Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

When you've been with someone very abusive for a long time any improvement on his behaviour can make you think they're great but in reality they can still be abusing you just more subtly or just not as bad.

You know deep down this isn't right and there's a tiny voice inside telling you. If you're not ready to split up yet just remember today and look at your partners behaviours with fresh eyes going forward. I think now you've seen a chink in his behaviour you will start to notice more and more things that don't sit right with you.

Finally ask yourself if you would treat your partner the same way he's treated you? He isn't disadvantaged in terms of impulse control by being a man. If you wouldn't do the same thing to him, why wouldn't you?

Aside from his behaviour - and everyone here agrees that he’s abusive - you do realise that you don’t have to have a relationship, don’t you? It’s not compulsory. I think some time alone would be very helpful for you.

He’s sexually assaulted you and it’s not a compliment- it’s abuse

This is abuse. I think you know this, but when you’ve been under someone’s control for a long time, your perspective changes. The fact that your his partner does not give him any rights to your body. The fact that you feel your skin is crawling is a sign that your body is uncomfortable with what happened. If you do t like to be touched, and he touches you in a way that feels wrong, it IS wrong. Get out of there, get yourself safe, contact Women’s Aid, and find some help to process what’s been happening to you.

It is not a compliment. And the fault does not lie with you.

He presumably knows about your trauma? And even if he doesn't, you did not want to engage in a particular sexual act and he did it anyway. It is rape and sexual abuse.

Don't let him convince you otherwise with bullshit about 'couldn't stop myself'. Not a reason and not an excuse.

You feel sick/scared/traumatised? That's not how you should feel after sex with a loving partner. Trust your body and your own mind.

And again, as PPs have said; Womens Aid/Rape Crisis UK. Please seek help x

Op it’s not a compliment. What’s he’s doing is using that to make you feel guilty so you’ll have sex. Making you think he finds you so irristible that he wants you so much. All so you’ll have sex. So that you’ll think, he deserves to have sex with me and feel guilty that you don’t it. He is the one confusing you, not the other way around.

I imagine he knows you don’t like being touched and of your past trauma. But op, someone who loves you and cares about you would be working WITH you on this. By starting slowly, gently, working out together what is and isn’t ok for you. And taking as much time and patience as you need to build on this together.
All he is doing is basically saying I can’t be bothered with all that, I’m just going to take what I want and make her think she’s unreasonable.

please seek help. Womens aid, rape crisis. This man does not care about you op. Please try and talk to someone and get help to leave him.
He is raping you and making you think it’s a compliment. Big hugs x

I'm seeing a few mixed signals so my response will err on the optimistic side rather than the rapey one... I don't think PERHAPS here it's a question of consent or 'rapey', but about patience. I think there's a big difference between forcing yourself on someone that has said they don't want it, and occasionally (accidentally) overstepping a comfort line for someone that has had a rough past and needs to be gradually warmed up to it???

The questions you need to ask are:
Do you actually love him?
Do you WANT to eventually have real sex with him, or do you simply feel you SHOULD have sex with him because that's 'normal'?

If you want a sexual relationship and he occasionally gets carried away, then that is something to BOTH work on... he needs to be clear what no means, and you need to accept that allowing him to be that close and being told no just at the "good part" can be incredibly frustrating and attempts will be made to push boundaries...
IF however, you are just doing it because you think you should and he is being pushy, guilt-tripping you and not respecting boundaries, yes that is rape, because you shouldn't be made to do ANYTHING you don't want.

I don't feel good about it but he says I'm confusing things

He could say you were from Mars. Would think that might be true, too?

You don't feel good. He doesn't respect that. He puts his preferences above that.

All that matters, ever, is how you feel. If he feels he can't help getting 'carried away', and you feel uncomfortable, then respect your feelings, not his. Your feeling come first, not his. Do you understand that, @Shell563 ? Do you understand that the person who has to look after your feelings is you? And that you have to look after your feelings in priority to anybody else's? This is really important.

Fucking hell, stop making excuses for this absolute piece of shit.

