Anyone finding their feet after marriage ended?

[Chocolatepencil]

Hello, just thought I’d see if anyone is still relatively new in finding their feet after their marriage ended?

The separation from him was fairly easy to deal with as it had got toxic but the breakdown of my family unit is something I’ve struggled with - although getting there - and looking forward to Christmas!

Any one care to join a thread about it? ☕

I came back early from disastrous xmas break. I should have listened to the wise MN's and not gone, I wanted to prove that I was strong and capable, but basically fell apart, crying, vomiting with stress. Husband still living in house, says now leaving middle of January when his new house purchase completes. I just want to send so much gratitude and thanks to the MN who has supported me, you know who you are and you have a heart of solid gold, I know you are struggling yourself and I am here for you. Husband is angry I wasted money on break, and on that he is right, I was trying to push myself to a healing place and I know that I can't do that. I am hurting, I still love him deeply and even though he is not here emotionally for me, just having him in the house makes me hope he will change his mind, even though I know that is not going to happen. I already had abandonment issues from childhood that I had counselling for and this has brought them right back to the forefront. I can't understand how the person who protected and cared for me is now so cold and indifferent suddenly, he never said he was unhappy with me and never showed any signs of wanting to part. It was so out of the blue that I can't come to terms with it

How we all doing? I blocked the world out for a couple of days and boom it's all past me! Kids had a great time in their pj's on the new oculus .. I had a virtual ride on a rollercoaster with Santa and you know what.. it's was all bloody amazing. They are off to dads Friday and I'm getting some DIY done. The new house is slowly taking shape.. I'm not feeling so sad about things all of a sudden and I'm determined to make 2023 a great year for us three musketeers!
Sorry to ready some of the comments here over the past couple of days, it's a shitty time to deal with a split. Sending hugs to you all xx

Just read this entire thread. I met my ex at 22. Married at 25. OW made her appearance 10 years later. This is all 17 years ago. No children so never see him. I now think of him in terms of loved the boy he was, hated the man he changed into.
wishing you all strength on this most difficult journey

Sending all of you big hugs. I get my kids back today after they've had Christmas with their dad. My conditional order was granted last week. 2nd Feb I can apply for the final order so long as my finances have been approved by then. Now I have a finish line in sight, I feel like 2023 is going to be SO much better with the divorce finally done and behind me!! 2022 has been full of stress, and two family bereavements. I am so ready for a fresh start as a divorced woman!! Everything exH told me I'd never be able to do (leave him), I'm doing!!

Can I join?

Ive called it a day on my marriage because I don’t want a room mate for the rest of my life. He’s started confiding in his abusive family again and seems to have tonnes of support. I seem to have no support except for people telling me that they never liked him.

We are still pretending. I don’t know when to tell the kids. They are happy and it’s going to really hurt them. My head hurts so much that im off to have a cry and go to sleep soon.

@Teaandtoast3 how old are your children? It's so very hard, mine are 4 and 6 and have taken it so well, it's early days but they are adapting. But it's such a heartbreaking thing to have to do. Sending love and strength x

Hello everyone hugs to all of you newbies here suffering and hugs for us oldies here for carrying on and getting there. Here’s to 2023 nothing from ex so -leased hopefully he’s got his support. He’s got the marriage certificate so he’ll have to start the online divorce. I can live with that I’m not carrying a mental load now, scammer can fuck right off as well the bloody cheeky trying from another source to contact me blocked deleted. Here’s to 2023.

I've spent the day building new flat pack bedroom furniture in my new house.. I own a power tool screwdriver/ drill and I've also put up curtains and curtain pole. 😁 I feel fucking invincible right now. The irony of this is.. I spent years waiting for stuff to be fixed, a curtain pole put up wrong in the first place fell down 3 years ago.. it never made it back up! I tried endlessly to get stuff done around the house.. it never happened! I hired a handyman once and was accused of shagging him 🙄 I wasn't allowed to make the gardener a cuppa without being questioned .. now here I am building 4 drawer cabinets single handed!! Screw you pal.. I spent so long worrying I'd never cope alone with the kids, I'd convinced myself it was impossible. Truth is I feel like I'm doing OK! Yeah my marriage is down the toilet pan but that was absolutely not my doing. He cheated, he chose to throw away his wife and kids for his dick brain. Today has been a good productive day.

