Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

He is likely to be projecting his self hatred into you as he needs to justify his behaviour and have someone to blame- you are the easy target. He needs to own his shit- u fortunately you can’t make him see that and it’s not your responsibility to anymore either.

I need to remember this @threeandmeandthedog you're about the 3rd person who’s said it in the last 24 hours. I’ve been told I’m making it too easy for him (being so amicable and updating him on DC and how they are). This weekend has made me realise, that’s it, it’s on him to sort it out and deal with the consequences.

I'm sure now that my exH is drinking again. Earlier in the evening he made an attempt at sexting me. I'm way to old for this. I was married with kids for years before I even owned a mobile! I turned my phone off for a few hours I was so shocked.

@Emptyinsidetothecore it is really hard to step back. It was always my natural inclination to make things easier for H. But it’s not my job anymore. It is really hard stepping back. But I am trying hard to detatch, whilst still being pleasant and amicable. However he needs to do the leg work now and I don’t need to facilitate things for him, especially when he has the DC. It will take time. Do what feels right for you- you can’t not be true to yourself either. If he is not treating you with the respect you deserve then the kindest thing you can do for yourself is step back, and communicate only when necessary in a neutral and succinct way.

I'm with you, bought a cbd vape, just to help through the stress. He is still living here, now until the end of the month. My mortgage has been approved, just waiting for solicitor to finalise the land registry and he will move into his new house, sight unseen. Feeling really low, but managed to get another p/t shop job, which will help pay for keeping my house. Proud of myself for getting that as I am in such a rural area finding work can be difficult. His mood swings get worse, one minute shouting and swearing, the next being kind and considerate. He has put back all the weight he spent nearly 2 years losing, just eating biscuits and crap non stop. Gradually coming to terms with him leaving, it's all been a total shitstorm.

@butterflyandbees congrats on the job, that’s brilliant

Yes still finding it very difficult and I’ve been separated a while now. I really miss the family unit especially for my kids

Can I join in please? I'm really struggling and feeling lost 😕

Yes of course

@butterflyandbees glad you are still here. You are doing great

@butterflyandbees you’ve pulled yourself out of this mess amazingly and I’m really proud of you. We’ve spoken off this site and I know that you are dealing with such a difficult person, that I personally couldn’t handle. The end is near, he’ll be gone soon and whilst it’s sad, heartbreaking and unbelievably painful, I think you’ll feel a huge weight off your shoulders once he leaves 😘

I’ve been given some advice recently which is to “be still”. Sit in the middle/eye of the storm and say and do as little as possible in relation to the ex. The storm going on around us is like the practical things (house, money, kids, OW’s, ex’s family, friends meaningful advice ) and they’ll all tempt you go in and rescue your ex, or your kids, or defend the things being said. However, all it does it drag you in to the storm for you to be battered, and bruised and feel worse than you did. “Be still” let the storm swirl around you and wait for the calm.

It is immensely difficult to do this, believe me I know, but it is a good aim. It has stopped me responding to texts or email’s immediately; I’m no longer flexible to requests; I’ve stopped making it easier for my ex be a better father (It’s nothing to do with me any more if he is a good person/father or not, that’s now on him).

So, my wisdom to you all this week, be still in the eye of the storm 😘

Thank you so much for the kindness and wisdom, I think you are right when he goes life will be simpler for me, the house is in total chaos with all the mess he is making sorting out his stuff, I am letting that go. I hate mess and chaos as it makes my mind chaotic as well. I am sitting with that and just being still. All concentration is on earning money and keeping the house going.

Does anyone have any tips to try and deal with the absolute betrayal or is it just a time thing?
Together nearly 20 years, 2DCs, two long standing affairs (that I know of), blames me got married too young blah blah

@Nelly10 sorry to hear that. Can you get any counseling? My husband takes zero responsibility too, different situation, but seems it's always someone else's fault! Sorry it's all so hard. Speaking to a counselor sounds like it may help? X

Yeah Im getting counselling, it’s just times/memories some significant like having the kids and some not just pop into my head then I just go back to thinking ‘how has he done this’ hopefully that will lesson alot with time I’m only 3 months in, divorce is filed and finances still to sort. I have no contact with him just regarding dcs.

