Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

Your husband has no way of knowing you're fine with this so he has chosen, for years, to do something selfish that could potentially really harm you and your children.

He sounds deeply unpleasant and you sound emotionally avoidant.

This is fascinating. I would bet that he knows that you know. The threat to your relationship harmony isn’t the lack of monogamy, but acknowledging it.

Theres a brilliant book called Mating in Captivity. I’d really recommend it as a more thoughtful insight into this sort of thing than the majority of mumsnet responses.

@blameless is completely correct. Such odd attitudes on here.

Yes if you're religious marriage can be a covenant and sex part of that. But if you're secular, keeping to one partner is a choice not a given, there's no morality associated.

Nothing inherently dirty or skanky about having more than one partner, multiples, etc etc. as long as sexual health is considered.

I get the thing about not wanting to have secrets; I have personally found it much better and more indicative of personal growth to be authentic with husband and partners. My husband feels the same and we are better now than when we were in DADT.

But it took me a while and it's scary. Scary to be emotionally honest if you want something different from conventional monogamy. It's scary to admit you've made a mistake and it's scary to think you might lose your family because you have unmet needs that you have chosen to meet in an unethical or unskilful way. Lots of people get into an affair. Very few know how to put it right.

And you know who's got the highest, highest self esteem? The poly crowd who have dealt with their fear of abandonment and aren't defined by whether someone else is codependent with them.

@SamillaW that was brave of you to post and, as you say, I doubt you are the only one in this position.

Personally, I can see both sides.

I absolutely hate the thought of it.

But if it did happen, perhaps I would turn a blind eye as well. Because once it's happened, it's happened. Breaking up the family and suffering financially doesn't change the fact that it's happened.

I think maybe a lot of women who think "I would never stand for this" would change their minds once the initial shock wore off and they were faced with their options.

There are no rule books for situations like this. If you want to live like this then do but beware of t9rusting him and make sure you have a copy of every document.

I can definitely sympathise with somebody who thinks, I deserve more than this but my best option is to wait til DC bit older, I've saved some money, got back in to workplace, childcare less expensive. I know that the OP has a good job so not talking about her specifically. But if you're self esteem is that great, you're happier on your own surely? Everybody's different but as a single person, I can't square up good self-esteem with living a lie. But the @SamillaW sees it as a powerful stance, her self-esteem is not defined by her husband's choice to get more sex elsewhere. I guess it boils down to whether you're happy being single or not and the op wants to be part of a couple.

It would be about self respect if you derived your respect from the notion of a monogamous marriage. If you are ok with it, no one else opinion matters really. We as a society have overly idolised the faithful monogamy but in terms of human history this is relatively new and indeed many people struggle with it hence affairs, breakups etc. If you are happy you are happy. If divorce would.make you less happy than what you have no, why divorce I suppose.
The fact that others wouldn't live like you has little or no bearing on you. You can and chose to live like that and you are happy. That matters more than internet strangers opinions

I agree, but wouldn't such a person be brave enough to face the administrative hassle of breaking up?

I can't align healthy self-esteem with Determination to stay in marriage of convenience.

There is something about a healthy self-esteem that suggests living in alignment with your values.

Of course, the OP's values might well be Everything For An Easy Life. But that lacks such bravery that again, I can't square it with Healthy Self-esteem. A healthy self-esteem is about a STRONG sense of yourself. It's not about a passive-ly achieved easy life

Come on OP how did you find out? STD checks ASAP.
I reckon you'd be bothered if you knew what she looked like!

>>I'd say OW is definitely married/partnered herself if it's being going on for years and there's no push to for him to leave. A single OW probably wouldn't be happy with this arrangement.<<

As we don't know that, there's a chance she is single and not happy with the arrangement, so might put pressure on him to change things.
Might he stay with her where he's getting all the great bedroom action he needs and leave his wife, or leave her to have the TV watching cuddles?
He will still have rights to see his children either way.

I'm surprised you have sex with him if you know he's having sex with another woman.

People say she has no self respect, because they feel no respect for her. It makes a mockery of marriage to carry on like this.

Perhaps I'm wrong OP but I wonder do you actually 'love' your husband? I mean you haven't mentioned love anywhere in your posts in relation to your marriage so is that why you are so calm about this?
This would destroy most people and the reason it because they love their partner and don't want to share them.
I think you need to look to yourself first for the truth in how you feel for him.

Hmmmm……..most ppl have come forward with the socially acceptable party line - it’s no surprise I suppose but I for one know two married couples who are living in similar circumstances. I’m willing to bet most people do know of someone in their lives who is in the same boat. It’s a hell of a lot more common than ppl will admit OP

And if you live in France it’s even more common!! They do tend to have mistresses; it’s not just an old cliche

He sounds like an absolute pig he is getting it all and is probably laughing about it with his girlfriend. I think honesty is the key to everything, if this was all out in the open I still wouldn't like it myself but if all parties were honest then fine I guess (though I don't think its a good example for children) But there is no love here, its a charade, I couldn't live my life like that. But you don't sound very attached or emotional op in fact this sounds too easy to be true, there's no emotion anywhere.

Sad. Your husbands affair isnt empowering and it's sad you think the basics of a marriage only come with a price tag. It's sad you dont value being alone. It's sad that you are too scared to talk to him about it because it will ruin the status quo.

For me, still having a sexual relationship with him would be an issue. Fair play to you though, if you can get your head round it.

>>Hmmmm……..most ppl have come forward with the socially acceptable party line - it’s no surprise I suppose but I for one know two married couples who are living in similar circumstances. I’m willing to bet most people do know of someone in their lives who is in the same boat. It’s a hell of a lot more common than ppl will admit OP<<

I'm thinking, but can't think of any people I know in that situation. I had an affair while married to my first husband, but that was because I grew to hate my husband, and although we didn't have children, we lived separate lives in the same house for a few years as was cheaper. I didn't love both men. The thought of being intimate with my husband after things he had done would have made my skin crawl.
I was unhappy in that situation, and wanted to live with a man who I was in love with and wanted to make love with.
I eventually plucked up the courage to move away and now married to another who I like the idea that he fancies me and only wants to sleep with me.
Maybe it's different if you've been together since young and had children while young, and drifted apart, but been together too long to change?

I believe this is all about priorities and everyone is different. If money is your priority (and it sounds like it is) then I fully understand feeling totally ok in that situation. In my case once I have a job/career that gives me a roof, food on the table and pays my gas bills....sex, love, honesty and faithfulness become priorities. Call me romantic, I'm just not French, meaning I don't want my man sharing a bed with another woman, I don't want a man in the living room texting the OW telling her how much he misses her. I want a partner, not a flatmate. Fuc.k the money.

(Watch the daily fail journos having a field day with this thread)

How did you find out?

And are you sure he doesn't know you know?

I'm sure you're not alone in this although many are maybe not so settled on this arrangement. Can I ask what you would do if she did blow their cover in the hope he might leave you, even if you dont think he would. Would you have to pretend to be very upset even if you weren't really ?

IMO (and I have not read the whole thread) if OP and DH broke the mutual "silence" as OP has said, he would end it. The secrecy is part of how it works, the fact he is married, is how it works (can never get too serious etc)

He will not want to get divorced.
OP does not want to get divorced.

It is the set up my STBXH loved, I was a prequiste to his lifestyle. I was needed for it.

I have ruined the whole thing.😎