Just thought I'd share some positivity in the group. We can dwell on the past or we can move forward into 2023 stronger 🙅‍♀️

Well done on the flat pack furniture, @rockingbird . It's very empowering to get stuff done on your own for the first time after separation. I just keep reminding myself that I can cope with most practical things, and I can always hire a professional for the jobs I can't do myself.

Yep another mum missing here kids here. First Christmas they’re away. I am craving them having a normal settled life and feel so guilty they have to move around.

Well done @rockingbird i wish I felt your spirit at the minute, you @prettygreenteacup - pass me some of your wisdom to get out of my hell hole!

Anxiety had returned like a bastard; it’s sitting in the pit of stomach and lungs, exactly how it was when STBEH told me we were over 7 weeks ago. It had subsided and I’ve had better days in the last 2 weeks, plan on returning to work next week; but Christmas has totally threw me off track.

I have missed DC so much when they’re not here. Christmas Day was only for 4 hours of not being with me and I sobbed. Then they’ve been gone for another 2 nights and declined invites to things as just couldn’t face socialising and/or crying amongst happy families.

Ironically not missing STBEH other than the conversation/ companionship. We’d talk about our families and get each others’ family dynamics etc, validating one another. I’ve not had that this year and felt pretty alone considering I have a huge network of support.

Why the hell has this anxiety come back? I hate the physical symptoms, I just can’t control it. I don’t think it helped me going on a play date yesterday and explaining to the mum I was with what had happened. I relived it again, and it caught me off guard. Won’t be doing that again.

I still keep thinking how he could cheat. How he broke my trust and our vows when he said he’d never do that. We’d talked about cheating - he’s not a serial cheater at all, it wasn’t a physical affair either, so some would argue less bothering. But it’s bothered me. Their messages I read were so intimate and passionate, they’re engrained in my brain and it hurts. He knows he’s hurt me, said sorry a few times the first week, and then moved on, progressed mediation and he’s exited our marriage quicker than anything. It’s just sad. Really sad after 17 years.

I keep thinking I’m going to bump into the OW (highly likely due to where she works) and that’s setting me off too. I went to buy something on Facebook market place and realised it’s near where she lives so didn’t get it. How stupid is that?!

Sorry, a bit of a down post from me 😔

Oh @Emptyinsidetothecore I'm so sorry you're right in the trenches at the moment, and Christmas highlights it. You're still in the early days after discovery and you've only just split. I have no wisdom other than to say it is time that got me out of the pit - my ex began cheating on me in 2016, I endured 4 years of serial adultery, serial discovery, emotional abuse and him getting into 30k of gambling debt. I was utterly broken, suffering betrayal trauma and had no self worth left by the time I finally found the strength to end the marriage in 2020. Then the pandemic and him moving out meant we then waited for the no fault divorce system to come in, and we applied for divorce in May this year. And it will hopefully be finalised in Feb, 3 years after separating.

So I have not always seen the other side, I have been through hell and back - but I promise you, you will get through this. I can't believe I can finally see the end of this journey. Its been 6 years and an awful lot of pain and anxiety, and therapy! But I'm here and I'm healing and almost no longer his wife. You will see things differently as your story unfolds and you will grow in ways you can't imagine because of all of this, I promise ❤️

Thank you for your kind words and post @prettygreenteacup 💐 what an horrific few years you’ve had. What an awful man to put you through that and get you in that debt. My STBEH isn’t that type of person, he is ok man, has been amazing as a dad (before and after split) so I know I don’t have it no where near as bad as others. I am so pleased you’re in a better space and honestly, your words of encouragement help me think, it can’t get worse, and I will get through it.

I think I’m just really overwhelmed by the “new year new start” shit and seeing happy families everywhere (have no single people in my life and even on a walk in Boxing Day on my own, busy with families and no single separated people).

