Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
theresnouseingrumpin · 03/10/2022 20:35

Y

heartbroken22 · 03/10/2022 20:36

You feel like a shitbag? He's the a hole. Do his wife a favour woman to woman and tell her!

keeprunning55 · 03/10/2022 20:44

It will break his wives heart. Could you get him to tell her?

Courgeon · 03/10/2022 20:45

Aeio · 03/10/2022 20:14

I have been there. I told her. Got accused of being a crazy stalker who made it up. I wouldn't tell if it happened again. You're opening yourself up to a load of hassle and abuse, for someone you don't know.

Yep dramas of this sort have a habit of going tits up for the other woman. You didn't know op, you don't know her, you don't know the true nature of their situation. Look after yourself primarily and walk away. There's a lot of projecting going on on this thread, you need to think of yourself and your own wellbeing. Years ago I unwittingly dated attached men (at different times!), I didn't tell their girlfriends and I don't regret it, too often I've seen disclosures of this type go hideously wrong. Men have a way of worming themselves back in and society is harsher and more judgemental towards women.

WeepingSomnambulist · 03/10/2022 20:45

keeprunning55 · 03/10/2022 20:44

It will break his wives heart. Could you get him to tell her?

How many wives do you think he has?

Trees6 · 03/10/2022 20:46

I’m torn. He has never failed to answer your calls and he’s never cancelled meet-ups, which implies that he’s being truthful. If that’s the case however, it’s a real shame that he didn’t explain that their separation agreement entailed living together and putting on a show to all but their closest friends.

Her gushing posts on Facebook could be bravado. People in dismal marriages do this. I would not infer anything from these.

Mamamoo12 · 03/10/2022 20:47

This actually happened to me….TWICE. Each of the women messaged me to tell me and I’m so glad they did as my marriage was just a lie. You may feel shitty but she should know. If you don’t then he’ll find someone else and they might do it. No point in delaying the inevitable. Honestly, you’re doing her a favour. It’s the arrogance I can’t stand…..they think they can get away with it and nothing will ever be said!!

stickynoter · 03/10/2022 20:49

Her gushing posts on Facebook could be bravado. People in dismal marriages do this. I would not infer anything from these.

But he's claiming family and friends all know so this doesn't add up

Unforgettablefire · 03/10/2022 20:50

I think she deserves to know what kind of a cheating arsehole she's praising up and living with. Dickhead.
Don't feel guilty but yeah definitely tell her wouldn't you want to know? You could tell her you're not spilling the beans because you want him but that you thought he was single and it's shit what he's doing and you think she deserves to know.

puddingandsun · 03/10/2022 20:53

lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:58

Quickly unblocked him, and sent the following: You told me you were seperated, Does your wife know that you are?

His reply: I should hope so! Seperated for 9 years, Both see other people, on a 'don't ask don't tell' basis, We don't bring anyone home around our daughter. Our family and friends all know, Our lives are seperate in every way except raising our daughter. I know this is far from ideal but it works for our daughter atm. I know I sound like I'm full of shit but it's just how life has worked out.

I'd take that as a believable scenario (given he was always available, etc), will block again to keep away from a complicated situation, and move on with my life.

SavingsThreads · 03/10/2022 21:02

I don't understand how everyone here has magically divined that it's a huge lie Confused

Sounds like the truth to me given everything you've told us.

SimonaRazowska · 03/10/2022 21:06

I feel you maybe did not communicate clearly? You wanted a bit of a FWB situation, so just a bit of sex and company

not a love story, from either side, and he would have never thought of leaving his wife, so you should not beat yourself up about “stealing her husband”, as that was never on the table

he just probably has affairs if and when, the wife may already know, you’re probably not his first or his last.

go find a nicer guy

BeenThereTooo · 03/10/2022 21:06

I have been in your situation and was ready to bust him but it is a very difficult thing to do in reality. I did feel for her but I thought about the implications for my life too. This woman had some really rough looking family. I had also found out that this was not his first rodeo and in fact he was a champion at this. Part of it involved his personality and picking what he considered a "classy" woman so no kickback. In the end I left him and her to it. I see her often and think "poor cow". If you roll with pigs then you will get muddy.

NotJustAnybody · 03/10/2022 21:08

Oh come on. All his social media seems to reflect he's a happily married man, his friends think he has a wonderful relationship and you're expected to believe they have been separated for 9 yrs. What utter bullshit. There is something off about this.

EmmaH2022 · 03/10/2022 21:08

lyadw · 03/10/2022 18:58

Quickly unblocked him, and sent the following: You told me you were seperated, Does your wife know that you are?

