when we got married! The SM wouldn’t come to our house with photos of his mum in it!!! I told her to stay away then!

BatteryPoweredMammy · 07/10/2022 07:36

My DH’s previous partner died leaving two young children. I met him a few years later. Initially, it did feel a bit like competing with a dead saint, but that was my issue to deal with, not theirs. With divorce, there’s an actual separation but when a parent dies, they remain an important part of the family forever.

We’ve been together over 20 years now and I have a very good relationship with the children and now grandchildren.

I think you have to make it clear to your new partner that the children’s mum will still be mentioned even when they’ve left home because they’ll be other milestone events to celebrate. She’s just going to have to get used to the silent partner, I’m afraid. No other choice.

Bpdqueen · 07/10/2022 07:39

Your new partner is wrong and all that will happen is your kids will end up hating her

Vinylloving · 07/10/2022 07:45

Absolutely unacceptable of your new partner, I can't comprehend any decent person suggesting this- it honestly would be the end for me

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/10/2022 07:45

It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

Sorry OP but this shouldn’t be tricky at all. Your children are your absolute priority and if your partner can’t accept that then you absolutely must not blend families with them.

lannistunut · 07/10/2022 07:48

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/10/2022 07:45

It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

Sorry OP but this shouldn’t be tricky at all. Your children are your absolute priority and if your partner can’t accept that then you absolutely must not blend families with them.

I agree.

This topic is covered in Nanny McPhee I think!

Alondra · 07/10/2022 07:54

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

It's tricky to navigate the diverse emotions of everyone in this situation.

My only advice is to talk to her. She needs to understand that your dead wife is not a threat. She is long gone but still a part of your children's' life, which is important to your kids.

You also need to reassure her that having those pictures around is not keeping you emotionally connected to the past. You are in love with her, you have moved on, but embracing who she was to your children, and you, it's part of life. It'll be awful for your children to think that your new partner has deleted their mother from a few pictures in their house.

If she can't understand it, I would question whether she's the right person for you and your kids, much as you may love her.

UnicornMumcraft · 07/10/2022 08:02

Please keep the photos up. My Dad died when I was young. My mum remarried and my step dad wouldn’t have anything to do with my dad around the house, got grumpy if we talked about him etc. It’s not a healthy place to be for a child.