Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

Thank you everyone. It still feels very raw. Dh has sorted somewhere to move to short term and was talking about how I will have to now pay half the mortgage and look for a better paying job and full time hours. No consideration with how I'm supposed to magic a much better paying job yet still do all the school runs, manage the house etc, take Dc to all his regular hospital appointments.

I kept quiet and didn't agree to anything, just we would discuss that when required. Slow the process down.

Time to get my head around the finances asap.

My STBXH is still here, living in the house, our exchanges of contract go through on Friday, so he will soon be moving on to his new house, sight unseen and I will be staying in my home and paying the bills alone, I have picked up bits and pieces of extra work, but am worried about the future and how I will cope. The shock of his buying a house behind my back and only telling me when he realised he couldn't complete without his name being removed from our joint property is still causing me a lot of distress. The fact that he had been acting like a normal loving husband while hunting for a new place to live is just shocking to me. How could he put on such an act and keep up the pretence of loving me.
I don't know if there is OW, he says not and I don't really care anymore. It the lies and the coldness that get to me. Once he announced he was leaving me he changed immediately. There was no sign of unhappiness, no talks about anything wrong in the marriage. Just the sudden announcement after 16 years together. I don't think I could ever trust another man, how would I know if he was acting or not. My husband certainly deserves an Oscar for his performance, I thought he loved me with all his heart.

Definitely OW.
Or OM.

The end is near and I know it doesn’t feel like it, but you really need this closure of him leaving. I will warn you, I think you’ll feel worse before you feel better as it will feel like your heart breaking all over again. But honestly @butterflyandbees, this is what you need.

You can run the house and pay the bills, you wouldn’t have got the mortgage otherwise. You are strong and will trust again one day. I know it doesn’t feel it (and I feel the same way too) but even being single and happy, will be better than being with someone who can hurt you so badly.

I have said it before, I do think he has someone; he’s on point with the typical script with his treatment of you and turning off his feelings overnight. As you say, you’ll never know and you shouldn’t care, that’s the kind of thing that’ll eat you up.

hugs 🤗

Thank you, I appreciate your kindness, both on and off MN, you are a really wonderful mum and I admire how you have put your DD first and foremost in every difficulty you have faced.
BasicDistinct
Your comment made me laugh and you may well be right!

My exH is still campaigning for another chance with me. He loves me and he feels I need to understand that he's just very, very sensitive and he really needs me to focus on his problems. Once I really put him first he'll be able to cope with life better and not binge drink. He knows we can be happy if I just try harder.
I recommended that he should have 6 more months of counselling before we discuss our relationship again.
I think I'll be going for a divorce eventually, he's never going to agree to mediation.

Gif off topic but asking for me and others who may wonder first valentines single I don’t want to be doom and gloom but ideas for treats I don’t drink don’t do Ron coms (exception married to the mob) budget tight but would love ideas. Everyone how are you doing? 0ne seek to go and January gone thank goodness.

I agree with @Emptyinsidetothecore, butterflies. I think you'll feel worse when he leaves initially, but only then you will be able to move forward.

I also worry about trusting again, but agree that it's better to be single and happy, than with someone you don't trust.

You've got this! X

@Always4Brenner special dates and old traditions are the hardest. If this is going to be a strange one for you I would think about looking at it differently this year and in a positive way if you can.

What I have learnt through this experience is that the basis of a healthy relationship is having self respect and a strong sense of self worth. So maybe this year is the year to celebrate you on Valentines? You are a strong woman and you are embarking on a new journey, step by step, and you are doing it no matter how daunting that may seem at times.

write yourself your own valentine? Remind yourself of your strengths and qualities and what you are grateful for?

Spend time doing something you love? For me that would be a long bath and a good book, possibly wine. Or a long walk? Or spending some time with people who you value and who value you?
Maybe buy yourself a nice meal- M&s valentines meal deals aren’t strictly for couples! Treat yourself to some flowers or chocolates. Do whatever makes you feel good and take solace in your strength.

You can tell I’ve been on the self help books but they do talk sense! 😛

Thank you favourite meal then prawns favourite films (Mathew Modine of course) and something red. Not wine

Might do it the day after cheaper flowers also something to look forward to on ‘my day’ as I’m going to call it. Brilliant ideas thank you

I'm not too bothered about the first Valentine's Day, at the moment, although how I'm going to stop myself brooding on his taking OW out then, I don't know.

It's my birthday around then and I think that will be harder.

I'm so cross today and just can't shake it off. This nit-picking over finances has tipped me over the edge. I've left everything behind.. took myself and our children out of our comfort zone into temporary accommodation and now moved into a new house which I'm slowly furnishing.. and he's sending me spreadsheets with his incurred costs ffs!! I want to scream at him - we left because you lived a double life whilst working away earning a shit load of money and I never see a penny. Honestly I'm done, I'm going no contact and taking the fucker to the cleaners. I was trying to be reasonable (god knows why).! Phew.. had to let that out 🤣

@rockingbird He is not being reasonable- so take him to the cleaners! There is absolutely no point in you being reasonable in the face of selfish deluded fuckwittery. You need to look after you and your kids. Well done for getting it out there!

I feel much less jittery after speaking to a lawyer and getting advice about finances as EX was being somewhat deranged in his financial demands. Now he is dragging his feet as he has no clue about money-so round in a circle he goes. I am just pulling out a comfy seat and getting the popcorn ready to watch the next part of this shit show that is divorce. Not lifting a finger to do another thing towards it until he pulls his lazy finger out and does what he needs to.

@Lieslies its really hard to stop brooding about the OW. What helps me (and I am so angry) is just reminding myself time and time again that she has done me the biggest favour and she’s landed herself a real catch, if a catch is a bad tempered alcoholic who is lazy, shit with money and puts his owns needs before everyone else's. Never really done Valentine’s Day, but will be grateful this year for being single and not attached to a total dickwad.

