Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

[Anonintheuk]

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

Given your family dynamic, there should have been very detailed conversations about this pretty early on. Maybe take this opportunity to talk it through with a professional but your late wife will always be their mother and it would be a terrible shame if they feel they can’t talk about or express their love for her without fear of stepping on the toes of an adult who knew the score.

Exactly, the OP and kids came as a package with the deceased wife. If someone tries to change the goal posts that’s not on.

I am also with @Newusernameaug , @NoNameChangeRequired and @Honeyroar
It's a red flag. She is erasing your children's late mother for her own comfort. Not on.

Only just started reading the thread but 100% agree with Newusernameaug.

Keep the photos up.

I wonder how any of us would feel if we died and then years later somebody new to the family essentially tried to erase our memory from the family? New wife is not more important than deceased wife. If I was the deceased wife/mother I know wouldn't know about it, but theoretically if somebody new to the family came along and tried erase my existence from the home of my husband and children I'd be apoplectic with rage, betrayal, hurt, the works. She didn't choose not to be there, she died, it's wrong to behave as if her image is in some way offensive and to be erased, poor woman. You don't stop mattering because you're dead.

Definitely keep the photos up. I can not imagine why anyone wouldn’t want to leave them up to be honest! You need to be there for your children and be firm with this, they are and should always be your priority.

I'm widowed too, if I ever met a new partner, they would have to accept my past life, it made me who I am. Good luck.

I agree. If it were an ex-wife who were still alive it might be a bit more understandable that the new partner felt uncomfortable. But the children's deceased Mum?

OP, I think you need to be very firm about this. Your deceased wife is no threat to your new partner and if she is so insecure she can't cope, you might need to re-think the relationship.

I encouraged my boyfriend to have some paintings his deceased long-term partner had painted framed, so he could put them on his wall as a reminder,. No children involved but still a significant part of his life, so why not?

If there were children involved this would be even more vital. I would boot any "partner" out ASAP if they tried to make their wants more important than my kids. Just a shame more people don't.

They're being totally unreasonable @Anonintheuk

Judging by the hostility toward the partner expressed on here (whilst accusing her of a lack of empathy) I can only assume many posters are projecting themselves into the role of the dead and the new partner as some kind of OW/evil stepmother
How fucking ridiculous. It's almost as though you've completely ignored the many personal and heartfelt posts by people that have actually been affected by someone doing this 🙄
I can only assume you are projecting yourself into the role of someone who could never accept that someone else came before her 🤷‍♀️

No woman wants to live in your dead wife's shadow.

what a ridiculous comment. Pretending someone doesn’t exist isn’t healthy. You’re not living in someone’s shadow because their family has photos of them. Grow up

Nonsense.

The OP should not lower his standards because some immature people can’t stand people having a past.

His children should come first.

Selective quoting.

That poster agreed with me about that it depends on what and where the photos are.

The OP said the photos are around the house but didn't make it clear whether they were in groups with other family photos or a large solo photo on say his bedroom wall. (Or a combination of both.)

DH still has a few friends from a widowed young support group he joined when his first wife died.

Over the years several of them have had this issue and I can say that every single time I was just the start.

Too many photos. Too many mentions. Why do you have to go to the cemetery? Why can we not do something I want on that day just because it’s an anniversary? Etc etc.

Being the partner of a widowed person can be tough. It’s not the same as someone whose relationship ended because their ex was a dick, or cheated or because they fell out of love. It’s very very different. Especially so when their are children who will always grieve the loss of their parent, and that can bring different challenges sometimes.

Its not for everyone, but the key is someone has to be mature enough to be understanding of the situation and accepting of the fact that the late spouse is part of people’s lives and shouldn’t be erased.

Too many photos. Too many mentions. Why do you have to go to the cemetery? Why can we not do something I want on that day just because it’s an anniversary? Etc etc.

yes exactly, this is what happened in my DH’s family. He couldn’t even refer to her as ‘mum’ anymore and his father wasn’t to take them to her grave or refer to her as their mother either. ( The second wife insisted she be called Mum). I got into a lot of trouble for referring to her as DHs Mum once. If other family mentioned her, they were told to be quiet. So everyone stopped talking about her and my DH forgot all his few memories he had of her and their love. It’s very very sad and causes him a lot of distress. In the end he went no contact with his Dad because of all of it.

if you can’t handle someone with a past like this, you shouldn’t be with them.

Have you watched the Rio and Kate Ferdinand documentary? Might be worth a watch as they have been through the same thing. I think she is being unreasonable to ask you to take them all down, but could have one area of the house with photos of her, for your childrens sake.

This. Unless you are the partner of a widower these cruel posters have absolutely no idea how it feels!! This partner is probably trying to strike a balance by respecting the late wife’s memory for the children but also not creating a shrine. I am really taken aback by the nastiness. I speak from experience !!!

also not creating a shrine

Having photos isn’t a shrine, but in some cultures having ‘shrines’ of deceased family is quite normal. My fiends father died when she was young, she’s from Malaysia, she has a larger photo with smaller ones around it and a candle she lights every night.

Completely depends on the number and type of the pictures.

Obviously completely getting rid of all traces of kids mother would be unreasonable.

But if its one of those houses with hundreds of photos everywhere, or you have one of those huge canvas style family portraits with all of you in the main living room or hallway then yeah sorry, I probably wouldn't like my partners ex being the focal point of my house.

If there are any just of her or of just you and her, particularly wedding ones I'd definitely take those down and just keep ones of her and the kids.

maybe explain it to the kids as a normal process of updating rooms - particulalry if you can fit it in naturally as part of redecorating e.g to repaint a room you'd have to take down all the photos so it's not such a big deal.

Explain its not that you want to get rid of photos of their mum, but the photos (of all of you) are old now we want some new ones of you the ages you are now. Keep a few fairly small ones with your ex around in various places and of course they can have as many as they want in their old rooms.

I feel your pain. My dad wouldn’t even let me talk about my mum. Erased her completely. His new relationship started just 8 weeks after my mums funeral. By 4 months after she’d died there was no trace of her

then he capped it all by rejecting me and going non communicating- becuase of? I don’t know. My dbs say it’s becuase I’m too like my mum.

that was 20 years ago. Still hurts. Crushed me emotionally.

I actually think one space where there is a collection of pictures of the deceased wife is fine. Maybe on a landing where kids pass regularly.

any child, no matter how old, needs to know they can remember their monther, talk freely about her, etc

if you, as new partner, can’t handle pictures being there for the kids of that relationship then you shouldn’t be in that relationship. For gods sake what sort of threat is it to see pictures, videos, or belongings or talk about those kids mother.

@BuildersTeaMaker I’m sorry, I really feel for you. Almost identical thing happened to DH, damaged his relationship with his father forever.

Damn. That is fucked up. I'm really sorry you went through that. 😢