Just found out he's married and feel like a complete shitbag

[lyadw]

I just found out the man I have been speaking to for the last nine months is married. I met him at a work event, He told me he was seperated with one child, He wasn't wearing a ring. I'm single with no children and was honest about the fact I'm not looking for anything serious, Just a bit of fun and maybe a friends with benefits type situation, He was fine with this. I work in his City once a month and he works in mine a few times per month so thought this sounded ideal for what I was looking for.

We swapped details the night we met and have kept in touch via whatsapp and facetime etc. We speak every day/night, Ranging from normal general chat to sexting/swapping pictures etc. We have also met up in person 8 times and had sex. I have never been to his house which I know is usually a red flag but it's something that genuinely never crossed my mind because I spend half my life staying in hotels due to my job, I thought it would be easier to meet him there..

I called and messaged him at will (as did he), He never missed a call from me no matter what time it was, We would chat on the phone/facetime at night for a few hours, I now have no idea how he did this if he was married. He was always available and never turned me down or tried to change the date of any meets we had. I had zero reason to think he was married.

We were due to meet up in a few weeks to spend the weekend together.

We were chatting last night and he mentioned he had recently done something to raise money for a certain charity. I have no idea why but after we finished talking something made me google it. I'm glad I did.

I found a few newspaper articles about it. It has pictures of him and his wife. It gave his wifes name in the article so she wasn't hard to find on facebook. His wife looks like a lovely woman, she looks so happy with him (and he with her) and their kid. Lots of pics of them looking happy together, them on holiday recently (looking back he told me he was going on holiday and we spoke from there a few times, he sent pictures to me of the views from the hotel etc), her saying how proud she is of him for the charity thing etc.

I have blocked him on everything, I will never contact him again but it's left me feeling like shit, I have never (knowingly) been with a married man and I have zero interest in stealing someone's husband etc.

Do I tell his wife or just walk away? If I tell her it feels like I would be throwing a bomb into her life then standing back and watching it explode. I don't want to hurt her.

I have never been in this situation before and want to do the right thing, Whatever that may be.

He's lying.

He's bluffing

And he's shitting himself 😅

She didn’t know he was married.

Tell her quick before he gets on her socials and blocks you!

@Aprilx how is it the OP's fault that she didn't know something??? there's far fetched and then there's nonsense. You can't know what you don't know! And nice one putting the blame on her for his behaviour - ignore op

Not trying to be rude but... How do you love someone you are emotionally separated from? Sounds kind of like an oxymoron.

Oh I wish you could edit. She didn’t know that she was doing the pick me dance. Or any dance.

I think the clue is in the user name.

And saying that, I should imagine the type of woman this man goes for is not going to be the sort of person into polyamory or whatever by his ommision of lies.
Same as the wife, she hasn't a clue.

It's a game to him, a sport and op has just been played.

He's made a mug out of two women, no doubt there will be many more.

He absolutely will get away with it and keep on doing it until someone stops him!
As you say, he gave no indication whatsoever that he was married so he was pretty confident his wife wasn't suspicious.
He's a smug bastard and his wife deserves much better. If I was the wife, I'd want to know. You have proof, use it.

Aw what a shitbag he is. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and have no reason to berate yourself as he sounds like he was utterly convincing and no red flags anywhere.

I feel sorry for his wife. If I were her I’d want to know, but as you say they have a small child and it isn’t your responsibility to tell her if it would make you feel bad or be vulnerable to repercussions. Chances are he will do it again with a far less considerate and thoughtful person than you and will come unstuck that way.

Well done for blocking him and I hope you meet someone worthy of you soon, you sound lovely.

Don't meddle op, move on.
You've finished it and their marriage and relationship is no longer any of your business.

Sound you believe this new information? He's already lied to you by omission in the first place hasn't he? What else is he not saying?

@Aprilx

Of course she has done something wrong. She knew everything about him so I can’t see how she failed to miss he was married. I don’t think anybody who decided to tell the wife is doing it for the wife’s benefit, just their own because they lost the pick me dance.

What a ridiculous thing to say. She didn't know.

You could just as much say about his wife "she knows everything about him so I can't see how she failed to miss he was shagging someone else".

Would you say that to every woman who is cheated on? Of course not.

Because it's, as I said, ridiculous.

Don’t throw a grenade into her happy life. Block and move on. She will find out eventually

I have been there. I told her. Got accused of being a crazy stalker who made it up. I wouldn't tell if it happened again. You're opening yourself up to a load of hassle and abuse, for someone you don't know.

They could have an open relationship agreement ?

He should have told you all of this. But he didn’t because he’s a lying shit bag.

I would but I would want to know. Tell her exactly what you have told us with proof if you can then block them both and move on. Once she knows it’s upto her what she does and better for you if you don’t know

Please tell her I was the wife and it’s horrible but she needs to know , I’d always want to know the truth.

@lyadw, I think he’s still conning you and doing damage control. Send his W your evidence. If they do have this arrangement, you’ve lost nothing by informing her. But if she believes they are in a monogamous marriage, you would have helped her see the light.

Tell her, she deserves to know. Then she can choose what to do with that information and your conscious is clear. If what he’s saying is true then there is no harm done. It doesn’t seem to add up though. If his friends knew why would they be commenting on what a good couple they are.

I'd want to know

It could be legit. If it is he should be able to give convincing explanations for the nature of the fb posts. Were they on her fb or his. What does the other persons fb page show?

So they still live together? Sleep in the same bed?

This isn’t your fault OP, you sound like a lovely person with morals.

Leave it and walk away.

No one's going to stop him! He'll keep doing it; not to OP, maybe not even to his wife, but men who have a propensity to cheat will cheat. And that's wholly on them, not the nearest convenient woman.

There are many protestations that 'if I were the wife, I'd want to know'. So would most. But if you were a lot of wives you'd likely blame the woman, as society is generally conditioned to do. You might also be more inclined to believe what you really wanted to believe, which is that other line straight from the misogynists'/cheats' script: he is so sexually irresistible that OW (who's always crazy) couldn't leave him alone, and contacting the wife is just another symptom of her obsession. Yeah, right.

OP is under obligation to no one here. This falls under the category of 'another fucker's shit'. A lot of sympathy for the poor, unsuspecting wife, less so for the unwitting mistress who has been equally lied to and cheated on, but unlike the wife thankfully has less to lose.

I'd be cutting those losses.