Page 6 | Need a handhold... he's done it again.

LegibleLucy · 2022-09-29T07:39:12+00:00

Name change but I've posted on here before about it which some may remember. Posting on Relationships for a change because AIBU just turns your problems into a soap drama with "why bother posting if you won't take our advice" if you don't LTB within 20 minutes of posting. [hmm] Anyway, I do need to LTB this time and I'm looking for a handhold and some advice as to where to go from here. I've caught him spying on me again. And it's undeniable this time as he had the camera on and running, but hidden behind something until just before he left for work then he moved it so he could see my comings and goings. I caught him out the last time and he fed me some bullshit story which I chose to believe (because it was easier than leaving) and promised he wouldn't do it again but he has. It's the final catalyst. We've been coasting along for years but now it's time to cut the cord. Couldn't come at a shittier time with the cost of living, inflation going crazy, and we've just tied ourselves into another 2yrs on the mortgage. Wise women of Mumsnet, what is my next step? Not married, no kids, joint house/mortgage. Neither can afford to buy the other out. I've fucked up massively by having our so-called "joint" savings in his account so they're gone. I feel like I'm swimming in treacle right now.

wellhelloitsme · 01/10/2022 18:54

OP this man is dangerous.

He is a threat to your physical safety as well as emotional wellbeing.

The most dangerous time to be with an abuser is when they know you are leaving them.

It's terrifying he followed you on that trip. Genuinely chilling.

If you have even one other person you can stay with in the short term, you really need to do that.

You shouldn't 'have' to be the one to leave the home and some people will be along to tell you you shouldn't let him be the one to stay there.

But this isn't a game. This isn't a battle of wills. This isn't about winning.

This is about your safety. And I don't think anyone can be safe living with someone who is so possessive, paranoid and obsessive, let alone when they've revealed they are planning to leave them.

Is there anywhere else at all you can stay? Will you ring women's aid and update them on what's happened? His behaviour is criminal at this point. Coercive control is a crime.

You said you didn't want to call the police because he isn't a monster in your opinion. But he is your stalker. He's stalking you.

It's time to get safe.

Original poster

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 08:04

Thank you everyone. To answer a pp, he doesn't pay towards the mortgage because I'm the higher earner. I'm going to be having a discussion with him today though regarding finances.

Unfortunately I don't have any friends or family I can go to so I'll have to stay put.

I keep running over and over how the hell he could have followed me that distance. It beggars belief.

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RandomMess · 02/10/2022 08:27

Please speak to rights of women about an occupation order so he has to leave.

You are massively under reacting to his stalking behaviour and how this could escalate.

MzHz · 02/10/2022 08:41

How much has he got in savinngs?

enough to ftfo relocate somewhere else? Given that this money is remortgaged and he’s not paid for it, I’d do my research on the illegal activity and assuming he’d get jail time, tell him to go. Now. With what he has looted from the savings and nothing else, or you’ll have him arrested and jailed for his stalking.

go nuclear on him, get gone, or I’ll have you put away.

mean it and do it.

speak to woman’s aid. Get those ducks lined up and use your power

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 11:28

RandomMess · 02/10/2022 08:27

Please speak to rights of women about an occupation order so he has to leave.

You are massively under reacting to his stalking behaviour and how this could escalate.

This.

You say you have nowhere to go but honestly a refuge in the short term or (as it sounds like you probably have some savings or disposable income?) a hotel or Airbnb while you contact the police to report his coercive control.

You can then apply for an occupation order.

And I'll be honest, as I said - you shouldn't 'have' to leave the home as you pay the mortgage etc. He 'should' be the one to leave. But in the short term, being safe is more important than being in that house.

You're under reacting because you've become numb to his behaviour because being spied on, accused of cheating and treating like a suspect has become your normal.

He is frightening. Following you that far is absolutely chilling.

Men like him hurt women. You are not safe sharing a life, home, bed with him.

Your priority needs to be getting safe.

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 11:30

MzHz · 02/10/2022 08:41

How much has he got in savinngs?

enough to ftfo relocate somewhere else? Given that this money is remortgaged and he’s not paid for it, I’d do my research on the illegal activity and assuming he’d get jail time, tell him to go. Now. With what he has looted from the savings and nothing else, or you’ll have him arrested and jailed for his stalking.

go nuclear on him, get gone, or I’ll have you put away.

mean it and do it.

speak to woman’s aid. Get those ducks lined up and use your power

I know you mean well but 'going nuclear' at a man like this and threatening him is so, so dangerous.

OP would be in an incredibly vulnerable position if she did this.

The most dangerous time for an abuse victim is when the abuser realises they have lost control of the victim.

This is when abusers escalate their behaviour, not when they back down.

OP please don't confront him. No good can come of it.

You need professional support (womens aid / rights of women etc) ideally including the police, to leave this relationship as safely as possible.

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/10/2022 11:39

Honestly, I do think you need to speak to Women's Aid and/Or the Police.
I know you don't think so, but he sounds dangerous.
Good luck x

Original poster

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 11:41

I can assure you all that I am not in any physical danger. And I am most definitely not leaving my own house when I'll be the one continuing to pay for it.

OP posts:

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 11:46

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 11:41

I can assure you all that I am not in any physical danger. And I am most definitely not leaving my own house when I'll be the one continuing to pay for it.

OP you are in danger and you are under reacting.

A man who secretly follows you for four and a half hours to check you are where you say you are is unhinged.

