Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

@Always4Brenner yes, me too, cards from the kids on birthdays etc, ex was crap at all that. To be fair I'm sure his mum knows what he's like and has some level of understanding. Who knows what he's been saying about me though.....

HI Script, I am feeling better than the very early days, but not understanding or getting closure is hard, he leaves on 15th, so I have had time to start accepting the inevitable. I have been reading "runaway husbands" by Vikki Stark and that has helped realise why so many men completely close off and change personality when they decided to leave. Vikki in on YouTube and is my go to when I feel really scared of the future. I am pleased to hear you are able to keep your business, is it definitely a big loss for me, but I saved myself from the raging anger that would have been directed at me if I tried to fight for business or pension. I am feeling blah as well, mostly numbing myself out on Netflix or going to bed really early. Fighting the urge to buy crap to try to numb the pain, as money is so tight it won't help me feel better. I have heard good things about Cambridge plans, so that is a really positive step, here's to a great Summer for all of us going through painful break ups.

@bethatgirl love that you've been flirting! Same thing has happened this end, unexpected, flattering but also equally freaked me out as I don’t know how to be single. A bit of tame fun at the min but I think if I’m ask to go one step further, I’m not read at all (although hornier than ever!) It has given me some normality at the end of Jan, when the rest of the moment was awful, truly terrible from a MH point of view and STBEH being nasty and spiteful. All has calmed now but it’s something I’ll not forget (feels more unforgivable than his affair).

@Always4Brenner @NotReallySure same here with family of STBEH. They’ve closed ranks and I am 12 weeks in and only just coming to some terms with it, but it hurts that I’m cut out so easily and made to feel like I’ve done something wrong (he’s ended it, he’s had an affair). It’s like I’m being punished for my reaction to him leaving (my behaviours have been brought into question by him, therefore by them when in reality, I’ve behaved in a normal way and not over reacted). I’ll also be the bad guy and I have to accept I can’t change their mind, despite doing nothing wrong.

@ThePredictableScript you need to find some sort of adventure! As you say, being meh is because you’re bored. I’ve joined a FB group for single women who walk and want adventures, but don’t want to walk on their own. Trips to peak district, snowden etc Not participated yet but going to sign up and meet a bunch of strangers. I’ve also joined a netball practice, not committed to every week, but I can dip in and out if I haven’t got my DC. I’m still weightlifting too and that gives me something to do without DC here (last night I had to get the rage out of me!). All that said, I get bored and restless. I can’t pinpoint it - everything done that can be done and I’m unable to relax.

@butterflyandbees you are amazing. I know next week will be so hard but you’ve got this. There is nothing wrong with Netflix and nothing wrong with online browsing shopping. I know you’re not officially divorced, but say if he lost the business / it went bust, he wouldn’t have any come back to your assets would he (house?) regardless of him signing it over to you?

My update is within the above. STBEH is just not being nice. We’ve had a conversation last night and he’s just being cold. Have asked him to not come into the house unless I know he’s coming and he’s shut down the conversation and put the phone down. I want to change the locks but house is ours not mine so legally don’t think I can (anyone know?) I’m so disappointed in him and his behaviours. It’s coy, subtle and nasty in one. I never thought he was manipulating but that’s what’s coming across now. And I hate my DC see and know we’re barely talking, it makes me really sad as we’d promised we wouldn’t do that.

I left the marriage as technically I’d done wrong fell in love with a scammer but had been unhappy for years. 2021 Christmas I was so unhappy was holothane here and said about another grumpy Christmas weed money etc. so yes though I was wrong today I’ve never been happier. I’m no longer doing everything for a grumpy man who’s got worse over the years. All the joy had gone I was a hamster on a shell. Today my life is happy I’ve debts to pay but they won’t last forever. Best thing though I’m getting a cake made for our centre here when I go down to London they can celebrate the cake will have To Kill a Mockingbird
11th March 2023 photos taken and a huge photo book made of this happy time December 2022 and March 2023 then loads of photos off Mathew Modine even me and best friend who I’ve known for 30 years. We’ve seen birth marriage divorce the lot.alcoholic husband my first my 2nd marriage and it’s truths. Sexless depression the grumpiness. So I can carry on with the ex in-laws they’re loss. Hugs for everyone suffering and those starting this journey I’m nearly 4 months in.

