Is this a compliment? *[content warning: concerns sexual abuse]

[Shell563]

Would you see it as a compliment if a partner said he couldn't stop himself when you were having sex?

^but having something click & then get a phone call arranging another visit from your "partner" for tomorrow, who claims to care about you when part of you now thinks they don't give two shits at all & is just using you as something to fuck.
Because that is what I am isn't it?
I have sat here wondering what the bloody hell I have allowed my life to become & wondered how to get out of it without making it worse, without involving half the county & having to standup & say "yep, hello SARC, me again", knowing I WILL be judged & at this rate have professionals wonder if I'm even capable of living alone because clearly I make terrible choices!!^

Ok. You make physical actions first. Call someone who can help you change the code if you can't do it yourself. Change it.

Send him a message 'this relationship is no longer working for me and I'm not going to change my mind. I don't want to see you again. If you come round I will call the police.' (saying that bit is mostly to deter him from coming round- probably that's all you'll need. )

Block him on everything. If he does turn up, ignore him or call the police.

I meant if there is something in my behaviour is leading to a flashing light above my head saying idiot here then I need to change that.

You can work through that once you're out of the current situation, which isn't safe.

Which leads to safeguarding, I can't have that. I don't want to involve the carers while here

I'm not sure what he would do anymore, it's not as clear cut with my ex but he has been rather aggressive in a past.

More silly questions, are men who push sexual boundaries more likely to be physically violent?

This thread breaks my heart!
You don’t have to go to court and prosecute. All you need to do is inform your carers that you are going to end the relationship and that you don’t want him into your home and you are scared of him. This will set the ball rolling and set off safeguarding measures as your carers are legally supposed to protect you. They are all trained in safeguarding and POVA.
Standing up for yourself will prove you have capacity to recognise you are being abused. If the police become involved to ensure your safety if you are scared, surely they would treat this like a domestic violence issue, they can put alarms in the house or cctv if he turns up. You don’t have to go through this! (A friend of mine had an alarm in her house if her ex turned up, that went directly to the police and they came out straight away).
Be honest, do you want to end this “relationship” or are you more scared of being lonely?
Life only changes if we make it change. I’m thinking of you and wish you all the happiness and contentment for the future. You deserve peace and happiness!

There is a difference between carers reporting abuse that you don’t understand is happening to you, which means you lack capacity, and you asking for help because you understand you are being abused and have capacity

You don’t have to go to court and prosecute. All you need to do is inform your carers that you are going to end the relationship and that you don’t want him into your home and you are scared of him. This will set the ball rolling and set off safeguarding measures as your carers are legally supposed to protect you. They are all trained in safeguarding and POVA.

OP doesn't want to start that.

@Shell563 I think you could just say to the carers you've ended the relationship and they're not to let him in your home. That won't invoke any safeguarding like saying you're scared of him might.

I mean, obviously the safeguarding protocol could be a good idea, but if it's putting you off stopping seeing the guy, cutting contact with this guy (safely) is the most important thing.

To everyone who asked what I'm scared of.

That he comes here & gets angry with me for trying to stop this & abuses me even worse. Someone is going to come back with "how can it be worse". It can, it has been.

I keep saying I don't want to go into details, but this is as mild as I can make it.

Please don't read this if you have history

I've been beaten & sexually assaulted over the years leading to scaring on several parts of my body, using whatever came to hand in the house. Sex was my punishment for being bad, for not listening or shutting up. This especially aggressive type of assault didn't happen every single time, but enough that I learned my place & when to shut up & do whatever act was required to avoid a repeat.
I still didn't avoid a repeat. I get triggered all the time by stupid everyday items that I hope none of you ever have to look at in fear & feel your muscles tense up as you remember them hitting or entering your body & no one stopped it.

I did try & leave, & I'd get caught & in more trouble & I'd be hurt again & again. I stopped trying.

When I try to stop another man (partner) who I'm being told doesn't care about me by his actions (I can see that, a bit, & it embarrasses me) & he just tells me he won't be long or sweeps my hand away, what do you think I imagine? What my body imagines? Yes. Okay, a different man, but a man all the same.

