Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

[lyadw]

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

I do think his response is consistent with the fact that he has been available whenever you’ve called him and so on. 9 years is a long time for this to go on but it really doesn’t sound like he’s been sneaking around with you.

You want to talk about sisterhood and patriarchy? It sounds pretty unsisterly and patriarchal to put a man's responsibilities and marital obligations on a woman's shoulders. It could also be unsafe and put her mental health on the line. Not every wife responds well when their husbands are called out sometimes they shout I've even seen some attack the other woman accusing her of "seducing" Or "stealing" her husband. OP did nothing to earn the right to hold this weight on her shoulders.

If she wants to do that of her own free will that is fine. But it's not something that she is obligated to get involved in.

His answer is consistent with always being available to you.

Tell her I would want to know.

Having said that, he should have told you from the start so lines were clear.

Agree. Also agree that it's not very "sisterly" to encourage a woman who's done nothing wrong into a position where she may suffer adverse consequences. There are many weird living set ups out there, of all permutations and open relationships/unspoken knowing but turning a blind eye situations are more common than people think. The thing I find most concerning is the 9 year thing. That just sounds odd.

I would probably tell him to tell her, and if he doesn't you will.
Its not fair on her if she has no idea her husbands a cheating scumbag.
Don't feel bad though, you weren't to know. They're good at hiding stuff!

Next up, he has a bridge to sell you.

Yes but op said she just wanted something casual so maybe he didn't feel he needed to bare all. Even though the speaking every night doesn't sound that casual, it sounds like there's an attachment there.

I would send a screenshot of that last conversation to her. Nothing else.

You probably aren’t the first and won’t be the last.

If it’s as he says, let them get on with it. Way too much drama.

His reply says family and friends all know. If that was the case why is the dw posting loved up pics calling him her other half on social media and getting replies about them being a "lovely couple"
Complete bullshit

Gosh you must feel so violated!

I would tell the wife. Not out of revenge but out of decency.

what a disgusting man. He should not be able to go around doing this type of thing!!! Gross, sly, deceitful And the morals of an alley cat

This

Of course she has done something wrong. She knew everything about him so I can’t see how she failed to miss he was married. I don’t think anybody who decided to tell the wife is doing it for the wife’s benefit, just their own because they lost the pick me dance.

I think he’s lying. You can’t keep a secret that long from friends and they’ve all been commenting how amazing a couple they are!

Tell her now, especially after that message. You’ve nothing to lose and if it’s true it won’t hurt her feelings either.

Yeah... that's bullshit

He claims that his friends & family know so none of his lies add up. He's catching himself out

It sounds like he might be telling the truth so how you approach it is important, if you want to continue the relationship ( if he’s telling the truth). I wouldn’t be keen on a relationship with someone who is separated, rather than divorced, tbh

If anything persuaded me to tell, it would probably be the insult to my intelligence.

Agree.

Tell the wife. I don’t understand people saying don’t. She won’t know unless you tell her. Contact her, say you thought he was single and found out he was married and immediately ended it, you can give her dates/times/message screen shots if she wants it. I would want to know if it was me! 100%

This is what I was wondering. Maybe it's a show marriage and they have an open relationship, or are separated but still doing holidays /living together. I can't see how else his wife wouldn't notice that he's talking to another woman every night.

um hi - totally possible to be a lovely couple who love each other and parent well and also be emotionally and sexually separated. Just saying.
But he'd have likely told you more about it before so I'm only 60% convinced by what you say he said.

But then he's on to the next woman isn't he? The wife should know

Please tell the wife. I am a wife and no matter how devastating it would be to hear news like this I would want to know. Please tell the wife.