Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

He’s an evil, vile man who is repeatedly abusing and raping you. It doesn’t matter what he says or thinks - look at what you say about how you feel. Listen to yourself and trust your own instincts. What he’s doing is wrong. He doesn’t love or respect you.

No OP, I've read your full remarks and this is not complimentary, it's abusive. Don't let him gaslight you. Listen to your feelings. They are sending you a warning.

I feel like I'm painting my current partner as a terrible man & I'm not being fair to him, he didn't r**e me

Do you know what happens when a woman says no in this situation?

Yes. If the man she is with is not a rapist, he stops what he is doing, apologises, and corrects his behaviour.

Anything that isn't the above is rape.

Happily married 26 yrs with an active sex life and my husband has never pinned me down once because its not something I want even though we have a great time.

OP if you can be honest with yourself you came here and started this thread because this man has crossed all your emotional and physical boundaries, probably because he knows you struggle to maintain them due to past abuse.

This man is totally focused on his own desires and doesn't care about you the way you should be cared for.

You really don't have to live like this and its really not "all men" that behave this way and women who have to tolerate them. Please get help IRL, you don't have to live like this.

Yes, he did.

You didn't consent.

That is rape.

Do you know what happens when a woman says no in this situation? I've gotten myself in so much trouble, it's not worth it

I don't know what happens when you say no, which is why I asked. What does happen? Would you be in physical danger? If not, you need to find a way to leave. You are being routinely abused, sexually, emotionally, verbally, and you are making excuses for your abuser, and doing your best to make it easy for him to abuse you.

You are an adult. The fault is his. The responsibility for getting you out is yours. You need to act on this responsibility. Get help. Get support. Keep posting, there is support here. But do not be under the impression that this has to be your life forever. You can leave this behind.

@Shell563 this man is a rapist. I'm so sorry you've been through all this.

If the only physical contact you want for the whole rest of your life is just hugs, that is ok. Can you phone women's aid or similar? They might be able to help you.

He has done sexual things to you you didn't want. This is abuse.

Please, please take note of what's being said to you on this thread. It may seem harsh, but it is all from a well meaning place.

He absolutely has. If he knows you don’t like doing something and he does it anyway or if he switches to something he knows you wouldn’t consent to.

if you’re lying there crying he knows you don’t want him in or on you. Any decent person would say hey are you ok?

OP a man has only tried to pin me down once and I freaked out and shouted at him and ended the session there and then. I told him I didn't like it and he never did it again.

You NEVER have to do anything you don't want to do sexually OP.

Please seek some support so that you can have the strength to step away from any man who makes you feel this way.

Okay answer me this does no one do things in bed with a partner they aren't 100% okay with? Please be honest because I'm starting to feel like I'm going crazy here

OP please do the freedom programme and get some counselling. Your boundaries and ideas of what a normal man does or does do is so skewed you are seeing this as ok even though it is clearly impacting your mental health very badly.

You do not need this in your life - he is raping you even if it isnt to you as bad as before

If you don't want to have sex ever again in your life then don't. You are the boss of that decision, you haven't said why you think it's a price you have to pay.

I hate performing oral sex, so I don't do it. Why would I do something I hate? I'd rather be alone than with someone who couldn't take no for an answer.

What happens when I say no to a man? He stops. (In this case my husband but even my earlier idiot boyfriend in my late teens stopped INSTANTLY). My husband doesn’t even tickle me because he knows I don’t like the feeling.
The question is what happens when YOU say no to your partner.

Errrr, no.
You both only partake of what’s consensual. If either calls stop, it stops.
If he does something you’ve said no to, that’s sexual assault.
If he doesn’t respect your boundaries get rid.

No I don’t. I never have. No one has ever made me. I am in the ‘not a fan of oral sex’ category and I rarely do it. DH has never ever asked me to do it because he knows I will only ever do it when I’m in the mood.

And the same is true of DH. He has never participated in a sex act with me that he didn’t want to.

I'm sorry but I do not believe that most men don't pin down their partner.

Coming from someone that has had a number of sexual partners, I have never been pinned down by a man. Sex is supposed to be consensual and enjoyable for both parties. If you don’t want to have sex or never have sex again, that is ok and a good man would respect that and wouldn’t push you to do anything you don’t want to do. Any man that does have sex with you when he knows you don’t want to, is raping you. I’ve stopped men in the middle of sex before and they were more than capable of stopping, if your partner is saying he can’t stop, it’s an excuse to rape you. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like you have had some awful experiences with men, but please don’t believe this is normal behaviour.

No, of course I don't. A good partner doesn't expect someone to do things they aren't 100% okay with. A good partner respects boundaries and asking someone to violate those is not the trait of a good person.

No. The only time I have was when I was in an abusive relationship.

DH would never dream of even asking me to do something he knows I'm not comfortable with.

I certainly don't do anything I'm not 100% okay with. My husband wouldn't expect me to either. It goes both ways; I wouldn't expect him to do sexual stuff with me that he wasn't okay with. A loving relationship shouldn't involve one person expecting and being granted sexual favours from the other person, unless it was mutually acceptable.

You have met some very unpleasant coercive individuals.

I have slept with a number of men (between 10 and 20) and only one has ever tried to pin me down and he stopped as soon as I said no - I'm claustrophobic so I wouldn't tolerate this.

I have had a couple try to initiate anal sex without having checked first, but again they have stopped as soon as I said no.

I have had them ask for things I am not interested in, but whilst they may have pushed a little verbally, they never forced me to, or physically tried to make me.

I have however also been raped by one man. He did force me and didn't stop when I said no and when I was clearly distressed.

I understand why you want to think that this kind of behaviour is normal. And I'm not saying it isn't widespread, you only need to see the volumes of people being raped and sexually assaulted to know there are plenty of people out there who will try this.

But in a healthy, consensual non abusive relationship these things are not a normal party of an everyday sex life.

My partner has currently lost his sex drive and to be quite honest its frustrating (although I would never tell him that). What I am managing to do though is be a decent person and not tear his clothes off, pin him to the bed and force him to have sex with me. Because I love and respect him. And because I am only interested in consensual sex.

You sound like a very vulnerable person who needs help to get out of this relationship and to not fall prey to this kind of man again

OP, Sounds like an excuse for premature ejaculation, but only you can be the judge of that...

Absolutely not.