Police you say? How many of you have done that? I have! I layed there with a crisis worker & my SOLO & a forensic nurse sit in my room in a nursing home with me (SARCs can travel if your mobility is so poor, should you know anyone who unfortunately needs their services) looking between my legs taking taking wet & dry swobs from parts of my body I don't want to touch anymore, let alone allow someone else to, even if only 1/3 are actually looking up there, it's 1 too many.

I recorded my statements, I waited almost one year to achieve nothing. I humiliated myself for nothing. I'm not the only one, I get that & I got away, just. I am grateful for that..

Imagine you are a carer, you see me, your client tomorrow, I tell you I'm scared of ending a relationship. You know a bit of my history (it's in my fucking care plan), what would you do? You call oncall. Care company call the safeguarding hub, they explain & send out another social worker (they only keep your case open while doing something with you so newbie it is), I sit with more police, my GP & have a lovely little chat about what an absolute idiot I am. I will be pushed into reporting again, why? So few cases get to court. More humiliation.

Now I have two men who could turn up here, one who doesn't know my address & now ex partner who does. Of course, "you can never 100% safeguarded" as my SOLO told me last time. I'm the one here all the time, no one else.

I could move, well, why not, I have money to burn, not! Of course, social housing is so easy & accessible, (not), then what?

Do you see? Do you see why it's not just so easy?

I am going to do my best to not be touched anymore, but it's not so easy, especially when a part of my brain says I'm the problem. I am fighting & I'm sorry if that isn't enough for anyone.

Women not being protected is societies fault not yours! I can’t even tell you why I’m want you to feel safe! I’ve locked my trauma away. Like I said “safeguarding” is for people/children/dementia/sen who are incapable or lack capacity to defend themselves. You have the capacity or capability to KNOW what is happening is wrong. Own that, what can happen to you that hasn’t already? Get that man out of your life, I’m done with this now. I can’t help anyone who does not desire to help themselves. I will leave you with this, “everything we think, we are, and we become”. Think better and you will be better visualise your future and go for it. Nobody can do that but YOU

@Shell563 oh sweetheart I'm sending you a no strings attached virtual hug. Whilst apologising for my rather inappropriate, for this thread, username!

I'm a survivor of a sexually abusive childhood, which I then continued to play out for the following forty years in just about every relationship i had as an adult in one way shape or form.

The reason I did this? Because i internalized all the shit. It was all blame shame and guilt. I thought I was to blame, for what was happening. I felt guilt about what was happening and I felt tremendous shame.

Which meant over the years I had way to many men ignore my tears, ignore me freezing, pin me down, keep going when i said no or stop, ignore the fact that I was in pain or not enthusiastic etc.

Only when I finally realised that none of it was my fault. I'm not the one to blame, it's certainly not my shame and it sure as hell isn't me who should feel any guilt did I stop repeating the cycle.

I'll be honest even once I realised i still kept putting myself in situations where it was quicker and safer to just let them get on with it.

It was a gradual process. A lot of internet reading on surviving sexual abuse type topics and two years of weekly counselling sessions. But eventually I gained som e semblance of self worth and realised off rather spend the next forty years alone and hoarding cats over ever letting a man any where near me ever again!

Oh, and I'm physically disabled so know the issues that adds.

But honestly you are worth more than this shit.

We want to help you see your own self worth if we can.

Id suggest you start with looking for free telephone help lines, you can ring them when no-one else is there to listen in. You don't have to tell the anonymous person on the phone about the whole social services involvement and being treated like a child. Just miss that bit out, you can still talk about the ex and what happened. But a s its not going to end up on your health records you might find it helps you talk about the current one without the fear of being made to feel like your the problem. Because you're not. This really not.

Plus i would really think about just saying to the next carer in "i know you think he's a nice guy but i think he's a bit of a year, not right for me, and I'm concerned he might try to get back with me, so can you change the key choice, tell the other carers and also tell them not to let him in"

Then if he tried to get into the key safe or house by force you ring the police.

