Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

No OP I don't. I don't do things sexually with my partner even if 2 days ago I did them. Because 2 days ago I wanted to and today I don't. And he respects that because he respects me and my boundaries the same as I respect his. This man isn't your partner, he is your abuser.
Please get away from him if you can and understand that you are worth so much more than a man who treats you like this. My heart breaks for you thinking that this is all you deserve from a relationship.

I have slept with a decent sampling of men and no, it is not the norm for a man to pin you down or secure you in any way. Consent, proper true consent, is integral to love.

OP you sound like you are not in a good place. What he did was not a compliment. My DH would never do something I was uncomfortable with, and would never pin me down.

If you never want anyone to touch you again then that is ok.

No and Stop mean just that. Anything that continues after that is wrong.

Oh bless you, I halve never done anything in bed I did not truly, wholly want to do.

Could you define enthusiastic consent please? Not every sexual encounter involves screaming & swinging from the ceiling, no?

Yes, I have carers in, I'm disabled. I don't think that helps me feel safe with a man because I cannot get away when I panic.

I couldn't speak to social services, my last safeguarding was humiliating having professionals sit around talking about what abuse your husband had been subjecting you to.

I don't have the ability to speak out like other woman do. I may have no children, & I have capacity, but because of my health I'm treated like a child.

If I even hint at something that falls into the safeguarding area I'd have my life being picked apart again. Anyhow, I don't need safeguarding. Because of my ex I don't have any friends, just professionals. I do trust a few carers.that work with me, but look how I've accidentally made woman here view my partner, I couldn't do that irl

A woman saying no to a good man I this situation has nothing happen to her at all, apart from a cuddle and reassurance.

OP this is so so sad to read. You have had a series of terrible experiences with men and NONE of this is normal or ok.

Just because he isn't beating you doesn't mean that what he is doing isn't sexual assault. You said he finds it hard to finish if he sees you crying?! What kind of man doesn't stop immediately and put a blanket over you and comfort you. And never have sex with you again until you initiate it and are 10000% in control and comfortable?!

I have NEVER been held down in any way, shape or form. I have never felt like I had to go along with anything just to make some guy happy. Please don't feel like his needs are any more important than yours.

I think you need to be blunt with him and say you're not ready for a sexual relationship, and if that's what he wants then it's time to part ways. Don't let him sweet talk you into thinking his behaviour is a compliment - it's not. He's abusive. Whether he is as bad as the last guy or not.

If you say no it means no. I'm a bit concerned that he gets off on the fact you don't enjoy it. It really is heartbreaking to read, don't sleep with him again until you've got help from a close friend or therapist. And if that's a deal breaker for him then run a mile, if I told my husband no sex for a year while I sort out my mental health, he would say 'absolutely', and that would be the end of it.

No, and if we try new things that I'm not happy with, I say and we stop. Same the other way round.

No, absobloodylutely not. I’m a little confused why someone who doesn’t want to be touched is in a relationship at all, though. Wouldn’t you be happier single @Shell563?

Jesus OP, it's not an accident - you have told us what he did and we have confirmed that is abusive!

You have done NOTHING wrong!!

This is isn’t consensual sex. He’s claiming he can’t help himself and trying blame you for confusing him. He doesn’t sound in the least bit confused, he’s doing what he wants. What he’s doing is abusive - he knows something of your past and is almost replicating aspects of that situation. You fear saying no because it had bad consequences for you in the past and it may lead to conflict now.

Is it safe for you to stop him from seeing you and contacting you? Could you speak to Women’s Aid or a DV helpline to talk about what has been happening between you and your partner?

It sounds like you are doing what many people in abusive relationship do, just trying to keep the peace and get through the day.

Absolutely not. Sometime we will start and I will just decide I am not in the mood (or he will) and we will stop. We wouldn't try something new without discussing it, and just because we have done something before doesn't mean it automatically can be done again.

Could you define enthusiastic consent please?

Enthusiastic consent is free, open, uncoerced, voluntary agreement to participate. It means you are a willing and eager participant, not just a willing one and not just a participant.

Could you define enthusiastic consent please? Not every sexual encounter involves screaming & swinging from the ceiling, no?

Screaming and swinging from the ceiling are hardly the only ways to show enthusiasm.

Consent is when someone actively says yes to sex, initiates things, etc. Enthusiastic consent means consenting because you want to, not because you'll get a load of grief if you don't.

oh OP, you shouldn't have any sexual contact you don't invite, for any reason at all. You are complicating it by saying you don't want x but will put up with it but that y is too much. You need to stop before the x. Don't have sex you don't want. Ever.
I understand you don't want to report this to anybody else, but do you think if you were clear about saying no to ALL sexual contact that this person would respect that? if not, you need to bring in somebody else to support you in that.

Enthusiastic consent is where I don't say yes just to pacify him, or because I feel obliged to. Enthusiastic consent is where I have sex because I genuinely want to.

Some people think consent is someone not actively stopping their partner. Lying their passively, perhaps being upset, or not engaging with the sex. A hairline above saying no. But thats not real genuine consent.

If he doesn't live with you, why can you not just break up with him?

Can I also gently point you in the direction of:
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/
0808 2000 247 - the national domestic abuse helpline
0808 801 0770 - sexual violence helpline

Apologies if someone has already signposted these

He is 100% abusive sexually.
it was sad when you said every man holds every woman down. This has never been the case for me. Obviously apart from people who like and request this. This isn’t normal behaviour and I’m so sorry you expect this. If being touched makes your skin crawl you can find a truly loving partner who is happy in a relationship without sex.
he is raping you. Just because he’s less abusive than a previous abuser doesn’t make it so.

my DH would stop if he though I had stopped enjoying or was in pain and would never just carry on.

No they absolutely do not !!

I think it's like how relationships are not like the movies, they aren't real life. I don't think real relationships are perfect, I think people make mistakes. I think or hope most relationships are build on trust & love, which involves sex. However I think woman end up doing things they don't want to keep a partner happy, I think woman can & should enjoy sex & it should be equal. However, I also know womens sexual needs are not met as frequently as men, it's often a little one sided. That's how I view my situation, just a little more messed up, but that's my fault, not his.

He doesn't think you should be flattered. He doesn't think it's a compliment. He doesn't think every man holds their partner down. That is all lies. He is abusive. Everything he is doing and saying is abusive.

You need to end this relationship and get support, preferably counselling. Your ideas about sex have been shaped by abuse and his have been shaped by porn. Nothing in any of your posts is healthy.

I’m sorry OP, getting a bit ‘carried away’ is eating too many chocolates in one go or a few too many beers. It is NOT refusing to stop having sex with someone. I’ve been with men who have stopped (apologies for being crude) mid-thrust when i’ve said no or stop. That’s what decent men do - it’s automatic.

No, absolutely anything we do we are both 100% happy with, of not we don't do it. If my husband made me feel anywhere near how your partner makes you feel he would be absolutely devastated! He most certainly wouldn't tell me it a complement or that I should feel flattered.

OP, you need some real help, the freedom program maybe? Or some intense therapy? The way your partner is acting is abusive, none of this is your fault, it's all his!

OP you need to tell him 100% how you feel if you haven't or get the hell out of this relationship!