Need a handhold... he's done it again.

[LegibleLucy]

Name change but I've posted on here before about it which some may remember. Posting on Relationships for a change because AIBU just turns your problems into a soap drama with "why bother posting if you won't take our advice" if you don't LTB within 20 minutes of posting.

Anyway, I do need to LTB this time and I'm looking for a handhold and some advice as to where to go from here.

I've caught him spying on me again. And it's undeniable this time as he had the camera on and running, but hidden behind something until just before he left for work then he moved it so he could see my comings and goings.

I caught him out the last time and he fed me some bullshit story which I chose to believe (because it was easier than leaving) and promised he wouldn't do it again but he has.

It's the final catalyst. We've been coasting along for years but now it's time to cut the cord.

Couldn't come at a shittier time with the cost of living, inflation going crazy, and we've just tied ourselves into another 2yrs on the mortgage.

Wise women of Mumsnet, what is my next step?

Not married, no kids, joint house/mortgage. Neither can afford to buy the other out. I've fucked up massively by having our so-called "joint" savings in his account so they're gone.

I feel like I'm swimming in treacle right now.

I feel a little confused about a couple of things and I wonder if you can clarify?

• if the hidden cameras were only placed outside and pointing at door but you also have CCTV, what do ypu think he was trying to spy on that he couldn't get from the shared CCTV footage? And if you removed the hidden cameras yesterday, wouldn't he already know this?

• earlier you said he had your personal savings in his bank account and refused to give it back but later in the feed you say it was remortgage money that you split when you separated?? Whatever the case, there will be bank records of all these transactions and and so, in a court of law, you'd be able to prove where the money came from originally, when you put yours back in and that he didn't put his share. So even if he had spent all the remortgage money on himself and there's nothing left, when legally separating and sorting finances, this would be taken into consideration. But saying all that, you also say that the money was spent on holidays etc - solo holidays for him or holidays for both of you?

The story is inconsistent and confusing but despite that, you still need legal/professional advice

Fucking hell, the sooner you get rid of this loser the better.

Why is he filming you going to work

Because I have access to our existing CCTV footage and I can, and regularly do, delete recordings when it's just us coming and going. Because that's not what it's for. It's for potential intruders coming in and out. DP gets annoyed when I delete any footage before he's had a chance to watch it all. He does know that I've moved the camera because he was texting me multiple times at work yesterday being overly nice. "I'll cook you dinner, there's a bottle of wine in the fridge" etc

Yes sorry its a bit confusing. We halved the savings when we split but when we reconciled, I put the money back and he didn't. Holidays etc were for him. Every penny that was spent benefitted him in some way.

He's not filming me going to work. He's filming me after he's gone to work when I'm alone in the house. Presumably to see if I go anywhere in the evenings. Which bar an odd visit to ASDA, I don't.

OP, you don't seem to see things clearly at all.

He IS a fucking monster !

He has followed and stalked you at work, repeatedly.
He has secretly filmed you at home, repeatedly.
He has a tracker put in your car, which you admit you're aware of.
He deliberately and secretly tried, and succeeded, to get access to your emails.
He has deliberately spent YOUR money, on things to benefit HIM.
He is point blank refusing to pay his share of bills/mortgage, forcing you to.
He has told you that you won't ever be getting any of 'his' money.

Don't keep minimising his controlling and obsessive behaviour ffs !!!

If a friend told you all this, what would your advice be ? To pay all the bills/mortgage and to keep being 'nice' to him ?? Would you tell her 'that's all perfectly normal' behaviour ??

WAKE UP FFS !!!

The police NEED to be told. Womens Aid NEED to be contacted and PROPER advice sought !

He IS a DANGEROUS and UNHINGED man ! The 'nice' relationship history was NEVER REAL, it was always a fake front to his controlling nature ! Because even when everything was 'good' or 'great' for YOU, HE was busy plotting and scheming to follow you, record your movements, read your private emails etc !

And to say that you are seriously naive about him not being able to get access to your phone/laptop etc simply because you've changed your passwords etc is astounding ! YES, he could easily have set up keystroke recognition etc, so changing passwords means bugger all, because he'd have the new passwords !

