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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

290 replies

lyadw · 03/10/2022 15:49

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

OP posts:
TimeAtTheBar · 03/10/2022 21:40

I know two couples in this exact situation. Separated for months/years but still living together, in one case the kids don’t know yet (asd involved). They can’t afford to buy each other out and to keep stability for the kids/finances on track they are living together apart and both seeing other people.

In both couples it’s the wife I know so this isn’t something being trotted out by the cheating husband.

So this could be legit.

Nevertouchakoala · 03/10/2022 21:43

Just walk away. Don’t tell her.

Macaroni1924 · 03/10/2022 21:45

I have the feeling he is telling the truth. You had something fun and casual so he didn’t really need to divulge that they still lived together for their daughter. He was always available no matter when. If you want to continue this then you can’t just take his word for it but equally you can’t go straight to his wife or I’m sure that would end things. Surely he could FaceTime with the wife there just to confirm but not to hear all the gory details. Regardless of them being together or not this could blow things up. If you don’t care about the relationship then no harm in telling her because if it’s true she won’t care and if it’s not she 100% deserves to know.

maddiesmam · 03/10/2022 21:58

I wouldn't tell her

He must be aware his SM isn't private or his wife's and that there would be a possibility at some point that you would see it. He's hasn't been honest though so block, move on and forget him.

Hdhabvdhhebsb · 03/10/2022 21:58

@JuliaDornsey and who are you to invalidate/deny our experiences of this scenario from a wife's perspective. All the wives without exception who have admitted to being in this scenario have said 'please tell'...and yet you tell us we are all wrong because your experience of this is....????

Noteverybodylives · 03/10/2022 22:00

He could be full of shit but it would make sense considering you said he answered his phone whenever you phoned etc.

As you are not looking for anything serious then you can just find another FWB or if you want to keep him then do some more snooping.

ChilliBandit · 03/10/2022 22:06

SavingsThreads · 03/10/2022 21:02

I don't understand how everyone here has magically divined that it's a huge lie Confused

Sounds like the truth to me given everything you've told us.

Right bunch of Sherlocks

Weirdlynormal · 03/10/2022 22:16

ChilliBandit · 03/10/2022 22:06

Right bunch of Sherlocks

Show quote history

Then it won’t matter if she verified the situation with wife. Except the ‘separated’, but don’t ask m, don’t tell, contradict this.

He’s separated, but I bet his wife isn’t.

I’ve changed my view. Tell her.

ThreeRingCircus · 03/10/2022 22:25

I'd just do as a PP said and screenshot that message from him and send it to the wife on Facebook. You don't need to go into detail but just say that you're just checking in with her that that is the case. Don't tell him you've messaged her then see what she says.

BeanStew22 · 03/10/2022 22:28

PineOrange · 03/10/2022 19:13

That's an excellent idea.

Show quote history

i agree, sounds like a v a good way to go about it

dementedmummy · 03/10/2022 22:32

It could be kosher. My husband and I have been separated for 6 years but people don't know if we don't tell them as we are out and about all the time with our kids. Doesn't stop me being proud of his achievements or vice versa. We just decided adult problems shouldn't be children's problems and both put the kids first. We didn't want to be in the situation where it was birthday about or his weekend or mine. It works for us but I can imagine it must appear weird to anyone on the outside looking in. My FB would probably look a lot like the wife's with pictures of us all out and about but definitely does not mean that he or I are cheating! Simplest way to resolve is to ask wife to confirm. I would do that if hubby was dating without an issue because I appreciate it would look odd otherwise!

FindingMyself1999 · 03/10/2022 22:37

It always backfires. I lost a good friend as I found out her H was cheating (he tried it on with a friend on mine a few times (he didn’t realise she was my friend)). Anyway my friend didn’t believe me and never spoke to me again.

Closetbeanmuncher · 03/10/2022 23:31

Regardless of whether it’s the truth or a lie the situation is way to messy to get involved with.

Let him play his pretend happy families game and focus on regrouping yourself before going back into the dating pool.