Being a partner with someone means your sex life is fulfilling and consensual for both parties. He is abusing you. End of story.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond to my post, sorry I didn't think it would need a trigger warning.

I feel like I need to explain a bit, he isn't a bad person! I know bad men. He has known me for a long time, he knows bits about my past, but I'm not comfortable sharing everything.

This relationship is relatively new, we don't get a lot of time together because of my situation, so I understand that sex is where he wants to go each time. He isn't forcing me! Yes, he has pinned me down a few times, but men like that don't they? Just because I don't, isn't life about compromises? If I had my way I'd never have a human being, male or female touch me again, apart from a hug.

Even a hug leads to wondering hands. When we first met up again (after a gap of a number of years, post my abusive marriage) a hug led to a hand on my knee, which led to a hand running up my thigh, which led to him putting his fingers inside me. I just froze. If he was a bad man he would have taken things further. He didn't stop, but he didn't have sex with me, doesn't that prove something?

No. He is abusing you.

And no, men do not like pinning women down if it is not as part of a consensual sexual relationship. Only abusers do that.

Why do you think you can’t have your way op? You have total autonomy over your body

Everything you have described is sexual abuse and assault, OP.

You can leave him. What's making you feel you can't?

he isn't a bad person!
Good people don't have sex with the unwilling.

isn't life about compromises?
When you're talking about things like pizza toppings, not bodily autonomy.

If I had my way I'd never have a human being, male or female touch me again, apart from a hug.
Then you should have your way.

He didn't stop, but he didn't have sex with me, doesn't that prove something?
Yes, that he's a bad person who violated you.

Nail on the head

(Gentle, non sexual, hug)

you need to stop seeing him.

A man who was interested in YOU, would not see you for the first time in years & would not do what he did.

He'd take the time to properly connect with you & see where you wanted to take things.

A man who cared about you, would NOT pin you down, unless you had told him it was something you enjoyed.

if he inadvertently did something you didn't like, he'd stop, he'd make sure you were ok & not start anything sexual unless you indicated you wanted you.

he or previous men have you thinking that you being so sexy/hot/whatever they just can't resist you & you shouldn't expect them to! It's crap! You could be/might be the sexiest woman in the world and a man can stop doing whatever he's doing if he respects you. He might still cum, but he can stop touching you in any way!!

you might be his partner, but he has NO right to touch you in any way you don't want him to.

he's abusing you, hard to hear I know, but he is. It's YOUR BODY, YOURS!

My skin isn't crawling as much as much as it was, you see, the feeling has faded a little. I'm sure when my husband would punish me the feeling lasted longer, doesn't this say something about how bad it was or wasn't? This is what my brain is telling me, it's not that bad.

My ex husband would force me to perform sex acts he knew I hated to punish me, to shut me up. I wanted to die, I'd try so hard to make him happy, anything to stop him being so cruel to me. I don't want to go into details but I'd agree to perform certain sex acts to calm him, or to stop him doing worse to me. It didn't always work but I'd try.

With this partner he doesn't beat me, call me names, take my money or stop my carers coming or anything. All he does is have sex with me. We had a relationship before my husband was on the scene, so it's not like he hasn't done these acts to me before so why does it bother me? I think that's complicated things, he has had me so many times, he doesn't even pay attention, not really so I can't be surprised if he is caught up in the moment & doesn't notice I'm crying.

I can't complain he didn't see me crying & dying inside because all I can feel is my ex & his weight pushing upon me.

Please please get out now this is horrific abuse.

Speak to womens aid...I don't know why you are still seeing him given that it's just sex really and you don't want sex but they can help you figure that out

Enthusiastic consent is the bare minimum.

He is assaulting you, and raping you and he doesn't respect or love you.

I'm sorry to be so blunt.

You can continue to try to justify this to yourself as 'not as bad as the previous person' but you are like the boiled frog who has just been put into luke warm water and thinks she has been set free

You say you have carers, do you have any social services or adult services involved in your life. If there someone you can turn to for support?

💔💔💔💔💔💔😮😮😮please get help get out this is just sickening to read your being abused big time. Emotionally physically gentle safe hug.

This is an excuse to ignore your request to stop, not a compliment.