Dating thread 234 ... spooky times ahead

[BelladiMamma]

New thread!

Could someone else please copy and paste the rules ...?

@Mila14 I absolutely loathe that 'what are they doing if not texting me and yet not with their kids'. It can drive you quite mental and it's all very easy to say 'just stay busy' but you just wish they were texting/calling and making you the priority.

Im sorry it isn't (yet?) clear cut with MrF

Tuesday. After he drops his kids off (but before I have to put mine to bed!).

You could have knocked me down with a feather when HE suggested it in the back of the car (in jest, but still!). I was driving and I had to pull over. I couldn’t think of a single thing to say!

So typical, Tinder is full of rats and ONS-seekers, and I get the guy who’s too nice for sleazy car sex, even though I’d have jumped on him last week. It’d be a waste. He’s far too lovely and I still think I can’t be that lucky. If he’s even average in bed, it’ll still be worth it.

I’m quite pissed off Oncey ,I think at this time of the day not even a good morning message doesn’t bode well. I will be back on the search on Friday. I can’t understand it. And yes, I should be the priority if kids are not there.

@Mila14 if I've learned nothing else this summer/autumn of OLD romancing it's that there is no point in trying to figure men out. Especially those you think you have a good thing with or get off to a good start.

Found these in my dating folder if they are helpful.

If he’s even average in bed, it’ll still be worth it.

what would average look like ( figuratively not literally), just asking for a friend you understand 👨

Because you are not his absolute priority right now, simple as that.

I texted NoShow last night & she has not responded & I’m not bothered, I think ppl really read too much into all this “they have not texted me today “ stuff.

@Mila14 I think you're asking a lot to be considered a priority to him this early in. Even when I don't have my kids I have to fit in family, friends, house stuff, studies etc. Yes I agree it takes 2 seconds to text a hello but maybe he's someone that only messages when he has substantial time to actually correspond

There’s always a man who’s a good lover but if you want a partner too , I think many of us would compromise a bit . Not a lot but a bit. I don’t think I can have a better lover than Mr Ex . It’s a fact

I’m not checking my phone until the afternoon. Went to gym for a good workout and meeting DD and girlfriends for sushi 😊. My priority!

You are right Slothy
in the meantime MrEx is back from hols with DC and first thing he does is texting and “ I love you” text… I'm having a very confusing day to be honest

@Mila14 to add to the others…. I think mrF sounds very normal - it’s the ones who instantly have ages to bestow hundreds of messages your way that you need to watch for. Maybe you’re not used to a normal boundaried healthy dynamic?! (I know I’m not! I have similar exasperation with MrN sometimes as he is not obsessed with witty text exchanges but certainly delivers on actions and substance. We’re 5 months in now and don’t do daily morning check ins… thank god 😬)

I haven’t the faintest idea, really. I suppose enjoyable but not earth shattering. Willing to do what it takes for me to enjoy it, and not sulk because it’s not what he thinks should work, according to some random source that isn’t me!. Consideration, respect, listening. I’d gladly take fewer orgasms for a really decent guy, so long as he didn’t make me feel like a failure or an anomaly because of it. And these qualities run strong in Mr2Pugs, so far as it’s possible to tell, so I have hope. He’s scared though. I need to go gently with him.

The irony, of course, is if a guy is willing to listen and be respectful what you like, it’s probably going to be good, even it’s not instinctual.

Hello friends, just catching up with your shenanigans, ex SigMar here.

@Mila14 traditional man, going slow, sounds great, I know what you mean about constant texting its just NOT ON and so waring when we ahve our kids and busy lives.

My Fwb has gone off the boil somewhat. Not really bothered tbh.

@Thisisworsethananticpated yes I agree, different people are exciting. I am a teacher and i have met a farmer, a banker, a roofer, a dentist, ,,,.....

Excellent stuff Oncey
I think I will look around from Friday. No kids for over a week and time to decompress and check 😛

😂😂😂😂 well done MrNice!!! I think at least a text in the morning on a Sunday is not much to ask for. Yesterday he told me I was beautiful and wished me a good day. Then total disappearance…maybe he met someone awesome last night and slept with her etc…or he’s back with ex girlfriend…who knows. I think something is going on…I am not one to wait around though…

If it's any consolation at all @Mila14 (probably not) after a very long and fabulous (maximum hand holding, stroking, laughing and kissing) date with MrLocal I was saddened and surprised to not get much by way of text from him today when previous to our rendezvous he'd been very full on and chatty via text.

I could see he was online earlier but nothing sent to me.

Pretty sure he had a strange inwards night with a dash to get to his kid in hospital then maybe no sleep until this morning when I got the only 'Thanks for last night text'

I wasn't convinced we were a perfect match tbh but we definitely had a great time together and loads of fundamentals in common and even though it was only one date in its still strange and leaves you empty and rejected when you are suddenly dropped for no reason unexpectedly.

