Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

My exH has 100% decided that he wants to get back together. He keeps asking to meet with me and when I say no he blows his top and says we're never going to mediation and he's going to drag a divorce out for years.
I don't believe he really wants to reconcile, I think he's just bored and frustrated at not being able to boss me around. I've contacted a counsellor and will hopefully be able to start counselling next week. I'm feeling worn down now.

@Emptyinsidetothecore what a wankbag douche dickhead prick tosser!!! It sounds like you are doing an amazing job though, protecting DC in this and managing to hold it together at work. Be proud of yourself. You have the high ground. He can either come and meet you there eventually, or not. His choice. But in the long run he'll only damage his own relationship with DCs if he doesn't. Kids aren't stupid and they'll wise up to it if he carries on like that.

@threeandmeandthedog absolutely agree: this is a tactic. People start being spiteful to the other person in a breakup because then they don't have to admit to themselves that their own behaviour has been poor, it's a way of transferring blame and shows that they are a weak person who cannot admit their mistakes and own them and the consequences like an adult. And once the ex-partner realises this, it is so freeing, because then you know for sure you absolutely made the right decision by ending it.

@ThePredictableScript nip that in the bud!!! What on Earth? Change the locks. How dare he just waltz into your house? You need to set some clear boundaries.

@bethatgirl glad you're having a better week.
Me and DCs have a hideous cold, all rather miserable!

@FootDown2022 your assessment of his behaviour seems absolutely spot on to me. Controlling, trying the blackmail you and threaten you. Yeah, sure, that'll make you want him back?! What an idiot. Well done for standing your ground.

@Always4Brenner just a happy wave to you and hope NY is treating you well! 👋

My exH has 100% decided that he wants to get back together.

What a shame it’s not his decision to make, throwing a tantrum and blackmail is such attractive behaviour - not. I know you’re feeling worn out but you’re doing so well recognising it for what it is.

Life would be easier if I could block exH but if I don't answer he sends messages by ourchildren or meets them to discuss my mental health. He's trying the line with them that he was a moderate drinker and I've blown it out of proportion. They lived with him too so know it's all BS. Oldest DC has gone almost no contact with him.
His threat to drag out a divorce is also ridiculous. I own my house and work full time. He's better off than me. The only thing to really sort is pensions. He would definitely be the loser if he dragged me to court instead of mediation.
When we were still living together he never expressed any concerns about my mental health and we never went out to dinner because weekends meant the pub for him. I don't know how he can be such a hypocrite.

@ThePredictableScript change the locks. For the first month after I kicked exH out he kept turning up and letting himself into the house so I took the keys off him. But at Christmas, when DC were visiting me, it turned out that there was a spare key in a shed that I had forgotten about. The DC had hidden it for emergencies years ago. ExH had remembered it and had being using it to enter the house when I was at work. It's absolutely a control thing.

@FootDown2022 it sounds like you are in a good position re divorce and he is clutching at straws. He is playing a classic game of trying to exert control on you because he can see you have take. Control on your own life and no longer need him. Just let him jog on with it. The judge won’t find it funny if he drags things out for no reason.

My STBEXH is a ‘functioning’ alcoholic- it’s just boring and sad. I feel sad that my DC see this side of their dad. Never without a can of lager in the evening. Steady drinker. Not outwardly drunk. But such a better person when not drinking. But of course all marriage problems were nothing to do with his drinking… hmm.

Those of you who share your kids 50/50, what pattern do you use? My DC are 12,14 and 15. They do Mon and Tue with me, We’d and Thur with dad and then EOW. I just want to come up with the smoothest arrangement that takes the stress out of it for them. I would miss them so much doing every other week but wondered if this works for people and is better for them?

@threeandmeandthedog we do the same pattern, I think it's good as not too much back and forth, but we're struggling a bit as mine are younger (4&6). I think it's generally a good pattern.
My littlest misses me so much when she's with her Dad. He's pretty tough on her.
Has anyone had any luck fighting 50/50 when kids are struggling? My ex will fight it to the bitter death and probably get quite nasty and manipulative. Not sure what's best for the kids, he has form for "coaching" them against me and has threatened to make up things to make me look bad. Don't want it to get any worse!

@NotReallySure , I am not sure of the legal process but we put together an informal parenting agreement on advice of the solicitor which I believe can be formalized and go to court to be agreed by judge if needed. In the agreement we put that we would not criticise other parent in format of kids etc. There are lots of pro formas for these on the internet. Am not sure of the formal process or how enforceable this is though- hopefully someone will come along soon who has experience.

My ex has the kids Tuesday/Wednesday overnight and every other weekend. It’s more too and fro than I’d like but it fits my working evenings. We’re fairly amicable so do swap with each other if something comes up. One thing that’s tricky is if the kids are off school they end up with me. In some ways that’s fair enough - I work part time and have a lot of flexibility and he has much less annual leave than I do but he never considers that I can’t cover every absence. Mind you that was no different when we were together so same old same old.

Thank you doing beautiful even with painful arthritis ex is having to learn how to budget I’ve done dates for him told him to slit money up and live fortnightly weekly if need be, but he knows best. At least now the dwp are leaving him alone. So looking forward To kill a Mocking Bird with Mathew as lead in March Christmas was my best for years. Saving now towards this years.

