Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

@Shell563 Another thing that's the best for trauma is EMDR therapy. It has an impact on the effects of trauma, whatever they may be in the individual's life.

I get what you're saying. But I think it is getting through to her. I hope so, anyway.

@JustKittenAround

What's your point? That we should stop posting advice to OP?

No, that Op shouldn't be posting more graphic abuse updates to get advice. I think she's shared enough of the details that everyone has said it's abuse. No point
sharing more because posters here don't need convincing it's abuse. And she risks attention from predators online who get off on graphic rape and abuse stories, and can post on here trying to illicit more details from OP.

I don't think anyone here has been trying to get more details. Quite the opposite, really.

I have not gone back to through todays messages because to be honest I don't want to right now. It's embarrassing, I'm sure I will just be told it is easy to solve this by someone.

I have tried really hard to be as honest as I can be about my life here, even if that is not how my post started. It is hard, without giving too much away because my life is not here to be picked over.

My posts have not gone into details about sexual acts (eg me agreeing to x but not y or whatever) because I don't want some perv getting off on it. I also don't want to upset anyone. More to the point, I do not want to go over it again. The past is the past & need it to stay there.

My last post was just me wanting someone, ANYONE to see that it is not that easy when it is just you & you are scared & you know what could happen, when you have tried to stop things (even if some of you think I have not tried enough) & it does not work.

Today

It wasn't great, but maybe progress, although I am conflicted about it.

I tried to put him off, I didn't manage to. I tried to tell him I didn't think this was working as someone suggested. He wanted to talk, I let him in to use the toilet. It was stupid, but I was scared. I thought we were getting somewhere in the conversation, but it took a turn in the direction I said to myself would not happen. I failed & to be honest I feel worse than before.

When it was just me having the odd niggling feeling he was not right I would tell myself I was being stupid. Now I am feeling more sure it is not me, & not ok. A part of me still thinks I'm being stupid (please do not be angry with me for this, it's just a part), but I am trying to think back to what other people have said about him. He does not have a right to me & I need to change this.

I'm somehow sadder today about what happened than before I started questioning this the other day, it feels shit. I felt angry at him & with me when he left.

I've also called a local helpline, I didn't say as much as I had planned to, I felt stupid & that I was taking time from someone else. I did share bits. We spoke a bit about a safety plan, I just agreed knowing that it is not that easy in my shoes, I got upset & hung up. I am going to try again monday.

It's not the update I hoped to give.

I feel deflated, like I'd started my morning with a plan to swim the channel & drowned within 50m.

I forgot to add, thank you again for getting me to this point. I am sure after my update it does not feel like it is much, but the words from all of you have been seen (apart from the bit I said about & even that I plan to force myself to do - self care was something the lady mentioned) & some of them absorbed.

Is he at your house now or has he left?

If he's gone, just text him and tell him it's over. You don't need to do it face to face.

Now I am feeling more sure it is not me, & not ok. Do not underestimate the progress in this and the fact that for the first time you are actually seeing it may not be you but him.

That is amazing and that you feel confident to contact a helpline. In an ideal world these things happen straightaway - in real life it is often small painful steps and today you made one

I am so happy to hear the progress you've made! That is awesome. Be proud of yourself and let it fuel you with a bit of confidence. I know I'm just a stranger on the internet, but I'm proud of you @Shell563 .

Now I am feeling more sure it is not me, & not ok.
You're so right about this.

A part of me still thinks I'm being stupid (please do not be angry with me for this, it's just a part), but I am trying to think back to what other people have said about him.
I don't think you're stupid. You're facing up to something really hard. I admire you for your courage. Keep reading over the posts that have helped you here. You can always keep posting or make more threads whenever you need to.

He does not have a right to me & I need to change this.
Absolutely he does not have any right to you whatsoever, and yes, you need to change it. And you will.

I felt angry at him & with me when he left.
Anger is GOOD. Anger is a good energy to have when you're trying to do something difficult. Cultivate your anger and let it fuel your next steps.

I feel deflated, like I'd started my morning with a plan to swim the channel & drowned within 50m.
Nope, you haven't drowned. You've made yourself a raft. This is a great update, OP

@Shell563 you've done so well, not in a patronising way, but after your last post about what you've been through you've done a great thing by calling a helpline.
Hopefully next time he comes to the door you'll have the strength not to open it. The only people who need access to your home will have access through the keysafe, so don't even engage if someone knocks at the door.

You have lots of people supporting you here and hoping for only the best for you, and I'm glad we've been able to help you, even just a small bit, to make the next step!

@Shell563 slow and steady wins the race!

I said in the early hours this is a case of two steps forward and one step back. Yes you might not always achieve what you want as quickly as you want but any progress is good.

I'm glad you are realising that it's not you it's him!

And pleaser do ring a help line again. Remember you are not wasting their time they exist to help people like you. You are just as important as the person they spoke to before you and the person they will speak to after you.

You matter.

Keep going. You have the ability within you to be a strong confident woman!

Disappointed x

I know it might not feel like it but that is SUCH a positive update! When you wrote your first post you couldn’t even see the channel let alone make a plan to cross it! (To continue your analogy) you also reached out for help and plan to do so again on Monday.

the road out may well be slow and have bumps on it but you have a road and hundreds of women on here supporting you and caring about you. We will celebrate every mini victory and support you through the tougher times too.

well done!

