Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

Thanks @Stayingstrongish I know it's not all bad, I just don't trust his choices! And it's the amount he allows it too, it's pretty much all the time they're in.
It's so hard isn't it. I think the underlying issue is that I just miss the kids so much, and worry I can't look after them all the time. At the end of the day it's not like they're miserable there, which I need to be grateful for. X

@NotReallySure it’s really hard. Can you find some things you enjoy and look forward to on your days without them? I never used to have evenings to myself but now can do yoga classes, go to book group or meet friends for drinks. I don’t mind my child free time as my kids are very full on and exhausting (often bad sleepers too), I feel like I need some down time to recover from solo parenting!

That seems very young for gaming - is he using it as a tool to draw them into being at daddies house? My two go EOW and I struggle with that massively so huge respect to those doing 50/50 care! Both of mine have autism and routine is key so it wouldn't work to be shuffled form home to home. I'm having a moment of reflection this morning.. sitting here in my new bed drinking tea. 😁 we've finally left! I've done it.!! I spent almost 4 years dreaming up how to get out. He wouldn't leave so I did (eventually)! I probably should get some counselling now so I can let it all out, the reassurance of someone else telling me the level on control and seriousness of what's gone on is needed. I feel like I've been living in some sort of dream and I'm slowly waking up.

@Stayingstrongish yes, all good ideas, I am trying to fill my child free days with things I enjoy and can't do with them. Agree it is so hard!
@rockingbird yes, I think he is. Well done on finally getting out, it's not easy, but it is worth it. Enjoy your new life. I agree, counseling is definitely something for the future plan, but for now enjoy the freedom and your new life. Amazing achievement 🙂 x

I feel I shouldn’t be on here I’ve no children and very lucky I’m happier now than I’ve been for months. My foot lady said “well done on getting out I could tell you were miserable” hugs to all struggling today.

Great that you're feeling happy @Always4Brenner Well done you for getting out. Brighter times ahead x

Thank you oh definitely for me I’m already planning saving pots which I know will grow now I’m on my own. No grumpiness either.

My solicitor sent our financial order to the court yesterday. Hoping its approved before start of Feb so can apply for the final order straight away. I can't believe I'm nearly out!! I'm nearly out of the marriage that broke me, it feels so good that I won't be his wife any more!!

I hope everyone is doing ok. I have just shared a link to this book on another thread and thought I would share it here too as it has really helped me when I feel overwhelmed and wobbly. It was given to me by a friend who has come out the other side of a marriage to an abusive and controlling man and she is a fantastic woman and mother and much happier now she is free from her arsehole ex h.

www.amazon.co.uk/Soul-Soaring-Virtues-Separation-Learnings-Heart-ebook/dp/B088F1R2GF/ref=nodl_?dplnkId=ef8c3482-c5ee-4165-93c9-64f1b585fa01

Its a very accessible book about building your sense of self and moving forward after separation. Bits of it are slightly woo, but if you can skip over that I have found it very empowering and it has helped me to reframe my situation and take control of my life at times when things have felt very out of control. It’s very easy to dip in and out of.

@threeandmeandthedog I have just bought the book for £5 on ebay, the reviews were good so thanks for the recommendation. I'm trying everything at this point 😁 stbx bought his furniture for his house so its all official, we are just working out finances between us as we work together it comes from the same business pot anyway so hopefully we'll be amicable. I actually feel ok about his house after feeling sick for weeks, when it became official it felt like closure and release. I'm free. From 16-34 been with him, I have a chance to start again. I'm back to feeling excited. Its so up and down isn't it! @rockingbird glad you're feeling so happy! You did it!!

Wow.. this is a blast from the past Amy used to live up the road from me in London. I actually recall when her husband upped and left but had no idea why (we wasn't that close) she was part of a parenting group I was in. I'll take a look, thanks x

I've had another spreadsheet sent to me this week by my STBEX .. this data is incurred costs I'm expected to reimburse home for. Half the car insurance and RAC cover .. mobile phone bill (all back dated to when we left with the clothes on our back and and a black sack of spares).! It's spurred me on to now seek legal advice and get the ball rolling on a divorce.

