Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

I think I feel more deflated because of how I felt after, that skin creeping feeling, I hate it, & it's worse than before. I found myself thinking I should never have questioned him, because his actions are hurting me more now than they were & I hate it. I didn't think that would happen.

I use to judge women (just a tiny bit), thinking if things were that bad at home they would go.

However I didn't. Somehow it's easier to stay. It sounds stupid to say that when you hate something, but change, especially when it could make things worse is so frighting. Now I know how the system works I'm especially scared, because there is no justice, & my husband was so mad when he found out police were involved, even now I don't feel 100% safe & he doesn't know where I am.

I still don't think I deserve to feel good, those fuck toy comments from my ex have stuck with me. If I were being really honest I think deserve this, but I don't know why.

Here is something maybe you or someone will get. Deep down I think this can't be abuse, because how would I have found myself here again? What are the chances? Is it not more likely I'm getting this wrong? Last night I was back to thinking all this was normal & I just need to shut up & just find a way to not freak out while he does whatever.

Before I posted days ago, I'd spent weeks surfing Mumsnet trying to find ways to just cope with the acts themselves, not that he cares a great deal. He has even told me I'm putting him off once or twice, so I turned my head away.
All I found was women who were post baby or premenopause & not so keen on sex, but still wanting their partner.

I found the sex area of the site, but just scanning the titles was enough to know I did not want to open them, let alone post.

@Shell563 you said you wished you would be able to help others. You may not realise this, but you already have. By being brave and opening up about how you feel, and taking those steps back to yourself. You very well may influence any woman too anxious to post, but nevertheless going through similar. Keep going, everyone is cheering you on!

I DO feel ashamed, so ashamed. I feel ashamed I've let this happen, because I did. I let them hurt me & now I'm bitching about it. I'm complaining to people who deserve better than to spend time on me.

I wish I could believe everything I read here, but I don't, not really. Some bits make a bit more sense. I find I can believe something one minute, & then not the next.

I've heard of fight or flight. I shall Google this. Thank you for sharing with me. Society thinks we should kick & punch, I've never ever done that. My brain goes fuzzy, & these days even earlier than before.

The counselling I had was like limited, & looking back I wasted so much of it talking about anything but the reason I was there. I don't want to take time from the helpline when someone more deserving could be using it. What if I talk to them & still do nothing about it? I'd feel bad.

You won't find many threads with abuse as severe as you are experiencing OP, there's a reason so many PP's have referred to your posts as 'harrowing'. And you won't find any with advice on how to endure it, everyone here just wants you safe and away from this man. This board is the right place for you to post, the sex board is definitely not appropriate so you did right not clicking.

You 'let' them because you had no choice, how many times have you said on this thread that you're afraid of worse if you try to say no? So how can that possibly be your fault? You're focusing on all the things you think you 'should' be doing or 'should' have done in the past and it's putting so much pressure on you it's paralysing you and making it impossible for you to see what you can do to help yourself now. Right now the focus has to be on stopping this man abusing you further, everything else, including whose 'fault' any of this is, can wait.

I guess so, yes.

But part of me still feel he has needs & I should just do it.
Especially if it's this or something worse.
But I don't want it.
But he isn't being forceful
Part of me thinks I SHOULD want it
It's only sex.

It's like I'm caught in a loop, I change my views constantly

This thread reminds me of the story about the skeleton woman, whose bones were scattered all over the desert. She had to gather them up and put herself back together from nothing. Your story is so old, OP, that there are legends about it. Stories of how to bring ourselves back from the dead, sew our souls back into our bodies, and save our own lives.

It's not easy. No one is saying it's easy. No one here thinks you should just be able to click your fingers and change everything. Just keep inching forwards, little by little. You're going to get to the other side, and you're going to be so proud of yourself.

I think talking to the helpline people is good. You say you prefer to type rather than text, so just to let you know that Women's Aid has a 'chat' function. Also you can text or email the Samaritans. I used to volunteer for Samaritans and a lot of people emailed us. You can't see any identifying information on the emails that come through. You might find it easier to try and 'talk' that way. But do keep talking to the helpline as well.

(Oh and you don't need to be feeling suicidal to contact Samaritans. They are there to listen to everybody.)

Okay, so this is what I mean. I don't view what happens as harrowing as it could be, not that is doesn't feel bad. The way I cope during & after something bad is to remind myself it could have been worse, because it could. Don't think that means I want it, because I don't.

