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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold... he's done it again.

180 replies

LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 08:39

Name change but I've posted on here before about it which some may remember. Posting on Relationships for a change because AIBU just turns your problems into a soap drama with "why bother posting if you won't take our advice" if you don't LTB within 20 minutes of posting. Hmm

Anyway, I do need to LTB this time and I'm looking for a handhold and some advice as to where to go from here.

I've caught him spying on me again. And it's undeniable this time as he had the camera on and running, but hidden behind something until just before he left for work then he moved it so he could see my comings and goings.

I caught him out the last time and he fed me some bullshit story which I chose to believe (because it was easier than leaving) and promised he wouldn't do it again but he has.

It's the final catalyst. We've been coasting along for years but now it's time to cut the cord.

Couldn't come at a shittier time with the cost of living, inflation going crazy, and we've just tied ourselves into another 2yrs on the mortgage.

Wise women of Mumsnet, what is my next step?

Not married, no kids, joint house/mortgage. Neither can afford to buy the other out. I've fucked up massively by having our so-called "joint" savings in his account so they're gone.

I feel like I'm swimming in treacle right now.

OP posts:
HandbagAtDawn · 29/09/2022 09:27

He's broken the law by covertly filming you and stealing your money. You don't need it to be amicable, you need him arrested. You're more likely to get everything that's rightly yours if you go down this route. He's a criminal and he's been abusing you for years. He won't play fair. Once he realises you're serious about leaving, he will escalate his behaviour and at the very least will be vindictive, at the very worst he'll become dangerous.

It's shocking to read how passive you seem to be in this. I think you probably haven't processed exactly how bad this is. Please speak to Women's Aid.

JimmyShoo · 29/09/2022 09:34

i would call the Police but if you really don’t want to want to then I would still tell him he either transfers you half the savings or you will.

Peridot1 · 29/09/2022 09:44

When he says he is not spending ‘his’ money on the house did you point out it was partly yours? What did he say? How much are we talking about?

As others have said what he has done is illegal. I would think going to the police would give you more leverage/breathing space. And the possibility of recouping your money.

ocadodeliveroo · 29/09/2022 09:46

OP, Someone that's secretly filming you is not going to be amicable. How do you know he's not filmed you at your most vulnerable moments, or naked or intimacy etc?
I don't think you realize the magnitude of this situation.

BrioLover · 29/09/2022 09:55

Oh OP I am sorry. I remember your other thread and I have to agree this won't be amicable - he won't let it be. He's already filmed you in secret and essentially stolen your money by appropriating it as his (also his nonsensical talk of not using 'his' money on his own house!).

I'd get down to Citizens Advice and call Women's Aid. And research solicitors, and then appoint one. You'll need one with experience in domestic abuse and coercive control I expect.

Spend some time gathering financial evidence where you can, photograph and scan everything.

Given he's already spied on you I would suggest going to cash converters or CEX and getting a burner phone where you can take photos and screenshot things.

Good luck. You will need nerves of steel but you can do this. Imagine what it will be like when you are out and free.

somebody2lava · 29/09/2022 10:01

I remember your other thread. Are you sure he hasn't got trackers /key loggers etc on your phone or computer etc?

In your shoes I would 100% call the police. It may well be his house too but as soon as they find proof he will be told he has to stay away as what he's done to you is shocking. It also gives you a bargaining chip, you could drop the charges if he gives you your half of the savings back and agrees to split.

CandyLeBonBon · 29/09/2022 10:06

I'd be calling women's aid and the police. And getting a non molestation order (women's aid can help with this or at least point you in the right direction). He's financially and coercively controlling you.

Sadly the time for 'amicable' separation has passed. Being nice in the hope it will be pain free is a pipe dream sadly. You already know this.

OooohAhhhh · 29/09/2022 10:06

I think you need to report this & get it logged because the spying on you might not stop once you split up, he might stalk you etc.
His behaviour isn't normal.

Pixiedust1234 · 29/09/2022 10:12

I'm sorry you are having to go through this. I would still contact the police as you will never know if he stops filming you. Its a criminal offence and it might mean he gets to be removed from the house until its sold. You never know until you try.

PuggyMum · 29/09/2022 10:14

Before you do anything can you not say 'please transfer my money back - I need it for x/y/z if we're not doing the home improvements anytime soon?'

Hearthnhome · 29/09/2022 10:20

The only way this could be amicable is it you leave and find a way to transfer your share of the equity of the house to him. So leave with absolutely nothing.

Even then, abusers rarely just let it end like that. There’s nothing you can do make this amicable.

I would really recommend you involve the police. Because he abuse is likely to ramp up.