Ratherperplexed · 04/10/2022 00:03

Mine told OW we were separated but business partners and we merely lived in same house for convenience...oh and that all our family and friends knew...he future faked a whole new life with her, elaborating on his moving out of family home, going to live with his dad, that our divorce was imminent...until she caught him out with me at a family BBQ, wedding ring on show.

Men can be so devious and manipulative......sorry OP but I feel you're being strung along here. Good for you for calling him out over it.

Wheredoallthepensgo · 04/10/2022 00:06

stickynoter · 03/10/2022 19:30

His reply says family and friends all know. If that was the case why is the dw posting loved up pics calling him her other half on social media and getting replies about them being a "lovely couple"
Complete bullshit

Yeah, this was my first thought on reading OP's uodate too. I smell BS.

Original poster
lyadw · 04/10/2022 00:37

I replied to him saying 'You are going to have to prove that if we are to continue seeing each other for fun.. I don't get involved with married men and I was honest with you from the start'

He called me, His ex was there. She is aware and knows about me. She explained their living situation a bit better over the phone. They are seperated from all accounts. She explained the reason why they want to keep things as normal as possible for their daughter atm. They plan to divorce early next year.

He admitted he should have maybe told me his situation but also said he is aware how it sounds and it puts a lot of people off.

I wanted to update before I went to bed..

Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
ganvough · 04/10/2022 00:56

lyadw · 04/10/2022 00:37

I replied to him saying 'You are going to have to prove that if we are to continue seeing each other for fun.. I don't get involved with married men and I was honest with you from the start'

He called me, His ex was there. She is aware and knows about me. She explained their living situation a bit better over the phone. They are seperated from all accounts. She explained the reason why they want to keep things as normal as possible for their daughter atm. They plan to divorce early next year.

He admitted he should have maybe told me his situation but also said he is aware how it sounds and it puts a lot of people off.

I wanted to update before I went to bed..

Thanks everyone.

Good you clarified it. I always advocate talking to the person you're with first before jumping to conclusions. I too know of a couple like this - they were separated, lived together for kids and they couldn't afford a divorce atm, but both had relationships and were amicable co parents and flatmates. The husband started seeing my friend and of course, we all found it hard to believe. She too had stuff up on FB but it was her wider network and school mums (so her kids didn't find out), all her close friends and family knew. But she met the wife and it really was legit. Anyway they divorced a year later and a few years after that, he and my friend got married.

TabithaTittlemouse · 04/10/2022 01:13

I’m glad that she knows but do you want to be part of this? It obviously works for them but it sounds like hard work.

isthismylifenow · 04/10/2022 05:46

You spoke to the wife directly?

TimeForOneMoreCoffee · 04/10/2022 06:04

By not telling her you're protecting him and he doe not deswrvw to be protected. If the wife never finda out, he'll feel untouchable for getting away with it. He won't have to face any consequences, so he'll simply go and find someone else to have another affair with and the cycle wl just keep repeating itself. Tell the wife, then block them both and move on. If women don't make these types of men accountable, then they will never stop.

ChilliBandit · 04/10/2022 06:25

@TimeForOneMoreCoffee If you aren’t going to RTFT, at least read the OPs updates.

Glad you got it sorted OP and didn’t jump to the dramatic messages etc some people were suggesting.

America12 · 04/10/2022 06:34

Tlolljs · 03/10/2022 16:47

But you knew he was married?

She didn't , that's why she's written the thread Confused

LuckyLil · 04/10/2022 07:25

So tell him to let you know when he's divorced.

toddlingtortoise · 04/10/2022 07:27

I wouldn’t tell her. It’s not your problem and you have no idea of the circumstances of their marriage plus do you really need the hassle and fallout which could come back to uou. Just block and move on,

Courgeon · 04/10/2022 07:38

You've handled it well op and the outcome is as I would have expected. Glad you didn't jump to any dramatic and overly reactive actions as have been suggested on here. My H and I temporarily separated several years ago. From the outside absolutely no one would have known. It's how some people do things.

I really don't think it's any sole woman's responsibility to somehow police and be the moral guardian of men's behaviour by getting themselves involved in unpleasant and traumatic situations at potentially their own expense. Women have affairs and do shitty things too, it's best for your own sanity to stay out of it.