I'm actually looking forward to Valentine's Day. It's no longer false which is a huge plus for me. I'll buy myself some flowers, a nice cake and have a large cuppa to celebrate 🥰

The alternative, flowers sent to me by my cheating husband who gave zero fucks about me or his beautiful children, living abroad with another whore he's found to suck his dick half his age .. hmm 🤔

God I hope he dies lonely.! And yes today I'm angry.

Good for you @rockingbird enjoy your day, free of that arsehole!
It's my son's birthday on Valentine's day and luckily he's with me this year so that's all Valentine's is for me now. I'll probably take the high road and invite ex for cake that evening though. Not sure he'll come as he has so far refused to step foot in my house even to see the kids Christmas presents ....

@NotReallySure I'd do the opposite and not invite him at all. Send a picture of you both eating the cake 😆 caption: here's what you could have had. So lovely to have a valentines birthday!

I'm excited for valentines day too! Gonna treat myself to a nice massage or facial, some flowers and maybe some clothes. Hoping I'll be on some sort of glow up by then because as of yet there has been no divorce diet for me! Ive been mainly ok in regards to appetite. Especially since new year and him getting his house. As soon as he did that it was like all the weight dropped off my shoulders and I sprang to life. I think the limbo was what was unsettling me. Its over, I'm freeeee! Although still work with him every day and he finds more and more reasons to contact me. I'm VERY cold. I'm going away weekend to the Butlins 80s weekend🙈 and I'm going to be single! Can't wait! Hope you're all ok ladies, I love the fact that in 2 years from now we are all going to see why these dickhead men were removed from our lives. We are worth so much more.

Getting chocolate bombs for hot chocolate and a heart themed hot water bottle for valentines. Bits for bathroom as well, over the whole month of February. Everyone make sure you treat yourselves too, group hug.

@rockingbird I'm really not sure why I keep trying! For the kids I guess, Not that he does. But your idea sounds waaaaay better 😂
@ThePredictableScript 80s weekend sounds brilliant! Enjoy

Same with me not fake this year for at least 6 years! Fake flowers & expensive gifts which meant nothing it was all a lie !

I’ll buy my kids some chocs & maybe myself my own flowers 💐 best one in years!

I met up with a friend this evening who said that STBEXH had told her partner we were very amicable about our split 😂 My ex MIL said the same to me when I saw her recently 😱 I nearly fell off my chair. He really has no fucking clue! It has taken every ounce of my being to remain dignified and keep my shit together. I am doing it purely for the children and so we can sort out our finances. Once we are divorced I like to think I will tear a strip off him and tell him how it is. Maybe I won’t be bothered by them. Who knows? But for now I know I have to keep it on an even keel to get this all tied up. He is an emotionally stunted man child arse so it’s down to me. As usual.

Where to direct all this anger though? Swimming is helping, so is writing it down and talking to friends. But to think he thinks it’s all amicable?!!! He is fucking clueless. Another point to add to the very long list of reasons why I am well shot of him.

good to vent.

Vent away. I too am trying to remain dignified and take the high road. Stbexh is doing neither and is only thinking of himself. I think he's convinced himself that's he's in the right and the victim here and I deserve nothing from him, as apparently I've always been lazy and useless. No point getting angry/arguing just will let the lawyers do their bit and walk away free and happy! At the end of the day I think their pride has a lot to do with it, and the way they portray the split to others. Looking after yourself and exercise a great way to let off steam. I've started running (slowly!) Again.

@threeandmeandthedog it's good to vent, I'm becoming a master at it. Also gone back to swimming - the outdoor pool at 8am with steam coming off it is practically saving my sanity right now.

I have absolutely no idea what the stexh is telling others and frankly I don't care. I had a little cry in bed last night, it's suddenly hit me .. the enormity of it all. Me and the children have had one heck of a time. Would I have said at the ripe old age of 50 with two children both diagnosed with autism my life would have been turned upside down by the actions of my delightful husband? Not a chance.. 6 months ago I walked out of that house knowing we were never going back. I left everything behind, packed the car with a bag of clothes for us each and kept on driving..

Anyone ask themselves how they are still standing? I certainly do! Thing is we do.. we keep going, we have to. Whatever life throws at you just keep on putting one foot in front of the other. I remind myself often how strong I am, how far I've come. I'll never trust another living soul apart from myself and my children. Sadly the damage I didn't cause is deep and hurtful-does he see that..? Nope not at all.

Child free weekend.. I'm doing some DIY 🤩 I've bought this rather expensive wallpaper I'm going to attempt to hang! Anyone have any nice plans? I find keeping busy when the children are gone quite hard, but having a new house to make my own is keeping me pre-occupied.

@rockingbird swimming in a steamy outdoor pool sounds dreamy. Enjoy your diy weekend. My kids are with ex too so I am filling the weekend with long dog walks and catching up with girlfriends around the kitchen table and will try and factor in a swim or two. Weekends feel very long without the DC but I slowly learning to feel ok at being alone in the house (cats are good company) and appreciating time to myself. I will plan some nice meals for when the kids are back, bake something nice, clean the house, do a bit of work, read my book, watch some crap TV… now that I write it down I am feeling a lot more positive.

The lack of insight of these men into the impact of their behaviour is astounding. I actually feel sorry for them as they will be stuck in the same crappy cycles all thier lives if they aren’t able to reflect and move forward. Round and round in circles. How dull and pointless. I will never ever share my finances with another person or get married again and I will place my trust in myself in future and never rely on a man for anything. I think I will enjoy my own company for the time being, although a casual fling might be nice at some point… 😂