He seems to have forgotten we left with nothing, my only income at that point was 7 hrs a week part time job. I took nothing from the family home other than myself, the children and some clothes. I've lived in tiny flats with just beds (in fact for the first couple of nights we slept in sleeping bags as we had no bedding). I've since got us a new house, bought us all beds, bedding, a washing machine, cooker, kettle, iron, ironing board, and so on..! We are a long way off being completely settle ms but we are getting there. So.. for him to send me a spreadsheet of his incurred costs boils my piss. The amount of financial control throughout our marriage was huge! The passive aggressive attitude, the gaslighting.. honestly I think he's delusional quite frankly.

Maybe he thinks I've won the lottery or something 😆 shit hot lawyer incoming.. I'm taking his sorry ass to the cleaners for what he's done.

@rockingbird lawyer sounds a good idea, that would totally boil me piss too! I thought (stupidly 😂) STBEXH would be reasonable about finances, but every time we have met to sort it out he has shifted the goal posts.

I have spoken to a few different lawyers to find one to sort out the financial side of the consent order. They all offered a free 40-60 min consultation. Have chosen one I felt comfortable with and am seeing them the week after next. I am happy to do what is fair and just in the eyes of the law but am not being taken for a mug. At least I will know where I stand so I can move forward realistically.

I hope that we can sort it out together once we have each taken legal advice. If that doesn’t work then mediation and if that doesn’t work…. Dread to think, but have my 🤞 it won’t come to the courts

Ahhh you guys are making me nervous! Will my stbx turn into a money grabbing petty bastard, is that how they go!? Gulp. I've offered to buy him out of the house via my savings but its about 40% less than what hes entitled to but the banks wouldn't let me buy him out on a directors wage so its this or he waits 9 years and we sell then which is grim tbh. I'm just hoping all stays amicable because we work together/make money together but who bloody knows!
@rockingbird you say he was financially controlling, hes trying to still do that! Hes trying to wind you up and have power over you and your emotions. Don't react. Keep building up you and your new life. Let him come after you with solicitors etc then deal with it then. Try not to let the cretin have any power over you anymore. The best way to wind him up and get revenge is becoming unaffected by him. Ignoring him.

@threeandmeandthedog I'm hoping for the same but I have an awful suspicion money will be hidden and we will end up in court. He's a business owner, several in fact. Lots of money all over the place but also lots of debt (where there is money there debt) as someone said that to me recently. A family of wealth he'll be keen to protect that. Shame him didn't feel the same about his wife and kids. He can keep it all and choke on it for all I care. I just want my children supported, this will be his second divorce and the first time round she took everything she could - told me some poor old story! Turns out he cheated on her to.. once a cheat always a cheat

@ThePredictableScript oh I'm fully aware he's still trying to control me. Amusing, that's all he has .. a bloody spreadsheet. I suspect the solicitor will be rubbing her hands together when I do walk in the door and tell all. Absolute A-hole thinking I'd tolerate this .. I was broken but the sheer determination inside me has massively helped. Me and the children have been at rock bottom because of his sick brain and I won't go quietly. 😊

@rockingbird what a dick. @ThePredictableScript os right- grey rock him, no reaction at all to his wind up tactics.
my ex is coming after me because he has realised the financial impact of walking out for an OW- he is older than me and is shitting himself about the future. He also is reading all sorts of random stuff on the internet and trying to scare me into agreeing to his financial demands. My response has been “Emails back and forth based on advice from the internet are not helpful. I suggest we both seek legal counsel and meet in 6 weeks time with a view to acting on what is legal and fair and reaching an agreement. Alternatively we can try via mediation or lawyers.” Funnily enough the emails and demands stopped and we have set a date to meet in feb.

I have learnt that although I have no control over his actions and thoughts, I can control my reactions and choose how I move forward. Which is with dignity and authenticity and a bit of ‘fuck you’ thrown in for good measure.

@ThePredictableScript my ex was very reasonable and wanted nothing from me, but now the guilt has worn off and reality has sunk in he has changed his tune. He was someone who in 17year we were together was never greedy about money/ so it has been a shock. My advice, seek initial legal advice just to check where you stand. You don’t need to tell him, knowledge is power. And you need to protect yourself. Hopefully your H will remain reasonable.

So far in 2023 I have had a solicitor's letter from exH, messages saying he'll never allow a divorce and messages asking me to forgive him and start marriage counselling. I'm assuming he's having a mental health crisis and I've heard that he's drinking again. It's exhausting. I think it'll be a long time before we get anything sorted properly. I'd like to go to mediation as we don't have any issues re children but he's obviously not in a place to be reasonable.

We have sorted our finances amicably together but I will seek to get it drawn up legally soon just in case he backtracks.