The chump lady website is quite good for a bit of moral support @Nelly10 . I find the betrayal and selfishness very hard to process and understand- the sheer selfishness of it keeps me awake at night. For me what is helping is trying to accept that I am not going to get any answers or explanations that satisfy me or make sense to me, so there is no point in expecting them. I have no co trip over what STBEXH does or thinks and the healthiest thing I can do is look after myself and the kids and work on building a new and better life without him. Easier said than done as the anger and sense of betrayal hits me when least expected. However I remind myself that I am lucky to be living my life now, without being attached to someone who holds me in such little regard and treats me with such little kindness and no respect. Who needs that? Not me. Lucky OW.

Thank you I have looked at chump lady but I will read some more.
You are correct in saying that no closure will come from STBEXH he hasn’t even admitted to much even now. Even if he did it wouldn’t be enough anyway. If he can treat me and the dcs in this way I know we are far better off without him here. The last 3 months have felt good to be living an authentic life instead of a life with him based on lies and deceit. It’s nice to have moral support on here and in RL which I am very grateful for.

@Nelly10 I'm on that very same merry go round! How could he do this to us, why? Did he think he could just get away with it.. photos all tarnished memories it's bloody awful. I have no advice to offer and I'm hoping in time I'm also able to get past it but just wanted you to know your not alone 😞

I'm still angry, he's plodding on in the old house unaffected it would appear and I'm trying to build a new home for me and the children. The expense is massive! He can shove his incurring costs when the sun don't shine.

Sorry to hear you are in the same situation just so depressingly common these days isn’t it !
Thanks for the reply, like yourself the added expense this is all costing is also very worrying and scary solicitors and mediation fees aswell as additional costs as he’s living seperate now. All money which could have been spent on family things ! Good luck to you and I hope you are or will be much happier in the future x

Has anyone decided what they will do with their wedding ring / engagement ring yet? I seem to get fixated on small things at the moment in the rare time I'm not running around after the children or working and today it's the rings.

Would it be bad luck to sell them (incl his wedding ring) and buy a nice piece of jewellery each for the children? And maybe even me? I don't see the point in keeping them and "handing them down"

I was wondering this about wedding photos, what do people do with them. As for the rings, I am selling those as I could do with any extra cash, and I will probably buy a purity/celibacy ring to remind myself not to go through this shitstorm again.

I'm still wearing my wedding ring because I have an indentation on my finger from it and I don't own another ring. I really must get to a jewellers and sort it out.

I watched something on TikTok the other day and the analogy made me go, yes… that! It’s not a tip as such, but it was validation of what I was feeling. Link: vm.tiktok.com/ZMFEHTAuD/

To summarise it says:

Betrayal trauma is like being pushed out of a plane before you’re ready, without a parachute. As you’re falling, you look up and your partner is watching you; falling and smiling whilst flying the plane. They’re watching you hit the ground and break every bone in your body. Miraculously you survived. You don’t feel lucky. He didn’t come back to apologise or to check if you’re ok, he carried on flying the plane, and picked someone up along the way. It wasn’t just your bones that shattered that day, but your self worth, your trust, your safety, your truth - you don’t understand love any more, you’ve met evil and it killed a part of you before you were ready to die.

I’ll wear mine I want no man ever again it can mean hands off. But I will buy a good quality Diana replica ring to cover it in a couple of years.

I’ll be selling mine and buying a nice piece of jewellery myself.

I’m going to probably sell my wedding ring. I am going to get my engagement ring (which I prefer) resized so I can wear it on another finger. It’s going to remind me never to settle for less ever again.