His reply: I should hope so! Seperated for 9 years, Both see other people, on a 'don't ask don't tell' basis, We don't bring anyone home around our daughter. Our family and friends all know, Our lives are seperate in every way except raising our daughter. I know this is far from ideal but it works for our daughter atm. I know I sound like I'm full of shit but it's just how life has worked out.

If this were true, he'd have told you from the start.

I realise it might be true and they might keep up the facade, but there's no excuse for not telling you, and her, in that situation.

Darbs76 · 03/10/2022 21:12

Sorry to hear that, what a complete arse. No I wouldn’t tell her because I wouldn’t want any potential drama or fall out on me (not that you should get that in anyway but some people are weird)

NormaTheWife · 03/10/2022 21:13

Block him and get on with your life because I will guarantee that he will still try to pester you. Get involved and you open a whole load of shit that you don't need and it won't make you feel any better.

Lunabun · 03/10/2022 21:20

"Yep I'm absolutely a woman too, I just don't want an innocent childs life being turned upside down."

I was the innocent child in this scenario. I wish someone would have told my mum when I was younger. By the time somebody did tell her, my dad had spent ten years gaslighting her and whittling down her self confidence so she didn't believe it. It then took me finding the evidence and showing her five years later for her to actually believe it. By the time I'd found the evidence to prove it to her, I had spent a good few years being 99% sure what was going on.

People who cheat in the way OP is describing are not good people, they're not good partners and they're rarely good fathers. (I don't mean everyone who makes a mistake as many people do, I'm talking about deceitful people who deliberately set out to do these things, usually multiple times.)

If my mum had found out earlier, she'd be a much more confident and happy person. She probably could have moved on and found somebody else, and then I might have at least experienced some time in a functional family. Unfortunately, she's essentially traumatised and I sadly doubt this will ever happen for her now.

I'd definitely have a better relationship with my dad too if I didn't have to blame him for all the misery we experienced for my entire childhood and teenage years.

The truth usually outs, and the sooner the better. I say tell her, OP. (And I'm sorry you got duped by this twatFlowers)

Purplecatshopaholic · 03/10/2022 21:24

I was that wife. No one told me and I so wish they had. Tell her.

quitelikelyto · 03/10/2022 21:31

@EmmaH2022 but the OP was very clear from the start that she only wanted a casual FWB arrangement. He provided that. Why would he go into the details if his arrangement with his ex-ish wife if it was only ever going to be a casual FWB thing?

Bananarama21 · 03/10/2022 21:34

I'd tell her, your likely one of many I'm afraid and it would be a kindest to give her that information so she can make and informed decision. It's on him for being a deceitful bastard.

JuliaDornsey · 03/10/2022 21:35

I am in the Don't Tell camp.

It's not the OP's role to 'save' his wife.

No one on this thread knows the truth, certainly not the OP.

The risk of telling is that the wife turns on the OP - bunny boiler, who knew he was married all along.

I don't think it's right to meddle in a marriage when you were the innocent party.

It will come over as revenge and make the OP look invested in him.

I can't see how he could talk to her for hours if he was really 'in' his marriage.
Signs like being stood up, cancelled dates, short calls, are the name of the game.

They may well have an open marriage and the pics on social media etc may be a front to protect their child.

Walk away with your self esteem intact, OP, and leave him with the doubt that one day, sometime, you may tell. That will worry him more than actually doing it, if he is lying.

EmmaH2022 · 03/10/2022 21:37

quitelikelyto · 03/10/2022 21:31

@EmmaH2022 but the OP was very clear from the start that she only wanted a casual FWB arrangement. He provided that. Why would he go into the details if his arrangement with his ex-ish wife if it was only ever going to be a casual FWB thing?

Because it seems from social media that they are keeping up appearances.

If the OP wasn't informed of this and they were seen together, it would lead to some awkward conversations.

even for a casual FWB, she needs to know that she has to make up a story if someone sees her, or sees him going into her hotel and asks OP about it.

sadly I know from experience that if someone says they are separated, it's good to enquire about what that actually means.

it may be that his wife knows, it may be that she doesn't. But withholding important info doesn't point to her knowing.

EmmaH2022 · 03/10/2022 21:38

OP I wouldn't tell either. Just walk away.

JuliaDornsey · 03/10/2022 21:40

The other thing is...wives are not stupid.

Unless his wife is very dim, she will know the hours he spends on the phone, suspect his working away, etc.

She has chosen to accept it, or he is being honest.

I also think it is wrong for other women whose DH's have done this to come along and say they wish they had known.

That is how they feel. They are not the wife in this scenario, it's not one-size fits all, so it's really not helpful to recommend what you wanted.

And you don't really know if you would have wanted it.
With hindsight yes, but at the time, you will never know how it may have hit you because it didn't happen.