Anyone else know their partner is having an affair but choose to ignore it?

[SamillaW]

I’ve known for two years. There are a number of reasons I’ve decided to live with it

1. We’re actually quite happy. Happier than we were 5 or 6 years ago when we went through a really rough patch. We go away together without the kids twice a year, we have our own lives and
   hobbies and our home runs very nicely

2. Financially divorce would be a disaster for both of us. He would lose half of a business he’s spent his life building (and not the kind of business you could easily split). I wouldn’t be able to carry on my career at the level I am without another adult/added support. We have inherited family money which would be impossible to split - extract from the family pot

3. Sex - honestly I feel like a burden has been taken off me. We still have sex but at a level I am happy with, the pressure has gone.

For a long time I thought I was unusual but I recently made a new friend and she is also aware her husband has a long term girlfriend.

I know how affairs are viewed on MN so don’t expect lots of people to come forward and say oh me too - but in case anyone else is reading this and identifies with it, you aren’t the only one

@AuntSalli @DarkNecessities

y shouldn’t she get herself another bloke on the side if she wants one ??

I don't understand why so many PPs are saying the OP must have no self-respect, no self-esteem etc just because she is not putting a stop to this situation.

Why should her self-esteem depend on one man devoting himself exclusively to her? Maybe she's happy with herself, her life and everything she's achieved, without any reference to him at all?

I think OP deserves credit for her clear-eyed view of the situation, and for her open-mindedness, and her honesty with herself in recognising that she's happy with the situation. It's 2022 - relationships don't have to conform to such rigid formulae as they once did.

You’re assuming another bloke is also up for joining this circus.

@SamillaW

youre putting too much emphasis on having a comfortable life op

u deserve more … someone who loves you and respects you

life is too short and you can’t restart it

kick him out

put yourself first

kids will be fine

@AuntSalli

im sure lots would

If her husband can do it, so can she

it’s as simple as that

Why should her self-esteem depend on one man devoting himself exclusively to her? Maybe she's happy with herself, her life and everything she's achieved, without any reference to him at all?
It's not without any reference to him, as she's choosing to stay in the marriage?

I think you’d be quite surprised I accidentally put a picture of myself up when I was single but I was at the gym and I was holding my phone I hadn’t taken my wedding ring off yet and they are amount of abuse I got you would not believe.
Different rules for women

The pictures went on a dating site, missed that critical piece of information

Exactly my point. It didn't end well for any of us. I shouldn't have let him get away with it for so long.

@Tuilpmouse

Course it wasn't talked about, in the past you wouldn't talk about anything sexual it was widely frowned upon or discuss things that happened behind closed doors. This is a modern thing to tell your friends or post your life drama on social media

I suppose I'd wonder why you don't just tell him you know and you're fine with it? I'd at least want him to know that I know...

I have never known anyone in this situation, well anyone that has told me about it, anyway

Just because it wouldn't suit other people OP it seems to work for you - It would not do for me, however I respect you for taking such a considered approach

You keep saying you are happy as a couple, well clearly he is not - or he would not be risking all, for this other woman. He thinks that much of her that he is risking all for her - and that would be the part that would sting for me

and the fact that he is dipping his dick in someone elses vag, and then whacking it up yours. ewwwwwwwwwww its dirty, mate

The whole thing sounds like a financial arrangement as opposed to a marriage too in many ways

Yknow there are an awful lot of people who just stay together for the kids

One thing that gets me is you talk of the upheaval of a split, and i totally understand this - BUT you are leaving the ball in his court - everything is up to him, if he leaves later on when the kids are grown up, you have no control over any of it ..................and if you become single in ten years, you are less likely to find someone else

I am not saying you are wrong, just blathering on like an idiot really

@AuntSalli

only different rules for women if you allow them

end of day if op wants a bit on the side - someone a bit fitter than her husband, better in bed etc - then she should go for it

her husband can’t complain can he?!

simple

never stay together just for the kids

EVER

a mother’s happiness matters every bit as much as her kids

Why should her self-esteem depend on one man devoting himself exclusively to her? Maybe she's happy with herself, her life and everything she's achieved, without any reference to him at all?