That’s definitely a good start: you needed the support boat on the way across the channel but that’s us- we’re all here for you

OP your fantastic you’ve made a huge leap well done very proud of you.

I feel deflated, like I'd started my morning with a plan to swim the channel & drowned within 50m

People don't get up and decide to swim the channel, and then succeed at it that morning. You keep trying and trying, over and over.

You've done right: you have tried, for you. That's the only thing that matters: your recognition that this is all for you.

It is sad, walking away from abuse. I know that's a weird thing to say, but you're walking away from the person you've always been, and from a person you thought you were connected to. If it was easy and fun, everybody would walk away from abuse immediately. They don't, because it's hard. We all know, here, that it's hard. I don't think anybody will view you in such a negative light as you do: you've done really well to acknowledge the problem, and to start taking steps, and assessing how well you did for yourself. Your feeling that you didn't do well is essentially 'I didn't do well enough for myself'. The fact that you are even trying for yourself is a huge change in mindset. Everything you were saying before was about him and what he wanted and about how your 'self' didn't deserve a voice. Now you are listening to that voice, and feeling it has expectations of you: that's your boundaries calling you, and you're listening. That's what people with happy, comfortable, respectful lives do. They listen to what their natural boundaries, their feelings, tell them.

So glad you're trying again on Monday. Keep us updated. I'm sure I'm not the only one who is rooting for you to get this man out of your life, and to finally relax and feel that your life is your own, for you to enjoy in any way that you please.

Great comment @Watchkeys Agree with every word.

That's a good update @Shell563 . Well done. Keep going xx

Your update is fantastic OP! You’ve made HUGE positive steps!

PLEASE continue to stay strong.
PLEASE continue to seek help.
PLEASE keep trying to get this vile man out of your life. You will become stronger each day. Keep referring to this thread as a reminder that what you’ve been through/going through is NOT normal or acceptable.

Thank you beastlyslumber, you & so many others have been so kind & I can't understand why because I am nothing in the grand scheme of things. I wish I had the ability to help others but when I do read posts on the website & consider replying I just think why would anyone want to hear from me? Especially if I'm just another voice saying the same thing. I guess what this has shown me is sometimes more than one voice makes something more true.

Believe me, I'd never make another post on here. Understandingly people wondered if I was a troll, although how you ever prove you aren't I don't know, I did offer Mumsnet some proof, they declined. I've also found it hard to to come back on here a few times for fear of reading something I'd find horrible. I dreaded one post stating I'd led him on, because if that was the case I knew that one would scream louder to me than the others & I'd be back at the start again.

It feels like I (NOT others) should fight harder to stop men. The helpline said that women don't fight back (as I also saw in the Mumsnet help link) like I'd imagine every other woman in the whole world does. It's weird that I seem to think I'm so different, I don't even know when that started.

I might be feeling more sure, but it's far from 100%. Last night I found myself back to doubting myself.

Re the anger at him, even that I doubt! It's stupid.
I also feel angry at me, & somehow worse physically than when I posted the other night that started this. That feeling inside your soul where it feels like you are dying a little. I just let him do it, again & I promised myself I wouldn't. I'm ashamed at myself.

I do like the life raft comment though

Again Daisychainsx thank you too.

I should have said more. It's easier to type than talk, I hate the word r**e, it feels so violent & horrible, my skin crawls when I read it, it's why I had to find a helpline that didn't include that word, & one that I didn't think would be so busy because I don't want to take the time someone else could be using.

I hung up the first few times. I couldn't think what to say to her & I'm frustrated with myself for not doing better.

I also feel ... somehow worse physically than when I posted the other night that started this. That feeling inside your soul where it feels like you are dying a little.

You feel worse because you're no longer in denial about what's really happening. And yes, what he is doing to you is hurting your soul. But you are standing up for yourself, and that is really important. Don't be ashamed. The only person who should be ashamed is him.

Women often don't fight back. When I was assaulted, I always froze. Even now, if I am really triggered, my response is to freeze. When we talk about 'fight or flight' in response to danger, it's actually more complex than that. Pete Walker (who writes about cptsd) says it's Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn. Or maybe a combination of those. Fawning being trying to be nice and accomodating and pleasing to the person harming you. I am a freeze and fawn type myself. It's normal and common.

You know, you can call the helpline and say exactly what you've said here: "I don't know what to say." They are there to listen. Maybe talk about some gentler subjects so you feel more comfortable with the person. Take your time.

Another good way of looking at it Disappointed

I scanned the page I didn't want to look at earlier & will be replying you especially.

I'm worried there maybe more steps back than forward. My body feels worse after our last encounter than before. I don't understand why because he didn't do anything different. Maybe you will get this (I did scan your last post) in a way others don't, although understanding from anyone would be helpful at this point. Things like this make me doubt myself you see, I'd have thought the same "act" should result in the same feelings?

Again, another stupid question, do people feel vastly different every single time they do the same act with their partner? I get that being tired for example would change things, & I'm not talking about satisfaction. Emotionally, or is this me again?

It's really not that positive, I almost didn't come back you know, or I considered pretending everything had gone perfectly. But people took time to help me, & it didn't go right.

Thank you

it didn't go right

It didn't go perfectly, according to your very high expectations of yourself. It was an improvement though. You can't deny that you are now thinking more about what you want and need, and how to go about getting it. That's better than before, when you were just dismissing everything you wanted.

Isn't it?