I was looking for advice to cope with having sex, the emotional part, maybe some of the physical pain I sometimes have, but again, there is no way I could ever imagine myself talking about that. I tried Google but my god, no, just no. Someone else could have covered it.

This all started because of this compliment comment, he really seems to think I should be grateful he wants me so much. I'm not even sure it's me he wants. I do still think it's better if I don't get upset & get it over with, but yesterday I got even more upset. He didn't tell me I was putting him off this time, so I felt less guilty about that.

I am really sorry if my posting has caused people pain or suffering because I've tried to keep things basic, but also like the other night when I explained the how's & why's when I was frustrated the other night when I didn't feel I was explaining why saying no isn't so easy.

I'm both glad & sad others have felt the same.

It's felt like some were saying it's easy to just say no. It's a word at the end of the day. I admit I've not stood up & stamped my feet whilst shouting "no" like some affirmation to try & stop men. That is how it seems like some people think I should have handled this, including me.

Actually I often don't even move his hand anymore, I didn't yesterday. I'm sure I will be jumped on for this, but I just freeze, I die a little inside & tell myself it will stop in a minute. It feels like hours though.

Part of me thinks I SHOULD want it

Where does the 'should' come from? I mean, nothing in you is telling you that you want to do it; quite the opposite. So the 'You should do it' is external. It's someone or something else telling you that you should. Who or what is that? This will be key to your recovery. Currently there's some kind of external arbiter whose 'shoulds' you're having obey. Realising and recognising that that power over you does not exist is crucial.

Can you break it down, where that 'should' comes from, that tells you you 'should' allow men to do stuff to you, even when you don't want to? It's not this guy, is it, because it's happened before him.

Just so you know, I told social workers I didn't want safeguarding last time. I was told because it's hard physically for me to get away from my abuser it didn't matter, they were having the meeting.

Later on when they saw evidence of abuse & admitted a bit & was asked if I wanted the police calling I said no. They were called anyway. If you don't believe me these things happen, try asking a social worker or police officer.

It is very easy to tell someone something is wrong. I use to think it's ridiculous people go back to a partner who cheats repeatedly. Then I met one, my friends mum. She was sad, lonely & also broken, she thought she would get no better, her relationship history looking back was horrible from what I knew. I didn't think she deserved it. She never changed from what I can remember, but then again it was years ago & maybe she didn't have anyone telling her life could be different or what is normal. It's easy for police to say x is wrong but when everyone in your life does the opposite & you think that those people in your life know you, the police don't, it's hard.

Thank you for posting.
I'm sorry you have suffered in life & hope you find peace.

I understand completely why you haven't stamped or shouted 'no' OP and the blame lies entirely with the men who have abused you, none of this is your fault. The trouble is that you can't change the behaviour of abusive men, all you can do is learn ways to protect yourself from having anything to do with them.

And that's what we want to help you with, everything else can be worked through afterwards and in your own time but for now we just need to work out how to stop him (or anyone) hurting you any more. You have a huge amount of support here, we can help you find the strength if you let us.

Things like this make me doubt myself you see, I'd have thought the same "act" should result in the same feelings?

It feels worse @Shell563 because now you're more aware that what he's doing is not ok. You've become more aware it's r*pe, damaging and severe.

Also that you know you were planning to split up with him, and were more determined in that. So 'sex' with him is even more the opposite of what you wanted to do, and you didn't plan on it happening, even less than you didn't plan on it before. It's contrary to everything you want and know you need to do.

This is not a criticism, your situation is difficult. I just mean these reasons are probably part of why it felt worse. Plus you know he's evil and unpredictable now and who wants to shag someone evil.

Here is something maybe you or someone will get. Deep down I think this can't be abuse, because how would I have found myself here again? What are the chances?

It's very common for women who've been in abusive relationships to end up in another abusive relationship.

1. Childhood factors may have rendered them more vulnerable (this is something that can be worked on; recognizing red flags, building a 'shark cage' etc.)

2. You have a disability so abusers might target you as you're more vulnerable, also quite isolated etc.

3. Women think 'he's not abusive compared to the last one' so they put up with more than women who haven't been abused do. Of course, abusers tend to gradually get worse though.

I'm so sorry for what you experienced, truly.