You can get through this. You can come out the other side a stronger wiser more "no means Fucking no you shit head" person. But there will be a lot of two steps forward one step back moments.I

A lot of its on here get it! Honestly we do.

So i shall finish with this thought.

You are worth more than this and live is too short to put up with things that don't make you happy.

Disappointed x

Think he's a bit of a twat not year!!

No.

Zero logic.

He might want to use your body for gratification but it’s not about YOU.

I see there are many pages but I am responding as I go through.

You come off low self esteem and reaching. You come off trying to cope so damn hard with being used and abused.

You’re self esteem is low.

A man who gives a crap about you will want to make you feel good because it makes him feel good.

You also seem to come off as a person who hasn’t had good sex, like ever. Ever.

EVER.

Poor thing, you can’t cope out of this type of thing, and these men say anything to make it ok. The real man actually does the things to make you feel special.

AGAIN just replying to you now. I’ll read through the thread now. Golly I hope it doesn’t get worse.

christ it’s been way darker and upsetting than I ever though possible

I was right about the hard cope, but believe me I don’t care that you’re disabled in the slightest for this. It doesn’t matter. So no extra sympathy from me ok? Lots of even more disabled abused women don’t lack the gift of insight. They are far better off. Many perfectly able women also lack the gift. Nobody deserves to be used and abused. Period.

So…What about this one instance made you post here?

What about things made you post? What exactly happened that made you decide to solicit the thoughts/feelings/advice from us all?

You've talked about being used, abused, knowing it, and finding it normal…..Being very used to coercion… The whole deal….

Why did you post at all? What about this otherwise normal for you event, made you post here?

I don’t think anyone should bother responding until you can pinpoint why exactly you even made this post.

If you can’t be truthful as to what made you do something out of the ordinary over something you desperately cope hard to be ordinary… then everyone’s words are wasted here. You need to be honest with yourself and why you have taken the actions that you have. If you can’t do that then you lack the insight necessary to get any help from those who care enough to reply.

looking forward to your response and what actually led you to post here and do something different!

PS not one would here thinks you deserve any of this treatment from these men.

OP you don't have to go through the reporting/examination etc if you don't want to.

You can just tell them the relationship is over and he isn't to be let in any more.

This thread is 17 pages long & EVERYONE absolutely EVERYONE has agreed you're in an abusive relationship with a rapist but you're minimising & excusing his behaviour all the time

His behaviour is not normal. Its not affectionate its not loving. He is using & abusing you.

Until you accept this & take steps to leave your abuser there's no point in anyone else offering advice or opinions because you're clearly not wanting to hear what's being said

Please take time & re read this thread & hear what everyone is saying

You don't have to speak to the police OP. It sounds like this is your home. Change your locks and text him to tell him this relationship isn't what you want.

You've been so badly hurt by men that you don't see what's normal or healthy anymore. You accept things you don't have to accept because 'it could be worse'.

It could be so much better. You deserve so much better.

Everyone here is trying to help you see that. This man isn't treating you the way you know you should be treated. You would never carry on having sex with him if he made it clear he didn't want to, so why should you have to accept that.

I know it's scary but this one doesn't sound violent or aggressive in the same way as your ex. Do you actually think he would try and attack you if you asked him not to come round anymore?

This thread is 17 pages long & EVERYONE absolutely EVERYONE has agreed you're in an abusive relationship with a rapist but you're minimising & excusing his behaviour all the time
^^
^^
His behaviour is not normal. Its not affectionate its not loving. He is using & abusing you.
^^
Until you accept this & take steps to leave your abuser there's no point in anyone else offering advice or opinions because you're clearly not wanting to hear what's being said
^^
^^
Please take time & re read this thread & hear what everyone is saying

Agree with the above.

you can take a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it!

1 - 10% knowing you don't deserve this is brilliant, OP! I'm so happy to hear there are glimmers of self-worth breaking through the cloud. Keep holding on to that and keep nurturing your anger. It will guide you.

