Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

No flings even for me I simply can’t be bothered I’d rather be happy on my own with my dreams fanfics crushes no one gets hurt.The thought of a man in here now just makes me 🤮 he’d be jealous of all my Brenner posters 😂😂😂😂😂tough shit my bedroom my home. Loving doing my home with nice things it will take years as I save on such a tight budget but once scammer debts cleared oh my I’ll be rich not rich but rich to me as so used to do little. My huge godsend has been the frost free freezer means. I can plan meals cook in slow cooker casserole etc. hugs all,of you writing helps a lot.

The lack of insight of these men into the impact of their behaviour is astounding.

@threeandmeandthedog I have used the word astounded so many times these last few weeks. I feel I have more awareness, emotional intelligence and general intelligence than 1% of my STBEH’s brain, and that’s the astounding part- I thought he was so intellectual for so many years and he’s just not!

Valentine’s Day - I’m not a fan, I’ve never celebrated it as feel it’s highly commercial and environmentally unfriendly with all the tat people buy 🤭 I never really liked mothers or Father’s Day either, but interestedly I had thought of Mother’s Day this year as who’s going to buy me something. DC have got their own cash cards so just need to hint to them closer to the day 😂

It’s gone quieter and calmer this week which after a few weeks of hell from STBEH, and that’s been nice. Divorce application has been submitted & now we wait. Despite being told the divorce process numerous times, I still don’t get it.

If anyone has a simpleton way of explaining this to me, I’m all ears!

I have also been productive this week having got in touch with an independent financial advisor (IFA) who’s been amazing at signposting to other aspects I hadn’t considered (eg new Will, current life assurance policy on our current joint mortgage). He’s also found me a better mortgage adviser too. I need to protect myself as I have got savings / equity and need to know where best to invest it for my DC in the future. The Will discussion was so strange - I need to think how much my money goes to DC, who are trustees and executors and who’ll have them if STBEH dies first, and then if I do! So morbid but originally this would have been his family, and now, i don’t feel the same way about them. Decisions, decisions!

@EmptyInsidetothecore another thing to do with finances is changing the names person who your work pension goes to should you die. You can take your ExH name off it and put your DC or whoever in instead.

Another thing I have done for finances is get insurance in case I am unable to work due to illness. It kicks in after my 6 months of wrk sick pay runs out , meaning I get another year of nearly full pay if I need it.

Advice Now Divorce Guide is good for understanding the process of divorce. Still don’t get it entirely but imagine I will be an expert in 6 months time 😂 . Haven’t filed yet as waiting to be paid and for Ex to get his shit together re finances… may be a long wait.

Thanks for the link, I need to start this process off. The divorce is one thing .. the financial order is going to be the tricky part!! I'm still in bed drinking tea debating weather I start the diy or go swimming ☺️ I hate this lonely house thing!

I have an empty house today too - and still
pottering about in my pjs. I’m going to clean my bedroom, change the bedding etc and clean my en-suite. Both are spaces my cleaner doesn’t do and I want to sort out my clothes etc.

I've booked the cinema for later this afternoon as a treat, will take a nice coffee in with me and relax. I have pizza for dinner and a craft project to work on this evening. Trying to see the time without kids as time for me to do stuff I wouldn’t otherwise get to, and I always plan something for me - cinema, lunch with friends, lovely bath with nice bath oils and candles etc.

Things moving along here. Solicitors my end have started drafting the financial consent order now - I'd say around 65/35 in my favour. I keep my pensions (which are significantly more than his). I'll pay him his share of the "assets" in 3 years when twins start school.

But I've also done something a bit crazy...... we had 2 embryos left in storage with the IVF clinic and I paid for another years storage. Deep down I always wanted to use them and had hoped to do a transfer this year but I know that won't happen now. But I can't seem to let them go. I had 5 miscarriages and 2 ruptured ectopics before the twins and I just can't bring myself to destroy them after everything I went through to make them

But he did tick the box to say I can use them in the Event of his death or being declared mentally incapacitated......here's hoping!! 😂

Has anyone else had IVF embryos to think about during a divorce?

@isthistheendtakeabreath my BIL and SIL had embryos left (and had one child). SIL did want to use them for a while but in the end she didn’t.

Feeling a bit stuck here just waiting waiting for financial information. It looks like I am going to have to rent for a year (at least), which is really hard because it’s much as a mortgage, but when i have a mortgage i will have a tenant to help!

I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels clueless about the process.

Going through the meditation process for finances now split over 4 months ago. To be honest just want this concluded and then to go forward properly with my life. Hoping it’s not drawn out !!

Plus want to start enjoying myself which I haven’t done since before the kids were born then meet the real love of my life 🙈😂😂!

How's everyone doing? I'm finding this one shitty rollercoaster. Kids back today, they seem angry and upset. Hard to manage, ex is clearly the "fun" one. He's saying we're not ready for mediation, we have nothing further to discuss re kids (no parenting agreement), I'm paying half of everything despite having massively lower income than him and so have nothing left by the end of the month. He's costing me a fortune with lawyers as he won't do mediation. He won't get the house valued or let me buy out half out second car. And 50/50 childcare is so fucking painful. Anyone else having a shitty week? Sometimes I feel so positive!