I made is quite clear to STBEXH on his leaving that I wouldn't be agreeing to 50/50 and I certainly wouldn't be giving up any Xmas days or birthdays. As far as I'm concerned he chose to leave, wasn't interested in fighting for our family, we certainly didn't have the worst marriage in the world, I did everything including earning all the money (and he'll unlikely ever find another woman as stupid as me who'll do the same again!), he chose to leave because he couldn't cope with family life and parenting young children (as well as his feelings towards the twins) so even when he does get his own place every other weekend at best and one night in the week for tea I'll be pushing for as a maximum unless any of the children actually come to me and specifically ask to see him more (doubt it). He can take me to court if he likes but I don't think he will given what he said I think he's too scared I'll reveal the truth to everyone about his real reason for leaving

My stbx are having 60/40 and I cannot wait tbh. He never lifted a finger. I managed him at work, then he came home, rarely spoke to any of us, cooked once in 5 years, did no housework, school runs only when I was sick.. now he has his own house hes gonna be doing all that 3x a week! And I have me time! Instead of being crushed by the weight of carrying everything. Gosh I do hope he gets a reality check. Hes an obese 40yo and really does think hes going to have flocks of women after him, he was always posting selfies etc. Really full of himself. Apparently on tinder now too. Onwards and upwards for me. I've been released.

My STXH never bothered with the kids I’ve brought them up on my own. He sees them for ‘fun times’ twice a week. I won’t be giving up Xmas either. He chose to have affairs then leave. He’s obsessed with social media too lots of woman after him as he’s such ‘a catch’ he’s a sad loser who I’m now free of!

@threeandmeandthedog I can't offer any wisdom on contact arrangements: because of ex-H's actions he will never see the children again until they are adults and they decide to do that. That has its own drawbacks - no breaks for me! - but it means they're safe any happy. And now I have some nannies who will babysit so can sometimes have dinner out with friends which is amazing. I hope you find a pattern that works for you and your DC.

It's all such a hard thing to navigate whatever the circumstances and everyone here is doing so well to move forward.

@Always4Brenner I'm so pleased you had a good Christmas. Stop worrying about your ex's problems now though and focus on you. Let him deal with his own issues.

I’m planning on the same pattern as you two, @threeandmeandthedog and @NotReallySure, so I will be interested in any future reports. Do the five days feel very long?

@threethreeandmeandthedog I do the same pattern as you, they do Mon, Tues night with their dad and Wed and Thurs with me, then EOW.
Kids seem fairly settled into it although I anticipate in the future we may shift things around if needed.

Thanks I will do. He phones less and less now only about bills. I no longer go to Kingsbury as before Christmas he still wanted me to go back so keeping away reinforces this.

@limerentidiot honestly, yes, the long stretch is hard, I miss the kids heaps. But I encourage kids to contact dad when they're with me, and pretty much ask ex-h to chat to the kids every night to say night night when he has them. He needs plenty of prompting but has been ok. We also have started having the other parent take the kids for a couple of hours half way though the long bit. For example I'm taking the kids to macdonald's for tea tonight (he has them wed night until mon morning) and on my long stretch he takes them to the park or for a hot chocolate on the Sunday. It's the one thing ex-h is being cooperative with as he struggles too. We're only a month or so in so it's all very raw. I think on the whole it's a good set up. How old are you children? X

That sounds good, @NotReallySure . Mine are 7 and then 12-16 so contactable. I Will also live really close whenever i can move out so that will help. The thing about seeing them during the long stretch is a good plan.

I do really miss the kids when I am not with them, 5 days feels long. Luckily they are round the corner so they do pop in. It’s a really hard thing to get used to and am only 2.5 months into this. So I guess it will get easier. It’s hard being cheery about it all to them but I do want them to continue to have a good relationship with thier dad so it’s the only way.

@threeandmeandthedog I'm the same, moved out end of oct, it's so very hard, I miss them so much. I'm glad they can pop in to you, we're trying to do similar, and as they get older that will become easier too. Trying to be positive and cheery, just like you say. I'm sure things will get easier as time goes on.

Hello, please can I join. My DH has finally moved out today after talking about it and repeatedly changing his mind.
This was after him saying over Christmas he was no longer happy and not sure what he wanted anymore. I also found chatty messages to a female "friend" which crossed the boundaries for me, although he still claims it's all innocent.

We have two DC under 6
Together 10 years.

I'm devastated today all over again. I am lucky to have friends and a supportive family but I'm worried about the future and feel very alone.

Hugs take it very slowly one day at a time then get all the help you financial ducks in place .

Hello @supiciousminds. Sorry you are joining us. Sleep and eat when you can. One day at a time.

@supiciousminds sorry you’re going through this. You’ll have to have a read of “the script” which is linked in this thread (it’s a 2012 thread) and it’s likely your ex has followed it to the letter.

The whole “I’m unhappy” line is so common, there’s nearly always someone behind that so you finding those texts makes sense (similar story my end which started in the summer and 4 months later I find another woman is involved; STBEH was a coward and should have just ended things with me instead of moving on first; he still maintains it wasn’t her, but he breached the trust to not cheat so regardless he was wrong to even start that relationship with the OW, sexless or not)

My only advice is to stay surrounded by good people who can offer sound, calming advice and slow/calm you down to not react to his behaviours (which will continue and enrage you - me and @threeandmeandthedog are in touch off line and have had RL experience of this this week!)

be kind to yourself - sending unMN hugs your way 🤗