No one can say how this man will react to being told he can't see you anymore, and I understand your trepidation. However, you do have some options here.

Start by changing the key code. Tell one of your carers you've broken up with him. Explain that even though they like him, he's actually not been that nice to you, so please don't let him in. Then text him that you're breaking up with him and I agree with pp, tell him "if you come here I will call the police." That will probably be enough to put him off.

If he does turn up at your door, just ignore him. If he is acting aggressively, banging on door etc, call 999. You can tell them someone is trying to break into your home.

you can take a horse to water but you can’t make them drink it

No, but if you take it to water 100 times, it's more likely to drink than if you just take it once.

So if your history is in your care plan why on earth are they letting him in in the first place

Interesting take.

Does this also hold for abusers? If you keep trying to show them they need to change and not act as they do… do you think they will ever drink? How many times will you bring them to water?

Victims can be just as unyielding as their abusers. It’s not worth the walk to continually try to reason when they don’t drink despite their dire thirst. These types only learn the hard way. it’s not fair or nice but it’s how it seems to go.

plus saying aren’t meant literally …. You know that

OP STILL has not addressed what made her post this time, given her long and storied years of abuse. I am dubious. You don’t post in this situation without a real factor. Especially with her dogged commitment to her own sad mistreatment.

I remain dubious until the reason why this was different or the cause of posting is shared. either something made her post or this is some weird sort of thread that isn’t genuine

OP STILL has not addressed what made her post this time, given her long and storied years of abuse. I am dubious. You don’t post in this situation without a real factor. Especially with her dogged commitment to her own sad mistreatment.

I remain dubious until the reason why this was different or the cause of posting is shared. either something made her post or this is some weird sort of thread that isn’t genuine

I understand your concern but several people have reported to MNHQ, who have found nothing untoward. I know that doesn't totally rule it out but just wanted to say.

Imagine you are a carer, you see me, your client tomorrow, I tell you I'm scared of ending a relationship

@Shell563 So you don't say that. You just get them to change code, say it's over and you don't want carers to let him in.

That way you won't trigger a safeguarding thing as you're only saying you've ended a relationship.

Relevant message. There are mines where not everyone can see them: https://youtube.com/shorts/QJ7NOCOusD8?feature=share

If people aren't happy with the way OP is responding to advice, that's fine. I suggest you unfollow the thread, though. As in the link I posted above, when you are a victim of abuse, you are dealing with a bunch of unexploded mines in what looks to others like a very simple path. You don't have to have patience with that - you can just unfollow the thread.

This is the most harrowing, traumatic thread I’ve ever read! 😔
OP: Every poster is telling you -

You are being abused
You are being raped
You are being taken advantage of
NONE of this is your fault
Most men do NOT act this way

Your partner is a despicable, nasty, ignorant, vile waste of a man.

PLEASE, PLEASE, listen to everyone here! It is NOT NORMAL for a man to be doing this to you! Genuinely, men don’t ‘slip’ accidentally to make sex anal and then tell you I’m nearly finished, not long now, and carry on while you cry! 🤮

PLEASE PLEASE listen to us. You keep asking over and over if we’re lying to you … NO WE’RE NOT! What you are going through is horrific abuse and trauma! Either you are just winding us all up (I don’t think you are) - or abuse is so ingrained in you that you can’t find a way out - PLEASE stop this cycle of abuse now! Call the numbers, click the links given in this thread - MNHQ gave some too.

Think it's maybe the fact that Op has had so many professionals over the years, and a whole system in place re: safeguarding to protect her, more than most women have. Also parents who love and support her. So if none of them could get through to her this is abuse, her ex being arrested didn't convince her, 17 pages of strangers saying it hasn't gotten through to her - a much more serious therapy option is needed. Otherwise it's just disturbing trauma sharing with details on MN that perverts online can access, when more specialist trauma groups and communities would be better. For OP's sake she should stop sharing details if it isn't making any difference to her life.