Agreed. Whatever the rights and wrongs of this, I'm thinking those whose self-esteem is inextricably linked to a man's undivided affections hasn't actually got as much self-esteem as someone who doesn't.

I knew my husband was seeing soneone/other women. I stayed because I thought I would be ruining the kids' lives if I said we should split.

I regret that so much. Unlike the OP, I wasn't happy, and I worry about the example I have set for my kids.

In the end, he left. I do wish I had done something about it years before

Agreed, but that's not what the OP is doing...

For some, sex is a deeply emotional experience where the participants are fully exposed in all senses of the world to their partners. For others, it is no more than a recreational activity - golfers play with other individual players, as part of same-sex or mixed foursomes, many pay a professional to play with them in order to improve their performance.
There are wealthy SAHP who outsource everything from breastfeeding to the school run and everything inbetween.
The OP is happy to currently outsource her husband's excess libido to the OW. Many people are very transactional in their private lives, lots of successful people (usually men, but not always) who select a sperm or egg donor, keep the family unit together long enough to get an heir and a spare before focusing entirely on career and money generation and society seems to fawn on celebrities who deign to occasionally spend time with their abandoned children.
As an 'empty nester' I now see the past thirty years as a series of phases, each with their own challenges and opportunities, many could have been played differently and I am happy to have a good relationship with most of the people important to me.
OP, if it works for you, I'm happy for you but sophisticated 'don't ask, don't tell) compromises between consenting adults can be very hard to explain to children should the broader picture become known.

Methinks the OP doth protest too much.

Hence why the post?

......and if you become single in ten years, you are less likely to find someone else

Or if she's like me, or my sister, or a number of other women I know, she may be very happy being single and not WANT to find someone else. My place in this world is not defined by having a partner.

I have a total of 3 men very close in my life. One is a (very) ex BF, who I adore like a brother. One is an ex-boss who has become a very dear friend; we like the same things, we think very similarly, sense of humour very alike, who would be the perfect husband for me bar one little factor - neither of us fancies the other in any way at all. And the third is my Dcat.

@LuckySantangelo35 so you’re completely ignoring the fact that she might not be able to find another person male or female who is prepared to get involved in this, if somebody came on to Mumsnet to run this scenario what would the majority say ? To the 4th wheel ?

@Allergictoironing

totally Agree she’s doesn’t need a man

but she may Want one and it Could be harder if she waits ten years

op needs to be thinking of herself right now and keeping her options open as much as poss

@AuntSalli

not everyone would want to no of course not

all I’m sayin is that op has every right to have a bit on the side should she want that and can find someone willing

It’s about security isn’t it, the business is producing a lot of money, you actually quite like your husband and accept the mistress because your life is good, as just another divorce, your comfortable life changes.

A surprising number of women choose not to divorce, they are secure and probably still in love with their husband.

I did the same with my long term partner. The relationship had run its course but we lived in a foreign country for his work. He had been seeing a girl at work and I think it was semi serious (3+ years). Without him I would have had to either fund a home there alone (not possible) or move home. I loved my life and my friends in this country. Similar to you, turning a blind eye allowed me to continue my life without the pressures of "making us work", I went out more with my friends and we lived as glorified siblings. Even when he blatantly lied to my face I just did not care. Every now and then I saw photographs and texts on his phone and I really didnt care. I was not yet looking for children and marriage so it seemed no harm in staying with him and treading water while I enjoyed my life. 3 years after I found out I returned home alone for a family birthday and met a man (now DH) and fell in love. I then ended the relationship and moved home 2 months later. We never spoke of his affair as I felt it unfair to list it as my reason for leaving and paint him a villain when I had basically used him for convenience. I just told family and friends I was homesick. He did not ask me to stay and I have not had contact with him since. He is now married with 3 children and outwardly appears very happy but I know from a mutual friend he is still cheating every chance he gets.