Hello all. I hope it's ok to join the thread. We've had such a turbulent few years. Ex-H walked out at Christmas when my children were babies. I remember at the time just wishing he'd come home. But as the months passed the appalling things he had done that I had no idea about gradually came to light: multiple affairs, so many lies, running up tens of thousands of pounds of gambling debt without my knowledge.
I found a wonderful nanny and nursery, went back from my maternity leave when my babies were still 6 months old, and carried on somehow. I made sure I facilitated him having a relationship with them, even allowed him having contact at my house as they were still breastfeeding.
Divorced him, moved to a new house, but kept everything amicable. We were co-parenting well. His parenting improved, I thought. Things were stable.
Then he destroyed everything. He did something criminal which means he can never see the children again. He was arrested in my house, in front of them. Even after all he'd done to me, I never dreamed he'd do anything this horrific. It's terrifying to think - when I was so careful about who I married, and lived with him for years before doing so, and waited several years after marriage before children also - that I had no idea who he was. It was all a lie, a false persona. That he kept up for 15 years.
My children are too young to understand why they can't see him now. But old enough to have built a relationship with him before that, and feel abandoned and traumatised by it because I can't explain to them properly. In the end me trying to facilitate a good relationship between them and their father did more harm than good. But I try not to beat myself up about that because I was trying to put them first. We can only make decisions with the information we have at the time and that's so important to remember.
It's felt like every time I get things stable and think he can't do anything worse he drops another bomb in our lives. But no more. Since his arrest and the subsequent revelations I've lone parented my children entirely for two years (never had any family help at all). They will start primary school this year. Sadly everything I'd hoped to gain from reduced childcare bills will be sucked up by the gas bill! 🤣 But perhaps in time I will have more energy to look for a new job as all of this has stalled any attempt at career progression over the last few years.
My children also both have SEN so I've also been fighting for diagnoses, fighting for help for them, fighting for trauma therapy for them. Dealing with the SS investigation their father's actions inflicted on us. The divorce (which I had to pay for because he's gambled all his money). All on top of a very demanding full time job.
I feel so angry for the damage he's done, I can't take that away from my children no matter what I do. And I'm angry that I've spent almost all of my children's early lives firefighting the disasters and trauma he's created instead of being present with my children and enjoying them being small. I've not been able to be the parent I want to, always busy and rushing around without enough time spent just laughing and playing with them.
But we've carried on, through everything he's inflicted on us. And we're free now and so much happier now. I am hoping the worst of our storm has passed and this year can be a fresh start. I hope it is for all of you as well.