TooHotToTangoToo · 29/09/2022 10:20

I agree with @PuggyMum it's got to be worth one last go at getting 50% of the savings back, even if you feed him some bullshit story about paying for a new car for him as a surprise, and that you need to money to do so, once it's in your account tell him to do one.

Birdy1066 · 29/09/2022 10:24

Get advice from Women’s Aid and look up The Freedom Programme. You’re upset and stressed but you can get out of this damaging relationship and begin again.
You can write your losses off, it hurts and is unfair, but you can move past this. Get good advice from all resources available and good luck.

nancydroo · 29/09/2022 10:25

BMW6 · 29/09/2022 09:00

If he's secretly filming you isn't that a criminal offence? Could you call the police and have him arrested?

Great idea

nancydroo · 29/09/2022 10:26

Check that he doesn't have a tracker on your phone or your car before doing anything op

Bollindger · 29/09/2022 10:32

Move your wages to a different account, do it as soon as it hits the account and tell him to pay the bills out of the money he took from the account, so he has to repay the money.
Also get work to change where your wages go. change all your account details, and card numbers.
Do not shop or do anything that involves a cost to you.
You don't need to tell him you are leaving just let him think your cross he took the money.

workinmums · 29/09/2022 10:32

I agree with everyone regarding the trackers. Check your phone thoroughly OP.

oobeedoobee · 29/09/2022 10:42

Sorry OP, but the idea that you could separate 'amicably' simply isn't under your control, so give up thinking you could somehow get him to act 'reasonably' if you somehow 'placate' him or 'play it right'.

He's NOT 'reasonable', or even bloody 'normal' in his thoughts or actions, which he's already proven to you repeatedly !

The only thing you CAN control, is giving yourself all the help/advice you can, and in ensuring the police and Womens Aid are 100% aware of his past and present actions i.e the spyware and financial controlling behaviour.

This will minimise what he is able to do to you as 'revenge' for daring to leave him, and offer you the greatest protection as well as a possibility of restoring your financial losses.

You MUST protect yourself. To that end, firstly, never using your phone/laptop or any electronic device he has had access to. Secondly, assume your car is being tracked.

Contact Police and Womens Aid via either a public payphone, a friends phone, a new 'pay as you go' phone or a work landline, and ensure you do not have anything with you that he could have placed a device that could be used to listen in e.g your mobile or your handbag.

Listen to their advice and act on it. They are familiar with this kind of abusive/controlling behaviour and will tell you how it is best to proceed.

potniatheron · 29/09/2022 10:46

OP I feel for you. I left an abusive relationship 8 years ago. He owed me thousands. I walked away from it because I figured my sanity and safety was preferable. I started again with nothing which wasn't easy but I built my life back up much faster than if I had had dealings with my toxic ex dragging me down.

The most important thing is getting yourself out of the situation as it will eat away at you.

VioletInsolence · 29/09/2022 11:23

He’s used to you being very passive and I think that you need to change your behaviour now or you’ll always be in abusive relationships. If you stood up for yourself and got angry instead of cowering in fear he’d back down. Make him scared of you…..because when you think about it you have all the power here because you could make his life very difficult.

Why should he get away with stealing your money? Go to the police and then you’ll be able to get him out of your house and get your money back.

MyDogLucy · 29/09/2022 11:38

I remember your thread. This is really scary and I agree, he's definitely not going to be amicable. He has absolutely broken the law, please do tell the police. It will be a lot harder to get him out if you don't. I really feel for you.

Springtimeshowers · 29/09/2022 11:45

what's he doing with the stuff he records? is he sharing it online? Call the police!

OurChristmasMiracle · 29/09/2022 11:58

Have you got evidence of the amount you have sent to his account?

secondly make sure all of your wages are paid into your own account and that he doesn’t have any access to this. Destroy the card if needed or leave it somewhere safe away from him

ask him to send you what you’ve paid into savings for whatever reason you can think of- maybe your mum/dad need it urgently because their boiler broke?

report the secret filming to the police and speak with women’s aid

i know this is hard but you can do it!

OneFootintheRave · 29/09/2022 11:59

I remember your last post.

I would keep my powder dry and get the house repairs booked in and done if possible. Then, when you go your separate ways at least that money has been invested in the house and you will benefit.

Find your anger at this fucking creepy loser. Keep some evidence if you can find it, even letting him carry on filming. Then when you have sorted a split, report him to the police.

Bookworm20 · 29/09/2022 12:03

What he has done is definitely criminal. Make sure you keep proof of this in case he does get nasty.

In terms of the money, isn't financial abuse also considered a crime now? someone here may know. As this is essentially what that is. You paid into joint savings which he has put in his name. So think hard on this as police and/or court involvement here may see you getting that money back at least.

And also involving the police in his filming you may help you get some sort of order to prevent him from coming near you, in which case he'd have no choice but to move out of the house.