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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold... he's done it again.

180 replies

LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 08:39

Name change but I've posted on here before about it which some may remember. Posting on Relationships for a change because AIBU just turns your problems into a soap drama with "why bother posting if you won't take our advice" if you don't LTB within 20 minutes of posting. Hmm

Anyway, I do need to LTB this time and I'm looking for a handhold and some advice as to where to go from here.

I've caught him spying on me again. And it's undeniable this time as he had the camera on and running, but hidden behind something until just before he left for work then he moved it so he could see my comings and goings.

I caught him out the last time and he fed me some bullshit story which I chose to believe (because it was easier than leaving) and promised he wouldn't do it again but he has.

It's the final catalyst. We've been coasting along for years but now it's time to cut the cord.

Couldn't come at a shittier time with the cost of living, inflation going crazy, and we've just tied ourselves into another 2yrs on the mortgage.

Wise women of Mumsnet, what is my next step?

Not married, no kids, joint house/mortgage. Neither can afford to buy the other out. I've fucked up massively by having our so-called "joint" savings in his account so they're gone.

I feel like I'm swimming in treacle right now.

OP posts:
FetchezLaVache · 29/09/2022 08:43

I remember your first post and I for one never blame anyone for giving it one last try, however bleak it looks - at least now you know you gave him every chance to reform and that he's absolutely not going to. There's no 'What if?' for you.

I suppose, practically, you will need to stay under the same roof until the house can be sold, if neither of you can move in with family or friends. Is there no way he'd repay the money you've paid into your joint savings over the years?

But stay strong. You are doing the right thing. Spying on you suggests that he's unwell in a way you can't help him with.

Do you have RL support?

astoundedgoat · 29/09/2022 08:47

Can you speak to a solicitor about recouping the money in his account from the sale of the house?

how much equity do you each have in the house? Do you have any cash of your own all and do you work?

ChrisTrepidation · 29/09/2022 08:47

So has he actually taken all your savings from the joint account?

Dery · 29/09/2022 08:47

Sorry to hear that, OP.

Why are the savings in your joint account any more gone for you than for him? Don’t you both control the account and can you not move your money out of it?

Play it cool for now. Don’t let him know your plans until you’re able to get your ducks in a row.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 29/09/2022 08:48

On the face of it it’s pretty simple. Did you buy as tenants in common or joint tenants, and did you have any agreement for selling? If you have any form of joint account move half to an account of your own now. Gather up and copy anything to do with joint finances in case you need to leave. Do you have friends/family you can stay with? How is he likely to react when you tell him it’s over?

Allicando · 29/09/2022 08:50

Please do not blame yourself for giving it another try. I have with my h after a betrayal (which looks to be the wrong decision). Does he know that you know? First step speak with the mortgage company and see what your options are. Most likely you can port it to another property. You would only be liable to pay the redemption charge on the money you decrease your mortgage by and you can have his name taken off / yours taken off if he wants to transfer it.

Breaking up is shitty and I did not see your first post but sounds like you know what you have to do. Take care x

Dery · 29/09/2022 08:51

Sorry - didn’t read the joint account thing properly. Ignore me. Yes, that was a mistake but I’m sure you’ll learn from it. It’s hard when you trust someone.

With regard to the money in his account, can you calculate how much was paid in and get evidence of its planned uses. The money wasn’t a gift to him and if you can prove that, you might be able to sue for it back if it comes to that.

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 08:53

The savings are in his personal account so I have no access to them. It's a long story of how they ended up there and I've been very foolish but it is what it is. I know he won't share them with me. We've been needing various house repairs over the last couple of years and he has said he won't be using "his" money for them. So they're gone.

We are joint tenants. Nothing else really is joint so I'm not sure what paperwork I need copies of.

He has family he can stay with and he did stay with them last time this happened but he won't again. He came back saying this was just as much his house as mine so he's not leaving. I haven't told him it's over yet.

OP posts:
Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 08:55

Allicando · 29/09/2022 08:50

Please do not blame yourself for giving it another try. I have with my h after a betrayal (which looks to be the wrong decision). Does he know that you know? First step speak with the mortgage company and see what your options are. Most likely you can port it to another property. You would only be liable to pay the redemption charge on the money you decrease your mortgage by and you can have his name taken off / yours taken off if he wants to transfer it.

Breaking up is shitty and I did not see your first post but sounds like you know what you have to do. Take care x

I've never heard of porting my mortgage. I'll look into that, thank you. Does that mean I will have 2 loans?

OP posts:
BMW6 · 29/09/2022 09:00

If he's secretly filming you isn't that a criminal offence? Could you call the police and have him arrested?

Ihatethenewlook · 29/09/2022 09:03

Why has it taken so long for someone to point this out?? Phone the police op ffs! I wouldn’t be above holding him over a barrel and threatening to get him prosecuted if he doesn’t hand over a fair share of the savings.

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 09:04

BMW6 · 29/09/2022 09:00

If he's secretly filming you isn't that a criminal offence? Could you call the police and have him arrested?

