Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

I invited exH for Christmas Dinner when he called by to collect something. He was very sulky and I didn't get a straight answer. He has an amazing capacity to feel sorry for himself. I have a feeling that we'll never be able to do mediation because he's too angry. He still hasn't talked to a solicitor as far as I can tell. He firmly believes he's entitled to about 90% of our assets as I was a SAHM for a while.

@FootDown2022 if he does talk to a solicitor he’ll be disappointed to find it doesn’t work that way! SAHP is viewed as equal contribution to family life is what I was told by mediator.

I've been to a solicitor myself and have a good idea of what I'd be entitled to. I wouldn't even push for 50% in mediation, I just want to have some security going forward.
ExH thinks I should be punished for asking him to leave the house and MIL is winding him up big time. I think they might have some sympathy for me if I seemed to be falling apart but they are raging with me for getting on with my life.
I can see from their point of view that me kicking exH out seemed very sudden but it was a result of him behaving shockingly for a whole year. I was just mentally ready for the marriage to be over.

I am feeling a bit better the last few days. Haven't looked into mediation yet but have decided I just want to divorce. There's no point in dragging it out, I never want him back, he doesn't want to come back so just get it over with and get on with my life.

Regarding wages that are taken into consideration, he seems to think that his company car and yearly bonus won't amount to his yearly salary???!!! Which to me, seems ridiculous! He thinks it'll be based on my wage that does not include a company car or such bonuses, and just his basic income not including car and bonus?! Any experience with this from anyone?

He has not sought legal advice either!

I think they might have some sympathy for me if I seemed to be falling apart but they are raging with me for getting on with my life.

Its funny how folk expect you to fall to pieces, not realising you’ve fallen to pieces many time on the road to ending the marriage. By the time he left I was so ready to get on with my life - yes I’ve been sad and there have been difficult days but I’m not falling apart. You’ve made a difficult decision and deserve compassion and empathy, you don’t need to be falling apart to prove it’s hard.

We've still not had any discussion here about divorce, finances, him buying his own home etc although he did mention to the kids the house he is thinking of buying. My heart sank and I was sad for a bit. Even though its for the best, we're over, the finality of it will hit me hard, once I get that news thats when I can start to properly grieve and heal. It doesn't matter how ok I am, I know that will set me back. Its only normal as I've been with him since I was 16. Its so confusing being sad over something that you want! I am thrilled that you're thriving @FootDown2022, you've shed your tears already and who cares what they think, they'll always find something to dislike you over

I know this feeling my marriage was over mentally at least two three years before I left I cried in those years I’d had enough. So well done you for being strong the ex in-laws can get stuffed now.

We decided we want to separate ar the beginning of this week and it's so hard. We still love each other, but we don't make each other happy and haven't done so for a long time. We're on good terms and it's very amicable at the moment. We also seem to have similar expectations of how we'd like to share custody of DD and split our finances.

I'm just dreading telling my Dad and am holding off for the time being. My Dad's terminally ill and having chemotherapy. It's really knocking him about and I don't feel it would be fair to tell him yet. I've going round to see Dad shortly and I'm dreading having to put a brave face on and pretend everything's normal. Plus our DD is at my in laws this weekend, so it's been a bit strange being in the house just the two of us.

It's good to read other people's experiences, as this is a very lonely time.

There is a lot of problem drinking in exH's family but no divorce and I think my MIL thinks I should have just accepted the drinking and got on with it for the sake of outward respectability, especially when we were financially comfortable. I think exH thought that by being a high earner he somehow could buy the right to be a dickhead.

I get the finality of it all @ThePredictableScript It’s over, and I have to keep saying that to myself to give my head a wobble and remind myself I am 100% a better person without him.

I had had a good few days but last night STBEXH is being a wank badger about telling DC about his new GF (who in his eyes, isn’t his new GF 🙄) He’s text book of the self-fulfilling prophecy, as he’s told himself that many times he’s not formalised the relationship that in his absolute mind, they’re not together and she’s not the reason we’re over, even quoting that he’s only seen her X amount of times in the last few weeks (he was at her house for over 5 hours and I caught him there!)

I’m over it all. Every time I get my anxiety back under control, a text from him spins me off again, and I question my entire marriage, him, me, and all my faults (I’m working on why I keep doing that!)

I just want DC to know because the chance of them finding out is very high & I don’t want to lie to them anymore.

@bethatgirl think you need to check with solicitor. With our paperwork we did just put our annual incomes down though, not bonus. My ex has a bonus which comes to several thousands a year.

Eek I'm out out tonight.. last time 4 weeks ago I ended up crying into my gin at the end of the night "he has no remorse sob", 4 weeks later lets hope I'm better!! I have no idea how people distract themselves with partying, it makes me feel more lonely and in pain🥺 but at the start of the year I did nothing for me, had no fun, just cried and cried. This time I'm moving forwards and breaking out of my comfort zone. Starting rebuilding my life. Creating my new normal. Hope everyone is having a nice weekend so far.

Lovely hibernation day for me Friday night and Saturday I have treats pizza for tea today sweets tonight. Blankets and throws box sets.