I mean without the ex in-laws. It hurt me at first now I no longer care.

I haven't been to the thread in a while but just wanted to update that my divorce was finalised last week 🥳🥳

Congrats, @prettygreenteacup! How do you feel?

@EmptyInsidetothecore I think we are in the same boat, I am super horny but I think if my very shy and decent crush (who might not even be interested) did make a move I would run a mile. It's terrifying!

@Always4Brenner my in-laws don't know yet (because the children don't know until something is going to change). It's a weird situation.

@butterflyandbees you are sounding so much stronger than in the early posts on here. Fuck your XH!

So relieved! I was so happy the judge approved the consent order without any issues, and it was done before we could apply for the final order. It feels surreal in the best way that I am finally no longer his wife! We split 3 years ago after a horrendous few years of his terrible behaviour. Now I laugh that I got out and pity his new girlfriend, who thinks the sun shines out of his arse.

Amazing @prettygreenteacup sounds like the end result is the icing on the cake!

Delighted for you that new girlfriend will come down to earth soon.

@Always4Brenner @NotReallySure

I haven't heard from ILs since ex husband moved out - I found it really odd for a while - now I think maybe they feel ashamed and embarrassed and don't know what to say? But you'd think they'd at least drop me a text asking if I'm ok. But it's actually quite freeing not even bothering about them now

@EmptyInsidetothecore

My ex is still named on the mortgage but I've made him give back his keys. I know he can't have got a spare cut without my knowledge as they are the security ones which you have to give a code to get new ones and I lost the codes years ago 😂
I didn't think they could still access the house whenever they wanted even if they were on the mortgage???

I downloaded Bumble this evening but swiftly deleted it as it just felt really weird - guess that's sign I'm not ready at all! I'm so shattered with full time work and the twins and eldest that I can't see when I'd have the time or energy to meet someone.

Divorce wise I've just got to update my D81 and then print it for him to sign, same with the financial consent order the solicitor has now sent over.

Hello everyone, can I join the thread please? I can't sleep and desperate trying not to slip into a deep depression.

I'm 1 year into separation. The marriage was crumbling for a long time, so much stress from the lockdowns, working at home with a toddler, no childcare and no support network. I moved out with my son a year ago. Ex gave the silent treatment for months once he knew I was planning to leave. He ignored me everyday for years before that, I just didn't realise and kept on nagging him why. We tried marriage counselling. He actually said to me during counselling that he decided not to talk to me anymore because I was too angry. Yes I had anger issues in the past and really tried to change my outlook and way of dealing with things through counselling. Mainly I used to blow up from frustration from being stonewalled. Not that I am proud of it and I'm sorry for my reactions every day. I got very sick during covid and then saw how he ignored me through my illness.

We co parent now but I still do 99% of everything for my son. He is clueless but at least willing to help and and never says no to requests like if I need to swap days due to work schedule, though I obviously try to minimise asking him anything. He went nearly a whole year without paying towards my son and I finally had to ask him for a monthly contribution which he now pays. Ditto overnights which he now does happily. Its odd how someone can be so passive. I don't have much support IRL. I've reconnected with friends and tried to make new friends. I really am just finding my feet. I have no idea what to do next about legal side. We have never had a proper conversation about the marriage ending as he was ignoring me, fobbing me off with a promise to talk that never came before I left and he now acts like just a babysitter, like nothing has happened and we were never married! I am feeling very lost.

Thanks for reading, sorry for rambling. Hope everyone is OK.

You’ve got this @Springtimesoon one year on you need to focus on you. This is your year to learn to love you.

silent treatment is an awful form of emotional abuse. It’s saying to you (daily) your opinions, views, thoughts are not valid and are ignored. It’ll have psychologically affected you. Have you sort therapy? Perhaps that might help you.