Im the same as you Mila - no way would I chase (no point, leaned that ages ago) but feeling sad and empty due to lack of textuals.

Unlike you I don't think I will be going back to swiping this week.
MrLocal and I started messaging this time last week when my first message back to his hilarious one was that I was about to delete the app for the winter and he persuaded me otherwise. Brought lots of laughs to an otherwise crap week and as always I don't regret any of it but am feeling battered and in need of licking my wounds and not having my emotions affected by blokes who I didn't know existed mere weeks before they dashed my confidence!

@OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss i think it’s worth taking a step back for a bit here.. firstly you said he’d had a call from his ex to say v serious incident with child. If this is to be believed you will not be his priority today, someone he’s met once and texted for a week. However, being realistic it’s also potentially suspect that this would happen on a first date (what are the chances?) and could suggest he’d set it up as a get out of jail free card.

BUT most importantly here you say yourself you weren’t going to meet at all and also that you’re not convinced you’re a good match at all.

I recognise these traits as have had them myself. You should not be feeling crestfallen about not hearing back from someone within hours given all the factors above. Remind yourself you are not sure of him. Is he the one off travelling despite having kids? You are the prize remember… fill your life up with prize-worthy extras and make him put the effort in to prove HE is worthy of YOU.

Thanks @ibelieveinmirrorballs everything you say is completely spot on but I guess what I was trying to say to @Mila14 is that even with all that - kid dashed to hosp, travelling, unhinged, over-texty before we met, not really my type, I wasn't up for meeting anyone but he convinced me etc etc etc it is still very easy to have emotions affected negatively by the absence of a phone ping.

So if you've had several dates and phone/video calls and all is going swimmingly (ie. none of the above blockers) it's only going to hurt more despite girls lunches and sushi and gym.

We can be busy but the 'thanks but no thanks' message via a diminished or completely absent text is horrible.

In @Mila14 s case though not hearing from someone for a few hours means nothing. It DOES mean something if you’re addicted to the endless stream of check ins for dopamine hits. But lots of normal boundaried people just don’t work like that and it’s no sign at all in itself that they’re not interested.

I totally get what you say about the disheartening lurch post-date of lessening comms and basically the sheer uncertainty of it all. It’s exhausting and draining. But I think it’s important not to view a first date as any kind of validation of your worth - these people are complete strangers to us. We know absolutely nothing about the dramas, history, ability to be an adult in relationships, that comes as part and parcel of any of them. I’m not saying any of this is easy but as per the rules above, it’s good to try not to take any of it personally.

So true @ibelieveinmirrorballs so very true.

I've noticed that even if I do feel rejected in these circs then a good nights sleep and a fresh new day sees me as right as rain and much more balanced perspective (ie forgetting about the fella and the angst).

In the meantime It's very hard to wish the texts would come when they don't and see them online. But as you say they are strangers. Some stranger than others!

I often wish my XH had binned me off when we first met instead of pursuing me (no texts in those days) we talk here often about bullets dodged don't we.
When something sad re a fella you thought you liked isn't into you it's better to remind ourselves that the alternative could have been a fraught relationship which in turn hurt even more than no texts from a stranger!

I do get it.. I had a date about a year ago with someone who I didn’t click with, but whom upon leaving shoved his tongue down my throat in a revoltingly aggressive way. He texted me before I’d got home to say “no spark” and even though I didn’t like him I felt wounded. It’s mad and worth noticing these things and building ourselves up so we’re better equipped. Two days after this horrible date MrM messaged me on OKCupid and I went on to have a romping adventure with him (now FWB).

The more resilient we can be to the mini knocks the better, because there is much other fun out there to be had.

Mila14

the immediate jump to ‘he’s a sex party , on a date , with his other gf’ when they don’t reply … or message all the time

is not great for you !!! I’ve done that and it’s not helpful
I think you’ve got very accustomed to major texters

and maybe he’s not a match for wider reasons

but it’s a slippery and not ideal slope x

There's so much good advice on here.

I became hooked on checking if Mr T had messaged me especially when I saw he was online.

But I have realised now these men are total strangers and we have no idea how many irons they're tending to.

Unfortunately I do tend to believe everything I'm told, despite sharing my life with a pathological liar. I so wish I was more cynical. I think it would have saved my feelings a lot more.

I'm really liking Mr J from Bumble. I messaged him this morning and nothing yet but I'm sitting on my hands and thinking- it doesn't matter.

I've taken so long to even try to get to this place.

OnceRuralNowUrbanbliss

as you said it’s disheartening
and annoying
and somewhat bruising for the old ego

but you WILL bounce back x

MrF and I never texted much. Some days he would only call me and 0 text. But he has not called today or texted and has my message from today “unread”. MrF never texted more than 1 or 2 texts a day to be honest. I don’t really know what’s going on 😳. I think I will wait and see what happens but I feel absolutely fine now. I’m looking forward to my ME time from Friday and I will be seeing Mr Ex at some point 😊