Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

Tell him to Ebay the holiday too.

So I’ve been doing ok but yesterday applied for universal credit - I’m ok financially but part of my income can be quite sporadic and wanted to see what I’d be entitled to (which turns out to be more than I thought). I was so tearful though completing the application - I’ve always worked, never claimed any means tested benefits, never been unemployed. It just felt like a definite shift in my sense of self, if you know what I mean, that I’m now a single mum on benefits. Such a fucking cliche.

I had the same feeling a couple of months back. Never did I think I'd be claiming benefits but do you know what.. I've paid into the system all my working life and I still work now be need some extra financial support and that's perfectly fine.

Doesn't have to be forever! Made me feel down at the time so I know how you feel. Sending hugs your way xx

Thanks for this thread. All sounding very familiar, sulky, manipulative ex H, thinking I'm not entitled to anything as it's all "his", apparently working part time to bring up the kids/save on childcare was just laziness 🙄
This weekend was my first without the kids properly, and it's been so very hard. Made plans with friends but ended up crying uncontrollably (by 41 you'd think I'd have learned not to mix emotions and alcohol!!).
Onwards and upwards, lots of strong women on here, and we're headed for a better time xx

I am in a very similar situation and understand all your points. I am bouncing between 'to separate or not to separate'...it's literally the hardest decision I have ever had to make : (

I've paid into the system all my working life and I still work now be need some extra financial support and that's perfectly fine.

Thank you @rockingbird thats what I’m telling myself too, I’ve paid a shit load of tax over the years and I’m still working albeit limited because I have two children with SEN so need flexibility. The system is supposed to provide a safety net, and I need a bit of a safety net at the moment.

I was just surprised that of all the hard bits over the past few months, that’s the thing that caught me up short, and felt a bit silly about it.

Hello, I'd like to join the thread if ok please!

I've just been reading some of the comments on here and I could have written them myself. Particularly the one where @ThePredictableScript went out but felt flat. I did the same last weekend and have never felt so sad on a night out in my whole life.

I do have another thread running that describes what a shit show I've made of the past year. My H left in April and we'd decided in the November that we were over. So just over a year ago to now. We dragged it out as couldn't bear to go through with it.

After 8 weeks I met another man while at a friend's house, I wasn't looking for anyone that soon obviously. He provided me with a lovely, exciting distraction for the past 6 months but then ended it out of the blue 2 weeks ago.

I am in such a bad place now. I do see that I did not deal with breakdown of my marriage at all at the time whereas my H suffered for months. He's in a better place now.
We sold the family home last month and myself and DD are with my parents now.

It's horrible to read that so many are in similar positions but it helps to know you're not the only one in the world feeling hopeless, scared and lonely.

split ups are so tough.
i'm nearly a year post split. two arrests for the ex and a NMO served but still i'm crying at random times and my kids see me upset but i've put the tree up. last year i couldn't even put the tree up as i was in the throes of a co-ercive controlling and abusive relationship but didn't even realise it at the time.

i've got an intefering ex sil who's not forwarding his post and the divorce papers should have been signed and he's not seen them thanks to her so it's all bloody stress and i'm fed up with it all.

it's nice to have this thread to see who else is going through stuff too, unfortunately.

The thing I hate the most about my separation is that when my kids were little and I actually was a SAHM the marriage was very happy, we had a joint account and no issues at all about money. That exH is now painting that time as something bad that I did to him seems very unfair to me and even more unfair to the kids.
I definitely have private vengeful moments when I wish all bad things on my exH but rationally I hope he gets it together and stays in his kids lives. I'll never get over him publicly wishing poverty and misery on me.

Love the Xmas tree story, and I've also been out but not had more than 3 drinks so that I don't feel down the next day. Can only really manage two safely.

Was really feeling rotten last week but am feeling a bit better the last few days. Suppose that's the rollercoaster of emotions really!

Ive been feeling like this for over a year, perhaps two. I bounce between go and stay on a daily basis, often waking in the night thinking about it.
‘Peri menopause and empty nest is part of the trouble, but not all.

I have a strange but practical question. I’ve just read on Advice.org and it advices to destroy any existing will and change your life assurance person whilst separated / going through the divorce process. This makes sense because, anything could happen and would you want your money / assets going to your ex?

I now need to change my life assurance but no idea who to put! My life assurance at work is really good (6x my salary if I die). Tempted to put parents but they’re a bit older and if I put DC I assume that’ll be complex as they’re under 18. Could I put a friend and then have some sort of instructions that the money is for dc?

Anyone got any experience?