I went through a phase of feeling good after Xmas, but the last few days I've missed having someone to talk to in the evenings, share my working day with, and just generally miss being a partnership and family. It really is a real rollercoaster of emotions!

Thankyou @threeandmeandthedog for recommending this thread

I've posted a few times under this user names in various threads

But I guess as a summary STBEXH of 10!years (together nearly 20) literally walked out out of the blue around 5 months ago. No warning. Just a text message to say he wouldn't be there when I got home
3 young children. Primary ager and 1 year old twins. His reasons.....he didn't want family life anymore and basically regretted our beautiful twins

I'm fortunate that I'm the main earner by a considerable way - I don't earn loads - just compared to him it's a lot. So I don't have as much anxiety around finances as many of us on here may have

Have very complicated feelings towards him at the moment. I want to hate him but don't have the energy. I still.....worry about him. Like he was my first child

I can't believe better January feels compared to December. That December was so grim. Winter wonderland and centerparcs we did separately. We usually go Lapland in previous years so it was such a horrible horrible month where I was sinking so bad. Even slept with him didn't I🤢 but feel really positive since the New Year. Got so many plans. Hopefully many of you are feeling the same after the heaviness of Christmas. @bethatgirl 100% is a rollercoaster, next week you will be on cloud 9 then low again. It comes in waves as you know. Soon we will be through the other side. @isthistheendtakeabreath what a selfish idiot he is. Rejection is protection.

The dwp are giving stbx a hard time due to his health issues we know who’ll get the blame if and when it goes wrong he’s got Parkinson’s mental health issues epilepsy so can’t work backed up by gp but dwp still not having it. (Awful jobs worth said ‘you might get better’ year right) He’ll be blocked if he snaps again, he still phones for bill advice.

@threeandmeandthedog thanks for the book recommendation

@ThePredictableScript you seem to be in a good place, long may it continue.

@rockingbird sorry to hear you’re dealing with a wank-parrot. He’s got form so he’ll be squirrelling money away and wants you to agree something asap before you work it out. As you know, get a solicitor!

@bethatgirl feel the same. Shit between Xmas and NY, slightly better after NY, and this week just rubbish.

My week has involved a shit storm with the ex. Concious of it not being a private forum so omitting detail. I think he’s got in trouble at work (OW is at his work and it’s in education). I don’t know, can’t work out what’s happened but he was a knob this week point blank refusing to discuss something over the phone about one of the DC, which was important. He hates me and it’s coming across now more and more. I have done nothing wrong and have behaved impeccably throughout the last 2 months, when I could have been an absolute bitch in many ways. As I’m well supported and people know him in RL, they’re saying he just cannot handle that he’s fucked up, that his DC aren’t happy (which is his fault) and that I’m more intelligent than him (which sounds cocky writing that out, but he’s academically intelligent but thick as f in relation to communication and emotional intelligence).

Last night I felt like I’d hit rock bottom again. I went back to work too, which was shit, and my anxiety is back to where it was when he left. I brought a cape because I wanted to smoke again (quit like 16 years ago!) I have opinions on vaping but I see it as the lesser of two evils at the minute. Today, I feel slightly better. My DM came over and helped me sort the house (aka bag up every single item of his in flimsy black bags and move them to my damp garage 😏🤭) there is nothing in this house now that is his. He won’t be happy but I have no care about it. I’m sick of feeling I’m in the wrong.

I brought a cape

that has to be the best auto correct ever 😂😂

i of course meant Vape!

Your cape made me laugh @Emptyinsidetothecore . Your ex sounds very similar to mine. It’s exhausting and relentless. You are doing amazingly- he’s been a total selfish dick and you have done all you can to make the best out of a shit situation. His actions are due to his guilt in relation to the hurt and chaos he has caused. He is likely to be projecting his self hatred into you as he needs to justify his behaviour and have someone to blame- you are the easy target. He needs to own his shit- u fortunately you can’t make him see that and it’s not your responsibility to anymore either. Keep on keeping on, you are strong and dignified, he is the opposite and he can’t handle the consequences of his actions.

Good on you for bagging up his stuff. I packed up every trace of my ex h from the house and reclaimed the space and felt instantly better. I did it whilst the kids were at school and filled any obvious gaps so they wouldn’t notice too much. He accused me of “making a power play.” 😂 Have to say it was empowering.

Don’t worry about the vape- do what you need to get by. I have been smoking a bit of late and haven’t done for a long time. It’s a temporary state and things will get better.