Need a handhold... he's done it again.

[LegibleLucy]

Name change but I've posted on here before about it which some may remember. Posting on Relationships for a change because AIBU just turns your problems into a soap drama with "why bother posting if you won't take our advice" if you don't LTB within 20 minutes of posting.

Anyway, I do need to LTB this time and I'm looking for a handhold and some advice as to where to go from here.

I've caught him spying on me again. And it's undeniable this time as he had the camera on and running, but hidden behind something until just before he left for work then he moved it so he could see my comings and goings.

I caught him out the last time and he fed me some bullshit story which I chose to believe (because it was easier than leaving) and promised he wouldn't do it again but he has.

It's the final catalyst. We've been coasting along for years but now it's time to cut the cord.

Couldn't come at a shittier time with the cost of living, inflation going crazy, and we've just tied ourselves into another 2yrs on the mortgage.

Wise women of Mumsnet, what is my next step?

Not married, no kids, joint house/mortgage. Neither can afford to buy the other out. I've fucked up massively by having our so-called "joint" savings in his account so they're gone.

I feel like I'm swimming in treacle right now.

I would ask you to also phone women's aid and the police, not just for yourself, but because shining a light on his behaviour may help other women in his future too.

We its time to play dirty. Either he gives you your money back or your going to the police about his unlawful recordings of you. You can still go to the police once you have your money back.

*Well

Does he know you know about the recording equipment?

He can return your savings, or you report him to the police? Could that work? For the spying and the financial abuse?

First thing I would do is disable & remove the camera, if you aren't supposed to know it is there how can you have removed it. Then get your ducks in a row, get all the financial information, payslips, bank statements, pension information, things like birth certificates, passports, driving licence etc, take half of the joint account, make sure you have a bank account in your sole name, then leave as soon as you have somewhere to go or kick him out, get a good solicitor & take him for as much as you can.

Exactly this. Now is the time to be cunning with the information you now possess. Don't write your savings off. Get angry!

OneFootintheRave · Today 11:59

I remember your last post.

I would keep my powder dry and get the house repairs booked in and done if possible. Then, when you go your separate ways at least that money has been invested in the house and you will benefit.

why do people feel the need to write comments when it's clear they haven't read the OP's comments properly. She's made it quite clear their money is in his private bank account and that he has previously refused to book/pay for and work on the house so how is she supposed to book and pay for the repairs? Are you assuming she has a spare stash of money that she keeps hidden for such eventualities, ie abuse, coercion, gaslighting? If so, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have mentioned the loss of her savings in the first place, she'd be able to just leave.

For all of you saying things like 'show him your anger', you obviously don't know what possible danger she could be in if she retaliated in any way.

Sick of people on here just typing away with 'advice', especially to vulnerable people, thinking its some kind of bloody soap opera or interactive game, and not thinking of the consequences for the OP - just sit back and watch their lives fall apart for your own entertainment.

OP please get some proper advice from the police or women's aid, or even a solicitor - whatever you feel more comfortable with. I can understand your need to reach out and ask for support on here but honestly, no-one on here is an expert, no-one can protect you or help you in any way. Most are just basing their comments on personal experience but every story of abuse is unique and nobody knows how that story will unfold. No-one can say 'if you do this then he can't do x,y z' etc because nobody knows how he will react to any given or hypothetical situation. You need expert advice

Couldn't agree more with the post above about contacting Women's Aid and/or the police. This is abuse and you physically have the camera. That is invaluable evidence and you need to preserve it. There is no playing nice where men like this are concerned.

As for the house? You will probably need to sell it eventually. Look on the bright side, you have no children to tie yourself to this man for life. That is a very, very good thing.

OP, you need to talk to police. What if he does this to the next woman?

Haven’t read full text but wanted to offer solidarity.
please speak to Womens Aid. Keep notes , diary of what happened when.
It’s also worth reporting to the police.
do you have evidence of transferring funds to his account?
Get your ducks in a row and be prepared for him to play dirty even though you’re trying to keep it amicable.
I gave my ex husband several opportunities to change. He didn’t. You have given a second chance so no “what ifs” later on.
Get support in RL and don’t keep it a secret as to what he’s done. You don’t owe him anything.
Good luck. You will look back and be so glad you left this destructive relationship.

