Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

@butterflyandbees sorry you are having such an awful day and your H has been so unkind to you. A lot of men who leave project thier anger into thier wives because they are displacing the guilt that they feel and they need to blame someone. My H certainly took his anger out on me in this way. One thing I found helpful was to focus on this and remind myself that I am not in the wrong here, that I am worth far more than being treated this way and that I would never want to be with someone who treated me with such contempt and unkindness. It helped a little bit. I also put up some clear boundaries and said I would not tolerate being spoken to in that way. If he could communicate in a civil way then he can email me instead.

As someone said up the thread, you are strong, even though you may not feel like. It’s totally ok and normal to feel overwhelmed, afraid, uncertain and panicked. I promise it will pass. In these moments deep breathing helps me, breath in for 8 and out for 8 very slowly.

Take one day at a time and tackle one thing at a time too. I have a notebook now where I write down things I need to think about and sort out for the divorce and any information I find. Think about what you need to do and maybe do your research on one topic per week or whatever feels doable. Enlist the help of a friend of you can. The advice now.org website is very helpful about all aspects of divorce/ separation.

I also have a separate diary where I vent and let all my feelings out- this really helps too. I don’t have any family but friends have helped me, especially ones who have been where I am.

You are strong and you will detach from over time. You can’t just switch off your feelings and it’s normal to grieve for the end of a relationship. Be kind to yourself. Can you do one nice thing this eve? Call a friend? Have a long bath? Watch some crap tv? I promise you are strong, your feelings are normal and the horrible feelings will pass, they never last forever but it doesn’t feel like that in the moment.

Thank you so much for that message it really helped calm me down, I have started writing down all the passcodes and getting bills transferred to my name. Every time I do something that rips our lives apart it hurts, I know I have to do all the practical stuff to survive, but it is a wrench every time. I realise I have become emotionally/financially dependent on my husband and he actively encouraged this in the early days. I have bookmarked advicenow website, so that will be helpful. I know I need to toughen up a lot and get myself through this.

@butterflyandbees just wanted to say hello and much sympathy and love. It must be crap

Thank you, MN's help me get through this, so much good advice and understanding on here.

@butterflyandbees I remember this stage of feeling terrified and unable to cope. I slowly started to feel better day by day as I realised I didn’t want to be with someone who could be so cruel and obviously didn’t appreciate me. We all deserve to be with someone who wants to be with us.

Take one step at a time and you will slowly get through this pain and hopefully in time even start to feel happier than you were before. Please keep coming on here and talking to us whenever you need to.

I'm in a similar boat to you all, Husband told me he wasn't really happy in September. He didn't say he wanted to separate though and for the next 4 weeks we still kind of went about doing our normal stuff and intermittently talking about it and me making more effort.

Then in October he decided he wanted to separate, again a couple of weeks of back and forth about maybe trying not trying etc! Ultimately he decided he wanted to separate.

Now, there's nothing massive going on, we get along well enough, sex was still good although intermittent but there's just no wow moments anymore. We have one DC who is our world and I suppose this is where things differ for us.

I think that when you have DC you fight as hard as possible and make sure you tick every box you can before you split the family up, especially as we can agree on went wrong and what we want going forward but he is of the view that your happiness is more important and believes we won't make each other happy.

So I have accepted his decision and what he is saying is true because my grief is the breakdown of my family not the loss of my DH but it's still so hard. We are having to stay living together until the summer for various reasons but things are very amicable.

We have redone finances so that even though he earns more than me we are both taking home the same so I can save. We have agreed on custody, 50/50 DC is at boarding school so it's mainly just holidays to work out. We have worked out finances - minus pensions as we just don't understand the full value yet. But they are going to be treated in their own right as we both no we are entitled to 50/50 and no arguments there.

It's a weird time as we are all still living as normal but not.

I am sorry for all the others that are going through this, it's shitty no matter anyone situations. We haven't told DC yet so that's our next hurdle.

I am using this time to squirrel as much money away so I can buy my own house (probably shared ownership as that's what I'll be able to afford) buy my own car and get a promotion at work! Little hurdles along the way!

Big hugs to everyone!