I also think that if ex is a waste of space, dial down your expectations. You’re on your own, you have your son full time and anything he does provide is a bonus.

sorry you’re feeling rubbish

Welcome @Springtimesoon you’ll get there start thinking of yourself you’re a great mum as your son get older you’ll find it should be easier. Hugs.

funny one for me today I blocked deleted as soon as, as I do now with scammer attempts to whew; me back in. I’ve been poorly this last week or so much better just the last stages. So why is my head all over the place I can rethink all the evidence I’ve seen count down 30 days to March 11th. What is wrong with me? Have done house work bits today so will go down for a cuppa soon in the lounge.

Hi @Springtimesoon - welcome to this thread. Sounds like you had to put up wit a lot from your ex- I think most people would become frustrated in the face of being stonewalled and treated the way you described. Don’t be hard on yourself- his behaviour that you have described is abusive. Well done for leaving and making a better life for you and your son. Sorry it is tough for you right now.

The ins and outs of divorce are really daunting- I am just about coming to grips with it now. Advice Now tells you about the process and has free step by step guides for each aspect and helps you to minimize costs. You can file for a ‘no fault’ divorce yourself, online. It costs £550ish (can’t remember exact figure) but you probably need legal advice if you need to sort out joint assets like the family home, formalize childcare arrangements and maintenance etc. Ring around for legal advice , lots of solicitors will do this for a set fee and will give you 30-60 mins free consultation to talk through your case and to give you a sense of if they are the right person for you.

Are you able to speak to your ex and agree/ come up with a plan? You can file and start the ball rolling without his agreement. If he doesn’t cooperate it’s on him and will be viewed dimly by any judge dealing with the case.

Its a lot to get your head around. I am four months in and haven’t filed for divorce yet, but have spent a bit of time getting to understand the process. Like most exes on here, mine is a total dick, so need to sort out a few financial things first- once we have agreed I will be filing away!

@prettygreenteacup congratulations on your divorce! I am worried about how I will feel when the day comes. I have not had a single moment of wanting to be back with the ex. It just feels like a big thing- not sure why. I will feel weird keeping my married name too, instinctively I would like to change back to my original name, but don’t want a different name from the kids and it would be a total sin in the arse professionally.

I am still in touch with MIL- I feel a bit sorry for her. She is elderly and has early dementia and ex has always been crap at popping in and keeping up with her, she’s only around the corner. I am close to my BILs too. I guess this will dwindle over time. It’s sad as my parents are dead and my closest sister died quite young 5 years ago. I have other siblings, but ILs have always been close too.

I keep on downloading dating apps, browsing and deleting them. Could really do with some No strings attached sex, but am not sure if I am quite ready yet. On the plus side I have lost a ton of weight due to stress and am fit due to all the swimming and jogging I have been doing to try and get rid of the huge amounts of anger I feel towards ex…this month I do feel better for it- am having a few weeks off alcohol, have quit smoking and am eating well. The anger is lessening and I feel mostly calm and happy in myself. And grateful to not be with that total fuckwit I was married to for so long. That’s a daily blessing 😂

@isthistheendtakeabreath I did the same with bumble 😆 a friend recommended it to me.. I joined then deleted the app when men started contacting me!

Yet more lies have transpired this week, I'm so cross with myself as I'd been softening a little .. I've lost a lot of sleep lately going over and over stuff. Tips on how to get past this shit show most welcome.

Haha another one here who downloaded Tinder.. and then swiftly deleted it😂 one guy who I matched with sent me a really rude message the next day saying "if you're not going to communicate then just unmatch me!", like whattt.. red flag. I didn't speak to anyone as I chickened out and after that message deleted it. I also went to Butlins 80s weekend, was getting close to someone there.. well eye contact ha and then when he came over to talk to me I froze. Like who even am I?! I used to be so flirty and confident. Definitely working on this before entering dating. Its probably just because I'm not ready. @threeandmeandthedog sounds like you are slaying 💅💪 fantastic!

