Dating thread 234 ... spooky times ahead

[BelladiMamma]

New thread!

Could someone else please copy and paste the rules ...?

I also think once you get that feeling that something is off or not quite right we're very rarely wrong and despite all the 'He might just be busy!' vibes on here and from friends actually we (well I) am very in tune to a change in messaging content or frequency.

And even though they often are just strangers it's a kick in the teeth for our (my) attractiveness in some way if they slide away and don't want to see you again.

MrF finally showed two blue ticks and messaged. Basically he did not use the phone until now ( which would account for no blue ticks until now). He was out last night, slow start of day and walk in the park…however… my sixth sense tells me something is different. He has asked me about my weekend too but my antenna tells me something is not the same. We’ll see…I asked him if he has thought about me this weekend…answer…”yes!”…🙄
I don’t know anything really…let’s see what happens …

Definitely the dent to the ego.

I met a guy who was very easy on the eye but asked me nothing about myself and didn't share my sense of humour - at all. His 'letting me down gently' at the end of the date was excruciating. I just wanted to go.

It's a tough one as I was a bit mortified and wanted to disappear. But it was also that he had ditched me. That hurt.

But I think you (I) just need to get used to it.

Like someone said if you met these men in a bar and initially fancied them it wouldn't feel so weird for you, or them, to move on.

I am an awful overthinker though

I was just writing a message to to say
I hoped he and his boy are ok as no idea what the rest of the night looked like & no hard feelings if you aren't fussed about another get together but I'm glad we crossed paths as learnt more about what I like in a fella through meeting him and just as I was about to send it he came online so I have absolute certainty he saw it even if he doesn't reply.

I won't tolerate ghosting after even one date when we've both invested time and energy and information, money (and even lips in a kiss) goddammit.
I will (from now on) give them the option to man up and say 'Sorry yes it's not working for me' or 'I've actually started seeing someone else'

With my three irons this summer MrArt read my how very dare you ghost me text and replied instantly with some excuse about a terrible drama at his end but then continued to ghost me forever.
MrCurly responded to my innuendo laden last text with a call to go to his and bonk him which I did and very very very pleased I did.
MrLocal hasn't replied 20 mins later and maybe he never will which will put me off OTT over complimentary blokes for life I think which is probably a good thing. Probably the worst case will be him and I having another date.

So. Lesson for me is be brave enough to call out the change in comms. Not ask for a reason but to say goodbye like a grownup and give them the option of agreeing our intuition is spot on.

I think that's it @Definitelycross it's much easier to be the chucker than the chucked.
It's so bizarre even when you know from the off that they're not quite (or at all) what you are looking for it still smarts!

Oncey…I find it hard to chuck…so I initially ghost until I find the oomph to write and say it’s not going forward. I normally need 24 hours to decompress before I chuck. I’m usually very nice and compliment them though. I think I have to ready to be chucked too because this is what it is…we are learning to see if a person fits in our life or not or we have better options or believe there are better options for us. I now have the antenna on with MrF and will be careful to decide what I do next
I think you were not much taken with Mr Local or Mr Curly …perhaps they saw that through?

@Definitelycross … a guy that does not ask about me or my life, passions etc is a no go area for me. That’s my number 1 red flag. If I don’t interest you, you don’t interest me. I’m a great believer of things going both ways. My issue with MrF is that he doesn’t banter, does not write anything unnecessary and so far is rather economical on the phone. Not in real life though. However…it’s early days and I don’t know yet what I want to do. He’s not my usual very dedicated love bomber beautiful man type. So this is new territory for me.

Last word from me on the subject o never ever block them either. Not even the direst and the ones who broke my heart.

I like the certainty that they never did get in touch. It would weird me out to not know whether they had tried to make contact.

Once one of my previous ghostly irons after 3 or 4 sleepovers got in touch lamely about three months later and I enjoyed not replying. I archive the chat so it gets unarchived if they ever do write again but doesn't clutter up my inbox with their name.

Anyhoo. Still feel unnecessarily empty and nauseous by the unexpected ghosting post lush Date1 with MrLocal but by this time tomorrow will hardly remember he existed for a brief week in my life

Regular old failure here 😂 just wanted to jump on as I for once praise Jesus had a really nice date last night. Started at 5 yesterday afternoon and ended a few hours ago. Been messaging since too. All my dates have been dreadful so even if this goes nowhere I'm just really happy to have had a good one for once 😂😂 how sad does that sound?!

It doesn't sound bad at all. It sounds like you had an amazing time and I may be beyond jealous 😂😂😂

Good for you - enjoy the glow

Glory be @Melonapplepear thank goodness someone's having an ok time dating this weekend.
Sounds BRILLIANT! Did you stay at theirs or did they come to yours?

I honestly thought my 5pm start date was going that way too 🙄

You have given me mucho joy and hope.

What are you calling your iron?