My 17 year marriage ended back in 2006. I was left unemployed (previously being a SAHM , with 3 neuro-diverse children, one with dreadful MH under CAMHS etc .. My then husband (now called the sperm donor by his DC because he has never contributed anything to them either financially or personally) walked out of the house one afternoon and refused to tell the DC (young to midteens at the time) where he was going to be living.
It was so very hard at first. I found a job in the NHS working part time shifts, but had to leave after a few months due to my DC MH becoming even worse requiring full time care for a number of months.
She eventually recovered and I found another job and eventually went to university as did the 3 DC.
I find myself now divorced almost as long as I was married. Single ever since with my DC all graduates working in their chosen fields, I am so happy.
I have DC I love, and who are decent human beings, a job that while not making me rich, (tbf not even making me financially comfortable 😂) I find engaging and helps some of the society's most vulnerable.
God help me when I retire in 7 years because my ex took all his pension with him and most of the savings, (his solicitor was much better than mine and obviously cost loads more) I will have virtually no private pension and have to manage on the state pension, but it has been so worth it. My advice is hang in there and get through the bullshit and eventually you will find peace and happiness.

@4catsaremylife wow you have done a fantastic job in what must have been a very tough situation. Amazing that you got your kids through that and managed to go through uni and have a rewarding career too.

@4catsaremylife what an inspiring story! Thank you for sharing that. All too often it's hard to see how things might pan out in years to come. I have myself spent far too much of my time worrying about how I'll cope. Truth is I'll have to! In the summer we left with a bag of clothes, now it's New Year's Eve and Im wallpapering our new lounge! It's been one hell of a rollercoaster ride - no question about that! 😬 looking forward to a new year I'm feeling very positive about our future. The DC are with their dad this weekend - he's insisted on his weekend knowing full well I had plans with them this evening which I had tickets to and would have been an amazing experience.. I won't rise to his nonsense. The tickets cannot be sold on so sadly wasted but the alternative would be to ask him to come along with us - which is I believe his motive .. not happening!

Stay strong all of you, ride out the bumps and move forward into the new year one step at a time.. everything will fall into place.

What a week I've had. Had him round pretty much every day messing with my head. I feel he was using my presence to make his house move less scary for him. He should be moving in this week. I knew it would rock me and boy did it! Hes blocked now and we are back communicating via my mum. Its scary how manipulative he is, he almost had me apologising to him! He wants to date me when he gets his new house hah! Really does want his cake and eat it doesn't he. Roll on the new year and fresh start. We will all get through this and be so much happier ❤️ sending you all hugs.

Hugs everyone as we go into a new year I’m very pleased he’s got health teams now helping him so I no longer have to worry his mental health. For the first time in years I actually look forward to starting a new year not the nye crap but the whole year. I send sympathy and hugs to all of you suffering.

He wants to date you?! What the actual fuck. The audacity of this man.

i am pleased you’ve cut contact now, stop letting him in the house too. He’s made his decision, that’s it, gone. Be strong @ThePredictableScript

@Emptyinsidetothecore haha I know right! Apparently loads of couples live separately to work on their marriage. He really must think hes gods gift and I'm an absolute loser. Draining all our money to run a second house and then thinks he will be coming back alls whilst a playing single man. Madness. Yes hes blocked and not coming back in the house. At least we are all going through this together ❤️ I will be eating 12 grapes under the table tonight for good luck (google it) and burning sage ready to welcome in the new year. Happy New Year everyone🥂

I will be eating 12 grapes under the table tonight for good luck (google it)

I’ve been on tiktok and it’s been all over it!

At midnight I'll be opening the front and back doors to blow all the bad luck out of the house.

Happy new year off to bed soon talking book take care see you in 2023 hugs all of us.

I hope 2023 brings some positivity and happiness to you all. I know it will be hard at times for many of us. Happy new year x

Anyone else struggling with 50/50 childcare? I'm not long in my own home and finding the separation from the kids devastating. He's bought them a Nintendo switch so obviously dad's house is more fun now. I can't bear it, does it get easier? I encourage the kids to communicate with their Dad when they are at mine but he is radio silence unless I ask. The kids are struggling, I'm stressed and loosing my rag too much I'm starting to feel I've made their lives worse, not better by separating.

