Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Oh, it goes on much more than people seem to think. Especially IMO in the 40s and 50s. (year olds)

Well if your happy sharing your husband that 's on you. Would he also bury his head in the sand if you were to start having sex with another man for the sake of an easier life?
Your husband really has the best of both worlds doesn't he, must be feeling very happy with himself he' s found not one but two gullible women. It will all end in tears, you can guarantee it.

How did you find out OP?

Marriage ain't what it used to be! And that's not necessarily a bad thing.

Yeah, having sex with a man that you know is lying to you is totes empowering. Only people with very very high self esteem do it. People that demand honesty from their sexual partners are obviously lacking self esteem. 🙄

Reminds me of all those 'happy empowered sex worker' stories you hear.

Being complicit in your own objectification/devaluation is so progressive!

no, honesty and self esteem are connected and i think ENM is much better than affairs hence my username and the fact I go on about it all the time...

Nowt wrong with wanting to focus on one person to give a relationship a certain depth or value. And lying to your partner is obviously wrong, as someone said uptrend you're not giving them the option of a whole relationship with you as you truly are, and you take away their choices.

But both halves of a couple just being frightened of being abandoned or second best, like a child feels, and then dressing that up as romance, and never letting you or your partner feel an authentic twinge of attraction to another... that is a bit pathetic too.

You also say how he might leave once the kids have gone.you sound so matter of fact,as if oh well it doesn’t matter,you’d be fine.
for me this isn’t love.

Yeah, having sex with a man that you know is lying to you is totes empowering. Only people with very very high self esteem do it. People that demand honesty from their sexual partners are obviously lacking self esteem. 🙄

She's having sex with him presumably because she wants to and likes it. Sex isn't necessarily all about power and control. It sounds like she doesn't need to be empowered by the sex, and she feels "powerful" enough as it is.

There's nothing wrong in demanding honesty from a partner, and yes, that's the ideal. But the OP choosing not to do so in this circumstance is not because she lacks self-esteem. It's those that lack self-esteem that would be more likely to find that situation intolerable precisely because it demanded their self-esteem.

"....demanded" should be "... damaged"

No, it probably isn't "love", but the OP seems cool with that.

Very Narrow minded, that “everyone should share my same values and those who don’t are in the wrong”. Pearl clutching at its best. The OP is favouring financial stability and family unit over a shag. She doesn’t even like shaging hubby so much so she’s glad to take that weight from her shoulders. What works for her might not work for you and vice versa. Putting her down because she “won’t do as you” is juvenile.

Very rarely is it culturally acceptable for women to have affairs. Because the men who have these culturally accepted extramarital relationships would not tolerate the disrespect of their wives doing the same.

This.

FGS, it isn't pearl clutching. Her husband is lying to her face daily, most likely as well as this other woman, and she's 'fine with it.'

If she's into ethical non monogamy, no judgment at all.

But this is just two people lying to each other. That's not a lifestyle choice.

It is indeed a lifestyle choice (maybe not necessarily yours, not mine either),it's a very old one too. I've met many couples who adopt an "ignorance is bliss" policy who prioritise financial and family stability over everything else and it seems to work for them. Of course it only works if both are on the same page and they're "happy flatmates". These types value family stability, money and appearances a lot. Marriages and families come under different models and as long as there's food in the table, harmony at home and the kids are happy and well taken care of who are we to judge. The OP seems quite content with her life style choice so again...who are we to judge. I'm just curious what would happen if she takes a lover at some point, how would hubby react if he finds out but that's another story.

Just wondering if the other woman provides him with sexual services he doesn't feel comfortable asking the OP for?

Possibly.

I find this remarkably sad,

Sad because it is a false pretence of respect. He choose to disrespect you by lying and decieving you behind your back and then by not telling him you know it shows you have no faith in his loyalty.

Are you really sure he would choose you, no one can be so sure of anything, what you mean is you hope he would choose you and I don't think you're willing to put that to the test.

And for that reason I don't believe you have confidence, good self esteem and healthy boundaries, you sound scared to me, afraid to face the situation that has been forced upon you.

I mean really who would not mention if you found out your husband was having sex with another person, people may have suspicions and keep quiet but on the whole when presented with proof, usually it is talked about.

I find it very strange, the lack of communication about it and to me it just suggests fear.

@EthicalNonMahogany ...Er, you do realise the word is monogamy, not mahogany right? Mahogany is a type of wood...

@EthicalNonMahogany ...Er, you do realise the word is monogamy, not mahogany right? Mahogany is a type of wood...

I believe you’re projecting yourself in your post (no worries as we all do it). The OP doesn’t seem to care much he’s having an affair, she’s even happy that she doesn’t need to shag him much anymore lol! What she really cares is about her finances, her job, her children and the family unit.As long as all this remains intact hubby can be getting golden showers from porn stars. Is this normal? Well… define “normal” 🤣

Why not be honest and say you think he's having an affair and as such want to discuss an open marriage as its not a deal breaker for you? I mean personally I couldn't do that but if you're happy with how things are then at least try and remove the lies and the deceit- that's a horrible way to live. You'll know the truth then as well, the thought of him being pleased with himself for thinking he's 'got away with it' is gross.

I think that's a deliberate pun...

Let's hope so! 😁

This is the best mini thread I've read yet. 😂