Everyone has been so nice to me, I have such a big network of people who want to help, and so many people saying I’m “strong” and I’ve got this but I just don’t feel that. I feel utterly bereft by it all. I’m crying just typing that out as everyone thinks I’m ok, and I just don’t feel ok. I am so angry by it all. Really angry that he’s broken up the family, not tried to fix our marriage or give me a chance to respond or attempt to fix it either, he’s tossed it all away for his ego and his dick (there’s the anger!) And in the middle of this, my DC, who I miss so much when they’re not here; and I’m worrying about them, and feel I’m fucking up as a parent when they’re with me. DD (12) slept in my bed last night. I think we both wanted each others company. Is that weird?

Not at all weird @Emptyinsidetothecore - you find comfort in your kids and them in you. My two came home yesterday from Christmas with their dad and my eldest (nearly 8) said how she couldn't wait to sleep in her own bed. I think even their dad's house they don't class as "home" home. Its my house that's really home.

I also got sick of the rhetoric that I am so strong - I don't want to be strong all the time, I want to cry and be validated and listened to and be looked after. And that is all perfectly fine. This is a grieving process. My ex was a full on abusive bastard and yet I still had to grieve the family unit I thought I'd always have. I can't wait to divorce him and yet I've still had to process grief and every type of emotion. Let yourself feel and be open and honest with those around you when you're struggling.

There is only upwards from here. Being angry is GOOD - let that keep you motivated through this and even when you're feeling sad, remember his actions are not about you and everything about who he is. He has lost something amazing and he will be full of shame and regret, not you. My ex can hardly look me in the eye any more. Stay furious at him and know your worth.

Life will settle. I'm a way better parent alone, even on the stressful days. Because I'm far happier out of that marriage. You find your rhythm and the sadness at other families does subside over time. You become confident in your unit as you and your kids. Happy and free of shitty behaviour that you don't have to accept any longer.

@Emptyinsidetothecore this sounds like a super tough time for you and that you are feeling the whole roller coaster of emotions. It is still early days and you are doing amazingly, some days just getting up feels
like an achievement. I am around the same timeframe as you since everything kicked off and it is a grieving process, there is a lot of anger, disbelief, sorrow and it’s ever changing. Just hold on to the days where you have felt strong and remember that those feelings will also return. Lean on the support of a good friend of you can- just having a pal to talk to over the last few days has helped when I have felt down, the change of scene has helped. You sound like a fantastic mum who is putting thier DC first and picking up the pieces of the mess your ex made. You are doing the best you can for your DC- my youngest DD who is 11, intermittently sleeps in my bed as it gives her a sense of security, especially at this time, not weird in the slightest. Sometimes you just need your Mum.

Great post @prettygreenteacup - lots that resonates. I think home for kids is often where they know, but also where they feel secure and supported. I know that I am a much kinder and calmer parent than my ex and they will get that security from me. My entire home is so much calmer without him in it. I love the way it feels without him in it (not without the DC though!)

My ex is very ashamed and I have done everything to make it ok for the DC. He bloody knows the effort I am putting in to create a calm and functioning coparenting relationship. He knows it must have nearly killled me to host Xmas for him and his family with a smile on my face and he knows I miss the DC terribly when they are not here. He has to live with having behaved this way. I have to live with accepting the situation and moving on the best I can with my DCs and my well-being at the center. In amongst the anger, hurt and sadness there are more and more small moments of hope, light and happiness. I am sad at the loss of the sense of family and companionship- but not of him and I feel an amazing sense of lightness without him- he is not the person I thought he was. He is very disappointing.

Everyone has been so nice to me, I have such a big network of people who want to help, and so many people saying I’m “strong” and I’ve got this but I just don’t feel that.

Not feeling it doesn’t mean you’re not strong. There’s strength in setting clear boundaries, in not tolerating someone cheating on you, there’s strength in caring for your kids and in knowing what you need right now. There’s strength in tears, and anger, and deep disappointment. There’s strength in coping with uncertainty and in peeking through your fingers towards the future. It feels shit but every decision you make to centre you and your children shows strength.

