Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

@Emptyinsidetothecore you have been so dignified, I don't know if I could be as mature and dignified as you! I bet it feels good to have written out what you would have liked to say to the rat. Yeah I think we are all just plodding on, I'm still on the usual rollercoaster of emotions, it feels good though after nearly 18years to finally feel free of him mentally, to stop making excuses for him, to stop wanting him back. The illusion of him has been shattered and I see him for who he is, all the fuck ups he made that hurt 17, 18, 19 , 20, 21 etc year old me, I see all them baby versions of me and I'm finally strong enough to leave and they are all behind me supporting me and I'm doing it for them. It sounds weird, I've been watching too much meditation/inner child stuff on TikTok I think haha. I don't even miss him in relation to xmas, even when we was in picturesque Lapland last year he refused to engage and just sat on his phone uninterested. I finally feel free and just want to focus on my kids. I never thought the switch would flip in me that women talk about but it has.

Yep, just plodding along here, waiting for Xmas to come and go. Can't believe I don't have a happy family this Xmas, and thinking how my life has changed from a year ago! Can't believe it.

My children are teenagers so they know we've separated because he had an affair. He told them they were his top priority now too, and the youngest quite rightfully told him that they were not, otherwise he wouldn't have done it to them. She's 14. Children are not silly.

@Emptyinsidetothecore I'm in your angry camp. 🤗 my stexh has somehow turned it all round on me. I've left him, I've taken the children away from him and now the only thing he had left - the much loved dog. The truth is I've spent the past year planning how to leave this narcissistic a-hole who lived a double life for almost 3 years whilst working away.. he actually loved with another woman, holidaying and living the life of luxury whilst I worried about getting the kids to school and paying the bills.. financially controlled and gaslighted at every opportunity!! Fgs what a year it's been 🥴 I'm not at all Christmassy but plastering on smile whilst building flat pack furniture in our new forever home.. poor sad stexh is downing bottles of expensive wine hoping it's all a dream. One day I'll put this in a book, for now it's one day at a time and on foot in front of the other. Sending love and strength to you all xx

Someone said to me today "just the three of you for Christmas?" Me and my two kids. Next year they'll be at their dads.

So I cried in the street but previously us been thinking "ha!! Divorce!!! Piece of piss!!! I'm fine!!". Then I sound like Ross Geller when he says he's "fine" and it all unravels and I'm all out of inspirational quotes to get us through it.

I literally have nothing useful to say but watching crappy telly is a godsend like the pp said.

I agree on watching crappy tv - anything that is distraction.
This is my 3rd Xmas day without my children - last year they were with their dad to spend a last one with a dying relative. Said relative died so the children's dad would otherwise be alone.
He's also moving on and so he should being a solvent home owner with his own hair and teeth and he's intelligent and a great dad (not a good partner to me but that's another matter.) He's stepped up in a way he never did when I was around.
It makes me feel all the more lonely - time has not been kind and I'm now looking at getting a stick to walk with permanently. I don't have the option to date or to go and build my hobbies. And these thoughts are turning me bitter and I wish they wouldn't.

@FootDown2022 it was our joint decision to tell them, so I’m not annoyed too much on that front. It should have happened sooner. STBEXH was good at delay tactics making it the weekend, as you say, a week before Christmas (further backing up my point he doesn’t put them first)

@ThePredictableScript I occasionally pat myself on the back for being dignified and not a raging lunatic towards him, like I want to be. He’s pissed me right off this morning but I have a WhatsApp support group with my friends who’ve been the most amazing support. So, when I got to send a long text to him, or want to check my sanity, the group get my spiralling and bring me back. Within 4 minutes of my text to them this morning, one called me straight away and we talked through how best to handle (which in fairness, the advice is, “disengage, don’t reply” which I’m now listening to 🤣 perhaps didn’t before!) It is interesting you feel mentally free, as I do too, and I’m surprised it’s so soon. I’ve treated myself to some new things, spent a bit of money actually, which I’d never normally do and it felt amazing!

@rockingbird sorry you're in the angry camp too: it’s not a great place to be is it? I’ve spent the day with friends and family and that’s really helped me calm down. Friends are angry too about my situation and that somehow makes me feel better that my emotions are validated IYSWIM? Good luck with the flat pack furniture - I find doing something like that is empowering. You’ve got this!

@sweatervest a good cry helps. I’ve cried on a stranger who kindly offered me a hug because I was crying in the middle of my walk! It was surreal but how lovely of her to do that. Good box set or feel good film has got me through the last 7 weeks - the hashtag #️⃣sorrynotsorry comes to mind. If tv is helping, don’t let little voices tell you you shouldn’t be watching it. It’s good to do (and friends re-runs are the best!)