I remember your previous post.

I too will say loudly that his actions and financial coercion means he will not be amicable, no matter how much you want it to be.

Speak to womens aid and seriously consider pressing charges for the recording and financial coercion, it's the only way you can attempt to get any of it back. I'd also be considering a non molestation order too so that you get some breathing space to sort yourself out/sell house etc.

Once bitten twice shy OP, you can do this. You know you have too.

Interest rates have risen. Can you look at a joint savings account with better interest rates and convince him to move the funds across before you split?

This is important, OP. You do need to do this. It's not about spite, or getting your own back on him.

You say realistically where would that actually get me?
He has committed crimes against you. Going to the police might get a non-molestation order against him, so you would be safe in your house while the divorce goes through. Or you could use it as leverage to make him return your money and stop obstructing you.

You say I want this to be as amicable as possible.
It's not going to be amicable. Not with a man who secretly films you, a man who refuses to return money you mistakenly put in his account, or even use it for household needs.

Pussy-footing around him hasn't helped you up till now, in fact it's encouraged him to treat you worse. And it certainly won't help in your divorce. Please take the good advice people are giving you here.

Another one saying you need to call women's aid (they will talk to you about calling the police).

Taking your money is financial abuse. You need to try and get some of this back.

If it was amicable I would be saying about getting permission to let your house, you could then rent it out and split the money until your mortgage deal ends leaving you free to sell.

Call the police. And that way you may be able to try to get your money back.

You have to meet this with an equal force OP. This is not the time to try to make nice and reduce impact.

Protect yourself. That's always more important than money.

Do phone the police. You don't know how he will react when you end the relationship. Have a plan on how you will leave safely. You may need help from friends or family.

Take him to small claims court for the savings. Get some evidence in text or email where he admits he has your money (before telling him it's over). Hopefully you have bank transfer evidence as well. Good luck!

The savings are gone. There is no way I'll be able to get them back either legally or by coercing him. It was my own stupid mistake but everything, for him, is legal and above board. Anyway, that's not what I'm really focused on. I have a good job and could save up again with time.

Just to say though, the camera that I have found (twice now) has been outside watching my comings and goings from the house. They haven't been inside (to me knowledge). I'm 90% sure he does have a tracker on my car though even though I checked and didn't find it. He just knows things, like if I nip out of work on my lunch break he will know.

Thank you everyone for your replies so far. It's a lot to think about and some really good advice. I will need to confront him tomorrow because I moved the camera yesterday when I saw it so he'll know I've seen it.

I remember your last post.

I'd probably add my own cameras so you can see where and if he is adding More.

www.kaspersky.co.uk/blog/how-to-find-spy-cameras/23963/

This link shows you how to find hidden cameras in your home and you can also buy the detectors online. If you search secret camera finder on Amazon you will see sone products.

How did he justify the use of cameras last time? What does he hope to achieve or is it part of a bigger picture ie coercive control?

Tell him you are taking the car for an MOT/knocking noise. That tracker will be off before you can say "knob head".
Take your phone/tablet/etc to a local IT shop and get it checked for trackers. He is tracking you from some app most likely.

Where ever he ordered the camera from, I will bet cold hard cash that he ordered the tracker and also a keystroke tech at the same time.

Quietly book a day off work.
Good luck xx

His excuse last time was he wanted to watch the foxes coming into the garden. Complete bullshit because his camera was pointing straight at the door and we already have CCTV outside (that I know about and have access to) so why would he need more cameras and why not tell me about them? Anyway I chose to believe him last time but this time its undeniable because the footage shows its hidden from view until he leaves for work.

Please be careful OP. Tracking you with cameras and GPS is really worrying. I strongly suggest speaking to Womens Aid for advice and making a plan to leave safely.

Like I said, I don't think I have the luxury of time because I moved the camera when I saw it and almost smashed the thing up so a discussion will need to be had tomorrow.