Tomorrow is my year anniversary since this entire shit show started. My kids are with him today. He walked away from them for months and I'm missing them terribly. I work full time to keep the roof over our heads and I've worked damn hard to not let my eldest notice a difference in his life (in terms of going without). We've been away this year, carried on with days out, Christmas is as per normal. I feel like I just drop my youngest places, no quality time and now the little time I do have, I have to share them.
They are only gone for the day and it's killing me. Over nights start after Christmas and the thought of coming home to an empty house with now beautiful rosey cheek to kiss goodnight is hurting me deeply

@bethatgirl I wanted to say regarding Christmas that my first Christmas after ex did his disappearing act was dreadful. I had a small Christmas tree that kept falling over and every time it did I would cry, as to me it just represented everything that was so awful.

Straight after Christmas I ordered a decent artificial tree in the sales. I swore that my second Christmas would be better. I kept that brand new tree in my shed all year. When the time came to put it up I felt so empowered. I had taken steps to improve things and invested in my own happiness.

This will be the seventh Christmas since ex left. The tree is up and looks gorgeous. I bloody love that tree because it represents me moving on and making a life for myself.

So, a long way of saying, even if this Xmas is shit, promise yourself that next year will be better. Allow yourself to grieve but take note of what triggers the most misery and look to change it so that next year you will be in a better place.

@OhamIreally that’s lovely to hear and very inspiring 😊

@OhamIreally right, I’m buying a new tree in the sales! Mine is leaning, it’s small and I hate it too. It was our second one that we used to put up in the dining room and we’d buy a big massive real one for the living. Well I wasn’t doing that this year so have put this shitty one up, it’s fine, it looks lovely but it’s represents me - just about standing up and all happy on the outside!

Last year was the 1st Xmas that I had to put up all the decorations and tree by myself. Quite honestly, I made me feel that all along he had made some a big deal about it. And still didn't do it right sometimes. So I threw out all lights that didn't work and got on with it. Took me awhile longer but bloody hell , it was not the big fuss he always made of it. So yet another thing that I do not miss .

Ugh went out last night, I didn't cry so that was good, I watched what I drank, but I felt flat. No man caught my eye when I was window shopping. It was quite depressing and I was home by 11. I just hope this time next year I'm in a completely different place but the pain in the process is part of it I guess. Love the christmas tree story🥰 I hope all of us next christmas are so happy and healed. We are so strong and deserve so much more.

Another awful day, husband is still here and helping me Ebay as much of my personal stuff as possible to raise the funds so that I can pay the financial advisor and solicitor to take him off the mortgage, so he can move in the new year. I start a Sunday job next week, so that will help with the finances a little bit. He is only being helpful in things that will make his departure faster and easier for him. I am so torn up inside, I don't care about the stuff so much as that he won't discuss any kind of ways to work things out between us, 3 weeks ago I thought we were both happy. I am unwisely taking our xmas holiday alone, it is costing far to much, it's only in Devon but all inclusive entertainment and meals and I just couldn't bear to lose the large deposit we had paid. How I will pay for it I don't know yet. Trying really hard to take on day or even one hour at a time and failing miserably most of the time. I don't understand how he can be so cold hearted when our lives are being ripped apart at the seams, and we are each other's only family.

@butterflyandbees in the kindest way I would advise you not to go on the Devon holiday alone.

I know you don't want to "waste" the deposit but if you have more money to pay out at a time you can't afford it it will make things worse.

The main reason I would advise not going is that being surrounded by happy families celebrating the season will make you feel absolutely wretched. I think it will be torture for you and you will regret having gone.

I also second not going on holiday alone Butterfly. I took me and the kids on holiday at the start of the year, well not really, I got there and started crying when we was sat eating, then the kids cried. Then we went back to the hotel room where we cried some more, I ended up driving home an hour later. Was there literally an hour. It was 4 hours and I was scared of driving on motorways (was too dark for country roads and my lights was out) but it was less scary than doing that holiday. The drive seemed a breeze! That day was traumatic. I went away last week but with a friend and I was ok, she knew I would be a bit flat and I was prepared for it. I would say the money you will lose isn't worth your mental health. Maybe treat yourself next year like the lady did with the tree, make it your mission to go next year. Alone or with someone else, you will be so further along in your healing journey, you will be proud and its something to aim for

I am also not going on holiday this Christmas (also booked between Christmas and new year, we’ve moved it and DH is taking DC next year) I couldn’t do it, I want to be in my home with friends near by. I didn’t care about the deposit as it was the same amount of money again to settle up, so easier to lose what has already been spent, vs spending even more (plus spending money, fuel etc when there) @butterflyandbees can you re arrange it for next year?

@ThePredictableScript well done for going out. I’ve got my works do this weekend and I’m in two minds to go or not. May drive, so that I can come away on my terms. Got some amazing colleagues who know what’s going on, and will support me. I’m quite senior at work and me being off has been a shock for people, but more out of concern as I’m normally the one there for everyone else! There is a part of me that wants to go to say I’ll be back in the New year and I’m ok (ish).

Please don’t get into debt for holiday you really don’t need this stress hugs.