You need help and advice, from professionals, because you're in real danger, but you keep denying it/can't see it due to 'rose tinted' memories of a relationship which was NEVER real...

See a solicitor for an hours consultation, you should be given solid advice on how you go about forcing the sale of the house. Maybe also threaten the police as he affectively stole your money??

Personally I would be quite scared of him once it's ended. This level of obsession isn't normal.

This is coercive control and is now illegal.

I would speak to the police, if they are prepared to interview:charge I would give him one week to return to you your share of the money in his account. Once you have it I would press charges anyway.

I would also speak to rights of women about getting an occupation order on the property whilst it sells.

I would also find specialist help to seek out all the other things he is doing to monitor you that you don't know about because there will be more.

Why isn't he paying the mortgage?

Does he pay other bills instead?

If you know there's a tracker on your car why haven't you removed it?

He is a monster OP, you are wrong about that.

I hope you do get rid of him once and for all, his behaviour is not normal.

I would urge you to have a chat with a DV organisation, a stalking/harassment charity or am informal chat with the DV unit at your local police (you don't have to give your name or his) regarding your partner's behaviour and how you can safely exit the relationship.

Your partner's behaviour is highly suggestive of stalking and it seems likely when you leave he may continue to try to keep tabs on you in the form of stalking or harassment.

It doesn't matter why your partner is like this. What matters is how he acts towards you and what this behaviour indicates he may do in the future. You need to safeguard yourself. Men like this do not take kindly to their partner leaving/breaking up with them and it can be a risky time post-separation etc.

Definitely speak with Women's Aid, any other DV agencies, your bank, and a good solicitor.
Those would be the things I would do straight away. He doesn't need to know any of this.

Aside from all the other massive reasons to leave - why isn’t he paying his share of the mortgage?

I'd tell him (in a public place where you know you are not being filmed) it was over and that I'd spoken to the police about pressing charges. That, if right then and there, he went to the bank and returned your money (along with a letter stating that he was returning your money that you had gave him for whatever the reason) you'd consider dropping the charges.

Play it smart.

Ideally get him sent back to his parents first though

This is a really dangerous suggestion.

You should never play games with an abuser, women's aid would be very clear about that.

Being safe is priority.

Because the savings were actually from your mortgage I wouldn't write them off- it could be taken into account on separation.

But the main thing is you need to split. Please contact the police and woman's aid.

How was he today? I bet he was super nice trying to reel you back in....

Be careful op. This is really quite chilling. You are so conditioned to his behaviour you don't really even see it.

We've had the chat. I've told him his behaviour is unacceptable and I want to separate. His excuses was he set the camera up because some guy was hanging around our cars at 1o'clock in the morning. The camera doesn't point to the cars though...

During the course of the discussion, he accused me of being somewhere different to where I said I was. Even down to which car I parked up next to while I was there. I have no idea how he would have known this. A tracker would have told him where I was but not which cars were nearby??! He said "I was it with my own eyes" so he has followed me when I went away for a business trip 4 and a half hours away...

This has creeped me right out and I know for sure I'm making the right decision.

You really should report him to the police. He's a very dangerous man. He will do this again to someone else.

Amicable?

Either he gives you half of the savings, now, today or you ring the police.

He's a cunt and you trying to be amicable just means you're rolling over and letting him get away with shit without an argument.

You let him have your savings, next thing he'll fight you on the house, make you move out, refuse to sell until you agree to some vastly unfair financial deal.

I agree you need to be proactive and speak to the police he is a stalker and it is terrifying the lengths he has already been going to. Why do you think it will stop now?

I actually agree with this. I do think you need to get more angry op and really ensure you are safe going forward, this man could be dangerous

Please, please understand that he is a criminal and a danger to you. I understand that you want to be amicable to try and kept his behaviour reasonable, but a woman is never in more danger than when she is trying to leave an abuser. He knows you want to leave now. He will escalate. You need the police and a DV charity to keep you safe.

Please listen to Sheila Fogartys podcast called followed - sound like he has scarily potential of being a dangerous stalker