We went for food at a restaurant and ended up staying until closing time he was driving so no drink I was on the wine tho 😂 but we decided to stay out and go elsewhere but then he couldn't book a taxi so we bought some alcohol and went to his. Was very relaxed and conversation flowed and he made me laugh a lot so I guess I could go with Mr funny 😂 my dates are usually such epic fails I was kind of taken a back tbh. Lots of messaging this evening too so that's nice. The last date I went on the guy ended up getting arrested after a scuffle with doormen FFS, my friend's keep telling me I should write a blog 🙄😂

Oh that sounds perfect. I'm so pleased for you.

Mr J hasn't replied to my message although last night he was very chatty.
I keep telling myself to get a grip 🙄

I really do need to step away from the apps.

Each time I get knocked down/binned off by an iron I end up swiping furiously left on millions of men and swear I'm going to delete the apps, lick my wounds, concentrate on me for the winter then just one match will spark my interest and we go again.

Is this ok? It's a numbers game isn't it. Is there some value in taking time out rather than limping from one short-term iron to the next?

I hope it does.

I've stepped away from Match for now. My pride took a real dent.

I don't know how old you are but I think if you're younger than me you've got a much better chance and choice.

As the lovely 58 year old man told 55 year old me it's easier for him 🙄

But on Match I had so many men in their thirties clicking like but I sort of figured they were taking the p

Excuse me for being blunt, but it’s not really okay is it.

why do feel the need to keep swiping, if something it not working out, stop it.

why do you feel the need to be with someone,?

Ok now I feel like a nob for sending MrLocal a 'I think your comms have dropped' as he's just got home after over 24hrs doing kid in hospital stuff says he's sorry for low comms but family were constantly pestering him.
I am such a nob. Or am I? Maybe my gut is right and this is a breadcrumb.

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss I think the apps can become addictive. They can be an easy source for a quick ego boost, strangers telling us that we’re attractive, look stunning in our photos etc. Maybe the fact that your last 2 dates haven’t developed into anything and potentially on the surface it looks like they have stepped away from you rather than vice versa, maybe you are drawn back to the apps seeking affirmation that you are attractive (and I’m sure you are). You had said several times that you were going to take a break so maybe do so. I don’t want to misquote you but the gist of your feelings heading into the dates seemed to be no expectations, enjoy it for what it is, carpe diem- and reactions after each date seemed to be , had a great time, no regrets but then that seems to shift into some degree of of surprise and disappointment that neither followed anything up. I guess it comes down to what do you actually want from OLD. And focusing on responding to and engaging only with guys who are offering that.

Thanks @Stepcount wise words. I am pretty cool about it all until an iron goes full throttle on me tells me I'm amazing and we should be exclusive then bins me. Even though my head is thinking 'this is nuts he doesn't even know me'

My best iron of the three this summer was the cool as a cucumber non-kissing MrCurly who gave me the award winning sex session of a lifetime. He is now a FWB and every few days or once a week we make a smutty enquiry as to the other's availability to see if we can squeeze in a rerun.

It's the ambiguity and subsequent confusion I can't abide. I think I must be a tad autistic. Don't care if they're cool despite me liking them. But when they are full on even if they aren't a great long term match for me (I'm not currently in the market for anything more than meets, eats and sex) I'm sent into a tailspin.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

i do think you need a break ! or shall we say a pause
Mainly because you’ve become very invested in your recent ones , and I don’t like reading how upset you have been . Get your self esteem back , flirt with a few real life men , and let more reliable things make you feel good
you sound lovely , but a pause will do you good
it’s a brutal game

Melonapplepear

ahhh that’s really nice ! Hope it turns into something
whatever something may be !

It’s intoxicating when they say those things @OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss but hopefully you’re starting to firmly place such declarations in the red flag box when evaluating potential irons..! My last one like that started talking about “when you meet XYZ” referring to friends of his, or visiting his home, etc etc. I would correct him on it but still proceeded to meet him. People like that are unrealistic fantasists who are perhaps better at concocting their idea of a relationship online than they are in the flesh.

I think as time goes on you just get better at weeding these types out. My tactic is phone, video call, meet before there’s been time for too much “look how clever and witty I am” banter trying to win me over. Also as my therapist repeatedly urged me, what’s wrong with going slow? Why the need for adrenaline filled first dates that are ridiculously “extra”? (My last one was 10 hours and ended with clubbing in Hackney 🤪) I think it’s hard when you’re naturally wired a bit that way, but good to recognise these are all tempting little dopamine nuggets and whilst seductive, may not lead somewhere substantial and in the process we’ve made ourselves vulnerable to hurt.

Amen @ibelieveinmirrorballs and @Thisisworsethananticpated too.

Soooooo true regarding red flags being waved for all to see but ploughing onwards anyway! Wtaf.

10 hours then Hackney clubbing made me 😂 that's very me but really it should be a brief transactional coffee then back to my busy fulfilling life!

Reporting to the mothership…MrF back to normal, he will call me as usual this evening
however…I will be seeing Mr Ex too
I just don’t want to be too invested on MrF until I understand him a bit more

Great news @Mila14
Glad all back to fabulous but still sorry angst was invoked.