Also applied to pension too (a beneficiary). I need to take STBEH off straight away.

Joining this thread, it’s so nice to feel slightly less alone. I’m in the early stages and not coping well. Marriage has been short (2.5 years) and no DC(good and bad here as it’s so lonely but children makes things more complicated). DH initiated end of marriage because he didn’t know who he was but then just stayed in the house. I eventually asked him to leave as I was in a right state not knowing what was going on so now feel like it’s my fault. He left 1 month ago and although initially I was relieved, now it is so hard. So anxious about legal stuff as I will be the one who will have to manage everything and not sure if I can buy him out. Does it really get better in time? It doesn’t feel like it ever will 😟

Can you put your friend as executor with instructions to give it to your kid when they're older?
Plus I saw a thing that said tell your kids if they're inheriting the house to get a pre nup done as they're inheriting a lot of money (from the house etc) and to protect after we're dead etc etc
I've got my ex husband as executor. The first ex husband that is. Joan Collins that I am

So anxious about legal stuff as I will be the one who will have to manage everything and not sure if I can buy him out. Does it really get better in time? It doesn’t feel like it ever will

Sorry you’re also going through this @WorriedHullg1992 There are a few of us in the same time frame as you, some a year or two ahead and from what I’m reading it gets better. It’s just a long bumpy road! It’s shit and I’m less than 2 months since my separation. Slightly more good days than bad, but not going to lie, it’s a struggle for me.

From a practical point of view, what has helped me is getting organised. I’ve set up a spreadsheet and got down everything money wise including assets (equity, savings, pensions) debts, income etc in one place.

I found a really helpful Budget Planner www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/everyday-money/budgeting/budget-planner

I filled this in by having my online bank open and listing all our direct debits for the house etc.

I found our latest mortgage statement too (it’s who we bank with so easier for me) and did a bit of research on value of our house (look at rightmove for your area) and that worked our our equity, then divide by 2 for 50% as a ballpark)

Following that I made an appointment with an independent mortgage advisor. Suppose you could do your own research online but the lady was recommended to me (also divorced) and she was brilliant (can recommend her!) She needed info on my salary, debts, savings/equity to put down etc. before she could give me mortgage rates etc. but doing that gave me more of an idea of what I could afford and options for now, and the future (eg buy him out, then maybe move later)

My next bit of advice is to read up on the separation/divorce process. www.advicenow.org has some fantastic guides (you can buy hard copies for £20 but the downloads are free).

It helps you breakdown the (long) process to divorce. With you not having children you may be able to do this amicably - depends on your assets. I know everyone says “get a solicitor” and I’m not against this but just consider how amicable you can do this without the cost. I’ve had an initial meeting with a solicitor but believe I don’t need her until a bit further down the process - she’s given some good guidance but we’re leaning on a mediator service instead (1/4 of the cost of a solicitor) which so far, is working. Obviously every separation is different and those ‘H’s being utter knobheads, definitely need a good solicitor!

Guides I’ve found useful but there are loads (I’m watching a video on filling out Form E which is the financial declaration to the courts, 28 page form!! So video has been useful)

A survival guide to divorce

How to get a divorce without a lawyer

Pensions and divorce - useful if he has a good pension and yours not so much eg defined benefit. It’s easy to forget pensions but important to protect your future

Wow reading this thread and see how amazingly people cope . This time last year I could barely drag my self out of bed , Christmas and new year was unbearable. He met someone else in November last year , although it was. My choice to separate it ripped my heart out . They are still together but have a very toxic relationship and are always breaking up . He’s an alcoholic and drinking again … even ended up in hospital because of it . In august he messaged me saying how he still loved me and wanted us to work things out . I fell for his bull shit and surprise surprise he was back with her a week later saying I had lied about the whole thing which she believed and I got shit and threatening messages on messenger from her or a friend of hers .

Im done with him now , although 3 weeks ago I had a message from him saying think we need to talk but didn’t hear from him again because they are back together . Went out got myself a lovely real Christmas tree and this Christmas I’m going to enjoy it . Good luck to her over Christmas when he’s getting drunk and being vile because that what he did every Christmas with me .they are both as crazy as each other and I will be very surprised if they last . Well done yo all you strong ladies out there 🥰

I’m so happy this Christmas compared to last look up holothane posts last Christmas ones well leading up to it. To compare my tree can’t be put up I’ve lost the base but I don’t care it wil be replaced next year made a little girls Christmas for me that’s made Christmas for me knowing she’s got her dancing Santa. Stbx are still friends yes I’m lucky in this now apart no grumpiness or moaning. I don’t have to put up with all the politics etc. so happy. Hugs and happy Christmas to all of you, you all deserve happiness.