@Garysmum it all sounds really tough for you. Have you got real life support? Sending 💐

I’ve ordered some new clothes and wrapped them under the tree to open on Christmas Day along with some very nice Espa bath oil. I don’t expect my ex will take the kids to get a gift for me and they’d be upset if I didn’t have anything to open. It’s odd knowing I’ll need to sort my own gifts out until the kids are bigger but it does mean I’ll only buy stuff I really want.

He has the kids Boxing Day so I’ll use the bath oil and a nice new candle and relax after all the craziness of pre-Christmas prep.

It's a total fucker when you've arranged presents for your ex from the kids and he doesn't bother to check in with what they've got you. I've had the most horrendous presents from the kids previously because it wasn't in his remit for whatever reason to organise a basic present.

Me too am actually looking forward to boxing day alone!!! Kids will be with their dad Terrible how I've changed over the years. Might go to the cinema. Might not. But I don't have to tell anyone where I'm going or why or for how long so that's a joy!!!!

Posh bath oil sounds like a treat.

I only have a shower so I'll probably shower with the bathroom door open. Because I can. Because the house will be empty. #because I'm worth it 😂😂😂

Still in the angry camp today.. he's not even mentioned presents for the kids! I've bought them all as usual, he's expecting us round for Christmas dinner and I just don't want that at all. I'm doing it for the children, I've bought him some gifts (nothing to fancy) but I can bet I'll have nothing. I've actually made myself a stocking this year for the first time ever. I've bought mystery boxes from glossy box and some other such place.. I'll get the kids to wrap the items and place them in my stocking so I'll have a little surprise on Christmas morning.

I'm dreading it all 🥴

I bought myself a nice jumper and some books to have on Christmas morning. My exH was always very hit and miss with presents so I always got myself some little things.
I actually feel kind of cheerful today. Usually Christmas would include a lot of meet ups with my in-laws. I'm sure it looked very cheerful from the outside but the reality for me was usually either a lot of chauffeuring drunk people around if we were out or me cleaning up dozens of bottles and glasses of a morning if we were hosting.
I'm going to enjoy a calm house and some good long walks when I'm off. I feel like I need some fresh air and Vitamin D to perk me up.

@sweatervest I'm the same, spent my first weekend without the kids crying uncontrollably, and constantly saying "I'm fine". Ross Geller certainly sprung to mind 😂 I am fine about the divorce, I'm actually happy from a personal point of view, but missing my kids is just the worst. That's what I can't handle. I have them Christmas morning, my parents are up which is great, but I'm dreading them leaving at lunchtime. It's so hard.

@NotReallySure (just got the hang of this tagging thing. loving my technical expertise!!) ... it's so tough saying goodbye to your kids on christmas day. how old are they? do kids ever appreciate what their mothers are going through? (i don't think mine do and they're in their 20s)

is it you and your parents for christmas day? will be thinking of you. it's nice that you're not alone on christmas day and even if your kids are not in floods of tears about how great their mother is and how they want to spend it with you ... there will be loads of times at their christmas day when i bet they're wishing they wish they were with you. it's just sad sad sad and nothing can make it better. (afaik) (lmk if there's something that can make it better!!!)

To Thanks @sweatervest I will see them in the morning, they are 4 and 6. Thanks for your kind words. You can only make the best of these things, and enjoy time relaxing and doing grown up things. There will be wine, and chocolate and movies, so not all bad. I hope you have a lovely time, whatever you end up doing, nothing wrong with a good cry and some crap telly 😁 thinking of you too, and all of you struggling with this. I saw an excellent t shirt the other day with the slogan: "She needed a hero..... So that's what she became". We're all heroes in our own way xx

When I say I swing from every stage of grief within every hour I mean it. I just cannot seem to regulate myself half the time! But it helps to know its normal and it will pass. I get glimmers where I feel like me again and shudder at my anger/sadness etc but then it starts again! What a rough time of year to be going through this for us all. We still haven't discussed finances and as far as I'm aware he still hasn't found a place much to his parents annoyance. My kids told me he had an argument with them about it. Start of the year I did all the chasing to split the money, has he found a place, divorce etc and it did nothing but stress me out. This time he can come to me and then I will deal with it but its sort of unnerving waiting, knowing any day it will be be here.. but then the real healing can begin knowing my new financial situation.

