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Original poster

Photos of the children's deceased mother in new relationship.

319 replies

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

OP posts:
Yogagrandmum · 07/10/2022 08:03

Pathetic behaviour from the partner.

ThanksItHasPockets · 07/10/2022 08:03

lannistunut · 07/10/2022 07:48

I agree.

This topic is covered in Nanny McPhee I think!

Show quote history

And The Sound of Music Grin

EstellaRijnveld · 07/10/2022 08:07

Get rid of the woman, she’s not right for you or your children. What a callous bitch expecting pictures of your late wife to be removed yet her kids have her picture up everywhere. No empathy or compassion towards children who have lost their mum & she’s a mother herself. Get rid of her because the demands will only get worse if you concede now.

ShoeTheDoor · 07/10/2022 08:09

My FIL has photos of my MIL up in his house, lots of them. She sadly died 8 years ago and he has dated since both widowed and non-widowed women. All his children are grown up, mid-late 40s and of course the photos of my MIL are still massively in evidence.

I would find it cruel to remove photos of the children's Mother. As someone said upthread you don't come into a relationship and demand the photos are removed or even just moved to the children's bedrooms. No. There are plenty of other women out there who would never ask this of you.

Spookypants25 · 07/10/2022 08:16

She's still their mother not your new partner, your children will find comfort having photos and any other reminder you have of her around. My husband's wife passed away and left him with a child and I'd never dream of asking him to put away her photos, we have a few here and there around the house along with loads others of our family as we're photo people,it's memories, and one on my step daughters nightstand, she was here first, she is my step daughters mother not me, I'm just here whenever she needs me and it works fine for us..she's being unkind,your children will be upset if you put the photos away, she needs to find something more important to worry about. Hope it works out.

madasawethen · 07/10/2022 08:17

You haven't given enough information.

Exactly how many photos and in which rooms?

NotJustAnybody · 07/10/2022 08:18

What stood out for me is that you said 'I really want to settle...' However, you know that removing the photo's will be damaging to your kids.
Have you discussed any sort of compromise with your new partner? Do you know if there is any particular photo she's bothered about or it's location? If it's a general dislike, then she's not going to be the woman for you. It's just 'pictures' now, it could turn into her trying to erase items your late wife purchased, places you once visited - you get the idea.

On the other hand. I'm not one for loads of pictures being displayed. I sometimes 'eyeroll' at people who have loads up on the wall, every surface. I only had 2 wedding photo's, a couple of baby photo's and my DC's school photo (replaced every year). Of course, it's personal preference. How many do you have spread around the house OP?

NunAyaBizniz · 07/10/2022 08:19

Late to the thread and haven’t read it all, but I cannot believe your partner is being so immature and self centred.L and making this about her feelings. Grow up, woman!

Tillsforthrills · 07/10/2022 08:21

Anonintheuk · 06/10/2022 22:01

I lost my wife 8 years ago and have three kids. My new partner thinks I am being unreasonable by having photos of the children's mother around the house, despite me putting pics of her and her kids up too as our families blend together.

I completely understand her discomfort being around photos of my late wife but worry about my children if we take them down, even one by one as they never miss a trick. After all, this is their home but I will add that this is a new home that we moved to after their mother died.

This issue has come up with other potential partners too but I really want to settle now as I love my new partner dearly. It’s such a tricky one balancing between the children's emotions and upsetting a new partner. Any advice much appreciated.

YANBU she needs to sort out her insecurity ASAP.

She can’t erase all signs of your children’s mother and should welcome it for their comfort and well-being.

This is a red flag for future problems.

BuffyFanForever · 07/10/2022 08:27

Your children 100% deserve to have pictures of their mother around their home. Should any potential partner have a problem with that then that would be a line for me. The photos are there to remind them, for them to remember and she is their MUM. How absolutely appalling that someone would have a problem with that. You should be rethinking this relationship or at the very least having a serious conversation with your partner. Your children and their memories are far more important at this stage especially at their young ages!

bozzabollix · 07/10/2022 08:35

Oh god I feel so sad for your kids. This woman is being incredibly selfish, their grief supersedes her ridiculous feelings of insecurity. How old is she? 16?

We’re all adults and we all have pasts, yours happens to have had a great tragedy which she needs to be sensitive about. It’s one thing to be bereaved, but another on top to have your mother airbrushed from your life to suit someone who’s threatened by someone who’s passed away.

I’d think long and hard about how empathetic this woman is and whether she should be in your kids lives, they come first, not her.

dingbat56 · 07/10/2022 08:38

The photos need to stay for your children sake - however if they are literally in every room and your new partner feels like your late wife’s eyes are following her wherever she goes and she can’t live up to the comparison I can understand that might make her uncomfortable. I think you need to talk about it and acknowledge her feelings .. if you can’t talk then you are pretty much doomed anyway !

caringcarer · 07/10/2022 08:43

I think it is pretty pathetic your partner is insecure/jealous of your dead wife. A huge red flag

sqirrelfriends · 07/10/2022 08:57

Massive red flag IMO. You didn’t divorce so the relationship presumably didn’t end on bad terms.

GF should think about how she would like her memory to be honoured if she were to die.

skyeisthelimit · 07/10/2022 08:59

I think if anyone gets involved with a widow/widower then they need to accept that the deceased person will always have a place in their heart and their life. It is very different to divorce, the love didn't leave by choice, it was taken away.

