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Original poster

Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

528 replies

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 01:16

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

OP posts:
Delilahonabike · 05/10/2022 03:52

I understand why you're thinking that way OP but you said he knew you didn't want sex/that particular type of sex, that's clear non-consent. I'm not going to push the point because I know it's hard to come to terms with and you have to do it in your own time, just know that there is support for you if you need it. Rape crisis understand that rape isn't always violent, doesn't have to involve 'pinning down' or any force at all, they will help if you decide you need it, as will we Flowers

ghostbusters · 05/10/2022 04:36

You're not making a mountain out of a molehill. Not one bit. No one can argue about how something makes you feel. They're your feelings, not your DP's.

If we were in the middle of something and I wasn't feeling it, my OH would stop if I asked (or if I looked like I wasn't enjoying it), no questions asked and he'd probably even apologise.

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 04:44

It's not his fault I find it difficult to be touched, it's mine

OP posts:
Redglitter · 05/10/2022 04:49

I think I'm making a mountain out of a mole hill like last time

So he's done this before?? You're being sexually abused by him. Don't let him persuade you it's anything else.

If he's not stopping when you ask or he's doing something you don't want to, it's not because he finds you so attractive he can't help himself. It's because he has no respect for you & is putting his wants before your feelings.

Please don't let him. However he tries to justify it - it's rape

Dontsparethehorses · 05/10/2022 04:55

It’s no one’s fault you find it difficult to be touched - it’s the reality of the situation and it will only get better if he respectfully supports you. That means going at a pace you are comfortable with. Stopping if you don’t like it. Listening and loving you. Being gentle and kind - not rough and overwhelming. You are not making a big deal out of nothing and it won’t improve if you don’t work together. If he’s not willing to take it slowly and listen he’s not allowing you consent which is taking advantage

Delilahonabike · 05/10/2022 04:57

But it is his responsibility to not touch you if you don't want to be touched OP, whether it's his fault you feel that way or not. I'm getting the impression he's made you believe he has a lot to put up with because you have past trauma and that makes it ok for him to 'not be able to stop' and that's not true.

It's a convenient way to justify what he's done but he has other options, he could suggest psychosexual therapy for the two of you, individual therapy for you to work through your trauma, or he could leave you if he's finding things difficult. He's doing none of those things, instead he's increasing your trauma by ignoring your boundaries. Please think about that and what it means in terms of what kind of man he is and how he feels about you, and please keep yourself safe if you possibly can Flowers

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 05:13

He isn't too bad though. I've had worse, I'm sat here trying to tell myself that I've had worse & it shouldn't matter. In the grand scheme of things he did nothing to me. It's just sex & need to stop over reacting like this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 05:15

But part of me wants to cover my body with bleach & scrub myself with the veg brush until my skin peels off

OP posts:
Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 05:15

I'm so confused

OP posts:
Dontsparethehorses · 05/10/2022 05:21

It shouldn’t be about what’s bad/ too bad. You should feel good about what is happening to your body. You can’t lower your expectations by comparing it to someone very abusive.

imagine this wasn’t physical but emotional or financial abuse. You used to be with someone who took all your money. So you had to beg for anything and he was totally controlling. Then you were with someone else who took all your money but gave you £10 a week. It is still controlling and just because it isn’t as bad as the first person doesn’t mean it isn’t abusive and wrong still

orbitalcrisis · 05/10/2022 05:23

This is not a compliment, it is rape. Nobody has so little control over themselves that they cannot stop themselves doing something their partner does not like or want. A compliment would be stopping even though he really wanted to do it. What he did was a crime. Just because you have experienced worse crimes does not stop it being a crime. He is also using your vulnerability to get away with abusing you, he is a terrible person.

MrsTerryPratchett · 05/10/2022 05:52

Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to? Someone who is on your side.

pilates · 05/10/2022 05:57

You need to step away.
It is putting you in a bad place.

FrancescaContini · 05/10/2022 05:59

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 02:12

If your sexual partner knew that you didn't want to take part in a particular sex act, or even have sex at all & continued anyway would you be complimented?

I have many issues in this area due to previous abuse, I don't feel good about it but he says I'm confusing things.

This is abusive and he’s an arsehole.

Noteverybodylives · 05/10/2022 06:06

If I was having sex with someone, no matter how good it felt, if he told me to stop I would immediately stop.

Obviously, some things like orgasming you cannot help or stop but any sort of movement you can.

You can then go and finish yourself off if needed.

Lots of people don’t believe in sex before marriage.
So some couples do all of the foreplay bits but stop themselves before having sex.

sarahc336 · 05/10/2022 06:08

Op anything non consensual is rape it is not a compliment. It is a boundary issue massively. Leave this guy now please he is raping you. He can stop himself and listen to you he just chooses not to which is rape, sending hugs xx

Original poster
Shell563 · 05/10/2022 06:17

He just gets a bit carried away with himself. It's not easy having me as a sexual partner, I don't really want to be touched at all, if I do it's rather limited & I tend to get freaked out. When a man touches me I tend to freeze or freak out. I try to make myself do as he wishes, it saves the guilt, sulking or him getting carried away.

I am his partner after all

OP posts:
YellowRedBlueGreen · 05/10/2022 06:20

Shell563 · 05/10/2022 02:12

If your sexual partner knew that you didn't want to take part in a particular sex act, or even have sex at all & continued anyway would you be complimented?

I have many issues in this area due to previous abuse, I don't feel good about it but he says I'm confusing things.

NO! This is not a compliment this is sexual assault OP. I also really hope it wasn't anal as that can cause a lot of physical damage. I hope you're okay x

girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 06:24

Yes his partner, not his sex doll. You matter and what he did was so, so wrong.

Whataretheodds · 05/10/2022 06:26

He is not a true partner if he is making you feel like this.

Do you have anyone you can talk to in real life? If not, you can talk to us here.

Noteverybodylives · 05/10/2022 06:26

Can I ask why you are in a relationship?

What does he bring to your life?

Maybe it’s time you were single for a while so you can learn to be alone and work out what your boundaries are.

glitterfarts · 05/10/2022 06:30

He is raping you. That is why you want to scrub yourself raw.
He is a bad egg. Please leave.

ConfusedNoMore · 05/10/2022 06:31

@Shell563 your posts made me so sad. Is there any chance you can get some counseling to help you talk about everything?

Darbs76 · 05/10/2022 06:31

Absolutely no this isn’t a compliment - it’s an excuse for him breaking the law, and sexually abusing you. Get away from this man

outtheshowernow · 05/10/2022 06:31

No that is very wrong and it's sexual abuse you must end the relationship