Hugs everyone thinking of you at this time it’s difficult for all of you I’m very lucky I realise that I’m happy but not everyone is this year. Next year totally different I think for all of us, we’ll all be in different places mindsets.

Sorry to all who are struggling 💐

I’m with you @ThePredictableScript with the continuous cycle of grief every hour, let alone every day. Have cried on / off for 3.5 hours because I’ve held it in for a few days whilst DC with me. It’s not good for me. Plus I’ve not been for my walk which normally does me some good.

I’ve planned Christmas as much as I can given the circumstances, my DM has stepped in and taking all the food buying and cooking off my hands, but she’s coming to mine to do it which is nice. I have other shit going on with a poorly family member which just adds to my anxiety and friends with lots of problems too, which I’m trying to support (and them support me). People seem to have a lot going on around me through no fault of their own; it’s odd.

I had a lovely real life telephone chat with one of our posters on this thread this morning too, which was so nice. How lovely that we can find comfort sometimes with complete strangers. I won’t tag her, but she’s just a beautiful soul who is dealing with so much herself but still found the time to talk to me 🥰

He’s trying to get me to go back no way am I going back trying the emotional blackmail again🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

If you know it’s over, it’s over.

It is common that men regret their decision, and depending on where you are with your healing, you may take them back. Despite my hurt, continuing love and desire for the family unit to be back together, I couldn’t go back (he hasn’t asked anyway). Too much has happened that broke the trust in him for ever.

Stay strong and don’t listen to the tactics he deploys @Always4Brenner

@Emptyinsidetothecore Your post really resonated. I am 7 weeks in and STBEXH wants to tell my 3 DC (11,13 and 16) about the OW.

I do not want to hide anything from them and have tried to be dignified and accomodating throughout this last few months. I just think the timing is shitty. We had agreed not to hide anything from them, but to let them settle into the arrangement of living between two homes. In some ways I want it out in the open but I hate that our children have been put in this position an dit's exhausting trying to be non-blaming in front of the kids. Especially when he has put himself before them so many times over the weeks. It's bloody Christmas! But still all about an insecure male's eed for validation above all else. So glad to be rid of him.

Don’t worry I won’t I’m not going back he’d never forgive me the in-laws would never either no I’m not going back to grumpiness etc friends are backing me up as well. I’m entering the best Christmas for years this year. Thank you for your support as well.

@threeandmeandthedog

He sounds like an idiot.

I work with kids in the 11-18 age range and let me tell you, they are not little teeny tots that will warm up to the OW. They know wtf this is about. They will also think their dad is a right shit. So, all in all, he's a sad idiot to have needed this and what a shit to do it so early on.

I am so sorry your kids will have to share their lives with their stepmummy who undoubtedly wished for the fall of your little family. But kids are not stupid. They will not accept her, I can promise you this, they will play polite, but soon get a say in where they want to be and I am sure it is going to be your house and they'll let dad get on with his crummy little OW.

He should have waited till they grew up, I mean they were more than half way there. What a shit and a half.

@stongerbytheday you are right- he is an idiot! I am a child psychologist and have explained all this to him and he just rolls his eyes and thinks I am being a ‘drama queen.’ He has no idea. My kids are astute and will be able to see through his patter in no time at all. All these men who spout that they ‘will always put the kids first’ and then do the opposite repeatedly- it beggars belief.

All I can do is step back, let him unleash whatever nonsense he is going to (I have tried my best to stop him and to explain things rationally but for some reason I am the enemy etc) and be the stable and steady parent who provides security and reassurance and picks up the pieces. Everything he does reminds me how much better my future will be not married to him.

The laughable thing is the OW lives 300 miles away, has her own children and they had been together 5 weeks before I found out. Sounds like they have a great future ahead of them. She’s welcome
to him!

I keep seeing all these happy family Christmas posts on social media.. 😌 I know I'm free and better off but goodness me it makes me sad! The family life I thought I had is gone - never was what I thought it was, in fact it was all a complete fecking lie! That said .. today I'm feeling a bit sad I don't have someone special to share the moment with. Hey ho.. I've had me moan, now I shall put on some music and have a kitchen disco! Happy Thursday all xx

Hello everyone hugs bit low today due to -home call I’ve got support just wondering whether to put phone on silent for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day I can phone people. But it might just give the rest of not having to worry now about him phoning. I just don’t want this feeling low again. Sorry if not a big problem as others I had my heartbreak months years ago.

@Always4Brenner could you block his number for Xmas eve and Xmas day and the unblock it when you are comfortable to accept his communication? It’s horribly anxiety inducing when you are expecting communication from him that will be difficult
to manage or that you know will upset you