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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold... he's done it again.

180 replies

LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 08:39

Name change but I've posted on here before about it which some may remember. Posting on Relationships for a change because AIBU just turns your problems into a soap drama with "why bother posting if you won't take our advice" if you don't LTB within 20 minutes of posting. Hmm

Anyway, I do need to LTB this time and I'm looking for a handhold and some advice as to where to go from here.

I've caught him spying on me again. And it's undeniable this time as he had the camera on and running, but hidden behind something until just before he left for work then he moved it so he could see my comings and goings.

I caught him out the last time and he fed me some bullshit story which I chose to believe (because it was easier than leaving) and promised he wouldn't do it again but he has.

It's the final catalyst. We've been coasting along for years but now it's time to cut the cord.

Couldn't come at a shittier time with the cost of living, inflation going crazy, and we've just tied ourselves into another 2yrs on the mortgage.

Wise women of Mumsnet, what is my next step?

Not married, no kids, joint house/mortgage. Neither can afford to buy the other out. I've fucked up massively by having our so-called "joint" savings in his account so they're gone.

I feel like I'm swimming in treacle right now.

OP posts:
DesMoulinsRouge · 29/09/2022 18:47

I would urge you to do factory reset on your devices and change passwords on everything.

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 18:51

I'd be very surprised if he has been able to put anything on my phone. Its locked up with fingerprint and password. He never has access to it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 18:51

He did manage to get access to my emails a few years ago so everything has been locked down tight since then.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/09/2022 18:56

I would report to the police it may be grounds to have removed from the house whilst selling and also Claire's Law for anyone else he gets involved with in the future.

You can tell him he can use your savings on his account to pay for rent etc.

RandomMess · 29/09/2022 18:56

He isn't going to be amicable does he film you as he's controlling or sexual gratification or both?

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 19:01

I don't want to call the police on him. He's not a monster. He's just insecure about fuck knows what. He went through a period a few years back of the outside camera, going through my bag, driving or walking past my work to make sure I was there. I told him it was unacceptable and he said he would never do it again... but here we are.

OP posts:
Ponderingwindow · 29/09/2022 19:03

It’s not going to be amicable. You need to let go of that idea right now. Cohabitating people get angry when separations happen and that is inevitable. Controlling men get dangerous. That is what you need to be worried about right now.

You are right though that it is just money. If you have a good job and no child care responsibilities, you may recover financially surprisingly quickly. After we split, I discovered that my ex was more of a drain on my finances than I realized.

play this carefully. Don’t hesitate to talk to women’s aid. Even if you don’t need a shelter, they have good advice on staying safe.

Don’t tell him too much too soon. The less he knows about your plans the better. Pretending to be placated one more time might be wise.

IceandIndigo · 29/09/2022 19:07

LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 18:23

The savings are gone. There is no way I'll be able to get them back either legally or by coercing him. It was my own stupid mistake but everything, for him, is legal and above board. Anyway, that's not what I'm really focused on. I have a good job and could save up again with time.

Just to say though, the camera that I have found (twice now) has been outside watching my comings and goings from the house. They haven't been inside (to me knowledge). I'm 90% sure he does have a tracker on my car though even though I checked and didn't find it. He just knows things, like if I nip out of work on my lunch break he will know.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. It's a lot to think about and some really good advice. I will need to confront him tomorrow because I moved the camera yesterday when I saw it so he'll know I've seen it.

I don’t really understand how this can be the case, unless you gave the money to him as a gift and told him he could spend it on anything he wanted. Urge you to speak to a solicitor, even if he’s spent the money you may still be able to make him repay it. If you don’t have anything in writing regarding the money it might be a good idea to send him a text message asking about it, before the shit hits the fan.

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 19:07

I don't think I can play at being placated one more time. It's been in the back of my mind for months about separating and as soon as I spotted the camera last night I just felt dead inside. I don't think I can put on a smile and fake it any more.

OP posts:
Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 19:08

Aside from contacting the mortgage company, what else should I be doing?

OP posts:
Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 19:12

IceandIndigo · 29/09/2022 19:07

I don’t really understand how this can be the case, unless you gave the money to him as a gift and told him he could spend it on anything he wanted. Urge you to speak to a solicitor, even if he’s spent the money you may still be able to make him repay it. If you don’t have anything in writing regarding the money it might be a good idea to send him a text message asking about it, before the shit hits the fan.