Hugs to you @Springtimesoon it is so hard when you've got a knobhead ex, you're dealing with all your trauma from the relationship and doing everything yourself. By the time we applied for the divorce, we'd been separated two years (although the marriage had been dead for 5 years prior) and I felt able and ready to tackle the process. Even so, I still ended up signed off for three weeks from work with stress and overwhelm during it, when sorting out the financial order. Just take it a day at a time and take care of yourself.

For all the ladies talking about dating apps, only you know when you're really ready and even when you are, it is scary AF! It's been a long process for me of healing and learning to trust again...but, for some positivity, I can tell you there ARE some gems out there - I met my boyfriend in Hinge and we've been together nearly 18 months. I'm very in love and have everything I never did in my marriage! But, I was ready to date, we clicked instantly, and the scary parts felt easier because of him and how he loved me through it. There are happy endings out there!

@prettygreenteacup so happy for you- sorry you had to marry a frog first, but hey ho. Glad you have found someone who gives you what you need. There is light at the end of the long and winding tunnel.

@prettygreenteacup aw thats lovely to hear 🥰 if I didn't have kids I would be dating straight away I think, living my best life but when I was on the apps, I felt guilty for them I doubt anyone would ever be good enough to bring into their life or even worse, I meet someone and become infatuated and my kids suffer as I'm not as present. Arrhh. Probably need therapy for this as otherwise I will never move on. Thats why I put up with so much shit, to keep my family together. I love reading on here (other threads) of women who found amazing second husbands and had positive blended family experiences.

@ThePredictableScript I have two kids too! My ex and I do 50/50 which made dating way easier, it felt very easy to keep my new relationship and kids very separate as we didn't introduce him to them for 10 months, until we both felt totally comfortable with it. But we also found that the separation meant we paced our relationship in the right way, it was a natural rhythm to when we saw each other and then over my weekends with the kids we would go 5 days apart each time. That time apart actually kept my "infatuation" side of it in check, and it never became unhealthy or meant i wasnt present with the kids. I was only ever going to introduce a man to them once I knew it would be serious and that he was all-in. It could have taken longer than a year but we both concluded we were totally sure at that point!

What I have found surprisingly easy about starting over again is the confidence that came with knowing I have my life established already. I saw dating as a huge bonus and anyone I met would be a beautiful addition to my life, but I knew I did not need someone. Even now, if anything went tits up I know I have my life - a home, financial independence, a job, friends. And I would be alright. Makes the dynamics so different to feeling like you have to be with someone. We are together because we choose each other!

Absolutely- my life crumbled in 2016 when all the shit in my marriage started. At that point I never thought I'd be here in 2023!! It does end ❤️

@prettygreenteacup

Yes one of the lads I was talking to at work today - late 20s I think - said Hinge was better 😂 god feels weird taking online dating advice from someone 10 years younger 😂

It's just not what I'm used to I suppose - this online way of meeting people.

I just can't see why someone would want to date a single mom of 3 who always has the kids and usually asleep by 9! I'd maybe be able to meet up midweek for a walk or coffee or a weekend day time but that's it. My life is so intrinsically linked to my children's I can't imagine then keeping the two worlds apart for months (years)

I can totally see where you're coming from, I think the custody arrangement I have with my ex really made it so much easier. I have Monday and Tuesday night without them every week, and then every other weekend from Friday morning. So on my weekends where I don't have the kids, I am free from Friday through to Wednesday.
So it gave us plenty of time to see each other and build our relationship before he met my kids and the two parts of my life could stay separate until we felt ready to introduce - and then we did it gradually.

Well I'm glad I mentioned the bit of flirting I've got going on now! Wasn't sure whether to or not! I also downloaded Bumble, and quickly deleted in a panic!! How funny a few of us feel like that and have done the same! What I want is some no strings casual sex too, and had kind of agreed it with this colleague but it's fizzling down a bit which hasn't been great!

@butterflyandbees you are doing amazingly well considering!

@ThePredictableScript there is some boredom around this and feeling meh. It would be good if we could all meet up somewhere like the Facebook walking group!

Welcome @Springtimesoon. It is thoroughly shit this rollercoaster. I fully expect to still be feeling rubbish 1 year on!