My two DC end up in my bed at some point every night - their world has turned on it’s head and they need connection and security, it’s fine that they end up sleeping with me (though it invariably means I don’t sleep so well).

You're in the midst of it just now, letting yourself feel the feelings will help you come out the other side with clarity and confidence - let yourself grieve and rage. And know that despite feeling weak and incompetent and like you’re failing there’s a strong core in there.

Morning everyone bit low today but that will wear off post Christmas I think I’ll be fine but I feel for all of you. Well all get to 2023 together and stronger, hugs all/

For anyone who feels lifted by music, I have two songs on repeat recently- Brighter Days by Emelie Sande and Learning to Fly by Sheppard x

Yessss @rockingbird 💪🏼💪🏼

@Emptyinsidetothecore I am 2.5 months in finding out my DH had an affair after 17 years together. At the beginning of December I was in a terrible state after having some good days! Since Christmas Day, I have felt a bit stronger and happier. It really comes in waves I believe. Also, my DD age 14 has been sleeping in my bed 50% of the time since we separated. Not weird at all. If that's what she wants to do, then she absolutely can ☺️.

I have spent the whole morning going through finances, bills, looking at mortgages and feeling strong today. We've got this ladies!!! Although at times we feel we don't.

You’re all so lovely 🥹

@prettygreenteacup and @threeandmeandthedog thank you

@Jellycatspyjamas your words hit the nail on the head for me. I am strong and being strong but the little girl inside me isn’t and doesn’t want to be anymore. It’s too hard.

@bethatgirl our timelines, story and time together with ex’s are very close and similar. During December I was ok, holding it together with more better days than not. But since Xmas, not so much.

I sorted parts of the house out this morning to separate his crap from mine - he’s been a fucking hoarder if shit for years and Ive been ruthlessly binning it or putting it in a bag for him. He’s so far for about 3 kallax boxes pure
of pure junk!

again, thanks everyone 💐

What a shitty day. Does anyone else feel worse now than before Christmas?

Everyone keeps saying new year new start, you've got to keep positive, this time next year you'll be in a better place. I want to believe it so, so much. But I don't. I can't see how things will get better when I never wanted a life where it was just me and DD living on our own and just me when he has her.

My STBXH is getting keys to his new house next week. That has hit me hard and I am still really really struggling with new guy ending our relationship last month. I am an absolute mess and medication isn't helping (although it's only been a week).

My DD has just turned 11 and has slept with me mostly since H left in April. I think I need her more than she needs me to be honest.

@WhatFreshHell1 i think Christmas is a focus to get through and now we are through it…what next? It’s super hard. Next is adjusting and accepting a new life. It’s going to be hard but it will also me new and there will be good things. It’s just hard to see when you are in the thick of it.

it will be hard when he gets his new place because it amplifies the reality of the situation. It really does. Mine moved a month ago and emotions are all over the place. Breath , be kind to yourself (I know… but it’s true). Try and do some things that make you feel good and see the people who can help you through this. Much love ❤️

What a shitty day. Does anyone else feel worse now than before Christmas?

@WhatFreshHell1 yes x 1000

Like @threeandmeandthedog said, it’s adjustment now. I’m not ready for it. I’m angry, still really really angry.

The anger turns to disappointment and then the anxiety.

I am really struggling badly today, I tried to talk to husband, to tell him that I couldn't see anything wrong with our marriage and why couldn't we discuss it if he felt something was so bad he had to leave me. He then started screaming at me that I was making him angry, why couldn't I accept he "wanted to be selfish for a change" and that he was "doing me a favour by staying to sort out the mortgages" I have been having panic attacks all day. I am an absolute mess and I can't see how I can be strong like so many of you and build a new life totally alone. I have friends, but don't want to burn them out, I don't have family, he was my family. I feel to old and scared to even start to rebuild, I am scared of so much, finding more work, money, household repairs, loneliness, and the isolation of living so rurally. I rely on this site more and more for support and to read how others are coming through this mess. I wish I could stop loving him and just find that inner strength.