What did your mum give you for your 40th birthday?

[RainbowSlide]

Could you share what she gave you, and how she went about it?

Context:

I have a really strained relationship with my mum, and it's my bday coming up. She suggested a big family lunch, which i agreed to as it's a nice gesture, but then she proceeded to involve me in all steps of the process, asking for dates, venues, sharing the irritations of organising it etc. I had to suggest to her that she really needed to call up some places once she had a date as we'll be a party of 13 and not all places can accommodate. Cue further questions. In the end I had to ask her to speak to my dh about it as it was ending up stressing me out. She agreed, and dh is really happy to step up and help, but she can't seem to stop herself from involving me. I am 34 weeks pregnant with two kids and a job, and it was adding to my mental load, which I had to spell out to her as she just didn't get it. I know this sounds ungrateful, but I feel like if you offer to organise a nice family lunch, once I've said yes to that, you should go and organise it, not involve me in every detail.

The next thing is the present. My mum really doesn't know me very well, which i find really hard, and gift giving is pretty triggering as it always demonstrates this - really strange things that are not something I'd ever use/buy, often from a cheap discount store. Its not the money, it's more the effort (or lack of), and "just" grabbing something that'll do.

Anyway, its my 40th coming up in a few weeks and she's only now asking what I want, "shall we just get you a voucher for a massage or something?", which in itself would be a nice gift but I don't understand why I need to be part of the process. I end up saying yes but to speak to dh as he knows what I like, so that I don't then get asked a million questions about the voucher. For a big bday i would prefer a piece of jewellery or something to keep, but I'm hesitant to suggest that as I know it would be something kind of cheap and not what I'd like. I'm really not picky, would love something simple, but its the type of stuff she buys that worries me - something jokey or with an animal on it that she thinks there's a funny back story to, or something like that. It's really hard to explain.

Tldr: I'd really like to know from people with close relationships with their mums, what did she give you for your 40th birthday? I have no idea what is normal as I have no reference point.

Thanks in advance

A lovely card, a home baked cake and £100 as it was a special birthday.

£40 and a meal at the local pub.

Spent the money on a new bag that my son chose - he has good taste 😀

I'm 40 next year. My mum will give me nothing as she died when I was 2.

My gives me nothing but a card in birthdays. Even big birthdays. I'm fine with it because I know she loves me. So I think this is about more than the birthday and gifts. You are missing something in your relationship with her. Maybe counselling, if it's an option, would help you identify it and maybe come to terms with it x

My mum lives on the other side of the world so I wasn't expect to see her. I had a party and she turned up... lovely surprise. She had with her two bottles of Prosecco and two bags of chocolates (heroes and quality street). Clearly night at the supermarket down the road. I was very pleased she came all this way and didn't expect a present, but the thoughtless presents she gave was almost worse than nothing

Nothing I don't think, sometimes she transfers me money for a bottle of Prosecco (she lives abroad)

Nothing. She was dead.

What would you rather have? I know what I'd choose.

I have a very strained relationship with my mum, slightly worse than yours. The issue you have is that you are putting expectations on you mum, who you know you have no control over, so you will always be upset when she doesn’t meet the expectations you have put on her that she knows nothing about, you’ll always feel let down. Let go of expectations and the pain subsides, it’s actually quite freeing to be honest. If you expect nothing you’ll not be disappointed. I feel like a different person since that clicked, and not just gifts, everything that I felt she “ let me down” with. Go find yourself some peace.

I'm quite close to my mum, but she is RUBBISH at presents. She gave me a tea towel when I turned 40, and a pot of lilies when I was 50. She gives generic toiletries gift sets for Christmas. I actually wish she wouldn't bother! Before anyone asks, she has shedloads of money, its not a money thing, its just a pure lack of consideration for other people. Its just how she is. I'm used to it now.

Pony its so mean. My mother tight kids dont get much either. The gas thing when she had big bday she wanted the works. Im 50 next spring. I agree with you give nothing than give crap!! Its hurtful

A birthday card. We’re very close but haven’t done presents since I was a teenager.

A beautiful full length cashmere coat. My 40th was many years ago but the coat is timeless and I love it. I also think of her when I wear it. It’s like she’s still cuddling me. 😢

Nothing. Stopped presents when we were teenagers. Probably got a card though. But it wouldn't even occur to her to get me something, it was my father who did presents

Nothing. She was dead.

My mum died on my 36th birthday, but if she'd lived, I would've got a card with £10 inside.
Your mum sounds lovely. I think she just wants to plan a nice day and get it right.
Give her a break.

My mother and I are close but she's pretty rubbish at presents. She shops the day before and it is whatever shop she is passing. Some years she forgets my birthday completely. I just accept that's how she is. It has no reflection on how much she cares, she's just rubbish with gifts and doesn't think birthdays or Christmas are important. My top tip with a rubbish gift giver is to know exactly what you want in advance and then if they ask for ideas, give it to them. Not a vague idea because that gives them room for lots of questions at later dates but something exact like a book where you can give the title. I know it would be nice to have an appropriate thoughtful gift but some people really are incapable of it. Personally, the massage voucher sounds fab!

I’m close to my mum but she wouldn’t give an actual physical present on my birthday, or any birthday. She gave me some money. She hasn’t the energy or health to think of anything, and nor would I want her to.

Nothing. She died when I was 24.

Get a grip, OP.

She was very into crossstitch. She made me one of a cottage. I have another she made me a few years later of a gypsy caravan. They're hanging in my hallway. A reminder of her now she's gone. She wasn't the best at choosing presents but she'd often buy me books that I liked.

My mum died when I was 27, so no gifts for me, however since this is not a race to the bottom and I'm not an idiot, I am able to emphasise with someone who is clearly struggling with their relationship with their own DM. I have bad IBS but I can also still sympathise with people who get stomach aches. A good friend has had numerous back surgeries and still lives with pain, but can still sympathise and discuss my temporary back issues. I think it's pretty pathetic to just say "well my DM is dead so you're not allowed any negative feelings about yours".

OP, it sounds to me like it's not about the gifts, it's about the relationship (or lack thereof) between you and your DM and the gifts simply highlight this sore point. If the relationship was good you'd probably find equally poor gifts funny/endearing, a quirk of your DM. As you are struggling with feeling like she doesn't really "know" you, each poor gift just highlights that feeling of disconnection. Lots of people have a great DM/DD relationship and not having that must be hard. Have you considered some external help (counselling) to help resolve those feelings?

She sent me money in a card (she lived in Australia) and I bought an Elsa Peretti heart from Tiffany.