I never got a straight answer from exH about Christmas Dinner and I'm not going to ask again. Kids will be coming to me and don't know his plans either. To be honest they don't really care, Christmas was just a binge for exH for as long as they can remember. My DCs do drink alcohol, but in moderation. Christmas shopping is easier without multiple slabs of beer and bottles of Whiskey.

My DCs are adults. (Just case people who joined the thread later are imagining me with a house full of boozing children.)

So glad I say this thread. I have been with my stbexh 27 years in total. I got into debt a few years back (ashamed of that )- he forced me to give up my part time work which I loved, took my bank card and forced me to complete a spreadsheet every day with what I was spending. I was given a paltry weekly allowance for food etc and everything I spent had to be documented on his spreadsheet.

So I found full time employment drifted from one to another eventually found an admin position I liked and got a loan to pay off the debt,

He put me in to a suicidal depression - I used to go to bed when I got home from work - ignored my two kids because I wanted to die. He called me a basket case, a nutter, an amoeba, bad parent, bad wife. It was horrendous. He watched me going into a depression and did nothing.

I devoted my life to my kids. We then agreed to separate and sell the house byt I offered to buy him out which he accepted. We stayed in the same house for 6 months. When I walked into a room he would walk out. Would spend all his time in the bedroom or golfing.

Eventually I had the guts to send a letter saying I wanted a divorce. He then gave me a spiel about how he had had plans for this family. Lot of crap.

On recieving figures from my lawyer he had been putting money away and had 10k that I knew nothing about. When I confronted him he said it was for home decorations.

I honestly believe if I hadn't sent that letter I would be still with him and walking on eggshells. The guilt I felt over the debt overwhelmed me.

He was very moody and controlling before the debt - my friends say he is a classic narc.

He has delayed signing the divorce papers for over 6 months now since his pension figure has dropped and he cannot afford to give me what I am due. I am demented and so is my lawyer.

Anyway I have no family - I am divorcing him plus his family so why do I feel lost? I have two grown up children aged 19 and 22 (22 year old expecting a baby with his girlfriend which was a total shock).

Sorry this is long but I am dreading Christmas - I sometimes regret sending him that letter then my friends give me a good kick up the back side. He has stalled all along holding on to his last bit of control.

Sorry this is long but I feel lonely so much and don't know how to recover from this horrible experience.

@Emptyinsidetothecore thank you so so much for the long and detailed reply, it is so much appreciated and it’s both heartbreaking and wonderful to see so many strong women doing their best. We will get through this!

Its been quiet in here so assuming everyone is just plodding on and trying to get to Christmas?

STBEH told DC about the OW over the weekend. Not as blatant as that, it was buttered up into a nicer spiel of how much he loves them and the “friend” wont replace them etc. DC were upset, more angry actually. 12yo is pissed off it is too soon (less than 7 weeks since separation) and I could see the cogs ticking that the timing of the friend vs. him leaving me is very close.

I thought I’d feel a weight off my shoulders about it as I didn’t like the fact the secret could get out, but I just feel really sad for DC. Their reaction is a consequence to him being an arsehole and not ending our marriage sooner, instead having his head turned and starting something whilst with me. All the research says, don’t let the children see any blaming between parents (and I’m doing my best to not do that) but it’s hard too.

I feel like saying, I’m annoyed too, and DC, you should be fucking angry because your dad thought with his cock and his big ego needing to be pampered, instead of thinking with his brain and putting his wife and his children first. The irony is one of the lines he’s said to them is, I’ll always put your before her - fucking joke and a half!

And breathe 😤

My stbx keeps asking now when am I going home well I’m not I’m happy now happier than I’ve been for years. Go back to moodiness organising everything, the grumps snappiness when something doesn’t suit, not being able to save much. His parents giving me the cold shoulder (they do now but here I don’t care) it would be alright for a few weeks then it would start all over again. No thanks he wanted me out well he’s got me out.

That is awful, @Emptyinsidetothecore . It's only a week to Christmas. Your kids should be thinking about presents, not having their world shaken by having a whole new woman introduced to them. You're entitled to be very angry, on your own behalf and for your kids.

I'm just plodding along, I'm definitely more tired and tearful now than I was . All I'm doing when I'm not at work is watching unchallenging television. I haven't even decorated the house yet. I reckon I'll muster all my energy to have a nice Christmas next weekend and then gladly say goodbye to 2022.