@NotReallySure what an arsehole he is! Can definitely relate to it being a rollercoaster and missing the kids. I'm sat here alone and just thinking back to a few years ago when we was one happy family. Its so shit its come to this. I'm generally ok though. Quite happy actually. I do however get lows when the kids go 3 nights a week. I'm sure in time I'll find stuff to do. Financially and everything ex has been really good, not even took a cushion from the house, still does me favours when my car breaks or need his van etc. The real test will be when I buy the house off him as I have to offer significantly less.. fingers crossed he takes it. Hope you're all ok ❤️

That sounds terrible, @NotReallySure. I'm sure the fun dad thing will wear off over time though.

Good luck with your offer, @ThePredictableScript.

Zero progress here. Partly situational, because I am retraining while working so never have time for anything. But also I thought he had requested a pension valuation and it turns out he hasn't. I need the pension valuation as my first step, and especially the details about whether I can only claim it as a pension from that company or whether I can transfer it to my own pension, which would then allow me to borrow a set amount for a house deposit.

I am so tempted to rent so I can move out asap (and because I have a teeny tinyok, massivecrush that I think might turn into something if things were less messy, ie I had my own place!) but rent is more than a mortgage would be and I only have a contract until the end of the summer, so I might be looking at ANOTHER YEAR living together. It's been six months already.

Note to self: don't use dashes!

I'm plodding along furnishing a new home and trying to stay positive. It's his weekend this coming weekend, I hate not having the children with me.. BUT I have lots of DIY tasks but zero motivation to do them!! If I'm honest I think I've hit a low point, my marriage is down the shitter and by no fault of my own, that's pisses me off somewhat. Doesn't help he's still trying to crack on with me at every given opportunity like I'm some sort of object ffs 🤦‍♀️ I can only assume his dick is his brain and he has zero respect for all women. I keep thinking about growing old alone, I never wanted that! I didn't get married to end up like this. I know I won't ever trust anyone else and have absolutely no desire to even try dipping my toe at my age. I going to focus on my swimming more to give myself an outlet before I sink into a hole of depression. This certainly is a rollercoaster of emotions!

I'm doing OK-ish. Don't really speak to STBEXH unless I have to re kids.
Had a really rough time in Jan, non stop crying.
Someone at work has been flirting with me massively, and am considering having a bit of fun which has helped hugely!! I wasn't even looking and it wasn't on my radar at all! But I'm just not sure I'm ready, although the flirting has been fun. I can highly recommend 😂.
All the lows do come to an end, and I hope the offer goes well @ThePredictableScript

@NotReallySure

that all sounds really hard. Do you still have a key to the house - could you get it valued without him? I believe you can apply to the courts for a forced sale. Maybe remind him that mediation is far cheaper than going through courts.

Arguing with STBXH today I generally have little contact and divorce is being sorted. After nearly 5 months he’s still in deluded world were he clearly blames me for him being an absent father and multiple affairs! Honestly I got really really angry, I mean when is he actually going to wake up !

These men seem to blame everyone but themselves @Nelly10 , mine the same. I guess we're supposed to put up with shit to keep their lives as they want them!
Thanks @Stayingstrongish , I have thought of getting it valued but he won't take anything less than full survey and that costs money, and I don't have that! He doesn't really get what mediation is I think, I've tried selling it as the cheaper option. Not sure if he's thinking I'll just give up eventually!!
Good luck @ThePredictableScript
Rental prices are crazy @NCindespair , my parents lent me money for deposit, but anything to get out the house if you can afford it, it's at least some pressure off when you have your own place x

I realise how tired I get after speaking to him especially if he won’t listen but it’s short these days just bill advice. The in-laws were well his now as I must think of them were going to have anniversary cards and present in November but no contact with me so why should I bother.

@Always4Brenner it's exhausting, isn't it. I was trying to make an effort to still have a relationship with my STBEXH family, but have stopped bothering too as they have all completely closed ranks and want nothing to do with me. You'd think they'd stay civil for the kids' sake.

@NotReallySure I doubt legally he can put it off forever, but how frustrating that he is dragging it out and costing you both more money. Grrr!

They’ve blanked me since last September once they realised I was going and meant it. No kids here but I’m past caring now no Mother’s Day stuff either or birthday presents I did all that so unless he sorts it they’ll get nothing.

I am in the slightly better position in that my house has now been re-mortgaged in my name only and he has just exchanged on the house he is purchasing. I had to pay out over a thousand pounds to do this with solicitor and land registry. I agreed to everything he wanted to save on legal expenses and long drawn out battles. Fortunately he kept his promise to lease me a car through his business as my "redundancy package" as I had to give him my share of our joint business and start working cleaning and shop jobs. Luckily he wanted nothing to do with the house and that is the one thing I am grateful for in spite of losing my own business and access to his pension. We did our own contract whereby neither of us are responsible for the other's debts and neither of us can have anything of each other's assets. If he wants to divorce I have agreed to sign papers without legal intervention as all the financial stuff is now sorted. No children involved in this mess he has created. It has been hard to give up the business I worked 10 years to help him build, but my anxiety could not cope with courts and fighting things out. Sadly I still wish none of this were happening and that he wasn't leaving me to move hundreds of miles away and I still have no idea why. He told me my closure is I have no closure!!

@butterflyandbees how are you feeling now? I remember you were really shocked and disraught at first. Are you feeling a bit stronger now? I hope my separation will go similar to yours financially except I'm keeping my business and will just have to accept dealing with him daily via messages over this. I feel really blah atm.. not high on life as I have been on good days, not low and distraught like on initial bad days, just meh. Blah. A bit bored probably but boring people get bored. I've just joined cambridge weight plan for my summer body and hoping for a good summer. This is just the cacoon, healing, building stage I hope. Hope all are ok❤️