Thank you though for sharing. This thread has at time left me feeling so alone, & yet surrounded by support. Its clearly not just me who has experienced such things, & I hope those posters who were questioning if I could be real see that some women really do have such crappy pasts.
Thank you for saying sometimes it's just safer to let these men get on with it. I don't feel so alone.

I'll be honest even once I realised i still kept putting myself in situations where it was quicker and safer to just let them get on with it.

Can I ask (not pressing for info) was it harder for you to cope with afterwards? Knowing that what those men were doing to you wasn't your fault but still being there? After the last visit from my partner I just feel so bad.

When I was trying to explain to others on here how I couldn't call for help right now is in part because of this, as well as the potential outcome from professionals I felt so frustrated that no one could ever imagine being so frightened.

I don't know how you came to realise it wasn't you at fault, but if you have any insight I'd love to hear it.

I reread your post, at no point did I read it & think you were responsible for your past, yet for my situation, I am at fault.

My social worker seemed surprised my ex husband & I had ever had a consensual sexual relationship (although, looking back. I'm questioning even a lot of that), & I remember my SOLO at a meeting clearly reminding the group of professionals that disabled people are allowed sex lives! She later told me because men like my husband are viewed as carers & such good people for "putting up" with a disabled partner it's like they gain a god like status. People don't think of the disabled having sex, so it doesn't occur to those professionals they could be being sexually abused by their partner. A perfect storm.

Re helplines, should I not be talking about the current situation? I feel like the situation with my ex husband is something I should be over.

Did you get counselling specifically for abuse or something general through the NHS?

You sound like such a strong person, I can't imagine being like you.

I hope you have experienced some positive experiences too.

Thank you for the hug too, really.

Oh, nothing wrong with hoarding cats.

Why did I post?

I posted because I felt so crap after what he did that night. I could see that it's nice your partner wanted you, a tiny bit of of me was flattered someone wanted me, & he wasn't being really, really cruel to me.

I just felt so horrible afterwards. When he left I lay for hours wondering if this was ever going to stop being like this & if I could face living anymore like this.

If it was a compliment I was going to resign myself to just doing whatever I had to do to get each act over with as quickly as possible, even if that involved things I hated even more what had just happened. If I couldn't do that I was looking at ways out.

If it wasn't a compliment maybe someone could tell me what to say to him to change him.

That's what I was after

I can't speak for others, just me. As I have said I've tried to answer questions in order. I did skip this page after my last post trying to get people to understand how I felt because I was worried how people had responded.

Since then at least one poster shared her history of repeated abuse. So it is not just me.

I've just explained to someone why I posted, feel free to read it.

I'm not asking anyone to respond to me. I thought this post would be maybe 2pages. I don't know what I could do to prove any of this. I could copy the posts I made four years ago asking if my husband's mental health explained his abuse & said I was being safeguarded & scared. I didn't mention past abuse in it because it wasn't the issue. Someone asked when I first had something forced on me, I answered. I didn't expect this post to end up with a trigger warning because it was a relationship question.

I can prove I'm disabled easily enough.

You can report me if you wish, I'm happy to share details that prove the abuse with my husband, my disability etc if that helps people. If you can think of some way I can prove to you, I will.

It's sad it has to come to this when people are questioned. I'm not blaming you, just the people who lie that means others aren't taken seriously. Please remember not everyone has perfect life.

Because I have a care package, not a placement, so I do have time alone. I'm not on some kind of supervision with someone within arm's length of me 24/7. I'm an adult with capacity with care & support needs.
I am allowed visitors like anyone else. My ex is in my care plan because of the level of risk he poses, nothing else. I may not longer be under safeguarding, but they do still have a duty of care towards me.

Would you ask someone like a carer who you don't really know or get along with to get involved with your life? I doubt it. They come, do their job & leave, that is all. At least one I cannot understand let alone have a chat with, but there is a shortage of carers so I don't get a choice.

I have had social workers who set up care packages, once you are set up you don't see them again.

The police/SOLO & IDVA were involved with my ex husband, nothing more. This was the safeguarding.

Counselling, 20 sessions which I struggled to open up with. Once we could thatbis because you can only do pre trial therapy (IE not talk about the case) because it can be used against you in court if something is mentioned documented wrong.

My parents do love me, they don't know about this side of my life, well they know my ex was arrested for domestic abuse, no details.

The situation with my ex was by the end very different to this, I know what he started doing was wrong. This situation isn't the same to me. I'm sure a man being lovely to me would still feel pretty horrible in many ways.