I have 60/40 with my kids dad. It’s early days but so far going well - they have friends close to their dads house and enjoy being there but they also like being with me. They both struggle at times and are sad about the separation but that feels normal - I’d be more worried if they were gloriously happy at this stage, they’re going through a transition that their dad and I have had time to process, they’re going through that process now.

Their games console tends to travel between both houses depending on what game they’re involved in at the time. My ex and I agreed we didn’t want competition between the two houses though and when we have the finances one of us will buy the relevant games console so they have the same at both houses.

When you say you’re stressed all the time are there particular things causing you stress? I don’t worry too much about them liking one place more than the other - it’s important they have a good relationship with both parents and I’d go quite a long way to facilitate that. They both have a phone so they can contact either of us independently if they want. My DS will call at some point during the day, my DD not so much. I miss them when they’re away but honestly I also value time to myself to get stuff done meaning I can focus on them when they are here.

Its a big adjustment for everyone, can you think of anything that might make it feel easier for you?

@NotReallySure its a massive adjustment for the DC and for you. Mine are 11,13 and 15 so maybe thier age makes it a bit easier as they can communicate freely with us via their own phones whenever they like. I miss them hugely when they are not with me. But friends in the same position tell me you adjust and you learn to appreciate these times. I am only two mo the i to this and it does seem to feel slightly easier, but I am still along way from being coMfortable with it and Xmas has just amplified everything.

STBEXH and I have sat down and done a parenting agreement together which has helped out boundaries in place. There are lots of different templates on the internet, citizens advice has one. This helped and we got on the same page about the kids being able to call us when they were with the other parent and checking in etc. still a work in progress but having it written down has helped.

I have really made a huge effort to be enthusiastic about thier Dad’s new place and encouraged them to take things there to make it homely and all that sort of thing (even though it’s the last thing I feel like saying). I really want them to have a good relationship with both of us even though exh is a total arse.

The main thing for me with DC is that they feel safe and secure in each home. A Nintendo switch is exciting but at the end of the day, when the novelty has worn off for the DC it will be about where they are loved and looked after, hopefully between the two homes. Can you ask your ex if the switch can travel between the two homes for now if it’s important to the DC? I can’t afford a new x box so my son is taking it with him to his dad’s and then bringing it back and that works.

It is tough- hang on in there x

Thanks for the replies. Mine are 4 and 6 and I feel too young for Nintendo Switch just now, he knows that and I feel it should have been a joint decision. He's not at all cooperative with co-parenting and he is basically competitive parenting and not really thinking of the kids. He lets them stay up late, no real consequences for actions, so I'm bad cop and trying to undo it all when they're with me - maybe why I'm stressed!
I'm trying to give them boundaries.
I wanted 60/40 but ex wouldn't take less than 50/50. I think it's too much for my 4 year old. I'm just devastated to be missing out on so much of their lives. Ex was emotionally abusive to me, not the kids, but it's hard to swallow that he gets 50/50. He literally threatened to cause me real bother and accuse me of being abusive if I tried to get more than 50/50, I feel so hard done by that he's manipulated me into this with threats and bullying.

I should add he's quite clearly slagging me off to the kids and having "secrets" from me. The kids happily mention these, I'm not grilling them for it or anything.

I was going to say either he’s too lazy to parent, set boundaries etc or he’s continuing his abuse of you through the kids but your update makes me think it’s the latter. Which makes your position very hard indeed - I’m not surprised you feel so stressed.

Thanks @Jellycatspyjamas that's exactly how it feels. He's nasty and incapable of thinking of others before his own needs, even if it affects the kids.

@NotReallySure I feel for you - I was also pressurised into 50/50 by my ex, I expect so he could avoid paying child maintenance.

I think some of the games on the switch can be suitable for 4-6 year olds (I have a switch for my kids, who are similar ages). But I can understand it’s not for everyone, and you wouldn’t want them using it for hours on end. Part of the upsetting thing about this coparenting is that we no longer have much of a say about what goes on in the other parents’ house, and it’s difficult to get a routine in place.