Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Oh FFS..

Why are people so blasé about this whole set up?

The OP is being used as a door mat pure and simple.

Get yourself to the GUM clinic pronto love. You won't be so smug about the arrangement when you've ended up with an incurable STI of some sort.

Yes. Agree here.

Why not have the discussion then and open up the marriage?

Because they’re not ready.

It is possible he is having one off 'excursions' elsewhere if he gets the opportunity and this may lead to a more sustained relationship with someone else, younger and fertile, at some point in the future. I'm sure he has considered his own financial position in any future developments, so i would be preparing myself for a possible outtage in the right circumstances.

its is likely he may well know already that the op is aware of his shenanigans. Its not really an ego boost that his wife is happy to be given a break from his sexual demands. She is using him to meet her needs, albeit they're less demanding than his. I wonder what the marital issues were from 5 years before and how they were 'resolved'.

I think it's likely that what we try and ignore as the lesser of 2 evils will only work for so long but ultimately he is the one who is still calling all the shots here.

Absolutely fuck that I would rather be single. You're basically in an open relationship.

Another man, lying, having his cake, putting his wife at risk sexually, risking his family - and its all ok because you prioritise those things that he doesnt....namely, family. And this is ok? There's self respect and then there's core moral values. Op you might well have tons of self esteem. The problem is that his values are shit. Hes lying and has been for years. Willing to risk his family. And you let him stick around. I dont get why there's a shred of cordiality left for him with what he's willing to risk.

There was a woman in this position who posted extensively about how great it was and was then surprised when her DH got increasingly brazen, started introducing the OW to their mutual friends, fell in love and wanted a divorce. Her complacency had a doomed, blind air. A bit like this.

@Backthetruckup No. It's quite definitely mahogany. Like the opposite of polygonal, right? You must be entirely illiterate.
😂

Clearly 😂

I couldn't let him think he was cleverer than me by hiding an affair.

Have you considered discussing this with him? Telling him you know and it doesn't actually bother you? Perhaps legitimately have an open relationship? I don't think there's anything wrong with people seeking relations outside the confines of marriage so long as everyone knows about it.

If you are genuinely happy and content with things as they are op then good for you. Life is complicated and sometimes we pick the best out of several not perfect options.

“my respect isn’t defined by a man choosing to have sex with me and me only, I’m not in competition with her”

^so Glad you wrote that in reply to comments on having respect for yourself. Good on you.

I hope it all works out well in the end. You sound like you have thought it though, have a back up plan and will be financially ok if you do break up.

I know this isn't the point of the thread, but how do you know it's still going on?

I found this incredibly sad to read. I understand your reasons but I really hope I'm never resigned to share my husband for fear of rocking the boat.

Isn't it better you tell your dh you know and are cool with it (I really doubt he will want to finish it with the ow) and then you can both tell the children.

My ex's Mum had a long affair while my ex was a child. It torn him apart because he discovered it by accident (a school friend told him) and he was so conflicted because he wanted to tell his unsuspecting Dad - but obviously he didn't want to be responsible for breaking up the family and he also wanted to protect his mum.

If you talk to your kids before they find out another way that would protect them against this blowing up in their faces.

>>Isn't it better you tell your dh you know and are cool with it (I really doubt he will want to finish it with the ow) and then you can both tell the children. <<

As adults we can't get our heads around the situation, so I can't see his children not being confused by it.
I'm sure they would be upset if they're told outright their mum and dad don't find each other desirable and only staying together for them and finances, or if they find out by accident. I think that the only way the parents could have any respect from their children is if they hide it.
Although most of us feel as if it isn't going to end well. The lack of intimacy between the parents will make them drift further apart, or his mistress might give him an ultimatum.
Do you think he wants to stay in a marriage where his wife can't be bothered with intimacy so much that she would put up with him spending family finances on another woman?
I seem to be the only one curious about the other woman. Many seem to think she's a non entity. I think it's important, as if she's just an escort, then how many other men is she sleeping with? How do you know if everything they do is safe? Even oral sex with multiple partners carries risks. If she isn't an escort, what would be in it for her to have casual sex with a man whose wife even can't be bothered to sleep with him? Is he lying to keep her hanging around?

Likely autocorrect

I told a wife about the many hook ups and affairs her husband had had over decades, with both men and women. She didn't do anything.

I think it's kind of sad TBH. But she's probably glad not to be pressured to have his dreadful 'sex.' And she had an inheritance, so would stand to lose a lot financially.

a man whose wife even can't be bothered to sleep with him?

@LilyPAnderson As I understand it OP still has sex with her husband. It just means it's at a frequency that's more suited to her.

I'm not really blasé about it. I don't technically think it is ideal, progressive or healthy. But she says she is happy. She is a grown woman who had considered all the ins and outs. She is smart and is settled in her decision. I don't see the point in bashing her or harassing her. She's made up her mind. What else is there to do?

I wouldn't want it for myself or my daughter certainly. But I also realize that life is not black and white. We don't always get what we are expecting or hoping for. I'm sure that it was not what OP envisioned when she married the man. But she is making the best of her situation. I'm not about to make well enough difficult for her.

Also not everything society dictates as standard suits everyone. It might suit a lot of people but there are those that slip through the cracks that it may simply not work for. OP might be one of those people. Who knows maybe she is in bliss with the situation even if it is weird to us? Who are we to take that away from her?

Exactly this. Your children could either resent you, their dad, or grow up mimicking your relationship. They will have a hard time forming healthy trusting relationships themselves.

I am afraid that at this point the post has generated so much traffic that OP won’t even see this comment. However, if you are reading these comments OP I think the most alarming ones have to be from those who have been in similar situations to yourself whether they be the DW like you or the OW. If I were you I would focus on them and rethink your strategy.

As for ‘you know he will leave her’… your naivety is alarming.

And this supports exactly what I was saying earlier….

we mimick our parents relationship and we learn what is right and wrong from them.

OP do you want your children to be in a similar situation when they are older?

100% this. Especially the avoidant part.

As it has happened, it's good that you are not troubled by the knowledge.

I wouldn't rule out that the OW might get pregnant. It's physically possible, if she wants that. That would change the dynamic and would require him to be away from home more, perhaps, and there would be inheritance issues. If you found out and told him that you'd known about the affair for months, but were not troubled to mention it, that could make it sound like you don't value open dialogue - which you might be demanding, once, if it happens, a child is on the way. You might feel cross with yourself that you had made a number of hasty assumptions about the depth of their relationship.

It might be all right for now, which is good from the point of view of your mental well-being, but maybe think through what you'd do if the relationship with his OW became more serious for him - just so you are prepared.

I want an update or some response from OP 😳😂

You allowed him to "mess up your lives".