The difference between professionals saying something & normal woman something is that one live in a dream world, who follow guidelines & act at the first sign of potential issue, to safeguard.

Actual woman living real relationships may have a very different experience. In the same way one woman saying something is different to lots of women saying it.
I admit, I don't totally believe he is wrong. I'm sorry but I don't. But something is different in me, & I'm not 100% sure I like it, but it's where I am.

I also wouldn't ask my 60 year old social worker if her husband getting carried away was a compliment, would you?

"I DO feel ashamed, so ashamed. I feel ashamed I've let this happen, because I did. I let them hurt me & now I'm bitching about it. I'm complaining to people who deserve better than to spend time on me"
@Shell563

Just picking up this from one of your posts. Of course you feel ashamed. That is natural. You're in a cycle of blame, shame and guilt. But it is not your shame. The shame is all on him. He knows what he's doing to you. He knows your not into him or it. He does it anyway. You are not to blame, you are reacting to past abuse. And you have done nothing to feel guilty about.

An abused woman is more likely to enter into further abusive relationships. That's a fact. It's not that you are doing something that no other woman would do. You are in fact reacting perfectly normally.

one day you will look back at this thread and marvel at how far you have come. But that Won't be tomorrow or next week or even next month. It's a long process you are just as the beginning so be kind to yourself and don't beat your self up if you don't get where you want to be straight away.

Just take strength in knowing that you can do this!

Ooh and anyone commenting on here is here because they want to be OK!

Disappointed x

I tried to keep what I said loose enough no weirdo would find it exciting but clear to enough to show just what runs through my head, what my fear is.

At the start someone else gave some examples of anal sex & something else. I considered then explaining a bit more, but I don't want to get into details, attract the wrong people & I could not see how it helped.

Someone asked when I was first abused, I answered, I didn't explain who, how or for how long. I asked questions that I felt stupid asking, but I needed to be sure. You aren't here when it happens, so what you/someone else considers enough effort to stop this is not the same as mine. I'm still not 100% convinced.

If you can think of a better way for me to explain I'm open to it. Please note that more detailed response was in part frustration that no one could see what I could. It's so easy for some of you to understand, not all of you though.

@Shell563 Apologies for shitty format my tablet is being a bitch tonight.

Me: I'll be honest even once I realised i still kept putting myself in situations where it was quicker and safer to just let them get on with it.

You: Can I ask (not pressing for info) was it harder for you to cope with afterwards? Knowing that what those men were doing to you wasn't your fault but still being there? After the last visit from my partner I just feel so bad.

Me: Yes. it got harder and harder to cope with as the realisation of how my past was influencing my present for stronger. The same seems to be happening wi th you.

You: I don't know how you came to realise it wasn't you at fault, but if you have any insight I'd love to hear it.

Me: because I realised that something that seemed to be fun and happy and something my friends looked forward to filled me with dread and then self loathing after the event. And it's meant to be fun and happy!

You:I reread your post, at no point did I read it & think you were responsible for your past, yet for my situation, I am at fault.

Me: you might feel like it was your fault but judging from the bits you've wrote on here I think most of us if we heard the whole story would be about 99% sure it wasnt actually your fault!

You: Re helplines, should I not be talking about the current situation? I feel like the situation with my ex husband is something I should be over.

me: you talk to them about whatever and whoever is taking up the most headspace. You might be surprised when you start taking about what fights to get out of your head and mouth first!

You: Did you get counselling specifically for abuse or something general through the NHS?

Me: it was based around the abuse yes. And through the nhs.

you: You sound like such a strong person, I can't imagine being like you.

Me: you are just like me. Do you have any idea how strong you've already been coming on here? Coming back, despite your obvious discomfort? That's strong! You are strong!

you: I hope you have experienced some positive experiences too.

Me: I have a very boring but content life these days! That's enough to keep me happy

You:Oh, nothing wrong with hoarding cats.

Me: damn right!

You don't need to respond to the people criticising your post, shell. MN are happy so these people are just having a go. Unfortunately you always get a few like that on every post.

Hey I didn’t mean to cause any offence at all. I have no clue what it feels like to be “disabled” in the eyes of the law and have “measures” put upon you. I see a human being being harmed who needs to be alone and heal. As a fellow human being who sees her in pain in others. I wish I could help you. (I also understand why people think you are trolling) if you are genuine, I wish you the best, if not, touch grass