Show quote history

Long story short is all the money was in a joint savings account. When this happened the last time, we were going to split. I followed MN advice and took half the savings and he took the other half as soon as he noticed what I had done. Once we reconciled, I put my half back and we have spent it on joint things. Stuff for the house, holidays, whatever. He meanwhile refused to put "his half" back, and has kept it for himself.

OP posts:
Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 19:14

What really grates on me though is we remortgaged the house for a big chunk of that money so we could use it to fix the roof and other essential repairs. He's refusing to use that money for it's purpose and he doesn't even pay towards the mortgage Angry

So he has a big chunk of savings which I am essentially paying for all of it!

OP posts:
snowbellsxox · 29/09/2022 19:22

Why's he spying on you?! Bizarre
I'd be careful too when it comes to splitting, sounds bit like stalker behaviour

ocadodeliveroo · 29/09/2022 19:43

LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 19:01

I don't want to call the police on him. He's not a monster. He's just insecure about fuck knows what. He went through a period a few years back of the outside camera, going through my bag, driving or walking past my work to make sure I was there. I told him it was unacceptable and he said he would never do it again... but here we are.

I don’t know OP, you know him best but I’d be running off to my parents/friends, anywhere to get away from that man. IDC if I have to leave everything behind. Everything you’ve explained sounds so scary to me. Sounds like one of those lifetime movies that doesn’t ends well. I’m praying you’ll be safe, honestly xx

snowbellsxox · 29/09/2022 19:45

Sounds like a stalker not your partner
Be careful

IceandIndigo · 29/09/2022 20:10

Ok I’m confused about the money then because I thought you said it was in his personal account. Do you mean that when you remortgaged the money went to his account? I would still speak to a solicitor as it sounds like he has basically coerced you into paying for things that should have been joint, and is now controlling what is at best joint money and refusing to spend it on what you agreed. Of course the most important thing is that you get away safely, but your savings might help you make a fresh start.

anderosonnmj · 29/09/2022 20:23

Please speak to a solicitor asap about the mortgage money disappearing into his account. This sounds a lot more serious than disagreeing about what to do with joint savings.

Is the mortgage in joint names?

Cantthinkofanewnameatm · 29/09/2022 20:39

As pp have said, he is not going to be amicable. His attitude to.using yoyr money has shown this.
See a solicitor asap.
I’d start moving anything and everything of value from the house. If you’re not going to get your money back take everything you can.
I would report him to the police for the cameras. It’ll be on record if he does anything in the future. He might not take this separation well.
Good luck but be be prepared to get tough.

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 20:41

IceandIndigo · 29/09/2022 20:10

Ok I’m confused about the money then because I thought you said it was in his personal account. Do you mean that when you remortgaged the money went to his account? I would still speak to a solicitor as it sounds like he has basically coerced you into paying for things that should have been joint, and is now controlling what is at best joint money and refusing to spend it on what you agreed. Of course the most important thing is that you get away safely, but your savings might help you make a fresh start.

When we remortgaged, the money went into the joint account. When we separated, I took half and he took half. When we reconciled, I put my half back and he didn't.

OP posts:
Original poster
LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 20:41

anderosonnmj · 29/09/2022 20:23

Please speak to a solicitor asap about the mortgage money disappearing into his account. This sounds a lot more serious than disagreeing about what to do with joint savings.

Is the mortgage in joint names?

Yes, mortgage is in joint names.

OP posts:
dane8 · 29/09/2022 21:19

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Queenie6655 · 29/09/2022 21:27

BMW6 · 29/09/2022 09:00

If he's secretly filming you isn't that a criminal offence? Could you call the police and have him arrested?

Yes Time to get police involved

This is awful you poor thing !!!!

CombatBarbie · 29/09/2022 22:20

Why is he not paying the mortgage?

Pixiedust1234 · 29/09/2022 22:58

@LegibleLucy its time to consult a solicitor and find out what your options are. Only then will you know what is possible for you. Some will even do free basic advice but to make it worth your while have a list of questions you want the answers to. Good luck

Brigante9 · 29/09/2022 23:11

If he’s not paying the mortgage, surely you have recourse to take a great deal more equity then him? You need to see a solicitor and see if you can sell with his agreement.