When you tell him it's over, you cannot predict how extreme his reaction may or may not be.

And I've said you absolutely shouldn't have to leave your home, but in the short term if you left for a couple of days in order to report him and get an occupation order then you would be much safer.

Do you acknowledge that his behaviour amounts to coercive control, and that coercive control is a crime?

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/10/2022 11:55

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 11:41

I can assure you all that I am not in any physical danger. And I am most definitely not leaving my own house when I'll be the one continuing to pay for it.

I am not suggesting you will need to leave your home.
But please call Women's Aid for advice.

wizzywig · 02/10/2022 12:10

How do you know he isn't accessing your phone?

CornishTiger · 02/10/2022 12:21

When you were out by this other parked car was he supposed to be at work. Wondering if he’s using dash cam footage or another camera.

You are in danger @LegibleLucy When abusers start to feel like they’ve lost the power and control it escalates. Often to violence for the first time. They have nothing to lose so nothing to stop them. Please report to police after talking to Womens aid or a local domestic abuse charity.

Original poster

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 12:51

CornishTiger · 02/10/2022 12:21

When you were out by this other parked car was he supposed to be at work. Wondering if he’s using dash cam footage or another camera.

You are in danger @LegibleLucy When abusers start to feel like they’ve lost the power and control it escalates. Often to violence for the first time. They have nothing to lose so nothing to stop them. Please report to police after talking to Womens aid or a local domestic abuse charity.

I think he's put a tracker on my car then drove to the location I was at when he finished work that day. Thinking about it, there's no way he could have followed behind me while I was driving there because I stopped a few times and he would have caught up and been spotted.

OP posts:

comfortablyfrumpy · 02/10/2022 12:55

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 12:51

I think he's put a tracker on my car then drove to the location I was at when he finished work that day. Thinking about it, there's no way he could have followed behind me while I was driving there because I stopped a few times and he would have caught up and been spotted.

Show quote history

These are not actions of a normal person.
Please do get some advice.

wellhelloitsme · 02/10/2022 13:14

I think he's put a tracker on my car then drove to the location I was at when he finished work that day. Thinking about it, there's no way he could have followed behind me while I was driving there because I stopped a few times and he would have caught up and been spotted.

I really think you've become numb to how terrifying his behaviour is 😞

This is absolutely chilling.

You're being stalked. If he wasn't your partner, would you report someone stalking you? Would you be frightened of what they might do next? Would you think they might escalate?

Because that's how serious this is.

I want this to be as amicable as possible so we can get it sorted and go our separate ways as quickly as possible. I wouldn't put it past him making things difficult for me as it is.

The break up won't be amicable because you can't reason with someone unreasonable. Especially when they are abusive.

I think your focus needs to be on leaving him safely, rather than on leaving him amicably. He simply won't accept the second.

Which is why I really think the police need to be involved.

Would you consider calling womens aid / similar in order to get some objective expert advice? As I say I think you are so used to his 'lower level' abusive behaviour that you're under reacting to how scary it's gotten.

Blabla81 · 02/10/2022 13:41

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

Original poster

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 14:41

I will call Womans Aid tomorrow on everyone's advice. PP is right, I am completely numb to it right now.

I have had a chat with him and got him to agree to pay a fairer share towards the bills. Which is surprising and infuriating because I've asked him to do this for nearly 7 years and he's always said no. Today he didn't even put up a fight. Maybe just a ploy on his part but it works for me as it means I have a chance to save more money to leave.

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Rocketclub · 02/10/2022 14:47

Right you need the evidence and you need to see the police but you need to see a solicitor first and get an occupational order to get him out of the house.
get him charged - do not go easy on this
you will get the money back - it is all joint and the filming is an example of coercive behaviour

Original poster

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 15:17

Rocketclub · 02/10/2022 14:47

Right you need the evidence and you need to see the police but you need to see a solicitor first and get an occupational order to get him out of the house.
get him charged - do not go easy on this
you will get the money back - it is all joint and the filming is an example of coercive behaviour

I have evidence of the camera from last week but no proof of the tracker on the car thing. I had my suspicions and looked for one prior to leaving for my business trip but couldn't find it.

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CornishTiger · 02/10/2022 17:03

Firstly have a look at this guide.

www.techsafety.org/resources-survivors

secondly what type of phone do you have? What about him. Android or iPhone.

If android download this to make sure no unaccompanied AirTags are following you. Tracker detect app

SquishyGloopyBum · 02/10/2022 17:46

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 14:41

I will call Womans Aid tomorrow on everyone's advice. PP is right, I am completely numb to it right now.

I have had a chat with him and got him to agree to pay a fairer share towards the bills. Which is surprising and infuriating because I've asked him to do this for nearly 7 years and he's always said no. Today he didn't even put up a fight. Maybe just a ploy on his part but it works for me as it means I have a chance to save more money to leave.

Well it gives mixed messages really. Now you have asked him to pay more he'll probably think you aren't serious about separating.

You need to go to the police asap. Let them search for evidence. It's their job.

dane8 · 02/10/2022 18:00

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Laughingtherapy · 02/10/2022 18:13

More likely you'll have something in your phone telling him where you are.

Original poster

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 18:33

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I did check everywhere in the car but couldn't find it. It must have been somewhere, though I imagine it's long gone now.

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Original poster

LegibleLucy · 02/10/2022 18:34

I feel completely numb right now. I feel on-edge but completely mentally detached from the situation at the same time.

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