I suppose I could but realistically where would that actually get me? I want this to be as amicable as possible so we can get it sorted and go our separate ways as quickly as possible. I wouldn't put it past him making things difficult for me as it is.

OP posts:
PigsInBlanketyBlankets · 29/09/2022 09:05

Why haven't you rung the police?

caringcarer · 29/09/2022 09:07

I sure he has broken the law. Call the police and have him charged. See a solicitor about house. No way back for him from this. It would gross me out.

Pushyoupullme · 29/09/2022 09:08

I don't know the backstory to this if there are other threads which I have not seen. It does sound as though you need to leave and here is a hand hold from me. Sometimes we do have to say goodbye to money possessions and even friends in order to protect ourselves and move on with our lives.

However, if there is no other abuse other than the spying or of a type that you can 'tolerate' and sort of distance yourself from then there is an alternative argument that you should get your ducks in a row strategically. Perhaps you can find a way to get some money back into your possession again or at least see if you can get proof it is yours and speak to a solicitor about it if the sum is worth that? Or at least set yourself up the best to leave.

I want to be clear I am not minimising his behaviour at all but it's up to you whether you want to do it now or more slowly and strategically. This depends on whether you think you actually can gain anything by the latter way realistically and whether your wellbeing would be too badly affected by not making the break straight away. There are arguments both ways in some situations only. I hope this makes sense, it does in my head.

cherrysthename · 29/09/2022 09:08

It's not possible to be amicable with someone this unreasonable (what he's done with your money) and criminal. You can control your own behaviour, but you can't control his by pussyfooting around him. He will likely be spiteful in any event.
Call the police.

SuperCamp · 29/09/2022 09:15

In your shoes I would first talk to a mortgage broker, explain the situation and explore options.

The most important thing is that you get free of this man. Focus on that. You built up savings once, you can do it again, and most importantly whilst living in peace and free of fear.

The fact that you caught him blatantly filming you probably just means that he will now try harder not to get caught. Never stay logged in to anything, maybe ask on a Geek board how to check your computer / phone for trackers, keystroke trackers, etc.

Then seek advice about your liabilities, options and opportunities with a mortgage broker.

Free of him would you have the flexibility to work more hours? Re-locate to a cheaper area?

Meanwhile is there any way you can secretly build an escape fund? Enough for a van hire and a deposit in a flat rental?

Do you have a close friend or family member for moral support and / or an emergency bolt hole?

You can do this OP. It’s a project to me managed, and you will be so much happier this time next year if you complete it.

TwoWeeksislong · 29/09/2022 09:16

I do think a chat to the police or women’s aid would be a good idea.
Spying on you (again!) suggests a level of entitlement towards you that makes me worry about how he will behave when you break up with him and need to stay in the same house until it’s sold. Preempt any scary behavior by talking to the DV specialists about what behavior to watch out for and what to do if it happens. If you’re going in to this knowing what help is available from the police and the legal system in different scenarios you will be able to handle the fear of who he will react better.

Fraaahnces · 29/09/2022 09:16

Maybe you should simply get him arrested. He is horrible!!! You should be able to get his banking details and transfer half.

SuperCamp · 29/09/2022 09:19

I agree, it won’t be amicable OP.

He will do everything he can to control you and if he can’t control you, destroy you.

Pushyoupullme · 29/09/2022 09:20

Whether you are going to start leaving him today or over a longer period I do completely agree that you need to get evidence of financial transactions, emails, his spying (E.G. photos when you find things like the camera). Get legal advice immediately. Yes you might be able to use the threat of reporting him for the spying for some leverage but this often doesn't work. Remember he will also probably be trying to be strategic to cover his arse and if there is anything he can use against you financially or otherwise to counter you he undoubtedly will. (And be strategic as much as you can even if you are out of there within the next few hours or days so you can gather up your evidence and personal stuff as much as you can. On the other hand if you are in danger always go immediately regardless.)

Also talk to Women's Aid and an Independent Financial Adviser as well as the solicitor at your earliest opportunity.

diddl · 29/09/2022 09:21

He secretly films you &makes you put your money in his account.

It won't be amicable unfortunately.

Beamur · 29/09/2022 09:21

Call Women's Aid. They will be able to advise you of the best way out of this.
He's controlling and manipulative and I wouldn't assume he will behave amicably once he realises you are serious.
You may be safer in sorting out alternative accommodation before you say anything.

TheLoupGarou · 29/09/2022 09:23

I think you should get legal advice in regard to the house/mortgage and advice from the police/women's aid about how to keep yourself safe whilst in the process of separating. Who's to say his behaviour won't escalate? I think it should be on the record for your sake and for the sake of any other poor woman he might do this to in future.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you - it's a nightmare.

SparrowsNest · 29/09/2022 09:24

Agree with advice to contact Womens Aid and the police. If arrested and charged maybe bail conditions could keep him away from your home given the nature of what he has been doing?