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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Need a handhold... he's done it again.

180 replies

LegibleLucy · 29/09/2022 08:39

Name change but I've posted on here before about it which some may remember. Posting on Relationships for a change because AIBU just turns your problems into a soap drama with "why bother posting if you won't take our advice" if you don't LTB within 20 minutes of posting. Hmm

Anyway, I do need to LTB this time and I'm looking for a handhold and some advice as to where to go from here.

I've caught him spying on me again. And it's undeniable this time as he had the camera on and running, but hidden behind something until just before he left for work then he moved it so he could see my comings and goings.

I caught him out the last time and he fed me some bullshit story which I chose to believe (because it was easier than leaving) and promised he wouldn't do it again but he has.

It's the final catalyst. We've been coasting along for years but now it's time to cut the cord.

Couldn't come at a shittier time with the cost of living, inflation going crazy, and we've just tied ourselves into another 2yrs on the mortgage.

Wise women of Mumsnet, what is my next step?

Not married, no kids, joint house/mortgage. Neither can afford to buy the other out. I've fucked up massively by having our so-called "joint" savings in his account so they're gone.

I feel like I'm swimming in treacle right now.

OP posts:
comfortablyfrumpy · 03/10/2022 08:27

Please phone Women's Aid today. I hope you are ok.

aliceinshackles · 03/10/2022 08:42

Can you take your car to a garage? Get them to check for a tracker , if he asks your brakes were making a funny noise, that why if he actually goes to check , the car will be on a ramp.
My partner is a mechanic has had to do this before and found the tracker!

I echo what others have said, womens aid today.
Do you have any idea is the house is bugged?
You mention cameras.
Remember to log out of whatever.
And find a solicitor.
But you really need to the police

aliceinshackles · 03/10/2022 08:48

Also if not already mentioned, factory reset on your phone.

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 19/01/2023 13:18

Hi all,

I decided to come back to this thread again today because I'm feeling a bit wobbly. I've just come back from signing our house over to the new buyers and I've been crying and "what have I done?"-ing ever since. But reading through this thread again has made me realise I am 10000% doing the right thing.

Thank you again everyone for your advice and for opening my eyes to the kind of relationship I was in.

House will be sold by the end of the month. I have moved into temporary accommodation until my new house is ready. Ex-DP is still living in the house, adamant that he is not leaving until 12 noon on the day of settlement.

Flowers for all the wonderful Mumsnet women.

OP posts:
Deathbyfluffy · 19/01/2023 13:21

You did the right thing - it's hard, but it'll be worth it in the end. Good luck in your new place!

A few of the posters in the thread (myself included) are men, by the way 😆

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 19/01/2023 13:25

Deathbyfluffy · 19/01/2023 13:21

You did the right thing - it's hard, but it'll be worth it in the end. Good luck in your new place!

A few of the posters in the thread (myself included) are men, by the way 😆

Apologies!

Flowers for all the wonderful people of Mumsnet - any gender, any age, any background. You're all amazing Smile

OP posts:
SamphirethePogoingStickerist · 19/01/2023 13:47

Don't apologise for that! Some might say it was insensitive to bring it up, given the nature of your long-standing dilemma!

RandomMess · 19/01/2023 13:52

Really pleased you have gone through with it, no way to live.

Flowers
Fullsomefrenchie · 19/01/2023 13:59

God I just read this, I’m glad you’re out. That’s one of the creepiest fucking things I ever read, filming you, following you and effectively stealing from you. Utterly disturbing

I’m glad you’ve made an escape. Something is very wrong with him.

orangegato · 19/01/2023 14:19

Flog the gaff, take the hit on ERC, rent for a while then use equity as deposit. Leave him to rot. Also was filming in a pervy or controlling way? Not that any is preferable.

Back2Back2t · 19/01/2023 14:26

I'm glad you made it out OP. Good luck x

BMW6 · 19/01/2023 14:28

So glad you have scraped the shite from your shoe OP. Flowers

BlueSuffragette · 19/01/2023 14:37

Well done OP. Onwards and upwards. A whole new beginning. Good luck x

heathspeedwell · 19/01/2023 14:48

Well done for being so brave, you have so much to look forward to now. Please keep us updated, and please do something lovely for yourself this weekend - you deserve it!

Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2023 15:03

So glad you got out! Fingers crossed its all plain sailing from now on.

Did you ever report him to the police/get your savings back? Maybe its just more hassle than it's worth I suppose. Sometimes the best revenge is just moving on.

Though it would be good of his behaviour was on record somewhere incase he starts trying to film women in future.

thisisasurvivor · 19/01/2023 15:09

You are amazing op

Stay strong

Original poster
LegibleLucy · 19/01/2023 15:15

Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2023 15:03

So glad you got out! Fingers crossed its all plain sailing from now on.

Did you ever report him to the police/get your savings back? Maybe its just more hassle than it's worth I suppose. Sometimes the best revenge is just moving on.

Though it would be good of his behaviour was on record somewhere incase he starts trying to film women in future.

I tried to get some of the money back from him but he wasn't budging on it. In the end it just wasn't worth the hassle on top of everything else.

I did say fine, if he wasn't willing to share the money with me, then all household bills and repairs needed for selling would be down to him because I had paid enough over the years. He's done that without complaint. Bastard. At least it's allowed me to save up some money for renting though.

I haven't gone to the police either but I still have the evidence on my phone if I need it. AND I've refused to tell him where I have moved to!

OP posts:
thisisasurvivor · 19/01/2023 15:19

Go to the police

He deserves jail

Horrible scum

Pinkbonbon · 19/01/2023 15:21

I would have told him that he had a choice, give me my money back or I was going to the police about what he did (just don't put it in writing incase he tries to call it blackmail). Then when I got the money back I would have gone to the police anyway xD

But it sounds like it all worked out anyway so maybe best just to let the money go.

That's good he doesn't know where your at. Bet he is seething xD

Beamur · 19/01/2023 15:30

Here's to a fresh start 💐

SalviaOfficinalis · 19/01/2023 15:37

I’m so pleased you’ve managed to get away OP.

I still think you should log it with the police, for 2 reasons

  1. If he turns up/does anything in the future, the police will take it more seriously
  2. If he does it to someone else and they report it, the police will know it’s not the first time
OopsAnotherOne · 19/01/2023 16:00

I'm so glad you've made progress in leaving him, OP. I also understand that it's normal to sometimes wonder if all the hassle of separating is really worth it, but in those times do just as you have done now which is to come back to this thread and remind yourself of why you're doing this.

There is no "what if he was just looking at foxes" or "looking for a man lingering about outside" anymore, no matter what he tries to convince you, you've seen the proof that he was spying on you and following you with your own eyes. You know what you saw, you know what he was doing and he knows you know, but was hoping he could lie and gaslight his way out of it. You should be so proud of yourself for holding firm, staying strong and making the right decision for yourself. You don't have the question of doubt in your mind that it might all have been innocent, you know for a fact that what he was doing was intentional and he was doing it despite knowing it distressed you. You're not making a mistake by leaving this man.

What he was doing was abusive and illegal. He also knew that you didn't like it and had asked him to stop, but continued to do it regardless.

This too shall pass and soon you will be living a happy, safe life without him. Savings can be rebuilt, a home can be remade, you will come out of the other side of this no matter how hard it seems at time so please stay strong, you are absolutely doing the right thing by leaving him.

Mirroredlove · 19/01/2023 17:56

Blackmail?? Tell him to give you half the savings or your calling the police and will resort him recording you. Don’t threaten that in writing obviously, physically say it to him so he has no record of it. Hopefully it will work to get you some of the money back but if it don’t does it matter, you’ve already lost it so worth a try.

Leave the guy for dust, I remember your other posts, this is such a weird thing for him to do.

Adarajames · 20/01/2023 22:53

@Mirroredlove read the thread, she has left 🙄

Adarajames · 20/01/2023 22:54

So glad to see your update and that you’ve left, been following from the first thread, and so glad you’re out. I would also suggest speaking to the police, and then If you see him near you at all from now on, speak to them again. Get advice from a stalking charity if you’re not sure how to go about it. Wishing you all the best in your safe new home