The deceased person is no threat and needs to be remembered in the family in a healthy way, so memories and things should still be allowed for the children's sake.

I can understand the new partner's POV also, as it must be hard to live surround by photos of a previous partner, but they do need to accept that your late wife will always be a part of the childrens lives and she can not just remove her.

Depending on how many photos there are around the house, then some sort of compromise could be reached and the photo wall is a great idea, , so lots of family photos all together so that their mother is intermingled, old and new photos including grandparents, pets etc. That way the photos wouldn't stand out but would still be there. All family members should be included in creating the wall and selecting the photos.

C8H10N4O2 · 07/10/2022 09:05

RedWingBoots · 07/10/2022 06:31

If it is a lone picture of the deceased and children on say a wall it is weird. However if the photos are displayed in collections of family photos or are in photo albums then it's absolutely fine.

Family photo collections/albums are always going to contain photos of deceased family members and friends.

You don't really want random visitors to your home looking at the photos and asking who the people are then having to explain the young person, whether child or adult, in them is dead.

I say this as someone who knows children with a deceased parent, and their other parent carried on living.

Oh and one child will always have features that match the dead parent (or aunt/uncle/grandparent)

Yes I agree with this. Collections fine in shared areas, solo pictures pictures in the childrens' rooms if they wish.

@Sarasandman comments upthread about the third presence is also real and valid and it takes adjustment, time and a bit of compromise on both sides.

Judging by the hostility toward the partner expressed on here (whilst accusing her of a lack of empathy) I can only assume many posters are projecting themselves into the role of the dead and the new partner as some kind of OW/evil stepmother.

Iliveonahill · 07/10/2022 09:13

A deceased wife/husband is very different to a divorced/separated partner. Photos of the children’s mother and your deceased wife are absolutely normal. It’s your history and your children’s mother. So sad this is even having to be questioned.

NCHammer2022 · 07/10/2022 09:18

I don’t think photos should be relegated to kids rooms. A death is different to divorce. If a partner is insecure about you dead former wife, the onus is on you to make them feel sufficiently secure in the relationship that they don’t feel they’re being compared. And if that’s not possible despite your best efforts, this person shouldn’t be in a relationship with a widower.

shelllouise · 07/10/2022 09:19

My husband was married to his first wife for 18 years before she died. They had 8 children together but only the youngest 2 were still at home and in secondary school when we met (it was a new home to them in England as they'd all lived in Northern Ireland when she was alive).
When I moved in I put photos of both our families up in the living room including photos of her with the children and photos of her on her own. It was important to me to let the children and my husband know that they never had to worry about talking about her if they needed to and the photos were a comfort to them.
I didn't feel threatened at all, I was totally comfortable in our relationship.
The children have left home now but there's still one photo of her up (we didn't just remove the others of her, we moved house and decided to put fewer photos up in this house) because she's part of our family.

mam0918 · 07/10/2022 09:24

Jealousy of a dead person is wierd... I mean does she think shes going to spring back to life and steal you back?

Like I can think of a LESS threatening senario than when the ex has passed away.

But then I dont undersant people who think you can irradicate the past by not having reminders, It the same way people chastiesed me for getting a tattoo of my DH name, they're like 'what if you break up'... like 'yeah, what if? will he suddenly stop being the father of my children and the person I spent HALF my life with?'.

Litrally he is so ingrained in every experiance I have had of adult life that to pretend he didn't exist I would have to revert to being 17 year old again, its not even about him it the a chapter (well many) in MY life and Im not going to pretend my life didnt exist before someone entered it.

endofthelinefinally · 07/10/2022 09:24

It isn't time to move your new GF in to your family home. Your children should be your priority. Yes, have a new relationship, but live separately.

PineappleWilson · 07/10/2022 09:25

If you had split up, I could see why your new partner would be unhappy, but not in the case of bereavement. Photos of your wife are not a threat to her, only a source of comfort to you and your children. Can she not see that?

CoastalWave · 07/10/2022 09:45

MrsMcGarry · 06/10/2022 22:15

I didn’t see a picture of my mother until I was 16 because my stepmother had, like your partner, decided she was a threat to her.
I will never forgive my stepmother or my father for that. A picture of my parents is now up on my kitchen wall, and my stepmother had the balls to complain about it. It was the last time she was invited into my house.

That's so awful :(

My mother went through something similar. Her mother died when she was a baby and didn't know anything at all about her real mother until she was a teenager (literally, no one would tell her as step mother insisted and her Dad was too weak to argue with her)

She only has one photo of her real mum.

It's affected her whole life.

OP - massive red flag if new partner has a problem. I would have zero problems with this (unless of course it was literally a shrine of full on kissing photos etc) Tread carefully with this new woman.

Children should absolutely see photos and pictures of their lovely mother.

As if she's threatened by someone who has passed on - christ, can you imagine her jealously levels to women you actually know and maybe work with?!

bishbashboosh1 · 07/10/2022 09:51

Your kids feelings come first. Keep them up

starfishmummy · 07/10/2022 09:52

I dont think you are unreasonable at all, but I think it probably depends on how many, how big and where!

In the kids room fine, small family group or two in the living room fine. In your bedroom, a shrine like arrangement or lots of them everywhere then not fine.

But just removing any is going to be a big thing for the kids and needs to be handled sensitively.