Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

[Anonintheuk]

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

I’ll never understand why people get into a relationship knowing the situation and that their partner had a life before them but then act hurt over things like this.

It doesn’t matter if your ex is dead or not.
You we’re married and share children together.
Of course you are going to have photos around.

I don’t see how that impacts the new gf at all.

@Anonintheuk My Mum
died when I was a young child and Dad had lots of pics of mum in boxes.
Dad soon got together with a new woman ( a year later) and Mum was never spoken of - much to my sadness.
A deceased wife should be honoured.

Family pics with your Wife and children in the children’s rooms surely shouldn’t be an issue for even the most insecure new partner?
So sorry for the loss of your Wife and the children’s loss will be very painful, obviously.

All the children have now of their mother are the photos of her. They should be allowed to see them when and wherever they wish to do so.

I know someone whose mum died when she was little. Her dad remarried and the new wife felt this way. The pictures of the first wife went into the attic and the person I know was an adult before she saw them again. Hugely selfish of the new wife. Kids come before new partners in every way so do what's best for them.

A new partner who is threatened by a dead person and their photos needs to have a word with themselves.

Photos bring me a lot of comfort and my house is filled with them. Like hell would anyone be telling me which photos I could have on display especially of someone that had passed away.

A deceased partner can never be replaced.

Ooh that’s tricky and I feel for all involved. I think you’re definitely right to keep up any group photos, after all she is still a part of your lives. However, pics of her on her own are a bit different and the kids should probably have them in their room now.

www.thesun.co.uk/tvandshowbiz/10930821/rio-kate-ferdinand-shrine-rebecca-ellison-pictures-home/amp/

This is a beautiful compromise

Completely agree.

Okay, it might not be easy - but I bet it's a damn sight easier than losing your mother at a young age. This is what she signed up for when she got into a relationship with a widow - she needs to deal with it or leave.

Keep the photos, your children lost their mother. They are the most important people here and if your new partner is so insecure she feels threatened by the photo's then she isn't the right person to be around your kids.

You don't move on from losing your mum. She's always your mum, dead or alive.

If it is a lone picture of the deceased and children on say a wall it is weird. However if the photos are displayed in collections of family photos or are in photo albums then it's absolutely fine.

Family photo collections/albums are always going to contain photos of deceased family members and friends.

You don't really want random visitors to your home looking at the photos and asking who the people are then having to explain the young person, whether child or adult, in them is dead.

I say this as someone who knows children with a deceased parent, and their other parent carried on living.

Oh and one child will always have features that match the dead parent (or aunt/uncle/grandparent)

If it still bothers your new partner and you feel compelled.. I know some people in other cultures create a little cabinet shrine of past loved ones that is usually tucked away in a corner of their home. It sometimes even has its own room. Lots of pictures of them and usually an offering of incense or even their favourite snacks/food. If that isn't your thing you could put something else that is meaningful to your family whether it be religious, personal or otherwise. You could take the pictures down and put up the mini shrine instead. That away your partner doesn't have to feel constantly haunted by your late partner but your kids won't feel they are replaced. They are still being honoured. There is just a designated place in the home for the family to visit her memory, talk to her and remember her face.

This also works great for when birthdays, wedding anniversaries and anniversaries of her passing come up you can light candles, visit and give offerings or prayers. Whatever works for your situation.

She is being unreasonable. Suggests a lack of empathy which is concerning.

@marblemad if they are in a collection of family photos on display in say the dining room no-one will bat an eyelid.

Or do you remove pictures of a beloved grandparent from such a collection because they are dead as well?

You cannot rub out your childrens mother just because of a girlfriend. She'll need to understand and stop being a snowflake. The childrens' mother is still extremely important family member whether deceased or not
Sorry for your loss too that's hard to deal with in itself - but your new girlfriend is being selfish and ridiculous

This

I would be really concerned about a relationship with someone selfish enough to want to take down photos of your children’s deceased mum. Your kids deserve to have those photos up and to talk freely about their mum without worrying about upsetting anyone.

Please put your children first, they need you to advocate for them.

It’s your children’s home, of course they should be able to have photos of their mother displayed. Massive red flag to me that your new partner doesn’t understand that. Put them first.

Your new partner sounds unreasonable, selfish and controlling. I wouldn't take the pictures down for the sake of your children.

This. You are right to question this. This isnt you. This is your new partner being unreasonable.

I think your partner is unreasonable. I understand why it makes her feel a bit uncomfortable but your children lost their mother! She is their mum and she is and should always be important and her photograph should always be there to honour that.

Photos need to stay up for your children but also more importantly your GF needs to get out of a competition mindset. Your wife dying is any appalling tragedy and your children need every support to move forward including feeling like their mum isn’t forgotten. A grown woman shouldn’t be having teenage strops about this.

My friend is widowed with youngish kids. Her new partner understands their grief, and hers. They have photos up around the house, they talk about him openly. They celebrate their father's birthday. But also build their new family life together. It's hard, not every new partner could do it, but it is so important to the children.

I think it is rather pathetic of her. If you still have children living with you then the pictures are here for them and should stay.

You should not need to hide and erase the memory of your wife because this woman is feeling insecure.

I would actually get rid of a new partner over this. It is thoughtless and she is not thinking about your kids would should come first.